What age is ok to roam???

[MamaBug]

Ok so my sons play with these two boys on our block. My boys are 4 & 6 and these other boys are 7 & 9. They are in first and third grades. Anyway, their mother lets them roam around the neighborhood and out of her sight. I myself and just not comfortable with this. I am still the parent that either stays right out in the yard with my boys or I sit by a window so that I can keep an eye on them, and make sure that a) they don't get hurt and b) no one takes them.

I am super paranoid about kidnapping so I also don't like my kids to go to others houses unless they are either inside or completely being supervised. I am just wondering at what age I will ever feel right about letting them completely out of my sight? So many things can happen, kwim? What do you all do?

[khrisday]

Have you read Protecting the Gift? I think it would be an excellent read for you. In the book, there is a guide to help you decide when your child can safely be out of your sight.

[LunaMom]

I don't think that your reservations are paranoid with a 4 and 6 year old. They're way too young to be expected to keep themselves safe if a dangerous situation should arise.

I think it depends on the child. Protecting the Gift has a checklist of sorts to see if your child is mature and responsible enough to be out alone.

In my neighborhood, kids ride their bikes up and down the street all the time, and I'm surprised at how young some of them are. Our end of the street is higher than the other end, and cars often come up pretty fast because they can't see the kids over the rise. It scares me!

[mamaduck]

My 7.5 yo. rides his bike around the block. I used to always follow him on foot, but it got kind of silly when the training wheels came off and I found myself immediately in his dust. He is a chunky kid, and bike riding is one of the only forms of exersize he enjoys. I can't see limiting his freedom so much that he can't burn off energy and enjoy himself on his bike. Safety is important, but freedom and happiness in childhood is also a very high price to pay for that safety.

So now he is allowed to ride his bike around the block, no stopping, no speaking to anyone, no street crossing, on the sidewalk, with permission and checking in with me each time around. It takes him 4 minutes to go around and I stay near the front door to make it easy for him to check in. And my neighborhood is friendly, clean, neighborly, and we know people on most blocks he could turn to in trouble. Not to mention, if he ever took longer than 4 minutes I'd be out looking for him.

Beyond that, the kids stay in the fenced back yard while I listen/watch through open windows. If they want to "roam" they have to convince me to go out and "roam" with them. I don't see these rules changing anytime soon. Even when they are in the 11-12 range, I feel I should know where they are and be within clear earshot. KWIM? I'm not sure beyond that.

[shelbean91]

When I was a kid, I was allowed to roam around the neighborhood when I was about 7 or so, but I'm 30 now, it was a different time back then, and we lived in a small neighborhood and on a dead end road. I was allowed to go to the either end of the street and one street up (so like one square block- about 15 houses away, total) and within earshot.

I would NEVER let my dd do that now. My neighbor across the street has twin 12 year old girls. They were 7 when we first met them and they were NEVER allowed out alone for quite a while (maybe 10 years old). Then they got bikes and were allowed to ride alone in our cul-de-sac for a while, then they were allowed to go to the little picnic tables behind my house, which is a community area, then I noticed they are allowed to go to the 'big park' of the neighborhood or riding around. I'm sure they have to tell their mom where they will be, but they seem to be able to go out alone. Like I said, they're now 12 and there was quite a progression to get to that point.

I don't think you're being paranoid at all.

[SabraMamma]

My children are (just shy of) 4 y.o. and 6 months- so we are still quite a way away from roaming. But- we also have young children in our neighborhood (an apartment complex) who roam. The youngest is 4 1/2, but then again, her 2 y.o. brother leaves the apartment sometimes and it takes his mom quite a while to realize he is gone. I could never imagine not knowing where my kids were/are at such a young age. The problem that we are facing with DD who is almost 4 is that her "friends" are out an about by themselves and she is tempted to go out of my sight with them which makes me nervous, mad, upset, dissappointed that she has broken our rules of where she can and can not go, etc.

I don't know what the right age is to roam, but I think I have a good grasp on what the wrong age is. The kids in my neighborhood who are doing it are much too young.

[moss]

Protecting the Gift: The test of Twelve:

Do your children know...
1. How to honor their feelings-if someone makes them uncomfortable, that's an important signal.

2. You (the parents) are strong enough to hear about any experience they've had, no matter how unpleasant.

3. It's okay to defy and rebuff adults.

4. It's okay to be assertive.

5. How to ask for assistance or help.

6. How to choose whom to ask.

7. How to describe their peril.

8. It's okay to strike, even to injure, someone if they believe they are in danger, and that you'll support any action they take as a result of feeling uncomfortable or afraid.

9. It's okay to make noise, to scream, to yell, to run.

10. If someone ever tries to force them to go somewhere, what they should scream should include, "This is not my father" (because onlookers seeing a child scream or even struggle are likely to assume the adult is a parent).

11. If someone says, "Don't yell," the thing to do is yell (and the corollary: if someone says, "Don't tell", the thing to do is tell.

12. To fully resist ever going anywhere out of public view with someone they don't know, and particularly to resist going anywhere with someone who tries to persuade them.

http://www.familyeducation.com/artic...0-8373,00.html

i also strongly recommend reading the book.

[SabrinaJL]

My daughter is 10 and I'm STILL not comfortable letting her be out by herself. She's allowed to play at the playground outside our backyard and ride around the cul-de-sac but even then I check on her every 5 minutes or so. We live on a military base so I feel a little safer than when we lived in civilian housing but still not comfortable enough to let her just come and go as she pleases. DH always tells me I'm overprotective of her but I don't care. She's my baby and it's my job to make sure she's safe.

[LunaMom]

Just wanted to clarify...

Mamaduck, hope you didn't think my comments about young kids riding their bikes included the situation you are describing. We have no sidewalks in our neighborhood, so the kids are all riding their bikes in the road. All over the road, I might add. It's a residential street which ought to be quiet but for some reason a lot of spoiled, rich teenagers with cars they have no business driving (Mercedes SUV's for the sixteenth birthday, anyone???) come zipping up the street regularly with little regard for safety.

If we had sidewalks I think I'd feel comfortable with my DD riding alone at age seven.

[mamaduck]

Not at all insulted Lunamom! I don't see this is letting my son "roam" either. And he is an exceptional 7 yo. too. I might not let my 2nd child do the same things at the same age, you know?

[Fieryfly]

As others have said, I don't think there is any magic age when kids are ready to go roam the neighborhood on their own. It really has more to do with their maturity and responsbility. I also think a parent has to take into consideration who their kids are roaming with.

When I am supervising my children, I am not only watching that they are not getting hurt or kidnapped, but also I watch out for bullying, inappropriate behavior and just other things that can happen in a group setting that require adult intervention.

[MamaBug]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Safety is important, but freedom and happiness in childhood is also a very high price to pay for that safety.

Not to mention, if he ever took longer than 4 minutes I'd be out looking for him.

While I agree that freedom and happiness are important in this day and age I think it is just a fact of life to be more saftey conscious. See to me, 4 minutes out of sight, totally out of sight, is just too big a risk, for me. My son knows our neighbors, not to talk to strangers and such but I mean it takes seconds to grab a kid and shove them in a van, kwim? I don't know when I will feel up to that, I mean even at 15 kids are not strong enough to fight off an assilant. I think it is more then knowing not to talk to strangers and such, physically my son even at 10 will not be as strong as an adult physically.


Letting them go to playdates now is getting tricky too, I have to make it totally clear that I am not comfortable with them not being in view of the host, and if that is not doable then they can't go. Thankfully most of my neighbors know how paranoid I am and they make allowances.

Thank you all so much for your replies, glad to know I am not alone in my paranoia~!

[QueeTheBean]

Originally Posted by shelbean91

When I was a kid, I was allowed to roam around the neighborhood when I was about 7 or so, but I'm 30 now, it was a different time back then.

I was just thinking about this. I can remember at 6 and 7 wandering ALL OVER by myself--including ice-skating on a frozen river and playing by a big pond.

Everyone did it back then--we thought nothing of it at all. We'd be gone all day, it seemed.

I am very paranoid & don't like my kids out of my sight, frankly. Our neighbor children have much freer rein.

I have never heard of this book, Protecting The Gift. Can I ask if it is religious? It sounds religious to me. Just wondering.

[LunaMom]

No, not at all! It's written by a man named Gavin DeBecker, who has worked for the FBI and is an expert at predicting violent criminal behavior. A must read for any parent.

[mamaduck]

See to me, 4 minutes out of sight, totally out of sight, is just too big a risk, for me. My son knows our neighbors, not to talk to strangers and such but I mean it takes seconds to grab a kid and shove them in a van, kwim?

Well, I don't believe that happens very often. And honestly, somebody could do that to me as easily as they could do it to my son. Or someone could grab my child in that fashion right in front of my eyes, and there wouldn't be a hell of a lot I could do to stop it. We are careful in our lives, but we still do the things that bring us joy. For my son, having a loop to ride his bike brings him joy in a way that can't be easily done in another way.

My child is not off wandering the neighborhood. He is circling our block on his bike in a quiet side-walked neighborhood where we know people.

I think this is one of those situations where no matter what I did, there would be people ready to critisize. If I let him get too chunky from hanging around home -- I'm sure people would have something to say about that too.

I think the important thing is that I'm 100% comfortable with our arrangement. DH is 100% comfortable with our arrangement. Ds is 100% comfortable with our arrangement.

At the same time -- I can understand why my friend 2 blocks away does not allow the same freedom to her dd the same age, who can't ride a bike as well as my son, who tends to stop and daydream, and who is about half his size.

[lilyka]

I let my older twoplay outside by them self and my oldest may ride her bike to each corner(we live on the corner so she can go one block south and one block east. If she wants to go with her older friend around the block that is OK so long as I know where she is (S. lives on the east corner so there is only one side of the block away from parental supervision) Madeline is 7 1/2 by the way. If we lived in a better neighborhood I wouldn't mind but we do sorta live in a rough place and there is an alley through our block which presents saftey challenges. No one is allowed to cross the street. Not som much because of cars but you can only get so far when you aren't allowee to cross the street. Lily is almost four and can play outside unsupervised but not leave the yard wihtout permission. Usually she is going down to S. house to get her sister or to play with them.

So I guess that would be controlled roaming :LOL This is not a neighborhood where I would feel safe letting my child be at any age without some boundries and I just feel it is best to always know where they are. And they understand thee dangers of certain house and don't want to so much as walk past them. They think they just look scary so I don't have to go into details but yeah, they won't even walk past. when we go for walks they want to cross the street and walk on the other side. If we lived in a neighborhood where we knew more people and there were more kids with nice failies who shared our expectations of how children should be cared for and supervised I wouldn't mind letting them roam but until that day our house has just been turned into the party place and I accept that this is where all the children will be roamiung to. I am cool with that and so is dd.

So I guess I didn't answer the question. Depends on the child and neoighborhood andthe time of day. . . .

[MamaBug]

Mamaduck I was by no means critcizing you, I hope you don't feel that. I did say that FOR ME, I could just not do it. I would not be comfortable at all, and honestly it has nothing to do with the maturity of my son, it is more about my feelings of fear. I am sorry if you took it that wrong way As you said you time him you don't just let him ride. And believe me I worry about myself getting throw in the back of a van too.

This is how paranoid I am: I took my oldest, 5.5 at the time, to a party at Chuckie Cheese. He wanted to roam off with the bday boy, alone. I tried to let him for like 3 seconds but I just could not do it. The father of the bday boy said " Oh you know this place is SO safe, you need a handstamp to get out with your own kid." So I turn to him and say " Yeah I know and that's great, but do you see that exit over there and there, well there is a car out there waiting for the woman who is in here who is going to try and steal a kid, and you see that kitchen where the employess work, the ones I didn't screen or do a background check on, yeah well one of them is working here to make off with a kid in the near future!" He looks at me and goes " OMG I never thought of those things!!!" And I say " Yeah I know most ppl don't WELCOME TO MY WORLD :LOL"

I think that each family has to make the choices that work best for them. I just feel like such a wacko not feeling that I will any time soon be comfortable about my kids being unsupervised, kwim?

Again mamduck I am sorry if I offended you, that was not my intention, I was more pointing out my own psychosis! :LOL

[misfit]

There are so many variables to this one. It depends on the parent -- what are you comfortable with? It depends on the kid -- how street-smart, how self-reliant? It depends on the neighborhood -- crime, traffic, eyes on the street. It depends on the time of day and year -- summer day vs winter evening

But one thing I think is very important is that part of keeping kids safe is teaching them how to stay safe on their own. And that means starting with little bits of freedom and slowly increasing it as they grow and learn.

That doesn't mean we can let our kids do what we did (I remember walking home... from kindergarten... ten blocks ), and where you start and how fast you go depends on your situation.

[roxy]

my son is 9.5 and never goes out to play alone. only recently i let him take garbage to the dumpster. he can stay on the grass, and out of the parking lot the whole way there, or i wouldn't let him do it.
a new guy just moved in across the hall, and i got to know a little about him. he just split w/ his wife, and gets his 2 dd's every other weekend. they are 4 and 7. last week i was pulling into my spot right in front of the stairs and missed the 7yo by inches. she zoomed out of the hallway on a scooter and never bothered to look for cars. when i knocked on his door and told him, he yelled at her like it was her fault. another neighbor who is a mom told me she's thinking of calling cps sp they can let the mother know her girls are being put outside instead of their father spending time w/them.
anybody think it's warranted? all the kids in this complex roam, from about age 4, on. seems to be the norm round here, but not for my kids!
i lived in another apt. compplex a few yrs ago, and pulled a 4yo out of the hottub. (within seconds, not like he was drowning). what are some people thinking?

[chattymom]

I think it depends on each child, I am sure mothers of girls would tend to be even more protective than mothers of boys in some cases. I have 9 yr old twins a 7 yr old and a 4 yr old. My twins and my 7 yr old ride thbeir bikes on the road behind our house. It's a dead end on both ends and only one road leading into it, so the only traffic is people who live back there and it's a very short road I can see all the way down it easily.

They take 2 way radios and I keep one so we always have contact and they are always together, I never let one of them go alone, if only one wants to ride they can't go unless one of their brothers is going too. My boys are very responsible and they always wear their helmets and pads and stay on the side of the road. they know all about safety and strangers. We have had many talks about what to do in every situation that could arise. If someone were to stop and try to grab them they know to grab onto their bike and yell for help. It would be hard to get a kid into a car quick if he is holding his bike tight and yelling.

I think it depends where you live as well, we live in a quiet area where there is little crime, not to say it couldn't happen of course, that's why we teach safety. I would never let my 4 yr old go back there to ride his bike alone, and in fact just started letting my 7 yr old this year.