Keeping Your Own Anger in Check pt. 2 - Page 13

[bobica]

Hey mamas! I've been working soooo hard on keeping my cool & not yelling. Oi! I'm in the middle of "Why can't i be the parent I want to be?" & besides being a little, oh, i don't know, maybe condescending, it's very good. I know that raising my dd is the most important thing i'll do in my life & i want to do it well, so there's my motivation.

Also, i finally called my dr. about how stressed out & anxious i've been & i'm trying a trial of meds. I have to say, it's helping immensely & it's less than a week! I had been doing a lot of homeopathic stuff (boiron's, yogi kava tea, etc.) & trying to do more yoga too. But, i needed a much stronger kick in the butt! I'm hoping for short term meds & then continuing with the homeopathic, yoga, incense route

I don't post here a lot (i get swallowed up in diapers :LOL ) but i really really really appreciate this thread in particular! it's very comforting to have you all here :

[dotcommama]

Originally Posted by aussiemum

I chucked a wobbly at DH today

I think I need a translator for that one

Thank God this week has been so much better, at least no one's bleeding - lol. Monday was amazing. I took all three kids to the grocery store and they only had small carts, so my two older children had to walk (which is usually a huge nightmare), but they were wonderful. I couldn't believe it! If only all my days went so smoothly.

Anyway, I love that this thread just keeps going and giving support. It really makes me happy. I rarely hang out at MDC anymore, but I can't help but do a weekly check in with this thread, since it's near and dear to my heart. If any of you want to pop in my new "home" (it's nice and small) you're welcome to join in the conversations over at The Conscious Parent

[Overproducktion]

Ugh, I had a hard day at the store today. My youngest ds--who is 3 through tantrum after tantrum.

But, I should I have picked up on his mood before we left...he gave me plenty of warning that this was going to happen.

Then Mila, who dislikes being in her carseat screamed the whole way home.

I only got 2 hours of sleep last night, and if I get off of work by 4AM, I should get 3 more hours before this all starts again.....

Well, maybe Mila and Hunter will take naps, and the oldest 2 will color, and I can take a nap!! Doubtful, but I can try. I can't be grumpy if I am sleeping

[aussiemum]

Quote:
Originally Posted by aussiemum
I chucked a wobbly at DH today


I think I need a translator for that one

:LOL Yeah, jeez, sorry... how to translate???

um.....got a bit snarky/nasty/bitchy/making unfair comments.....

got it! chucked a wobbly = threw a fit

Still some ups, still some downs..... had unexpected visitors today, which kinda threw my whole day off.... i always have such grand plans for what i will accomplish in a day, & have to work hard at not getting frustrated when it all doesn't go to the clock. It never does.

But the kiddos had friends around for a playdate today- went really well (with a dear friend's kids who I will be babysitting one afternoon a week). We've known them since babies/birth, so they're more like family.... it's a wonderful thing to have friends like these if you don't have family living nearby &/or who you are close to.

Oh & dot...... you sure you want me to come visit the new boards?- I see there's a politics section.......

[dotcommama]

Originally Posted by aussiemum

chucked a wobbly = threw a fit

Ah! I figured it was akin to "pitched a fit," but then I wondering if there was such a thing as a wobbly and you really did throw it at your dh - lol

Originally Posted by aussiemum

Oh & dot...... you sure you want me to come visit the new boards?- I see there's a politics section.......

Yours is one of the voices I miss most not being around here much, so please do join in the conversation over there! Our politics section could use a bit of livening up -

[aussiemum]

Ah! I figured it was akin to "pitched a fit," but then I wondering if there was such a thing as a wobbly and you really did throw it at your dh - lol

:LOL

I'll think about it,dot, I'll think about it....DH might divorce me if i spend anymore time on line......just kidding

I'm logging off now, my one of my fave TV(!) progs is on now (The Glass house) & i really should go to bed sometime tonight. The weekend is upon me......

[kindacrunchy]

"Still some ups, still some downs..... had unexpected visitors today, which kinda threw my whole day off.... i always have such grand plans for what i will accomplish in a day, & have to work hard at not getting frustrated when it all doesn't go to the clock. It never does. "

I hear you on that. I have this whole idea in my head of all the chores and errands that need to get done and if the day doesn't go accordingly, i'm a total hag. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one

[tricia80]

Hi ladies

I'm venturing out of my usual forum areas and found this thread... and was amazed.. i thought i was the only one who yells... i try not to but when i lose it i lose it.. and it makes me feel soo bad and i end up crying and apologizing to dd...

today was not soo good to start off with... we had a gas leak and i had a huge headache and she started to cry over nothing making my head hurt even more.. and wasnt listening so when i yelled at her to stop she jus got louder and i nearly lost it... didnt even know why i was soo upset... it could of been from the gas.. and as usual felt guilty, apologized etc...

its been hectic.. and alot of stress but i have cut down on my yelling.. so i was extremely hard on myself for blowing up over nothing...

but anyways... im done rambling... and i shall be watching this thread.. and making my way through the old thread... there is alot of pages... :LOL

[TiredX2]

bump

thanks for the suggestion mommas.

should a new thread be started (this one is pretty intimidating w/its zillions of posts!)?

[Fianna]

OK, I just wanted to check in here and share some positive news with the moms I've shared pages and pages of anger issues with on these two "anger" threads!

Even though in some ways my life has become even more stressful than before (older dd started public school kindergarten and my marriage is at a very low point) I have reached a pretty good place in my parenting right now. One good side of public school is that I get up and going early in the a.m. I have a regular schedule where I drop dd #1 off at school and then come home, get dd#2 fed and occupied in some activity and I get 45 minutes of yoga. I have made a concerted effort to improve my eating habits as well, and after two weeks of yoga, good food, and a fairly regular schedule, I have gone down a dress size, have been more productive during the day (which is REALLY good considering I have 3 "part-time" jobs in addition to full-time mothering), and I have been such a more patient mother! I have been more sympathetic, more in-the-moment, less quick to anger. And I know most of it is because I feel empowered. I am making positive changes in my life that are making me feel good about myself and my future. What a great feeling!

Life isn't perfect and neither is my mothering. I have flown off the handle. I have said things I had to apologize for. But overall, things are better. I'm still using a lot of the suggestions from this list and think of this thread daily. Hang in there, Mamas! If I can make a positive change, ANYONE can!

[Graceoc]

Fianna - That is SOOOO wonderful! It sounds like in the mist of some difficult things you are really coming into your own and it is working to your advantage. I can totally see myself needing to make some of the same types of changes.....GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

[Bearsmama]

Hi Ladies,
I've kept up with this thread, although I've only managed to post a few times. I appreciate everyone's honesty. It's been really, really helpful to me.

Tonight I just need some support. We have a new baby (not even three weeks old) and a 2.7 yo. Needless to say, the transition has been difficult. The baby is a breeze, really, it's our older son who is giving us a run for our money.

DS#1 has been doing a lot of hurting/hitting/throwing. He is also oftentimes rough with the baby or licks the baby and is generally a little rambunctious around him.

Well, I guess tonight it all caught up with me b/c I yelled at DS with such force that I almost lost my voice. I think that I've only ever yelled like this one other time (and that had to do with physical pain, too). Tonight after a cry fest over not being able to read another book b/c it was getting too late, he asked for me to hold him. And when I layed down with him he squeezed me really, really tight and did what DH and I call, "steamrolling" and headbutting into my body. It was clear that he was angry with me and was trying to show me. But he was hurting me. I feel like I channelled Satan b/c my voice gurgled and I just lost it. I said about 5 times, "Do you understand that you're freakin' hurting me???"
He was very scared.

Needless to say, I apologized and held him while he fell asleep (as usual). I asked him to tell me how it felt to have mommy yell like that, and then I apologized again.

I keep reminding myself of what a therapist friend told me once. That kids don't need you to be perfect. They need you to give them love and to be accountable. I hope I was accountable tonight.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I needed somewhere to "confess" other than to my DH (who, of course, heard the whole thing and would have normally stepped in sooner, but was holding the baby). I have been sobbing for the past 20 minutes. I hate, hate, hate yelling. I was yelled at as a kid, and I know how it feels. It sucks. Just sucks.

Thanks for your support and this thread.

[Fianna]

Oh, Bearsmama, I'm so sorry! What an emotionally wrenching evening you all have had! I hope you'll have a cup of warm tea and get some sleep.

You are in a very tough situation with a toddler and a new baby. You recognized your son's needs/desires but also had to deal with your own feelings. You have to be exhausted on many levels and you aren't perfect. You did the best you could. So you lost it--physical pain always makes me lose it too--but you recovered, apologized, acknowledged your son's feelings, and held him. You did a good job! So many moms would have sent him to his room or said harmful, hurtful things to him. But you didn't.

Cut yourself some slack, mama.

[TiredX2]

Bearsmomma My kids are 31 months apart and I have *sooo* BTDT!

I keep reminding myself of what a therapist friend told me once. That kids don't need you to be perfect. They need you to give them love and to be accountable. I hope I was accountable tonight.

THank you for sharing that. What a great concept. I can't always (and don't always) want to be consistent. I can't always keep my temper (though I am getting better). But I can always love my kids and be accountable. I can appologize and I can strive to do better and be better. Honestly, that touched my soul

[nuggetsmom]

Is it too late to jump in? I am really having a problem keeping my anger in check since I am feeling overwhelmed with two kids now and DD1 being 3 and testing testing testing. She never listens or just does what I say so it gets to be a chellenge. I admit I am addicted to the yelling because it gets results in the short run.
I will catch up with the thread but now I am going to bed.

[Bearsmama]

Fianna-Thanks so much for the support and your kind words... It's amazing what sharing with other mamas does for your soul. Today is a new day. I had a good cry with DH, and he rubbed my back. I sort of fell into bed and thought, tomorrow is another day...

I am trying to stay in the moment with my children right now. It is overwhelming to think of the challenges of the coming months with a 2.7 yo and a newborn, but I find if I can just focus on today. On getting thru today, and yes, sometimes even enjoying today, I've been doing much better.

It's just so hard to see your relationship change with your older child. To be at once heartbroken and pissed off at the same child!What conflicting feelings!

Tired-Glad my words (or my friend's words) could be of some comfort and help to you. So glad that you found it touching. I remind myself of this often. I've wondered if other mamas have a mantra or other words that they remember on the rough days??

Hang in there, Nuggetsmom.

[flitterby]

yelling, compassion, action, and a book

Responding to all the women who have honestly shared themselves with everyone about dealing with yelling and anger. Over time I have gotten better at not yelling at my husband and 22 month old daughter. I am 8 months pregnant now and that has also put the emotions up a notch. What I think is helping me now is a few things: 1) deep breaths 2) being objective and thinking of what action can I do to deal with this situation: do I need to tell my dd to go in the other room and finish crying? Do I need to take a walk? Do I need to stop talking to my husband and process a minute before going on? 3) Compassion for the other person. What are they feeling. If I can not react on my feelings and rise above them, I can get through the situation with more logic and peace and even if the other person is upset I won't be and they most likely will get to a better place. Also I have skimmed through a book at the book store that looked interesting called "Raising your spirited child". From what I read finding what the child needs will help. Maybe they need to go the park and play for an hour and then come home and their toys will look interesting again. Anyway, thanks for all the sharing, I feel better from relating. Hope you can to. Peace

[dotcommama]

I posted this on TCP a few weeks ago, but I thought I'd post it here also as an update:

This summer has been so difficult. I have been watching my parenting ideals disintegrate. I see my husband and I yelling more and more and the children behaving worse and worse.

Last night I sat down with my husband and we talked for hours through a lot of tears. We both admitted that we were not being the parents we wanted to be anymore and that we had to change.

So we sat down and made a list of the things that we need to change:

#1: Stop yelling!

#2: Stop the sarcasm and name calling (we've been slipping into saying things like, "You're acting like a brat!" and that's not okay!)

#3: Be more gentle. We do not hit the kids, but we haven't been gentle lately either - yelling and dragging a kicking and screaming child into time out is not gentle!

Then we sat down and came up with four issues that we needed to change with the children.

#1: Issues of sibling rivalry. This is mostly between Drew and Jay. Jay cries if Drew is on my lap. Drew hits and hurts the baby. (We decided immediate time out for Drew when he hurts the baby and that we were going to work on trying to get Jay to accept my cuddling Drew more often).

#2: Fighting between Trevor and Drew. (We're going to try some of the "Kids are Worth It" (a book by Barbara Coloroso) techniques )

#3: Backtalk from Trevor. (We're going to gently remind him the first time how to speak to us. For example, "Trevor I do not like your tone of voice. When you are ready to speak nicely I will listen." Then we're going to ignore the attitude until he's ready to communicate gently. This is going to be hard, but I think he's going to learn more by us modeling the way we want him to talk to us then he's learning by us getting nasty and yelling back - kwim?)

#4: Wild Play. This is a hard one to handle because we both understand that it's normal for three boys to play wildly, but at the same time we cannot let them go around breaking everything in the house. (We decided to try to get them outside as much as possible during the day. When Brian comes home from work after saying hello to Jay I'm going to wear him in the Mei Tai while I finish dinner and Brian is going to read stories to the boys. This tends to be the craziest time of the day, as their tired and excited to see Brian so they blaze around the house like lunatics. I think getting them involved in a quiet activity with Dad my be just the trick).

This was about two weeks ago and Brian and I have kept to our promise to each other. We have not yelled at all and have been very calm with the kids and in turn they have been behaving better than ever.

[Fianna]

dotcom, how fantastic! That is so awesome that you guys were able to sit down and come up with workable strategies. And you've stuck to them and seen the results, which will motivate you to make it through the really hard times. You guys should be so proud of yourselves! Thanks for sharing your experience.

Things are still going pretty well around here as well. I've had a few "bad mommy" moments along the way, but I've been accountable for them each time, have apologized and tried to explain to my girls why I was struggling with my behavior (tired, upset over something unrelated to them, etc.) One of the benefits of my being willing to do that seems to be that my girls are learning to figure out what prompts some of their behaviors as well. For instance, when my older dd comes home from school and simply loses it over something small or immediately starts a fight with her younger sibling, we can now talk about her day (after she calms down) and she can tell me about why she is extra tired or stressed out from her school day. Even the 2-yr-old is trying to get into the act, telling me last night that she was "extra-grumpy because Julia wouldn't share the pony book with me!" Too cute.

[dotcommama]

Originally Posted by Fianna

Even the 2-yr-old is trying to get into the act, telling me last night that she was "extra-grumpy because Julia wouldn't share the pony book with me!" Too cute.

That's great That is what it is all about. I realized that the worse dh and I behaved the worse the children did - they were simply learning by our poor example. It is great when we can model good behavior for our children and that sounds exactly like what you are doing.