Can I bit...err Vent for for a moment?!?

[Jenb]

Why on Earth do people have to ask the question;
"Was this planned"?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! WHY ON EARTH DOES IT MATTER TO YOU?!?!?

This was the first thing both MIL and GMIL asked me when I spoke with them. Mike had called them the day before to let them know, and when I called them later this is what they said, not even a "Congratulations".

It just breaks my heart a little bit, because with out first two, there were happy tears, and dreams about the future, but with this new seed, just disparagement.

I've had girlfriends ask me the same, but coming from them it was entirely different, more of a "WOW! I didn't know you were trying" rather than a "What have you done now" feeling.

Wugh...

[Lula's Mom]

Sorry!! That's pretty cruddy. I think in situations like that, I would refer back to what Miss Manners always says you should say in answer to a rude question: "What a strange thing to say! Why ever would you ask me that?"

[wolfmom]

I am so with you on this one Jen!!! I think that question is so incredibly inappropriate! I have had only one person ask me that so far and I flat out say that "I think that is a personal/inappropriate question." They are usually a little weirded out by my being so blunt but they do back off. Grrrr! It just makes me angry to think about!
peace,

[ladymadelon]

OH yes! With baby #3, the responses from our parents were: "oh, no" and "why would you do that? You can't afford anymore kids!". I'm dreading the announcement for #4...

With strangers or casual aquaintances, it's easier to say something flip or brush off the question, but with family...it's so much harder. I'm sure to get grilled on what method of birth control we were using, were we using it properly, etc etc. And how do you *not* answer a direct question from your parent?

So far, IRL, only my best friend knows, because I knew she would be happy for us. Everyone else is in the dark and will stay there as long as possible!

[Larissa]

I agree that it is an inappropriate question, and very telling about our society and it's attitude about children. Children are blessings whether it's your first or your 12th!

I had people ask me that about my 2nd pregnancy...my 2nd!!! People are generally tolerant of 2 kids per family.

I intend to have as many babies as God will give me, and although I am only on #2(3rd pregnancy), I expect that I could be in your shoes someday.
It's so sad that the joyful tears aren't there for every single child!

[cosmos]

I sent the kids in the room to tell everyone while dh and I hid in the bedroom (it was really cute) but honestly, I couldn't handle any negativity which I was (unfortunately) expecting. Overall it was ok, but my grandma said something about it being "too early, way to early" -the youngest will be 2 1/2 when baby is born.

how weird are some people?

[KoalaMommy]

I'm hoping no one asks me this question at work! The truth is "yes" it was, but I can't really say that. I'm working on a response along the lines of "I don't really like to think of it in that light, planned or not, the baby is loved and wanted". Is that too snooty?! The truth is it's no one's business or concern, if you're happy about the baby, they should be happy with you.

I think some older people are really uptight about overpopulation and such, I know my grandmother (who had 3 by the way) always used to lecture me on the social responsibility of only having 2 children. And because we have family planning options, I think many people assume we'll only want 2, or that somehow 2 is ideal. Well, I grew up with only 2 in the house, and I assure you it was not ideal. I think they've found that sibling rivalry is much worse with 2 children than more. Fortunately I don't think we'll have to deal with this issue in our family much, we have each proclaimed since childhood that we wanted a large family, so when number 5 comes along, I don't think they'll give it a second thought.

Good luck with yours, maybe your excitement will be contagious.

[nannymom]

try this

People are so rude. When DH's mom responded to the news by saying you just couldn't even wait a year could you (we've only been married for 7 months) I was livid. my Best friend gave me some great advice: when people say something rude just say how would that have benfited you or when they ask a rude question say what would you get from knowing such personal information. It's tricky to find the nerve to do it but it's effective.

[nikirj]

I feel ya. My MIL was like "oh no!" and I was so bummed :-(. I thought she'd be happy :-(. She is going to hate me for wanting a homebirth too. My dad said "Oh my, have you guys figured out yet what causes that?" He probably thought he was being clever but it hurt, especially since we were TTC for 9 months.

My mom almost made up for it though, she was sooo happy and so glad to hear we are planning a homebirth (all four of us were born at home). My youngest brother (15yo) was super excited as well (he asked me if coming over when I was almost due and tickling me a lot would make the baby come faster - I told him I didn't think so, but if he wanted to try it he should be sure to wear a lot of padding). Besides the two of them, though, everyone seems to think that this is some huge tragedy.

I don't see how it is anyone's business. Seriously. This baby is very obviously wanted and DH and I are obviously very, very happy about it, so why on earth does everyone think this is so awful? MIL thinks we can't afford the baby - and I'm still not seeing what there is to afford or not, especially since DH has a job and we're getting by just fine (she has different standards, 6-figure requirements). And even so, she should just keep her darned mouth shut and at least appear to be happy, since we're obviously not worried.

OK, getting too long. Advice - learn to use "the face". You know, look at the person as if they just said the most ridiculous, rude, outrageous thing you've ever thought of. Look shocked. Look incredulous. Look at them like they are the stupidest person you've ever met. Try to do this all at once. They'll shut up. I first learned to use this face when my brother started asking when we were going to wean my (then 9mo) daughter and it has gotten some exercise since then.

[NoraJadesMama]

JenB,

I could have written your post, word for word. I am still floored that some people think it's appropriate to be negative about a pregnancy, to inquire whether it was planned, I mean REALLY! I couldn't believe that my mother would act like I had taken--not initiated--a life.

Why is it so hard to say? "Congratulations." and then just close your mouth. Simple.



It makes me really appreciate the happy responses.