One step forward two steps back

[brusselsprout]

I so couldn't sleep last night. My ex told me on the phone that he had signed the divorce papers and put them back in the mail, so I thought things were going in the direction that he wanted (since I wasn't the one that wanted the divorce....just the one making it possible sooner) Then he got on IM with me and started talking about how he was stupid and finally realized he didn't love his ex-wife (1st ex...current girlfriend) and that he didn't know what to do anymore, did I want to try co-parenting, several vague references to knowing he was still in love with me, blah blah blah....

I never stopped loving him or wanting him in my life, but I know it would be unhealthy to be in any sort of relationship with him. He has hurt me and violated my trust too many ways in the last 7 months.

It seems like every single time I make steps in my life toward closure and leaving him behind to move on with my own life, steps that feel positive and healthy, all of a sudden he is there drawing me back.

I just want it to be five years from now when everything is resolved and over (Not that I would give up those precious years of my babies lives!!)

[mocha09]

Sounds like (although I'm just an outside observer with very little info) he might be afraid to make commitments. Afraid of committing to his ex #1, and he got out of that. Afraid of committing to end it with ex #1, and got back with her. Afraid of committing to you, and ending the marriage. Afraid of committing to end your marriage, and trying to leave the door open in case he realized his is making a mistake.

In short, it seems like he is afraid to make any sort of decision and is doing some second guessing.....

Maybe the finality of mailing the papers made him realize he is at the point of no return, and that freaked him out. If you got back together, would he start second guessing himself again and want out of *that* commitment?

I hope you stay strong. You certainly don't deserve this kind of rollercoaster. I hear what you mean when you say you wish it were 5 years from now..... I know how hard it can be to distance yourself from someone who has hurt you, especially when you have feelings for them still. Let us know how it is going.

[L.J.]

I've been in on & off again relationships with men who aren't able to make a decision & stick with it. It's difficult, especially when you still have feelings. Time and distance does help the transition, so does a good support system to help you remain strong & true to what you know you have to do.

It may also help to remind yourself that you absolutely deserve someone who can and will commit to you 100% and really be there for you. We all deserve that!

[brusselsprout]

Thanks for the input. Yeah I do get the feeling that he kind of kept me around just in case things didn't work out between them :

I don't think that it was always a commitment issue. He was very much commited to his ex-wife, but she had an affair and left him. I think he was alot more scarred by it than he knew and was not ready to enter into a relationship when he and I got together. I do think that because of his past relationship history he has always held back away from me....never opened up completely, never commited completely, never really got to know me or let me know all of him. And because I didn't know better I thought he just had a reserved nature (I discovered otherwise in the last few months), I thought I knew him, and the him that I "knew" was the him that I loved....but that wasn't the real him.

I think I have a very hard time believing that I deserve any better...mostly because of unresolved abuse issues. I have high expectations for my children though, and hopefully taht will help me hold out for a better future!!!!

[wonderfulmom]

You say you know it would be 'unhealthy' to be involved with him at all. You need to be strong and have only a business relationship with him. That is NO IM, NO greeting cards, NO heart-to-heart talks, NO late night phone calls, etc. Get your emotional support elsewhere. (MDC moms are here for you!)

[brusselsprout]

Originally Posted by wonderfulmom

You say you know it would be 'unhealthy' to be involved with him at all. You need to be strong and have only a business relationship with him. That is NO IM, NO greeting cards, NO heart-to-heart talks, NO late night phone calls, etc. Get your emotional support elsewhere. (MDC moms are here for you!)

You don't think it is wise to remain friends? I know that he and I do not belong together romantically or as husband and wife, but he was my best friend before we ever started dating and I have a very hard time with the idea that he would not be in my life at all...I used to date a guy who had divorced and was still best-friends with his ex-wife (she had left him because she realized she was not heterosexual), and I always wondered how it was possible to stay friends thru a divorce, but now it just seemed like the natural progression. Thank you for your advice, I guess I have more to think about!