Verbally attacked by ex's girlfriend

[L.J.]

My kids went to see their dad today. He refused to bring them home, so I had to drive 45 minutes to pick them up.

When I get there, his girlfriend (whom to this point has refused to meet me, has hidden in the bedroom when I've come over & whom I've been told to never approach) was waiting at the front door.

I said hello and asked if the kids were ready. She went inside, came back and said they'd be a few minutes. I put their things in my van and held back more than 10 feet away from her.

Then, out of nowhere, she starts telling me to quit writing notes to them (which has been what my ex instructed me to do so we don't have to talk) and then she starts in about how I am a terrible person etc.

I calmly said, "You've never met me & don't even know me, how can you judge me?" She just kept going & said I am not allowed to call my kids when they are with their dad, I am not allowed to send notes & I am to leave him alone, because "he only wants contact with me because of the kids." I said, that was fine (and mutual). She continued to call me names and say that I have robbed him of so much money (because he paid alimony to me -- which was his idea anyway).

It was just plain crazy! She was so scary & worst of all she did some of it right in front of my kids and told me to get off their property (which is funny because I still have a legal claim to that house) and she doesn't even live there.

Anyway, it was just so crazy & totally caught me off guard. I don't really care about what she said, because obviously she is a very angry, troubled person & I know that it has nothing to do about me..........how could it, she doesn't even know me. What I am frightened about though, is that this woman is spending time with my children.

I guess I'll be calling the lawyer again to see if I can do anything about that!
YIKES!

[brusselsprout]

Wow! What an experience!!

I have had my ex's girlfriend pull similar things with me (via im, since we don't live in the same area), I think it all boiled down to her being insecure and thinking that I am actually better than her for my ex (not that it matters, he and I are obviously not together and they are :-P ) Insecurity can turn into a really ugly monster.

Good luck with the lawyer! I hope you find a way to at least keep her from spewing garbage in front of your kids!

[mocha09]

Yuck. I'm sorry you went through that, L.J. I'd be upset too knowing a woman like that was spending time with my dd, that's for sure. Hopefully she's only like that when it comes to claiming her man. I can see why you were warned to stay away from her. She sounds totally

[Eggie]

What a crazy woman, I hope your lawyer can do something about it. I'm sorry for what you have been throrough. I wouldn't like my DD to spend time with someone like that... What did your husband say?

[L.J.]

He said, "you're a big girl, deal with it!"

I think he's actually afraid of her.

[Holland73]

Wow...what a horrible situation to be put into, not just for you, but also for your children!

What are the children's opinion of this woman? Have they ever talked to you about them?

[paloma]

You haven't been allowed to speak with her. He used that time to poison her. You have been set up. He is using her to harass you.

Show up with a tape recorder, and inform her that she should always speak to you as if she is being recorded. (just a little voice-activated one.)

[L.J.]

Paloma,
Good idea. Thanks

Holland
My oldest talks very little about her, my youngest is only 2. When we left she just sort of said, "goodbye kids, see you in two weeks." There was no emotion, she didn't get up from what she was doing, nothing. It was very cold.

Last night my oldest was very upset. I know it was partially because he was overtired, but it was also because of all the emotion. He witnessed a good part of the ugliness......can you imagine what that would feel like seeing someone be mean to your mom?

Yuck!

[oceanbaby]

I haven't read all the replies, but wanted to let you know that I was the child in this scenario. My dad's girlfriend never met my mom, but she totally jumped on his bandwagon of hate against her, and I had to listen to crap from both of them about how evil she was, everything she did to screw them, etc. etc. I had to wait on streetcorners because he refused to pick me up at her house, my mom wasn't allowed to call my dad's house, etc.

Years later I was doing word processing work for a psychologist, and he often was appointed as a 'Special Master' in custody cases. What this meant is that he acted as the children's representative. He met and interviewed all parties, and put together recommendations and rules to give to the judge - these rules included things like not speaking badly in front of the children, the parents had to pick the kids up at the front door, the parents had to have a friendly hello how are you exchange, etc. And if these rules weren't followed, there would be severe consequences in custody and financial arrangements. I was blown away transcribing this stuff, asking myself "Where was my Special Master?"

Anyway, it's something you might want to ask your attorney about. See if the court can appoint one to set up some guidelines about how the adults have to act around the children. I can't tell you how much I wish someone had done this for me during my parent's divorce.

[L.J.]

Thank you so much for that Oceanbaby.
I will definitely look into that.

You mama's are so great.
I am glad to be part of this online community!

[karen ann]

Hi LJ,

I feel for you. Knowing that you're not alone in this is small comfort I know, but my ex husband's girlfriend put nasty stuff about me on the net whilst the divorce was pending the mandatory wait period (her nickname for me was a vulgar term for female genetalia that rhymes with a 4th down football kick). Of course this was all while ex was claiming, even to his own attorney,"she's just a friend" (and shockingly, he still is making that ludicrous claim, but I digress). The only advice I have is document everything and be willing to bring it to court. I had 150+ pages printed from her various web pages & blogs that were entered into the court record in my divorce.

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

I haven't read all the replies, but wanted to let you know that I was the child in this scenario. My dad's girlfriend never met my mom, but she totally jumped on his bandwagon of hate against her, and I had to listen to crap from both of them about how evil she was, everything she did to screw them, etc. etc. I had to wait on streetcorners because he refused to pick me up at her house, my mom wasn't allowed to call my dad's house, etc.

Years later I was doing word processing work for a psychologist, and he often was appointed as a 'Special Master' in custody cases. What this meant is that he acted as the children's representative. He met and interviewed all parties, and put together recommendations and rules to give to the judge - these rules included things like not speaking badly in front of the children, the parents had to pick the kids up at the front door, the parents had to have a friendly hello how are you exchange, etc. And if these rules weren't followed, there would be severe consequences in custody and financial arrangements. I was blown away transcribing this stuff, asking myself "Where was my Special Master?"

Anyway, it's something you might want to ask your attorney about. See if the court can appoint one to set up some guidelines about how the adults have to act around the children. I can't tell you how much I wish someone had done this for me during my parent's divorce.

I agree with this suggestion, although it may be called something different than Special Master in your state. Here they're called guardians ad litum. Fortunately I didn't have to get one because it can get expensive (and I'm totally skint), but they can be invaluable if one or both parents cannot reach any sort of consensus. Good luck with everything.

Karen Ann

[magnoliablue]

LJ, I am so sorry you are in this place. I agree with all the advice given, most especially about telling the gf you are recording her.

I do not know how Canada handles things, but we had a mediation hearing before court, which is where alot of the stuff such as this is dealt with. You can make a parenting plan agreement suggesting contact, phonecalls, visitation, etc.. We set a nightly phonecall time, for example, as well as set pick up/drop off times and a 3rd party(not the gf) to do this. You may need to ask your lawyer if they have something such as this there..it saves for a lot of stress..and the best thing is the gf will be told she has absolutely ZERO right to call any shots at all. NONE. Unless she is a step parent, a gf or bf really has no legal right to make any decisions regarding their partner's children by someone else.

[summerdgo]

There is almost always a stipulation in the divorce order that the parents do not say anything bad about the other parent. That would also apply to other people they have around. it is probably against court orders for your ex to allow your kids to be exposed to someone who says negative things about you.

I would also consider a restraining order. It might not be a good idea if you think it would just make matters worse, but it might also send the message that you are serious and that it is absolutely not okay to verbally assault you, especially in front of the kids. Some states include verbal assault w/o threat of physical violence in requirements for restraining orders, but some do not.

Anyway, I'll join you in the camp of moms who get maligned by people who don't even know them. My husband's ex's husband accosted me in a similar way. I was totally blown away. No one has ever spoken to me that hatefully.

[paloma]

I would only try to get a restraining order if she has been abusive to you (specifically), has a pattern of violent behavior, and if you are in reasonable fear of immediate harm.

Kindly request to speak with your ex. aboiut the children, and if he will not come out, consider not dropping them off, keeping in mind that depending on your situation, you may be found in contempt of court.

These are his visits, not hers.

Oh, consider using one of my favorite phrases, "Any further contact you have with me will be considered harassment."

[L.J.]

Thanks again so much! There is so much knowledge & support here.

I sent a very brief & non-emotional email to my ex regarding the situation. I had some very good friends help remove all emotion & "my stuff" from it and make it all about the children.

So far I've had no response.

We'll see what transpires.

Thanks again, ladies.

[CerridwenLorelei]

if you still have legal claim on the house

can you have one or both of them evicted?
and isn't it against the law to deny a parent contact while the kids are with the other parent??

Robbed him my foot. Just wait until she is trying to get her alimony from him years down the line. her tune will change

Good luck getting it all worked out