tired of being jerked around

[dlb]

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Well..................

My son is sixteen and refuses to get up in time to take the bus. He tells me he will walk. Fine. But every time I tell him to get up in the morning he screams at me. I am to get off his back and let him be on his own scedual.

Well, this morning I don't hear from him untill 7, school starts at 7:45. He snarls at me that I don't have to drive him, he will still be at school on time. Fine, I continue on my morning getting the other boys ready for school.

Well, he comes to me when it is almost too late, and asks if I will drive him and his girlfreind to school when she gets here. He has already lost credit in some classes for lack of attendance. So ok, five minutes notice pretty much. Then when she gets here he goes to the kitchen and makes her a bagel. When I tell them both to hurry up, I get even more attitude. I tell him he can just walk, he's like fine, do you want me to be late again?

So I am being mistreated, but asked for a favor. And frankly, my budget is so tight this week that I don't appreciate his presumptuousness in just getting her a bagel-- he does that almost everyday with freinds that come over, just gets them food. I am usually generous, but its getting hard enough to feed all four of them.

Oh, and he is flunking classes again, for not turning in work. And lies to me about it. Says his grades are great. When I say that he should have turned in the work, he says "shoulda, coulda, woulda." He is yet again having a meeting with his math teacher to negotiate a passing grade.

So there I am, leaving my 11 year old in charge so that I can drop everything to take to surly 16 year olds, one of which is not even mine, to school. Interupting my morning, Because i don't want him to be late.

Oh, and my husband forgot to get his epilepsy meds, than we had to get emergency doses from the pharma because he didn't get to his doc. Then he didn't pick up the regular script yesterday, so this morning he tells me that he is out of tonights dose. So I HAVE to go get it-- a seizure could mean loss of his job. Every time we go through this. EVery time. Happens with his back too, he won't do anything for it, then I end up

I don't want my son to fail in school, to be tardy, I don't want my husband to have a seizure. So it falls on me. I wouldn't mind if it was just favors, but its an expectation, with the "you don't work" attitude behind it. It feels dehumanizing when its just expected.

Sorry so long.

DeAnna

[Quirky]

I'm sorry, mama.

I don't think you can let your dh's epilepsy meds go, obviously, but what would happen if you let your ds experience the natural consequences of his tardiness? It's not that you want him to be late, it's that he wants him to be late and is not doing what he needs to do to get with the program.

Just a thought....how about try a week or two of not getting him up, not driving him to school, not enabling him in any way?

[shelbean91]

I agree w/quirky. Getting meds for dh is probably unavoidable- could you keep track and see when he's getting low? That way he won't (can't) run out?

With you ds, I wouldn't have driven him. If he's going to be pissy with you anyway, at least you telling him no is giving him a reason to be pissy, right? Let him and his girlfriend be late- maybe if she's late, she'll get on him to get to school on time.

Of course you don't want him to be tardy or fail, but eventually (and sooner, rather than later) he'll be on his own, hopefully dealing with college schedules and he'll have to take care of himself, or suffer the consequences. If he has a job and is continually late, he'll get fired. If he goes on to college and blows off class, he'll fail and have to retake the class.

I would discuss this with him when he gets home- if he is still being surly, you could write a note. Let him know as of today, this is what is expected. If he doesn't want to be hounded and lectured, he needs to take care of himself- getting up and to school on time, and not asking you for a ride 5 minutes before he needs to be there. You simply won't do it anymore. He'll test you a few times and realize that you mean business.

Of course, this is all in theory- my kids are young. I recently had to do a presentation on positive discipline for a class and this type of thing exactly was covered in the book I had to read. It was Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson, PhD. Pretty good read if you have the time- she also has several other books, for other age groups and I'm pretty sure she has a teen specific book.

[spero]

Originally Posted by dlb

he's like fine, do you want me to be late again?

YOU do not have to be responsible for HIS problem. Tell him it's not your problem that he's late; and that if he wants to get to school on time to get his a** up on time. Stop allowing him to make you the guilty party for something that isn't your fault.

So I am being mistreated, but asked for a favor.

You are allowing this mistreatment, and you don't owe him any favors. Say no.

And frankly, my budget is so tight this week that I don't appreciate his presumptuousness in just getting her a bagel-- he does that almost everyday with freinds that come over, just gets them food. I am usually generous, but its getting hard enough to feed all four of them.

Tell him that friends are not allowed to graze at your house without your permission. Lock up/hide the food, if you have to.

Oh, and he is flunking classes again, for not turning in work. And lies to me about it. Says his grades are great.

I've been having this problem with my son, too. He's terrifically bright but very disorganized. I would be perfectly willing to let him fail classes and spend his vacation in summer school as a consequence, but DH won't have it. In desperation, I finally sought help from my son's guidance counselor. Now he goes to "homework help" after school and isn't allowed to leave until his homework is finished, organized, and in his locker. And his grades have improved.

So there I am, leaving my 11 year old in charge so that I can drop everything to take to surly 16 year olds, one of which is not even mine, to school.

WHY?????????????????

Let them be late! It's not your problem! They are 16 years old and can certainly be responsible for their lateness! You're lucky that they can walk to school - if mine miss the bus I have to drive them or else they can't go!

Oh, and my husband forgot to get his epilepsy meds, than we had to get emergency doses from the pharma because he didn't get to his doc. Then he didn't pick up the regular script yesterday, so this morning he tells me that he is out of tonights dose. So I HAVE to go get it-- a seizure could mean loss of his job. Every time we go through this. EVery time. Happens with his back too, he won't do anything for it, then I end up

Oh, come on...so basically, you have another irresponsible kid in the house? I mean, really - what if you weren't around to get your DH's meds? He'd have to find a way to get them himself, right? I could see you doing it once but you say it happens all the time. He's dependent on you to be responsible for him.

I don't want my son to fail in school, to be tardy, I don't want my husband to have a seizure. So it falls on me. I wouldn't mind if it was just favors, but its an expectation, with the "you don't work" attitude behind it. It feels dehumanizing when its just expected.

You are enabling your DH & son to be irresponsible. They expect you to pick up the ball when they drop it. You need to allow them to face the consequences of their actions.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've BTDT.

[singermom]

I have to quickly weigh in on the medicine thing, because we have this problem in our house, too, with my DH's anti-depressants. He is forever running out of them with little or no notice, and then he'll come to me to try to work out a solution. I mean, he will pick up his own medication, but only if I've called in the Rx, or reminded him, or whatever. Yeah, it's pretty immature of him, but like you say, I don't want him to spiral into a funk, so I pretty much figure out a way to fix it for him, each time. Only advice I have is to work out whatever system will keep you in the loop, so that you can plan in advance for when his medicine gets low--a big circle on the calendar, keep the pills where you can monitor them, make him hand you the Rx so you can fill it early, whatever works.

The teen-ager is a whole 'nother issue, and we had similar things happen with my sd, who is now 18 and just beginning to get out of that phase where "every problem is someone else's". ITA with what most of the other people here have said--engage less, and enable not at all, at least not until you get a halfway decent request. My sd quickly learned that I just wouldn't respond if she came at me with any kind of nasty tone, so if she had any hope of getting something she wanted, she would need to come to me in a reasonable manner. It didn't always mean she got what she wanted, but at least she knew it would get a fair hearing.

Sorry, mama! Good luck keeping everything together...it sounds like you are doing the best job you can!

Mia

[Piglet68]

moving this to Teen parenting...

[SabrinaJL]

I agree with the others. I have a 16 year old. He was doing awful in school. In fact, he was held back last year. I've been on him and on him and on him about it. Nothing seemed to work and it was just fighting and aggravation. I finally realized that as much as I want to, I can't force him to get good grades. He will be 17 in 2 months and needs to start learning to take responsibility for himself. So I washed my hands of it.

I sat him down and told him that I now realized that I can do no more for him and his future is in his own hands. If he wants to end up working at McDonalds for minimum wage, that's up to him. But if he wants to make something of himself and get a good job that he enjoys, that's also up to him. I told him it's his life to do with as he pleases, so long as he understand that he has to either be in college or have a job by the time he graduates and that if he is in college he's welcome to stay with us but if he has a job, he has 6 months to find a place of his own.

I know it seems harsh but I think it was just what he needed. He has brought all his grades WAY up, is much more involved in school (school paper, academic decathalon, next week the teacher is letting him teach Russian history because he's very knowledgeable about it), and has plans for himself.

[dlb]

Thanks for the input guys.

I am hoping I finally hit the breaking point, and I will be able to quite this little dance I have been doing.

This morning I didn't even knock on his door to wake him up. As my dh says, he has 2 alarm clocks and is smart enough to figure them out. Besides that, he yells at me when I do. So anyway, I debated with myself- what if he's late? What if he doesn't get credit for the class because of too many tardies? And it occured to me, let go...its his responsibility. And he got up and got himself to school on time.

I am encouraged by the advice here. As singermom put it, to engage less, and not enable seems to be the theme. Its just so hard to let go.

And, as an aside, my husbands new script is written for 3 months at a fill. So at least I will get a little bit of a break there.

Thanks again,

DeAnna

[Jane]

DeAnna-I use Walgreen's Auto-Refill for my prescriptions. They auto fill my bcp's every 3 weeks and send me an email. They even call my doctor for an authorization if needed. If I call I have to go in, if they call, he authorizes it. Saves me time and money. It's www.walgreens.com and you have to wait for a mailed password. If it happens automatically, it can't be an issue, right? How's that for the coward's way out?
PS I agree with your last post. The advice here doesn't sound unreasonable to me. I would think it's going to get worse in a week when he realizes your serious. Just sayin'.

[dlb]

yep, Apricot, this morning he was shocked, shocked I tell you, when he got up late and came into my room to ask for a ride so he wouldn't be late. I was up all night with Danny, who was achy and feverish, and frankly I am not feeling so hot myself. I told him to hustle, no ride at the last minute anymore. BTW, its his choice to walk, he is refusing to ride the bus. so I am assuming he got to school on time this morning. In any case, its not my problem.

I knew he was oversleeping, but didn't knock on his door. His alarm went off, he chose to ignore it. Usually almost every day I would knock on his door and call to him, and get screamed at, and told to mind my own business.
Well, today I did so.

I will look into the Walgrens thing, because the grocery store I usually get his meds at will possibly be on strike soon, and I won't cross a picket line.

Thanks again to everyone.

DeAnna