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Keeping Your Own Anger in Check pt. 2 - Page 12

post #221 of 335
Sheri, I agree with Aussiemum. Crying can be very theraputic. I, too, went through a phase where I couldn't cry because I had shut down so much. Believe me, crying is a much healthier approach to life. I used to have the Dr. Sears quote on my refrigerator about how it isn't our jobs to keep our babies from crying, it's to be there for them when they do. I think crying is important for all people. I can't stand to hear people telling their kids to stop crying. It's an important release for us all. I think your crying is a teachable moment for your children. As long as they are being reassured that it isn't their fault that mommy is crying then I think it's a much better option than yelling.

The cooking dinner issues seem to be a common theme around here! That is a hard time. And it's probably why I rarely cook a complicated meal. If it isn't fast and simple, I'll end up regretting that I started it.

I'm having a hard week mainly because I haven't had a real break from my girls, from work, from housework in awhile. Dh used to take the girls swimming and then out to eat several days a week. I SO valued those times to myself. Even if I was working the entire time they were gone, which was often the case, I was still alone. I'm one of those people who really needs to be alone to recharge. And I'm not recharging lately!

"This too shall pass..."
post #222 of 335
Well, now the new baby is 3 weeks old and my oldest decided to stop taking naps and to push her luck with me in general, and I am about to have a meltdown myself. I've been doing so good, but I need an outlet! All of this repression is transforming my anger into tears, and my 2 year old has to be the momma and comfort me when I'm so mad all I can do is cry. I want to break something...I know I won't, but I really need a way to deal with my anger in a healthy way! Crying just makes my face all puffy!
((((((Sheri)))))) My two are 23 months apart and I went through *very much* the same thing the first few months of DD's life. I didn't think I was ever going to get through and I felt like such a terrible mom to my 2 year old - and even worse for brining a new baby to such a wreck of a mom. My DS also stopped napping within those first weeks of DD's life and it about put me over the edge. (((((((hugs))))))) I wish I had some good anger outlets to share - but the best I can do it close myself in the bathroom and scream my head off while the baby cries and the older one pounds on the door
post #223 of 335
Hope I'm not intruding but I need some advice

DD just turned 2, and she is a hitter....but mostly only me. I can pinpoint it most of the time, late afternoon or having to stop doing something she wants, I understand her frustration completely especially because she isn't able to say "I'm mad, I don't want to stop doing_____". So because I'm generally the one setting the limit, I am the target.

A few weeks ago we were at the pool, and it was after five, time to head home and do dinner. I told her it was time to leave, she of course said no. So I told her that we would stay 5 more minutes (I know she has no concept of time) so I set the timer on my watch and told her when it beeps its time to go. So it beeps and I explain again its time to ago. Of course again its "NO" so I told her that if she didn't want to walk out of the pool I was going to carry her, she went limp, I picked her up, explaining actions the whole time and her came the tantrum. full blown screaming, arching and then the hitting. I actually had to leglock her to attempt to dry her off and get my shoes on. As I picked her up she smacked me in the face and I lost it. I just screamed at her in public and with full rage. I have raised my voice very little, but this just did it, I was so sick of fighting her everytime we went out in public. But I scared her, and I felt soooooo bad that the 8 minute ride home we were both screaming and crying.

After that I did some soul searching, I'm tired of fighting, I know this is typical toddler behavior but GEEZ! And as I modified my behavior the hitting diminished. But now its starting up again, tonight she accidently hit me in the face with a toy and I almost started to yell because I had already asked her numerous times to please be careful, that it hurts when you hit even on accident. But I just took the toy away explaining that she had hurt me and I didn't want her to hurt anyone else. And of course, here came the hitting and tantrum. I try so hard to keep my anger in check, I can feel my anger on the inside, but I'm afraid we're going to have another blow up soon!

Sorry this is so long, I really needed to vent this out and look for some advice
post #224 of 335
Wow am I glad I found this thread! I'm going to go back and read more tomorrow but I feel the need to *confess*.

Where to start.... I have a 9 month old DS. The best little baby (but I'm not biased at all ). Lately he's been pushing me to the edge. Mostly at bedtime. He's discovered he can crawl and climb all over me and the bed instead of going to sleep. I ended up screaming at him once because he was trying to climb over the edge of the bed for the upteeth time and wouldn't listen to me calmly saying no and taking him down. So I screamed *no* and scared him The past couple days I decided I just can't do it anymore. So I switched bedtime completely. We now nurse in the rocking chair until he falls asleep. So far it's been great- yesterday it took 40 minutes and today 30. Much better than the 1-2 hours before which often included me getting close to the edge of yelling and often ended up with me driving him around in the car to get him to sleep because I couldn't take the whining and crawling anymore.

The real problem where my anger comes in is actually not with my children. It's with my younger sisters. There is an 8 year old who can be a sweet girl or she can be a monster. She has gotten to lying about everything, even things that she has no reason to lie about and things that we can easily prove she's lying about. She is a disobedient little booger. She is constantly doing things I ask her not to because it will hurt my DS. She does it anyway and then insists it wasn't her (even if I did see her do it). Today she ran me over with a toy shopping cart because I asked her to turn it upright because my DS was going to knock it over when it was on it's side and get hurt. She refused so I picked up DS to leave the room. She followed ramming me in the legs with the cart. I calmly told her that was rude and told her to go to her room. She didn't listen and threw a tantrum. I lost it and screamed that I would have to put her in there myself if she didn't move it. (adding so people aren't confused.... I watch her during the day after mom goes to work and before dad can pick her up, about 2-3 hours. So I was in charge then and not just disciplining her for no reason )

My other younger sister will be 2 on Monday. I watch her Mon-Fri 8-5. She really is a great kid. I don't have many complaints about her, except when you get her and my DS together (which they are all day mon-fri while I'm watching them). She's in the *mine* phase which, when paired with my DS recently learning how to crawl, leads to a lot of fighting over toys. I usually do fine though, anger wise, with them.

But added all up leads to one very stressed out and tired mama. Add to that I'm a single mama so noone to hand DS to when I need a break. I'm really trying to keep my anger in check. I think I'm doing good with my DS and with the 2 year old. It's the 8 year old I'm having trouble with. She's basically been allowed to do anything she wants to and is very spoiled. If things don't go her way the tears flow and she's yelling and throwing things.

Wow, that was theraputic (sp?) to get that all out! Anyway, any tips on handling the 8 year old would be greatly appreciated!
post #225 of 335
Thanks for posting this!!! (and the last one too)

I'm still wading through them all, but it's good to know that if nothing else I'm in good company!

Both my husband and I have short tempers and we both believe it's due to low-self-esteem on our parts. That and perfectionism in our OWN lives. Since we hold ourselves to these impossibly high standards and pick on ourselves when we fail, that frustration spills over.

We started the trek into gentle discipline a year and half ago and are still progressing. It's slow though! Both of us came from households where aggression was used (spanking, yelling, belittling, etc) and that is a very hard education to replace.

Keep the tips coming!
post #226 of 335
I'm so glad to have found this thread today! We had a terrible day and I yelled at dd...a few times. I'm trying so hard to control my temper but she is just so 2! It doesn't help that we are both just getting over a cold so we're both tired and cranky right now. She's about a day ahead of me with this cold thing, so today she was up and running and into absolutely everything. She's a very physical child and physical abuse is something I have a hard time with. She threw her sippy cup at me (she was angry that I didn't get up to get her more water right that very minute) and hit me in the face with it. I was able to control myself and told her that it hurt (I did yell "ow" but that was reflex lol). She said she was sorry and kissed me, but 2 minute later kicked me in the head. She was like this ALL day and by the end of it, I was in tears and she was in time out for the millionth time it seemed. She normally does respond well to time outs as she can't stand to have to sit anywhere but today she really didn't seem to care, which made me more angry. *sigh* Sometimes I just can't seem to figure it out. I'm trying though!

post #227 of 335
Wow - this thread just keeping going and going (and I mean that in a good way)

When I first started this thread I feared I'd be flamed for being the only angry, grumpy, yelling mom out there. It feels good to know that #1: I'm not alone and #2: We can all work on this together.

hockeymama - not intruding at all. I totally understand where you are coming from. We had issues for a long while with my 4 year old hitting and hurting me and the baby and it was the thing that made me the most angry. And yet I knew logically that the more agressively angry I became the worse example I was being to my child.

All I can say is keep working on the positive inner dialogue. I used to chant, "I love you, I love you, I love you" to myself when my ds was being hurtful. It just kept me focused and calm to remember that no how awful he was being I loved this little boy.

I want to write more, but my boys need me!
post #228 of 335
I just finished reading an article in the August issue of Better Homes & Gardens called "Nothing to Shout About". Thought I'd share some poignant quotes:

Today, there's an entire generation of parents who grew up in an era of school paddlings, trips to the woodshed, and learning to flinch any time Dad removed his belt.This generation has sworn they wouldn't hit their kids. The problem is, the same anger and frustration that fueled the old model of corporal punishment didn't magically vanish merely because a generation of well-meaning parents wanted it to

According to a 2003 study by Straus published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, 74% of parents surveyed reported yelling or screaming at their kids. And not just once or twice. Most yelled or screamed at their children at least 25 times during the past year.
The article discusses the importance of recognizing a child's developmental ability, the importance of not shouting personally harmful phrases that attack a child's self-esteem, and it also gives strategies on how to break the yelling cycle. This is one of those articles I'll be leaving out where I can see it often!
post #229 of 335
All I can say is keep working on the positive inner dialogue. I used to chant, "I love you, I love you, I love you" to myself when my ds was being hurtful. It just kept me focused and calm to remember that no how awful he was being I loved this little boy.

It's funny that you mention this. Yesterday when DD was pushing all my buttons and getting me so incredibly angry, I found myself telling her that I loved her more than usual. About half way through the day I realized that I wasn't telling her so that she'd know, I was saying it to remind myself!

post #230 of 335
Hi there. I'm new around here. I have a temper and have kept it in check for a long time . My son's first year of life was pure bliss. Then he turned one and the frustration began on both of our parts. I haven't completely lost it with him. I haven't screamed at him or anything but I really feel that my ability to channel my anger has taught him how to channel it, too. I think I'm rambling, but stick with me here. I can either keep a lid on it of I blow up. The thing that he does that drives me insane is hitting, pinching, or pulling my hair. My first reaction was to squeeze his hand and say "No, let go!" in a stern voice. Well, I think that my reaction showed him that when you are angry you should do something physical. My son is 18-months now. He is not an aggressive kid at all but will be physical when angry. I know it is normal. I just don't know how to handle things at this age. Do I let it slide? I feel that I will do better when he can reason a little. I just fear that I am going to teach him the wrong way to deal with anger.

aidan's mama (1-17-03)
post #231 of 335
Hi kinda crunchy & everybody. Yes, it is so nice to not feel like the only yeller at MDC, & to know that others are working on it too. This thread has been a great help to me, altho goodness knows I still have bad days. Really bad days, but not today, so.....

Re: 18 mo. olds & hitting. When I was being calm & rational with my kids at that age (they're now 6 & almost 4), I would repeat endlessly "Ouch! Hitting hurts. I don't like being hit" On less rational days, of course, I'd get angry & maybe send them to their rooms. Not such a good idea, IMO, 'cuz then you lose the opportunity to talk about why we don't hit, etc. etc. ALtho, sometimes sending to them to their room also works (with older children, anyway).... ah, that's a complicated one, not as B & W as I'm making it sound.... hmmmmm...... have to think on that one......

Another thing I do, sometimes, if I'm feeling really cranky at home, is that I try & deal with the situation as if I were in a public place (I tend to be a lot more calm if I'm on display, KWIM?). So, I pretend that someone is watching how I interact with my children, & that does help.
post #232 of 335
hi, all,
i'm loving this thread.

i come from a single-parent birck-wall home, and am an only child. lots of expectations for perfection and put-downs and belittling whenever i didn't measure up (which felt like it was a LOT) and hitting, too when she was really mad.

i get very frustrated with my 2.5 yr old dd, who truly is a wonderful child. i have found myself taking her roughly by the arm on a couple of occasions, or speaking to her in a nasty tone of voice. i do not do these things often, but any times at all are too many for me.

to make matters worse, my mother is here visiting, which always raises my stress level. we both feel like we're walking on egg-shells. i just don't like her very much, but my dd loves her.

my bigger problem is controlling my anger and frustration when my mother is around. i find her to be very irritating and hate many things she says to dd, "you're the best girl around", 'good girl', 'you're the smartest girl in town...' and i worry that these comments will make dd feel she NEEDS to meet those oh-so-high expectations.

guess i'm rambling.

i need to try the positive inner dialogue. thanks for all the insight and sharing so far!

we're all in this together (sort of)
post #233 of 335

Wow, I need this thread. Hope you don't mind me jumping aboard.
post #234 of 335
Jump right in, Tamera! Any specific issues you are dealing with right now?
post #235 of 335
I've been getting frustrated with my 7yo ds...I just started a post about it...but it's not going very well. I've been keeping my anger in check though..but it's tough. That's why I'm happy I found this thread
post #236 of 335
well, the positive self talk helped today. dd is 30 months old. i am 30 months pregnant and still nursing dd. at times i feel very touched out and frustrated. we have had a very busy long weekend, and we all are tired, and dd is fighting her naps and wanting to nurse more (my breasts are sore).

anyway, that was background. dd was clinging and saying, 'i want to nurse, mama' in a whiney voice. i just wanted her to nap, but she was fighting it, even with nursing. this is what i kept running through my head.....

i love you. i love me. i become a better parent every day. (over and over and over). i am sure it helped decrease my body tension, which likely helped her to fall asleep. we both napped for over an hour

i've got to keep checking in here, i think it's very therapeutic. thanks, all.

post #237 of 335
Originally Posted by Proudly AP
well, the positive self talk helped today. dd is 30 months old. i am 30 months pregnant and still nursing dd.
:LOL Well, if I were 30 months pregnant I'd be in a pretty foul mood too!

Hope you don't mind a bit of good natured ribbing. Your post gave me a much needed MDC giggle for the day, so thank you!!

That positive inner dialogue truly works wonders when used regularly. It's just so darn hard to remember to use it sometimes! I imagine that hour-long nap was absolutely wonderful! I used to love napping with my older dd when I was pregnant.

We've had a challenging week around here because my 5-yr-old starts kindergarten tomorrow and she has been holding the entire family as emotional hostages. She's so darn stressed out that she's had these amazing mood swings that are SO hard to deal with. We go in an hour to meet her teacher, so I'm truly hoping that things will calm down tremendously once we've done that (where's a fingers crossed smilie when you need one?).
post #238 of 335
Checking in here.

I'm so glad the positive dialog idea is working so well for so many.

I had a terrible weeks last week, including my middle child falling off the couch and smashing his mouth and gums wide open, and then two days later the same child rode his bike into the baby outside causing the baby to fall and cut his head open so bad I had to take him in for stiches.

So I yelled frequently. <sigh>

But I told myself today was the start of a new week and I was going to do better (and somehow keep the kids for hurting themselves or each other!).

Today was wonderful. We had to go to the grocery store and they were well behaved - that never happens and then we had friends over and they all played wonderfully together.

I hope my week continues on this positive note!
post #239 of 335
LOL fianna! glad you caught that. it made me laugh when i read your reply! yup, 30 months would really be something else!
post #240 of 335
I had a terrible weeks last week, including my middle child falling off the couch and smashing his mouth and gums wide open, and then two days later the same child rode his bike into the baby outside causing the baby to fall and cut his head open so bad I had to take him in for stiches.
OMG, dotcommama, what a week! where's that head-shaking smilie when ya need it.....

Here's to a new week!

Up & down as usual here at our house. SOme days good, others not so good. DD won some races at school today, so she was pretty pleased with herself & in a good mood tonight. That was nice. I chucked a wobbly at DH today, which made things a bit tense (been a long couple of days at uni **sigh**), but he took the kids & the dog for a walk after work & I was much calmer when everyone got home.

Well, that's my latest report, from the other side of the world. With a welcome to the new subscribers.
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