UC suppport #4, May - Page 5

[cottonwood]

Mamajaza, I do mean to answer my own question but since it's such a serious one I'm kind of waiting until I have a peaceful moment to myself so I can really think about what I want to say.

Molly, it sure sounds like your body is gearing up to give birth! Are your midwives licensed? It sounds like they don't really believe you or the baby are in any danger, but feel more comfortable with something documented in case they have to cover their buns, you know? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, your birth attendant should be someone you trust and feel protected by, not someone you feel you have to protect yourself emotionally from. It may not even have occured to them that their requests for tests is even making this an issue. Maybe if you put it that way to them they'd back off?

[mollyeilis]

I really appreciate everyone's help so far. smooches to all of you.


They are LMs, yes. The apprentice midwife is the one that called today; we had scheduled the NST for NEXT Monday (and I thought I was being clever because that was 41w5days, when they told me their malpractice ins. co. wants them at 41 and a half) but the midwife noticed that and had her call to move it closer AND schedule the AFI.

The apprentice seems to be a master at double-talk...she agrees with me then continues to try to schedule it. And the way they have told me that tests are optional...some they really appear lax on (GTT and most other tests) but then they really push (while appearing open to your decision) GBS test and giving the baby Vit.K. Strange. And it's different, depending on which of the two midwives I see.

Anyway, I don't want to clutter up the UC thread with all this stuff, unless anyone finds it helpful in feeling strong about their UC!!!


Worst thing about it all is that I switched TO them at ~29 weeks because I was so uncomfortable with my CNM-with-birth-center. But now I'm wishing I'd just stuck with the CNM or hired the CNM practice that works out of a really progressive hospital. At least they were open and up front with me; I knew where I stood with them from day one (and from the consult), whereas I feel as though I was lied to at the consult with these women. And that is NOT a good feeling at all, especially since we're pre-paid.

Oh, and I was crying the last 10 minutes of the conversation, so they KNOW how I feel and how I don't enjoy this pressure. Doesn't stop 'em.

Harumph.

********
Can I answer the death question?

It came up today talking to the apprentice, because she (and the midwife at yesterday's appointment) kept talking about that one baby from tons of births that might die. I held my tongue yesterday but couldn't today. The apprentice was ending a sentence in something vague that was meant to evoke "oh no the baby might die" in my head, and I just said "and that would be Nature."

I think she was a bit shocked. I told her that I'm willing to "risk" that kind of thing...if something happened it would be horribly, awfully sad, and I would mourn forever. But as long as it wasn't caused by some medical intervention, I would ultimately come to peace with it. And if there were some kind of law problem to be faced, I would face it.

Speaking of that, the apprentice kept saying "you'll have the test results, we'll put them in your file, then if anyone wants to look at it they will see it was all OK" over and over. I finally had to tell her "you have to realize, letting other people look at my records is not MY concern, it's your concern."

So anyway.

On the other side, I'm basically at peace with the thought of my own death. I would feel very sad because Robert would either be alone or with an infant to care for, and I don't WANT that to happen, but I've come to terms with it. Again, better that happen naturally at home, rather than due to some medical error or intervention in a hospital.




You know what? I think I *would* have been better off just planning for an UC this time. Unfortunately, it's taken all this junk to make me realize it. Jury's still out on whether I'll actually call the midwives WHEN I go into labor, um, tonight. (crosses fingers and toes for self)

[lovemygirl]

Hi Molly,
IMO, I wouldn't call them to attend the birth--seriously...they don't sound like they are very supportive of what *you* want...sounds like they want to do what *they* want on their time (hmmm kinda makes me think of a doctor in a hospital wanting to do what *he/she* wants despite your birth plan or what you discussed with them). If you are feeling so stressed and upset at this point with them, that is only going to make your labor harder, I hate to say. How could you relax and feel at ease with people whom you are at odds with right now? I know I couldn't...I had resentment toward my midwife and I knew I couldn't possibly have her at this birth... it would make me too angry and too stressed out... I agree with the other poster...maybe you are here because you are meant to UC...I think so...and definitely let dh call them to decline the tests. I know you don't want to throw money down the drain but what are the midwives going to do that you or dh can't?

JMHO :-)

Good luck with your decision.

[majazama]

ITA with what lovemygirl said. I had the same sort of experience, where I didn't really feel comfortable with the midwife, but ended up having her there. I totally regreted her coming. I think it made things way more complicated than they needed to be, and she did things that I specifically asked her not to (ie. doppler, giving baby O2 even though it wasn't neccessary, and making me give birth semi-reclining when I *asked* to stand up) If you have doubts about your midwives listening to what you feel is important, or not important, then you should go it alone. You *can* do it. It's natural. Even if you loose out on a bunch of money, you'll probably have an awesome time giving birth, that would be worth more than money could buy. If your partner is into it as well, I'd really say to go for it! That was the main reason why I ended up with the midwife before was because of my partners reluctance to do an UC.

O.K. I have to go to bed now. Sweet dreams everyone.

[StacyL]

For Molly..

I haven't read the replies to your post yet, but my advice is ....JUST SAY NO... as the old drug campaign used to say, haha. Seriously, it sounds like your body is doing exactly what it should and labor is imminent, even if a few days away. Don't be bullied! Turn on your answering machine and turn the volume OFF. Tell them you'll see them at the hospital when it's time, or you'll invite them over when it's time (if a homebirth).

Pray to God for strength to listen to your baby and body!

[mollyeilis]

Dangit. While I napped I turned this over to my hubby. What did he get me? A NST with a fetascope, and them "allowing" us to schedule the ultrasound for Monday.

What the?

This is not working for me. The midwife intervention, that is. I am simply shocked by all this. They are LMs, they were not supposed to be like this. This is why I got out of the CNM practice.

They would actually not allow Robert to 'just say no'...


Edited....

In continuing to learn about the convo with the midwife (who was graduated less than 5 years ago...the 18 year veteran is out of town until the 30th), it has come down to fear. We have to get these tests at 41 and a half weeks so that it looks good for their OB consult if I go to 42 weeks. If there's nothing done at 42 weeks, their OB will be angry at them, and is not likely to give a good recommendation.

If a good recommendation is not given, they won't go against it because two midwives have been prosecuted by the state for bad outcomes (even when the parents are asking the state to NOT prosecute). So it's all fear. And it's barely even fear for a bad outcome, is it? It's fear of prosecution.

Fear-based practice.

Not what I expected.

This is not healthy for me.

[cottonwood]

Well, the only two things that can happen, if you refuse the NST/ultrasound, is that they either deal with it or they drop you. Did they actually threaten to drop you??

I would be PISSED. (Which it sounds like you are...)

Listen. It really does sound like your body wants to go into labor, but you know this stress is probably holding it back. The good ol' fight or flight response. My advice is to forget about it for now, let it go. Tell yourself that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter what they want or what they think of you. Divorce yourself from the situation. Laugh about how utterly ridiculous it is (because it is!) Turn off your phone. Go do something that celebrates the goddess in you (take a drive or overnight trip to somewhere that you enjoy, eat chocolate cake, buy yourself flowers, take a walk in the sunshine, whatever.) Do that for the entire rest of the week. If you get to Sunday night without having gone into labor, well then you can reevaluate what you want to do. But there is plenty of time between then and now; don't waste it worrying about *them*.

Edited to respond to your edit: I feel sorry for your midwives, the politics of it all is not their fault, and it's very unjust. However, they were NOT upfront with you about it when you hired them (and paid them all that money.) They had a responsibility to be. So they have abdicated any right to expect you to protect them. Your sole responsibility, right now, is taking care of yourself and your baby.

[mollyeilis]

Thank you, Linda. I really appreciate it.

And I appreciate everyone who has allowed me to rant in here, it is most gracious of you to not kick me out.

I think I'm going to do just what you said. Cake, especially. I've been so focused on protein that I haven't given into the cake urges recently.

Robert's boss has just scheduled a one-on-one meeting with him for tomorrow, urging how important it is and all that, so that I have no choice but to make him miss the meeting because I am in labor LOL.


At this point I don't know what's going to happen with the midwives when I go into labor, and I'm going to just not care. Perhaps I'll pretend this is my 5th kid instead of my 1st, and just act as if I know (in my head) what to do.


Thank you. And I hope I've solidified all of your views on UC by ranting and raving in here.

[Aura_Kitten]

Fear-based practice.

Not what I expected.

This is not healthy for me.

s


~ update: saw my OB today... everything is spiffy. so... planning UC.

[LizD]

Hi Molly, did not realize you were already on this board and replied to you elsewhere. whoops. Don't go along with these tests unless you want them and feel they're going to be helpful to *you.* And if you feel so negatively about these midwives and these surprises, I urge you seriously to consider how they are going to behave/act at your birth and whether it is something you can live with. When I met a backup of my midwife's I was so upset afterwards I considered not using my midwife at all, until she told me the backup lives too far away to attend my birth. I am going to make more clear that I won't have that backup in my house, politely of course -I'll try anyway- but it is dangerous for your health, as you know, to feel a)such a lack of compassion and b) a lack of respect for your wishes.

It is hard on many midwives to practice depending on the local climate but you must do what is best for your health, not for their licensing or records.

And your body does know exactly what to do, first kid or fifth. Your head may not know, but the rest of you does. Seek out truly supportive help. It is never too late to change your plans.

[cottonwood]

"It is never too late to change your plans."

True. It's just that the less time, the less opportunity to find options/support. I wish you lived near me, I could you set you right up!

Anyway, I know it's especially hard to consider UC for your first. But why not approach it this way: just take it as far by yourself as you feel comfortable with. That might be the entire labor, it might be half of it, it might be 90% of it, who knows. Just allow yourself that flexibility. If you really do need help at some point, you'll know it.

How does your husband feel about UC?

[cottonwood]

By the way, Klothos, congrats. I put you on the roster, too. (first page of this thread)

[mollyeilis]

Linda, don't think I haven't considered going to Oregon for a week or two. I could be quite happy living at a McMenamins B&B and using someone in the area.

Actually, a cyber-friend on the other message board I inhabit (a habit picked up while planning our wedding) has told me I could go down to OR, stay at her relative's house, and she knows people there.

So now it's been mentioned twice, hmm....I *knew* Oregon was the place for me!

Robert was scared of UC at first, but as he's watching these midwives change before his very eyes (he was there at the initial consult with this practice, and he heard what he said and knows how different it is from what is being asked for now) he's losing trust in them.

Now I'm really wishing we'd found a copy of Emergency Childbirth, or whatever its called, just to really shore up his book-learnin'.

And it's not like I didn't agree to testing AFTER 42 weeks. I did. I'm cool with that. But they want it beforehand, and that's bothering me. I'm also bothered by the fact that I've been *telling* them that I'm going to be late this whole time, and they hadn't shared the specifics with me.

They are also now openly doubting my MIL's 44 week pregnancy with Robert. I doubted it at first, but then I looked more into the facts about length of pregnancies, and I believe it now. But they are doubting her dates. Er, FIL was a merchant marine. She KNEW when he was in town and when he wasn't. She's sure of dates.

Anyway, if Robert's carrying a slow-cooking gene that got passed along to baby, it's no wonder this is taking awhile. On top of everything, my mom is gone and can't tell me how long she went with us. My brother and I were "normal" weight (but I was a shrimpy thing), but so was Robert at 44 weeks. My dad wasn't around to know, and her sister wasn't around at the time either.

And the last bit that's bothering me...no one is talking about money. We pre-paid, out of pocket. They'll do the NST, but is it extra? No one's mentioning it. And what about this AFI ultrasound? Where is that money coming from? Is anyone going to coordinate it with my insurance company? They have paid for labs ordered by these midwives, but an ultrasound? I mean, for something that's simply fear-based, I *must* think about money. For something that becomes an emergency, that's an emergency and you think about money later on. But something like this, we have to know in advance.

Ugh.

OK really, I must stop kvetching in here. You guys are so great and helpful and huggy.

[Aura_Kitten]

thanks.

my SO is very supportive. he seemed a little wary at first... but said, "hey, it's your choice." and then the more i ranted about hospitals and their practices... and the more we discussed what would go on in a hospital birth... finally he ended up saying, "you know, you know that your body will do what it needs to when the time comes. you know people are safer delivering at home. you'll be fine."

[laurata]

(((Molly)))

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with your midwives. As blueviolet said, you can just take labor as it comes. Trust your body. It knows what to do.

I have to say, as I'm reading this thread, I feel good about my decision to have a UC. At this point, I have a LOT of fears about going unassisted again. But I'm moving through them, and I KNOW this babe will be born blissfully and easily into the hands of his or her family. I wanted a solo birth last time, and I'm leaning towards really _preparing_ for one this time.

I'm going to see an OB next week though. I could use some supportive thoughts on getting through that. It's a consult on my cyst. (Not a prenatal appointment- does that leave me still having a UP? ) Most likely we'll go through with surgery the end of June, which I am NOT looking forward to. But, I'm trying to just take these things as they come, and trust that it's all going to work out OK.

[Aura_Kitten]

. I wanted a solo birth last time, and I'm leaning towards really _preparing_ for one this time.

me too! i was actually planning on just not going... but when i was in labor, i had a doctor's appointment that day, which, silly me, i went to. they kept me there when i realized i was in labor.

I'm going to see an OB next week though. I could use some supportive thoughts on getting through that. It's a consult on my cyst. (Not a prenatal appointment- does that leave me still having a UP? ) Most likely we'll go through with surgery the end of June, which I am NOT looking forward to. But, I'm trying to just take these things as they come, and trust that it's all going to work out OK.

s

if i can ask, where's the cyst? i had one on my left ovary, but it just kind of petered out on it's own, thankfully. i know that's scary though.

i've seen my OB throughout my entire pregnancy. honestly i adore him, but i just am not comfortable w/ the idea of someone assisting me during birth... especially after what happened last time.

[laurata]

The Cyst

Originally Posted by klothos

if i can ask, where's the cyst? i had one on my left ovary, but it just kind of petered out on it's own, thankfully. i know that's scary though.

It's on my "right" ovary (but the left side of my body, which always throws me off) and it's been hanging out there since September or October, between 8-10 cms. It's not hurting me anymore, but I can easily feel it when I lay on my back. From the outside, it feels slightly longer than the length of my hand. It seems like for me, when I develop a largish cyst like this one, they just don't go away on their own. I had another for 6+ months when I was 16. The guy who was treating me for it aspirated it (which was probably a cakewalk compared to laproscopic surgery) and it hasn't bothered me for 5 or 6 years. But that one was "the size of a grapefruit" too.

[Aura_Kitten]

s

i guess mine would be on my right ovary too (??) ~ was on the left side of my body. i have no idea how big mine was, only that it hurt really badly.

my mom had her cysts drained -- i guess that's what you're talking about?

when i had the laparoscopy (for endometriosis) a couple of years ago, my OB said he ended up just leaving it since it looked like it was getting better... and sure enough it did.

do cysts interfere w/ pregnancy or birth? i was told at one point that midwives may not attend a homebirth for me since i have a history of cysts on my ovaries (lots of little ones covering them, as well as the big one)... ? it must be stressful to have to deal w/ all of that.

[oshunmama]

A UC Intro

I just wanted to say hello! I am Shannon, homeschooling stepmom to Robert(13), homebirthing (LM attended) momma to Gavin (6) and Connell (3). I loved my midwife in Ohio--she was more like my mother. I never desired a UC because I had the exact support I needed--barely there, more love than expertise (although my LM had 30 years experience! LOL). She almost didn't make it to Connell's birth (got there with 3 minutes to spare) and she said to me afterwards, "You know, I think you needed to know you didn't need me to have a baby." She had 6 of her 8 babies at home UC.

ANyway....we ended up leaving Ohio for SC the following year. I am pregnant with our last (due August 26th--please let it be a girl this time!) and while I have found a midwife (another UC mama as well!) she and I have become friends and it is improbable she will be here for the birth. She is two hours away and we both know that it is time for me to UC. My dh is so laid back--he's like "so we're having a baby alone--what's the big deal!?!?) I do want her here after the birth, if possible. My dh is terrible at laundry! I am a tiny bit worried dh won't make it to the birth (he's a commercial diver--works underwater) and my last labor was 1 1/2 hours. But what shall pass shall pass!

Anyway, just wanted to say hi!!

[oshunmama]

Originally Posted by StacyL

I would recommend reading Lynn Griessemer's book, "Unassisted Homebirth: An Act Of Love." She gives the best examples and reasoning as to why a midwife, or other such visitor damages the bond between you and your husband during a birth and immediatley after.

This is an EXCELLENT book! My midwife friend lent me a copy that I devoured! It really made me want my dh to be the receiver of our gift of love. It really altered my perspective!