Originally Posted by FullCream
Like dotcommama, when I end up yelling and crying (and banging walls or throwing things - usually soft things, but I still shouldn't throw them!), it becomes painfully obvious why DD also yells, screams, cries and is violent. I'm supposed to be an adult, but here I am tantrumming like a two year-old. What has happened to me?
Here is what I've been learning in my Parenting 101 Class based on BECKY'S BAILEY'S work:
WHat happens when people (children or adults) become angry???
2 things: 1) adrenal system kicks in
= (adrenaline) fight or flight response
2) Brain downshifts into LIMBIC system
- and you start giving unconscious responses.
When kids are in their limbic system (tantruming, out of control, screaming, yelling, you know what I mean) YOU CANNOT REASON WITH THEM. THe VERY first thing you need to help them to is calm them down.
Otherwise they won't be responsive to "reason" or natural consequences, or anything.
(I discovered that trying to "teach him" anything during that moment (I don't put him in a Time Out) or reason with him is USELESS!!!! He's not open to it at all.... I'll wait till much later to discuss what happened and he's way more receptive, cooperative and understanding, "Ok, mommy.")
But frankly, the first thing
YOU Need to to is get out of YOUR LIMBIC SYSTEM TOO. (This should answer "what happened to me?")
(Here is a silly little acronoym BB provides to help you do thisTake a deep breath.
Repeat the following to yourself:
1) I am Safe (that's right you are... We get so angry/furious because we feel challenged and afraid of losing control (of our kids) or being talked back to, etc....)
2) I am Calm
3) I can help my child with their problem.
You need to Be a S.T.A.R.
S = Smile (this immediately changes hormone response in your brain)
T = Take (damn, can't read my notes)
A = Take A deep breath
R = Relax
It really helped me to observe the Director of my Preschool talk to my DS. She was always
calm, respectful, in control. (Say my DS was getting upset because we had to leave or someone wasn't sharing the bug case.) Guess what my DS's response was... he began to calm down!!! She would distract him with a story about the bugs or whatever and she REALLY was great.
I found by following these tips (I hope I am articulating them well, if not, I'm sorry) really helped to make me feel better and understand the situation (there is more i don't have time to write now). Now, in the middle of the night, when DS wakes up hysterical, angry and unconsolable, I remain CALM AND CENTERED (and I feel SO MUCH BETTER as a result!!!!) I lost it yesterday (I'm not perfect) but it's getting much better.
Originally Posted by FullCream
Like dotcommama, when I end up yelling and crying (and banging walls or throwing things - usually soft things, but I still shouldn't throw them!), it becomes painfully obvious why DD also yells, screams, cries and is violent.
Yes and no. Yes - children need US to model behavior (calm responses) for them.
No... let's say you never reacted like that (I do - but it's VERY rare - and when I did I always felt like crap
- hence the need for this thread, because everyone feels like crap after they've "lost it.") Your DD will still react that way. WHY? Because she's in her LIMBIC SYSTEM AND kids who do not have the vocabulary to describe what they are feeling, will act it out
. Another way to say this - Can a child name an emotion? IF so then the child can MANAGE it!
But we need to model this for kids!!! It is ESSENTIAL we remain calm.
Kurcinka showed a cool demonstration of mixing vinegar with baking soda???? and how it "bubbled over". She said that kids as young as 19 months will say "bubbling over" and that helps THEM to express how THEY are feeling (reaching out to parent for hugs - help calm me down).
Last night I heard Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
give a great Teacher Talk and explain the following:What happens during Fight or Flight response
- Breathe accerates
- Heart rate and pulse accelerate
Creates neurostatic - they can't problem solve with you. YOU NEED TO BRING THEM BACK DOWN (but you need to bring yourself down from YOUR Limbic response first!)Becky Bailey's Principle # 8: Demands That We Be in Relationship with the Child
Part 1. Cooperation based-interaction. If we are in a relationship with a child, we are far more likey to gain their cooperation. We have a choice. We can either commit to working on our relationship with children and spend some private time with them daily, or we can be too tired, too busy and too distracted, and then be surprised when children do something inappropriate to get our attention.
When we are in a positive, healthy relationship with others, we generally are cooperative, helpful and wiling.
Part 2. How do we get in a positive relationship wiht our children? Research shows we can reduce oppositional behavior by 50% if we simply play with a child for five minutes a day.
(Board game, read a book, any one on one time, I LOVE YOU RITUALS
- tips/ games from her book.)GEM - Genuine Encounter Moments
- Listen without saying anything
- Get down on their level
- Give nonverbal love: touch on back, shoulder or hands
- Emotionally be there with them
- Mirror their expressions
- Avoid always making it a "teaching moment"Principle # 3 Adults are accountable as role models
(dang I can't find her book to quote now)
Principle # 4 Adults Must Maintain (self) Control
Principle # 5 Adults must see the world from the child's point of view.
(There is a reason the kid is acting out... try to get out of your limbic response - after she wailed on you (ouch!) in reaction to something in her environment. Sit down and think about your day. What's going on in your house? How can you make it better?)Part 1. "That kid is out to get me! The child that is "out to get you" is really going a step further. They are out to get you... to feel the way they are feeling.Part 2. Two states of being
- Extending love (child feels rested, safe)
- Calling for love (child does not feel safe, or rested...)Part 3. Does the Child want Information or Understanding?Information ?
Out of Control
Yet how do we offer understanding? We don't. We get caught up in our own LIMBIC RESPONSE (just like them) and melt down along side them. It ain't working!!!!
We don't help them. We don't help ourselves. That is why it is essential for YOU
to calm down first.YELLING
Here is when I lose it.... I used to really lose it in the middle of the night. He'd wake up hysterical, angry, incosolable for and stay that way for 20min -45-1 hour. I was sitting up with him, talking sweetly "honey what's wrong?" Finally, I'd lose it and yell back at him. The look of terror on his face made me want to DIE and immediately REGRET yelling (and realize it wasn't the right response)! I found that that feeling so much worse for me, than any "relief" found in yelling. I feel SO MUCH BETTER when I don't yell and remain calm, focused and centered in myself. I actually feel in control and stronger and just hold him (mommy help calm me down! - he asks to be held) during his meltdown.
Anyway, in the past few weeks, this hasn't been a problem anymore. I'd wait to the day when he was calm and happy to talk about it. I'd explain that the reason he was so upset (in pain) was that he was holding his pee inside and if he just let it out (instead of holding it in for 45 minutes causing his own pain) he'd feel MUCH better and relieved and could go back to sleep. "Ok mommy." And we agreed, "no more yelling in the middle of the night." "Honey, if you need me, just call for me in a normal voice and I WILL COME. "OK mommy." And now he does! And sometimes he wakes up "Did I yell during the night?" Nope... (praise, praise, praise....)
T Now I have another problem... I've created a monster... I started offering "bribes" to do stuff... "if you do this, then I will do that... Guess what, now HE's TELLING ME THAT!!!!
"Giancarlo, get out of the car now."
"No mommy, I'll get out if you do X for me first." UGH!!!!
Ahhh, parenting is such a journey.