A little concerned about my 4 year old

[mommy2boys]

This is a little disturbing to me so I'm warning you now and if this is in the wrong forum I'm sorry wasn't exactly sure where to post this.
Ds is four. We have been a pretty open family for the most part. He co-slept for about 2 years and still climbs in bed with us at night sometimes. He has bathed with us for a while and still does occassionally. I watch 3 kids 2 days a week. The oldest is a five year old boy. They like to go to the bathroom together. We don't allow this because bathroom time is private time (unless of course I'm in the bathroom then I have no privacy) but I'm not sure how much he understands (he so far has high functioning autism). Anyway I was making lunch for all the kids today and thought they boys were playing dinosaurs in the bedroom. I went to go check on them and they were in the bathroom together, the five year old was going poopoo on the potty and my ds was standing there naked with an erection. I immediatly took him out closed the door and dressed him. Then I told him that that is a no no and when someone is going ot the bathroom they need to be alone. But it just kind of freaked me out. Ds has had other sexual issues. He moons the neighbor kids, he's always playing with himself. (i know they all have some self exporation) Ok sorry this is so long but I just want to know if this is normal. It just freaked me out. Dh and I have decided no more co-bathing and don't know what else to do from there.

[Red]

Oh this is soooo normal!

Kids have none of the restrictions that we adults agree to . Whatever turns 'em on, just does. But they don't think, "Yeah, I want sex". They don't equate how they feel with an act they don't even know exists.

It is distressing when you find kids doing these things, but don't panic. It's best to be really casual, I think, and matter-of-fact. Like, "Oh, well, ds, why don't you pull up your pants and come wash up in the kitchen for lunch. And remember boys, the bathroom is a private place." They aren't doing anything wrong, and that's why they don't feel guilty.

The playing with themselves thing is right in there too. I thought my son would wear his out! Mooning is more about the reaction, not the actual nudity. It's a shocker.

Your son sounds like he's right on the money to me. Ain't kids a riot?!

[AnnMarie]

I wouldn't say any of those are sexual issues. Boys get erections all the time. I really wouldn't worry about it. Just keep reinforcing that certain things should be done in private. s

[LaLaLuna]

Yep, I'd agree that this behavior sounds SO completely within the bounds of normal 4 yo make behavior. Both my kids moon each other and us and anyone other innocent bystander who happens to be around. Not what I'd call charming behavior but I really find that if I just give a pretty non-emotionally-charged reaction they find it much less thrilling and move on to other things. My parents treated the whole nudity/sexual exploration thing with horror and shame and I'm very fearful of passing that on to my kids so I tend to let them do what they want (which really, isn't that much...so far) as long as other people aren't harmed or affected. And i think there is a big difference between prankishness (ie; mooning or potty-talk) and self-exploration. But you know- boys. They'll push the envelope every time.

[Aura_Kitten]

this is totally normal. none of this behaviour is in any way sexual for a child that young. self-exploration is normal for both genders. my son still plays with himself -- we have a rule: you only play w/ yourself in the bath or by yourself in your room, because it's a private thing. beyond that, it's no big deal.

mooning isn't sexual either. one whole team at my high school once lined up and mooned the opposing team. :LOL it's something to do that has shock value. plus, kids don't have any of the restraints adults do, so when they do something (like mooning) and they get a major reaction (like "OMG!!! !!!") they keep doing it, because it's fun to get a reaction.

about the erection thing ~ little boys get erections all the time. my son gets an erection when he has to pee (which i first learned about when he was a newborn... every single time he'd get a baby erection, within seconds he'd be peeing on me.) this may have been the case with the bathroom incident and it may not have been. either way, erections are perfectly normal. it indicates good blood flow and a strong cardiovascular system -- in other words, a perfectly healthy little boy.

you need to not look at these things as sexual and treat them casually; otherwise you'll stigmatize those body parts and make the child a bit less sexually healthy than they would otherwise be.

when i was a child, i got in trouble *constantly* for touching myself "down there" (my parents refused to even tell me the name of my girl bits), or looking at myself in the mirror too long... i internalized the attitude that those body parts were somehow "wrong" or "dirty" or "yucky." i only very recently came to terms with myself, my womanhood, my sensuality and my sexuality, and have been able to heal enough to realize that these parts of me aren't separate from me as a person. humans are sensual beings... and one of the things children learn as they grow is how to deal with that sensuality, even before it ever becomes a sexual issue.

[mommy2boys]

Thank you all so much for this, exactly what i needed to hear. I guess with my first I have no idea what to expect. I'm so glad I have this board. Again thanks you guys.
Edited to add we don't discourage his exploration just tell him to do it in private.

[Aura_Kitten]

hey no problem.

i remember how freaked out i was the first time i saw his little newborn hard-on :LOL... my SO had to explain to me how normal it is for boys to get erections all the time.

then, as michael grew and i learned more about boy's development, i had to explain to my SO how it was perfectly ok for michael to sit and play with his foreskin (although it would sometimes scare me how he'd s-t-r-e-t-c-h it out). :LOL being a parent has taught me more than i ever suspected... and there's always something new.

[Piglet68]

I was going to add that this sounds normal, too. But it looks like you've gotten some great advice!

I'm going to move this to the Childhood Years now...

[LunaMom]

Another vote for normal here!

Enforcing bathroom privacy seems appropriate for this age - I have the same rule in my house. Playing with himself - totally normal, unless he is doing it SO excessively that it interferes with other activities (although some kids when they first discover this decide it's their favorite activity for a while!), or if he seems distressed while doing it.

The mooning sounds like typical four-year-old "butt humor." My daughter was teaching all of her friends the "butt dance" today at the park.