Keeping Your Own Anger in Check pt. 2 - Page 11

[aussiemum]

: Thanks for asking how things are going- giving me the warm fuzzies today.... you guys!

Been really busy with uni- had a few reports due, I've got grass seedlings germinating out of my ears that need to be transplanted for this experiment, like yesterday!!, & DH has had a week off work so we've been out & about, taking the kids to the beach, etc. Whew! Even with all that busyness, things haven't been too bad on the home front since my big blow up last week end. I still feel really awful about it, but it did make me think about taking some time to work on my own health- didn't have much choice actually. As I was busy ripping my hair out last Saturday, I also managed to hurt my neck with the yanking- couldn't move it for days, so I went to the chiro. Eight sessions later & I'm feeling much better. There is something restorative about having one person focussed on helping you get better, just you & only you, KWIM? Of course, when I feel better, I'm not as cranky, I'm more patient, & so it goes.......

Still, I have to take it one day at a time, & just try & do the best I can. Uni/work stress is a big factor in all this, I think, but I don't know quite how to escape it, & I have this feeling that if I quit now I'll regret it later. (I've got the most interesting & well-funded PhD project in the world going on right now-IMO ) Just can't walk away from it, yet I'm regretting taking this on before the kids were both in school. Jumped the gun, so to speak.....

And so it goes. I breathe. I count to 50 if I need to. I walk away if I have to. Worst comes to worst, valerian tea makes a nice sedative.....

Rambling now, & I, unfortunately, have to get back to work. Thinking of you all & wishing for patience & perserverance as we all struggle along together. I'm still here, even if I don't check in every day.

[arcenciel]

aussiemum, don't talk about giving it up! I've been starting up a web business and taking it really slowly and at my own pace and even then it sometimes seems like too much for the family. But the thing is, that's the part that's for ME. If I don't do that I think I'll go crazy.For me it's really important to be at home most of the time with my kids, but I'm not a natural sahm so being a wahm is my compromise. One day your kids will be grown and you need to be whole without them. You can't give them a good happy upbringing if you begrudge them the time you spent with them.

Working hard on GD....

[Rainbow]

stepping in...

I've been reading this thread for WAYYY to long now... but it is very useful. Normally I'm cool, but since moving- all the stress- I'm struggling. We moved to simplify, and yet I don't feel "freed". I feel like I have a huge list of things to do, and since we aren't unpacked completely I'm struggling to keep the house child friendly and picked up.

All of that is making me one irritable mommy. I'm going to try positive self talk and some of the other suggestions in this thread. It pains me to see all the gentleness and patience I've invested in my children going to waste because in the two weeks we've been in the new place they've already picked up some bad habits. My 3 yr old new favorite phrase is "Right Now" and I taught it to her At least I didn't yell it, and she isn't saying it to rudely. I've never spoken to her like that before, so I don't know where it came from. I just didn't have it in me to explain why I needed her to get come with me. I'm tired.


It's 4:07 and I'm up because I can't sleep... so maybe that has something to do with it.

ETA- I just finished the first thread and although there was some ideals I strongly disagreed with I found many more great suggestions. Thanks dotcomomma for starting this thread.

I'm ordering the parenting cards now... maybe such inspiration will help me. I've always had a parenting "checklist" on my fridge, I need to get it back up. Actually, now that I am thinking about it I'm thinking about buying some blank business cards and making my own. Or something. Sheesh- should I push the process order button or not? :LOL

One thing heartmama suggested once was putting a photo of yourself at your child's age up so you can relate to your inner child and remember what it was like to be that age. Put it all in perspective for you, you know?

[Fianna]

Aussiemum, your comments about work really resonated with me. I, too, think my work causes the majority of my temper issues with my girls. Usually it's in one of two ways. I'll spend the morning feeding, playing with, paying attention to the girls and I'll think that I have everything set up for a bit of work time for myself, and five minutes into it either the girls are fighting over something, someone *really needs* food, drink, etc. *right now*, or my little one is just determined that I'm not going to be on the computer. Or I'll have something really irritate me that's work related--usually a really annoying student email or a technical glitch--and I'll catch myself being less than patient with one of my girls because of it. I'm working VERY hard to not take out work stresses on my girls, though, and simply being aware of that potential has really helped an amazing amount. I'm also reminding myself every morning when I wake up that my girls come first. Work will still be there. Student emails don't have to be answered immediately, and so on. Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath and remind myself of my priorities. I am SO lucky to be able to be home with my girls and to be able to have a career too. I need to stop taking that for granted.
Also, in three weeks I won't have my oldest child to play with all day. She starts kindergarten and I'm really grieving over that. I have SO loved our unscheduled years together. I love her company and I'm so sad that that carefree phase of her life is coming to an end. I'm literally in tears about it. It just got here too fast!

Rainbow, I'm so glad you joined us. Moving is so hard! It sounds like you really are handling it better than 99% of the population would. And the years of gentleness haven't been wasted. That investment is what will allow you to get through these rough times with no lasting negative effects. It is the norms and consistencies of our parenting that form the foundation for our children, not the occasional hiccups.

I LOVE the idea of putting up a picture of ourselves as children. I think I'll raid my mom's photo albums this weekend.

[dotcommama]

I am so happy this thread is still going and giving support to so many great Moms.

I am still struggling with yelling, but I am getting better. Sometimes I go for weeks without yelling and then somehow slide back into the trap.

Right now I'm adjusting to my oldest ds being out of school for the summer. It is wonderful to have him around, but at first it caused more time for bickering between the two oldest, which can definitely drive my stress level up. Things are evening out now though and the boys seem to be getting along better than ever and we are all enjoying the summer.

I have started an ap-type parenting message board with a friend of mine (just today in fact) and in it I have a whole forum dedicated to Anger Management . So far we're just a few members, but please feel free to join in and post over there if you'd like.

[aussiemum]

Checking in. thanks for the kind words of support, guys. I whinge endlessly about my PhD. Ignore me if it gets to be too much.

Dot, I'm glad to hear your boys are getting along better these days. You had some rough patches there for a while.

Fianna, my oldest went to grade 1 at the beginning of this year. I remember it was so hard to let her go, but she was so ready for it. Mostly she still enjoys school 6 months on. She said she didn't want to go the other day, & I said, well, if you really want I can stay home & teach you here, but you still have to learn things. In 2 seconds flat she decided school was the more appealing option. Which is prolly a good thing, otherwise I really would have to quit Uni.... hmmmm..... maybe I should start talking up this homeschool stuff.... anyway, we're still running fairly steady & smooth today at our house.

[dotcommama]

Originally Posted by aussiemum

Dot, I'm glad to hear your boys are getting along better these days. You had some rough patches there for a while.

Thanks - I'll just : hoping they continue getting along so well!

Originally Posted by aussiemum

Fianna, my oldest went to grade 1 at the beginning of this year. I remember it was so hard to let her go, but she was so ready for it. Mostly she still enjoys school 6 months on. She said she didn't want to go the other day, & I said, well, if you really want I can stay home & teach you here, but you still have to learn things. In 2 seconds flat she decided school was the more appealing option.

:

[Mommy&Will]

I'm jumping in late here, too, but wanted to say "thanks" for this thread.

I have a tendency to cry around here more then yell. But inside I am boiling and very angry with myself, dh, ds, whoever. I cry a lot. I feel its just as destructive as yelling, though. And my "internal dialogue" to myself is so self-defeating. I will practice this and am sure will start feeling better about myself and be able to handle my toddler's overall "nuttiness" better.... Thanks again.

POSITIVE DIALOGUE, JULIE!!!! I'M A STRONG, SWEET, FUN, AND LOVING MAMA. I CAN DO THIS - I AM MY CHILD'S "AMBASSADOR" TO THIS WORLD! SHOW HIM THE WONDER OF IT ALL!



ok. now repeat, repeat, repeat.....

[mamaley]

wow, i'm having issues with anger. i'm so glad i'm not the only one. i mean, i knew i couldn't be the *only* one, but yesterday i behaved in such a way that i felt like a monster. my mom used to be like this too. i HAVE to change. i'm usually so patient, very mellow, but then something happens and i explode once in a while. i hate how i am when i'm like that, but it's hard to stop myself.

is this too much information? just wanted to introduce myself, hope it's not too late to join in.

[Fianna]

Definitely not TMI, mamaley, and definitely not too late to join!

Have a headache this morning, we're supposed to be going camping this afternoon and nothing is packed, and I don't have the energy to do half of what needs to be done. Needless to say, I'm having to really practice my positive inner dialogue this morning.

Off to consume another Goody's powder...

[robugmum]

Ok, gotta ask... what is Goody's Powder???

Just wanted to check in with all of you. We're going to be away for 2 weeks so I don't know whether I'll be able to log in anywhere. Positive thoughts and affirmations from me to all of you!

[Graceoc]

Unfortunatly I am still here - and having a *really* hard time these last few days. My DS has been gone all week with his grandparnets and I have been home with just DD. You would think that would make things easier, but I forgot just how demanding and needy a 2 year old could be one-on-one. She usually just spends her days playing (or fighting LOL!) with DS - and without her 'playmate' around she has been turing to me for the *constant* attention. It is driving me INSANE - and I know just saying that makes me sound like a monster...... :

She is just sooooooo LOUD - I guess I never realized it before. And if there is any one thing that totally pushes my buttons it is LOUD. I know it sounds like a cope out - but seriously, loud noises, whines, loud TV or musice - really anything LOUD or irritating completely sends me over the edge to the point that I don't even realize what I am doing. : And she has been soooo whiny and so LOUD that I just can't take it anymore.

That and the CONSTANT need to be touch me, crawling on me, ect...... I have HAD IT! I just scream LEAVE ME ALONE - DO NOT TOUCH MOMMY! I feel so aweful, because I know she has a *strong* need for physical touch - but I am the exact opposite.....I can't stand to be touched all the time (we have very different 'love languages' if you can't tell!) It made nursing this past year *very* difficult and now that we are weaned it has gotton somwhat better....but not completley. Just the other day she was crawling in my lap and grabbed my nipple through my tank top (no bra) and just pinched it as hard as she could - OUCH!!!! (these are sensitive pgcy nipples we are talking about) I about jumped out of my skin - screamed at her, slapped her hand (I am totally anti-spanking, but it was a major fight/flight reaction and I didn't even realize I did it until it was already done ) and put her in room (a bit too roughly) I was SEETHING...........I just can't find a way to remain calm in these types of situations - LOUD and physically demanding......

I need HELP!!!

[owensmom]

Interesting thread, glad I ran across it... no time to read all 11 (!!) pages right now though... so my apologies if this was covered on pages 2-10... wanted to say that I've used rescue remedy a lot, mostly for boo boo's ds (2.5) can't get over... but today twice he was melting down in a big way, and he said "mama, for Owen medicine". I gave him a little RR and he calmed down. I've also used for myself a tincture of Motherwort, to get through tough times. I haven't used it since he was an infant, but I think I should be using it now!!! My midwife suggested it to me, here is a bit I found on the web about it... "The ancient Greeks used motherwort to relieve anxiety in new mothers. Early herbals recommend the plant for 'wykked sperytis'. Culpeper said, 'There is no better herb to drive melancholy vapours from the heart, to strengthen it and make the mind cheerful, blithe and merry".

[aussiemum]

Fianna, we are leading parallel lives- we just went camping this weekend as well! Had a great time, took the kids to their first outdoor concert, played in some lovely rainforest creeks. All in all it went well, no major tensions or fights. THis morning, however, once again, a little . I overslept. I had too many things on my agenda this morning. (DS has been waking me up for the last three nights, & last night I stayed awake & fretted. ) Really, I think this grumpiness is due to my agenda.... okay, & my kids are pretty energetic......

Hi Mamaley. : Welcome to the thread. Graceoc, sorry to hear things are still tough at your house.... . I, too, have smacked out of a pain reaction. It's almost like an instinct, even tho it still feels bad when you do it. A surprise pregnancy can really throw you out of sorts too- how far along are you (sorry can't see sig lines right now!)? Ah geez, yeah, gotta love those pregnancy hormones..... or not, some days.....

Still working on that positive inner dialogue..... this one is taking a lot of work.....

[dotcommama]

Still working on that positive inner dialogue..... this one is taking a lot of work.....

<sigh> me too. . .me too. . .

[Fianna]

Aussiemum, glad to hear that your camping trip went well. Mine was not a wonderful experience, unfortunately. I won't get into all of the boring details but on a scale of 1 - 10, this trip was about a 3. We are going back this weekend, though, so I'm trying to get over this last trip so I'm not dreading the next. I had SUCH a hard time with my parenting. I kept hearing myself saying things that made me ill. At one point we were hiking and I was talking to myself outloud, "Positive inner dialogue, you will have a positive attitude, you will say nice things, you won't fuss about unimportant issues, you will have fun..." Dh thought I was losing it! Not that he handled the weekend much better.

Robugmum, Goody's are powder analgesics, basically aspirin and caffeine. I get frequent headaches and often this is the only medication that will touch them.

Graceoc, so sorry to hear that life is still being challenging. I've been through those "just don't frickin' touch me!" phases. I had one not so long ago where I just didn't want to nurse my toddler anymore and of course she wanted to nurse all the time. I finally just talked myself down from the proverbial cliff and didn't fight the constant need to be held and nurse. Once I wasn't being resentful (at least obviously so) and stopped trying to get her to leave me alone, her need to be on me all the time lessened.

[aussiemum]

Ah Fianna..... Yeah, I've had some shocker camping trips as well.

my most overused phrase in my own head.... some days are better than others. I repeat this like a mantra if I have to. That & 'tomorrow is another day' (I've read Gone with the Wind way too many times. I liked Scarlett. : ) And yes, I do talk out loud to myself!! 'I WILL be a nice person. I WILL control my temper. I WILL have a good time.' **snort*** you know, I have to laugh. I usually say stuff like that thru clenched teeth. Crikey.

You know folks, it is about not sweating the little stuff, isn't it??? It's about not worrying if everything isn't perfect. Lateral thinking here..... how many of us would put our hands up to say we are perfectionists? If you don't count the way my house looks (it's a pit, despite my best & continuous efforts!!).... yes, I'd have to say I have issues with perfection......

[littlest birds]

hi there I just found this thread and it is a big help just reading it. Have terrible days sometimes and just have to renew that hope and that vision over and over again as one looks at oneself unhappily.

I homeschool too and I have such a hard time feeling comfortable... sometimes it is so good but sometimes I think my kids need to be with nicer, more patient people. We have homeschooled several years--and the time of babies and multiple toddlers is now behind us so in these ways things seem to be smoothing out somewhat. This responsibility is hard, and it's so important to succeed I do somehow renew my hope and motivation. Can you be a bad parent and homeschool anyway? j/k

I remember one poster wrote about the house being messy and how this made anger rise up, like one more little thing pushing you over the edge. And my dh cannot understand this he can hardly even SEE the mess it seems! It is like the visual chaos of my space creates a mental/emotional chaos factor inside me and I try to clean and then it makes me furious when others just ignore it when they drop everything on the floor as they finish with it when they just pile more projects on top of the old projects on the art table. Argh.

It seemed like a cool idea that when I felt such heavy frustration buildup to direct a release yell "at the universe" like howling or something instead of at other people. It's better than being mean anyhow. What do you think?

I actually cannot imagine not yelling at all. We live in a big house and my kids go different directions all at once and even simple instructions like don't put the puppies in the baby swing seem to require yelling if I'm in the middle of cooking dinner. I end up raising my voice a lot anyway and like another poster seem to lose the line when this is fueled by too much anger and not okay.

Ds is so hard to communicate with he pretendss you're not even talking to him and he gets completely focused on whatever he's doing in his own little world--for a while he would wet his pants because he refused to admit to himself he couldn't hold it in forever. He would do his "peepee dance" and jump up and down but he would not go to the bathroom. We would remind him to potty and he would just keep bouncing and ignore us. We'd tell him over and over and over, trying to help him pay attention to himself. He'd completely tune us out. If he had an accident he would then completely ignore it. Then if you tell him to change his wet pants he'll go after repeated requests and then lay on the floor, play with some toys and return still wearing the wet pants. I often find ways to keep it positive but ds is like this all the time even telling him it's time to come inside I have to say it so many times and he really has trouble processing my requests. And it is so high-maintenance to physically walk him through every little task. Poor kid get lost on the way to wash his hands for dinner. This child is extra hard to deal calmly with.

Dh is so wonderful but does not understand why things he doesn't even notice "have to" bother me (when I am already at the end of my rope). He also "cannot think of what to say" when I am over the edge so he doesn't give any real support. Sometimes I get angry because he is so passive, even though his gentle tolerant personality is so much of what I love about him.

There's a little bit of background even if I haven't confessed some of the worst things I've yelled which are terrible. Perfectionist, yes, and maybe another aspect of being perfectionist is being hypersensitive to things--"little things"--I know this word describes me too and sometimes I just feel invaded by everyone and everything around me.

Well, anyway, I hope you don't mind me dropping in here it is such a relief to find so much support and common ground with folks at MDC.

[Autumnschild]

Practicing gentle discipline is really about self-discipline!

I used to be a yeller, a thrower of objects (including a sewing machine, which is the last thing I ever threw), and a person who generally displayed my anger in some obvious way. However, since the sewing machine incident (there was tequila involved), I have resolved to control my anger from then on. I've done well, until lately...about the time my DD reached the age of 2!

I spent the second half of her first year pregnant, and toward the end of my pregnancy, I had a general intolerance of anything, and began slipping up and yelling at my DD. I noticed a drastic change in her behavior around this time, as though we were feeding off eachother's negative energy. So I mustered up a world of patience and both our attitudes improved.

Well, now the new baby is 3 weeks old and my oldest decided to stop taking naps and to push her luck with me in general, and I am about to have a meltdown myself. I've been doing so good, but I need an outlet! All of this repression is transforming my anger into tears, and my 2 year old has to be the momma and comfort me when I'm so mad all I can do is cry. I want to break something...I know I won't, but I really need a way to deal with my anger in a healthy way! Crying just makes my face all puffy!

Sheri - mother of Sophia (2 years) and Claire (3 weeks)

[aussiemum]

Oh, I don't know, Sheri. Crying can be a great release, even if it does make you look a little funny at the end. I went thru a long period where I couldn't cry, & I don't think that was very healthy at all, KWIM?

I'm glad so many people are still getting something out of this thread- me included. I too, find that my big house means that it's very easy for the kids to walk off & pretend that they haven't heard me.... I do find I yell just to be heard, & if I'm at a crucial point with dinner, there's no way I want to stop cooking, turn off the stove, walk to the end of the house, find the kids (usually easy 'cuz someone's screaming), sit down, look them in the eye (taking 5 minutes at least to just get them to look at me & stop screaming), & calmly & rationally discuss the problem for the next 15 minutes. If I did that every time, we'd never eat anything but sandwiches....