I grabbed my 10year old!

[allgirls]

I am so shocked at myself and I think she is too...

A little background...I have 3 children, all girls almost 14, almost 10 and 10 mos...the older 2 are from my first marriage...he was a good man, but an alcoholic...he has been a terrible parent since we separated 3 years ago...pays child support but never calls or regularly visits...he had visitation but I had to stop the visits because of his drinking(was really drunk and going to drive them one night)

My 10 year old is very angry...her dad hasn't called since early Feb and in the last month she has developed a terrible attitude and is angry at the world...yesterday I was telling her to do her chores before she went to play with her friends and basically she said no and yelled at me and tried to leave...I grabbed her by the arm...leaving marks...I sent her to her room...I was so mad I was shaking and I scared myself...I don't usually get that angry with my children but I was feeling out of control...but then my children are usually so well behaved. We talk a lot...there is quite a bit of dialogue between us.

I am going to talk to her tonight...my husband thinks I am too easy on her but supports my discipline methods...I have a lot of rules and they earn priviledges rather than taking away when they disobey, I give when they are well behaved.

The biggest problem with her is that she is quite happy with nothing...she has nothing she values enough to deter her from her impulses...except maybe our good opinion which now seems to not matter either.

I can send her to her room with nothing, no toys, tv and she will sit on her bed, be angry for 60 seconds then create a whole world of imagination around her and entertain herself for hours...

This is the most creative, imaginative child I have ever encountered. She is very special...has mild dyslexia but is so intelligent we can hardly tell..she makes it up so well...I personally think she is gifted although it doesn't show in her school work. She is a challenge to raise but also a delight. She also has a beautiful singing voice that we are dealing with...I think encouraging this natural talent is our best bet so I am looking into vocal lessons for her.

How do I deal with her? On a day to day basis...the smarter kids can find buttons you don't even know you have...I want to help her through this tough time and if losing her dad leaves a hole in her soul I want to fill it up with something positive like her music...

Help me please...any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thank you

[Midnight Mom]

I have a dyslexic 15 yo dd who is very rebelious right now, and her father is completely inconsistent in her life and was formerly a drug addict and spent two years in prison, etc, etc, etc.

But for me I know exactly what her currency is and she knows I know, and it works. It must be so hard when there is nothing of value you can take from her as a consequence.

Everyone makes mistakes so don't be too hard on yourself. ((((((HUGS))))))
Sorry I don't have more advice for you.

[calgal007]

Carolyn: Your daughter is hurting right now. She's been displaced several times in her short life. First, displaced because her father chooses a relationship with alcohol over a relationship with his daughter.

Second, the cozy threesome you had with her and her sister was displaced when you re-married.

Third, her position as baby in the family was displaced by new sibling. Wouldn't you be a little cranky under these circumstances?

Your system of rewarding good behavior sounds about right. Please please please be consistent with her and obviously don't let her be out and out defiant to you, but understand where she's coming from. She's just a little bunny rabbit who's not sure where the safe place is -- and she desperately needs to know it's in your house.

I've been through a remarkably similar situation to yours, and I know what I'm talking about. Please please please, talk to her and tell her you love her and that you KNOW she might feel "a little bit" like she's been displaced in the family, but that love just expands to fit everyone in, and that you love her, love her, love her. Hugs to you, to your dd, and good luck. I hope your new dh ordered a super-size of patience when he married you. He will have to learn to bite his tongue until there are holes in it!!!!

[allgirls]

Thank you ladies...about the displacement thing...absolutely you are right...I kinda forgot about the middle one...she is an awesome kid with a self confidence problem...

My husband is absolutely amazing...and since I am home with the girls and he is gone so much he really leaves it all up to me...we always always provide a united front when he is home even though he's a little less flexible than I am...as long as no one is impacting the kids in a negative way it works.

I have three of the most amazing little human beings in this house...they are awesome and I love them so much and feel so blessed but I am shocked by how much they can hurt me at times...as they get older and exposed to the great big world they copy what they hear and learn and use it against me...

I talked to her last night...I told her she has to treat me with respect...she can be angry all she wants and we can disagree for hours but the minute it gets disrespectful she has to stop and go to her room.

I think she gets it. This latest blow from her dad is hard...I think she is realizing he is not who she hoped he was, wanted to believe he was... I think she believed he would change right up until this past month so I guess she is grieving for that loss.

I am sure I will be back..thanks ladies

[sylviamama]

Obviously there is lots going on in your dd's life that is extenuating (sp?), but I wanted to respond to your surprise at getting so angry and your physical reaction.

My dsd who is 10 going on 11 also turned angry and started talking back around 9 or 10. I was taken by complete surprise. I thought the attitude and mouth came at 12 or 13, 11 at the earliest. Talking to lots of other moms and reading here made me realize it's actually younger - about 9 years old or 4th grade - partly what's going on with peers affects it. So although my dsd had her father remarry, a new sister born, and her mother split up with her live in boyfriend of 3 years, and then get engaged 6 months later (and add two moves - one mom and one dad) going on - I think it was also just what was coming naturally at that age. They're always one step ahead of us aren't they?

I'm glad to hear you've talked and you understand where's she's coming from - I think that's the most important thing to them.

[Red]

This quote "On a day to day basis...the smarter kids can find buttons you don't even know you have..." was my son exactly. In fact his 1st grade teacher told me he did just that in those very words.

He also had nothing I could take away that bummed him out. My dh used to threaten that we'd do his room over "Japanese style', meaning empty and with a futon, etc. NO anything. But we both knew he'd just find some way to love it.

He;s an upstanding young man now, well, um, almost. Anyway, it all worked out.

When I saw your title for this thread I filled in with 'I grabbed my 10year old...by the throat Sheeesh, you're doing so much better than that!

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I'm not sdmitting here to my every past transgression, but BTDT.