UC suppport #4, May - Page 3

[Chandar]

I just pop my head up to be counted as an upcoming UC in July. I have an almost 4yo dd who was born unmedicated in a hospital wish I knew then...I was honored to be at my friends' last 2 UC births. I took from those births, that birth is a normal part of life, and womanhood. We are slowly but surely revving up to get ready for baby. I have seen a midwife 2x. Once for concerns about swelling, and I don't know why the 2nd time. I had a bout with kidney stones in March, and so I am hoping that the rest is clear sailing. My dh has read the Emergency Childbirth book by Dr. White, and really likes it alot. He is always telling me how the book says to leave the mother to do what she needs etc... I find that very encouraging, as it has been a long road to our decision. I did have an unassitted m/c last summer, and I think seeing that my body took care of itself is what truly pushed him over. Well back to lurker mode

[member234098]

Good luck with that plan.

s

[laurata]

Can we talk about partner communication during a UP?

During my last pregnancy, there was quite a bit of stress between dh and I on the UC issue. As a result, I went out of my way to NOT discuss issues regarding pregnancy or birth. We never really talked about birthing fears etc. I felt like I couldn't trust him with my fears/ feelings, and discusses seemed to inevitably disintigrate into arguements. I am hoping that this pregnancy wont be like that.

How do you work through issues before birth without it becoming a huge source of friction? Dh is still not 100% on board with UC, but I think he's resigned himself to the fact that I'll do whatever I want. He's made a few comments about how I "must like risk." Because I'm going to UC again, I don't think the vit K and eye goop is 100% necessary all the time, etc. His fear of meconium was a huge factor in our transport immediately after dd was born. (I agreed only because I thought he wanted to call 911 because dd was "stuck"- we did have sticky shoulders.)

So how to approach this?

[amyamanda]

Hi, Laura!

I'm sorry your DH wasn't as supportive as you hoped he would be during your last pregnancy. I'm not sure I have anything helpful to say... Have you tried being open with him about your concerns, letting him know (as gently as possible, of course) that because of his attitude, you're feeling like you can't talk with him about the things that are important to you? And that you really would like to share your feelings with him if he's open to listening?

I also wonder, if your DH is not completely on board with UC, if you might consider having someone else support you in labor (or else really just not having your DH be the one...you could do it alone if that felt right to you). It sounds like his negativity is affecting you in a way that is quite stressful for you and if it was anyone else in your life I might say, just don't involve them, but it's so tricky when it's your DH...I'm hoping maybe someone else here will have some BTDT suggestions.

{{{{{Laura}}}}} The only other thing that comes to mind is exploring some kind of couples counseling to work through communication issues in your relationship. I realize this probably sounds like a way huge hurdle, but I can't help but thinking that what's going on with your DH is a symptom of a bigger communication struggle in your relationship not specifically related to UCing.

[cottonwood]

Gee, to be making mean-spirited comments like that (of course you're not doing it because you like risk ), he must be really freaked out about it. But I agree with Amanda, sounds like it would really help to work on communication issues before even thinking about talking about the birth.

Do you think he would feel better if you didn't expect him to be at the birth? I've heard of men really relaxing about it when they didn't feel their wives were holding them responsible for making decisions during the birth. I don't know, just a thought.

[LavenderMae]

My dh isn't really on board with UC either, although he knows I will have one. He also doesn't want to have another hospital birth either. He says he NEVER wants to catch another baby (he unexpectly caught our first baby and it scared the sh!t out of him). I know it is just fear and when I get pregnant again or before I am going to have him read some UC stories and such. Ultimately I know he does not want to be responsible for me or our baby if something was to go wrong, I mean I think that is at the core of his fears. Maybe letting your dh read very positive things about UC might help and letting him express his fears (if you can handle them at this time) might help him. It does sound like he is just really afraid. Do you have any UC books he could read? Would he be less afraid if he read a book about labor , what is the book something like "Emergency Childbirth?????" maybe if he read something like that and felt he was somewhat "prepared" it would help?

edited to say--having him read stuff might just make it worse, I think it could go either way. Maybe letting him "off the hook" so to speak would give him peace with the decision to UC.

[JesseMomme]

I have a few minutes so I thought I'd pop in and say hello My pregnancy is going well so far - and I really think the baby may arrive in Sept but oh well august is fine to put down! :LOL I do know my conception date was Dec 16th, fwiw.

I've been there about not having a supportive partner. For me this was during Donovan's pregnancy. I had a lot of my own fear/doubts and lots of external pressures/stress so it wasn't a UC, but that hospital birth really did open my Dh's eyes "She's right after all!!" and he was 100% UC from there on in. I sure hope though that no one has to have a or another hospital birth to "prove" to their Dh's that UC may be the way to go after all. Not to mention that may not work anyways, they may just see everything that is done as nessasary. Hospitals and the percieved authority of Drs and nurses can be a really powerful thing.

Anyways Dh still felt a bit nervous now and then, and reiterating blueviolet's suggestion, he did feel much better knowing he didnt' have to be the "replacement" for a professional, just to be emotionally and practically supportive and helpful. Turns out he slept through most of my labor, which was fine because he was alert enough to take care of the kids the next morning while I went into transistion, and it wound up being a solo birth anyways LOL. After the birth I was "barking orders" - "get the blankets" "I need some water" "grab the pan" "tie the cord there that should be fine". It just came naturally and everything fell into place on it's own.

One of the major hurdles I have this time is that unlike my last pregnancy, I'm now living nearby my mother again, and even after a successful birth she still thinks I'm nuts. She hasn't said much in a few weeks thankfully but how long will that last! I've had to hear things like "Do what M did and go to the hospital at the last possible second so they don't have to do any of that crap to you" or, here's a good one "just have the baby in the car so it will look like you were on your way!" Oh no way!!! I forgot to tell her that a day after that suggestion I watched a report on the news about a New Jersey couple who was speeding to the hospital. She had the baby in the car and he wound up crashing the car. The father died I believed and the mother was found wandering around looking for the baby!! They were both in critical condition last I heard. I hope their ok now. I did tell my mom "remember last time we just agreed to disagree and not discuss it?" and she said "No"! I said "well maybe we need to do that again" and she said she coudln't promise to keep her mouth shut.

Oh, I'm doing my own prenatal care which is just involving eating well and taking it easy. I have been wanting to get into yoga again but haven't been able to find any good yoga on DVD. I know I could go along with diagrams in books and magazines but I've found that awkward and breaks my concentration. I did see a GP at around 3 months preg, for a confirmation of pregnancy, and went through a general checkup so I could get a referall for counselers for PPD. (medicaid hoop jumping basically)

Ok I need to reign the children, so I have to go. Oh you can add my UC story for Liam if you like, the link is http://unassistedchildbirth.com/jesse.htm. Also if you are a birthlove member all of my birthstories can be found there too. Thank you for starting this thread.

Oh and CONGRATS INDIGOLOLLIBEAR!!! I just noticed in your signature you had your baby! How wonderful

[ChildoftheMoon]

Hi Jesse Glad you joined us. Thanks for sharing Liam's story. Just lovely!
Brandi

[cottonwood]

Jesse, I can put down whatever you want. I was just going by your sig line.

That was sure an odd comment your mom made about you birthing in the car to pretend to others you were going to the hospital. Is she concerned about you getting in trouble with CPS or something?

I feel SO lucky that I don't have anybody bugging me about our plans. I hope that doesn't change as we get closer to the birth. I am perfectly happy to explain why we are doing this, I just don't want a bunch of negative energy directed at me. I've told some acquaintances -- which I didn't do last time -- and they didn't even bat an eye. One woman even said that she'd like to but she thought it would make her husband uncomfortable. Granted, these are somewhat alternative folks (homeschoolers) but I was still surprised -- maybe the reasons behind UC are starting to seep into the general consciousness?

[laurata]

Just to clarify (re: unsupprtive parter)

I've already had a UC. My husband was AMAZING and TOTALLY supportive during the birth. The issue is that we didn't communicate well during my pregnancy, thus, our fears didn't get hashed out in advance. If they had been, dh might have been able to realize thst mec in the waters isn't such a big deal, and no reason to call 911 asap.

[majazama]

It's all so strange when you think about it.... we are women who believe in our bodies. We had the help of a man to get us pregnant, but we are the ones who birth the child. And then we have to convince the people who are going to be at the birth, that it is O.K. (my mom and partner will be there)

That said, I feel like I don't even know where my mom and partner stand on this UC decision of mine. They are NOT totally "you can do, we know you can" (like cheerleaders, what I would love), but I bring up the topic often, talking about how I know my body can do this, and it's natural etcetera. I feel like they are "letting" me do it. It's so frustrating! I don't really care if they are there or not, though I would like someone to rub my back, and someone else to watch my toddler.

Maybe I could just sneak off when I am in labour, and go have the baby in the lake nearby..... jees...... I know you all understand what I'm saying, right? I mean, who are they to not believe in what I feel is right. I can change my tampon by myself.... sorry this has gotten kind of rambly.... it's almost like the abortion issue.... a woman's choice, right?

I just wish that we could all do what we feel is right, without having to prove ourselves to our partners, or others. It's really too bad that so many women want to have an UC, but end up not doing it because of someone else's opinion.

O.K., I'll stop now

[LavenderMae]

Mamjaza, I do understand what you are saying and I agree! That's why I'll UC wether not my dh is 100% on board or not. I do think I resent it that I need to convince him that I should birth the way I know is right.
I can understand his fears but I think he needs to work them out for his own peace of mind. He has been sold the same lies as most people have , that labor is inherently dangerous and a "expert" needs to "help" a woman give birth so that nothing goes wrong. Although he knows on an intellectual level this is false I think his fears get in the way. Fear, fear , fear ugghhhhh.
I think I'll probably have him entertain the kids while I give birth next time. Then he won't feel he has to be resposible for me.
With my first birth (unplanned UC) I didn't really want him around until the very end anyway. I'm very introverted and when in labor I am deep within myself , so really I guess no reason for him to be there. I do want him to think UC is the best and be ethusiastic about it like I am, is that too much to ask!? I want him to be proud of my decision to UC, not afraid.

[majazama]

Yes, the fear aspect is another thing that bothers me. I mean the people I will have at me birth, will impart their feelings into the scene. Birth is *SUCH* a mind-body thing, for me anyways. At my DD's birth, I would get stronger rushes when the midwife phoned the hospital to let them know I was going to give birth soon ... I got stronger rushes when I didn't feel like I was in control of *my* situation, basically... I also remember telling my partner, and the midwife that it hurt at one point, and consequently, I felt a LOT more pain, because of thier mind-state, thinking of me in pain. It was really quite pychic, and I imagine it will be like that again this time. I just wish everyone was totally *on board* with me about this whole thing.

I actually had a dream, sort-of-thing last night... involving my mom being at my birth. I also felt like I needed to do things to my apartment (like open the blinds, etcetera, to impart an "open" flow in my space) Interesting, I felt like it was more like my spirit letting my know what I should do, rather than a dream.

[LavenderMae]

Other peoples' energy definitely effects me when I'm in labor. I am on such a different level of consciousness I think I am more aware of their energy. I need to me inside myself during labor so people who's enrergy makes me anxious is not good at all. I surely don't need anyone elses fears during labor. I really really want my dh to be on board too. I will continue to talk to him and I am hoping he will see the light. I am trying to prepare myself though for him not coming around completely. We aren't even ttc yet so I have time.

[JesseMomme]

Jesse, I can put down whatever you want. I was just going by your sig line.

The boards are all changed, I'm still trying to figure out how it all works, lol.

August if fine with me. I so easily lose track in my mind how many weeks along I am, and add that to the fact I don't concentrate on actual due dates at all (I haven't actually tried to calculate one this time), I just figure in August I'll be getting close, and if we get to Sept, I'll be really close to birth! When people ask how far along I am, I just say "4 months" or now, "5 months".

Oh, my mother. Her big concerns, other than potential medical problems like, oh, who knows, is CPS. I did deal with CPS after having Liam but that was only because my MIL is a big nosy insane freak!! If she hadn't called them done anything I would have never have seen CPS at all, as far as I can guess. So my mother is saying "someone will think it's nuts and call them and they will take your children away" etc etc. Well, I've dealt with my CPS fears, and add that to the fact that nothing came of it last time, I really am not worried at all. Best of all , I'm now 800 miles away from my crazy MIL, I'd rather be dealing with my mother than her! And I highly doubt my mother would ever pull such a stunt on me herself, so long as people just mind their beeswax, I think I'm going ot be fine! I think overall she is just afraid for me (stillllll), she still believes in the nessecity (sp) of attendants "jsut in case". Just in case of what Mom, I ask myself. So she's been trying to play on the old medical fears I'm over and the fears of having my children being taken away - hence, the nutty car idea. Honestly, she's a smart woman and hearing that come from her made my jaw drop. Like I said to her "I am <i>not</i> having my baby in a <i>car!</i>" I think she was just desparate to get me to allow attendants near me at birth and not thinking clearly lol.

Thanks for clarifying for me laurata, I guess I read you wrong lol. And now, I must go eat something pronto!!

[mollyeilis]

I mainly lurk here for the future, since I'm still assuming we'll actually call our pre-paid midwives when baby gets serious about coming out, but all this talk about cars made me want to speak up.

There's a lovely VW van that seems to live in our apartment complex, and you can see cushions and pillows and pretty curtains in it. Everytime I go by I want to find the owner, buy the van, and have our baby in it. Not while driving, but in the van.

I know, it's silly (no room!), but it's a little fantasy of mine.

[cottonwood]

I'm wondering how you are all dealing with the issue of death. Obviously, not being able to shift responsibility to someone else, we are in a special situation regarding death. What are your perspectives and beliefs about this?

[majazama]

Do you mean if the baby dies, blueviolet? I haven't really thought about it much, because I truely feel it will be fine.

But if the baby decides to die, I'm O.K. with that. I was going to have an abortion at the beginning of the pregnancy, then realized that I really couldn't do it.... it just felt so bad.... I don't have a very good financial, or living situation, and one baby instead of two would be a lot easier on me. But a baby dying would be very hard on me, as well, of course.

[cottonwood]

Yes, that's what I mean. I mean, for many people that's what is between them and a UC. Fear of not being able to handle an emergency, fear of being responsible, fear of death. It's a complex issue, one that (it seems to me) all UCers have to come to terms with in some way. I'm just curious how all of you have done that.

[LavenderMae]

Linda, I haven't delt with the death issue to much yet. I have a hard time thinking about it. Just thinking of my baby dieing makes me cry and I'm not even pregnant. I feel there is less chance of my baby dieing if I UC then if I have a hospital ob/ or midwive (hosp. or hb) attended birth. I know I wouldn't be okay with my baby dieing but I don't feel UC is increasing that risk at all and actually lessening it. I would transfer to a hospital in a heart beat if I felt something was going on with my baby that I couldn't make better but someone with emergency equipment could.
I think I will know if something is wrong and then decide what to do from there.
I think the responsibilty part is what causes my dh the most fear. I know I have that fear too and I need to deal with it on the surface but for now I guess I just don't like to think about it.
Having had such drastically different labor/birth experiences with my dc , I can say w/o a doubt my hospital/ob birth was way scarier than my unplanned UC. With my dd (unplannedUC) I had no fears at all while in labor, I never even for a second thought about her dieing or me dieing. In the hospital I was in so much pain for a brief time dieing would have been sweet relief. I also was a fraid for my son after he was born because I didn't trust the nurses or doctors to take care of him right and not cause him harm (even if not intended). Btw, my OB was a very good doctor , very gentle , very caring but yet still a doctor, that medicalized birth and in return took my power away.
I don't know what my point is and I have kind of rambled on here but when I think of me having a UC not a lot of fear is involved but if I think about having an OB or midwive with me when I birth I have a lot of fear. That has got to mean something.
(excuse my typos, please)