I'm so glad I found this thread. When I started yelling, it was so shocking, and I thought I would deal with it and be over it. 2 years later.... Ugh. I know it's worse when I'm pg, I really want a LOT of time to myself, and that's rough on the kids. I think part of the problem is that in my desperation for "me time," I resort to getting low-quality me time, if that makes sense. So, for instance, I'll be reading on the computer while the kids are watching TV. That's a recipe for disaster in and of itself, but then they will get hungry and cranky and I'll resent having to interrupt my sub-quality me time to do anything, yk? So I get cranky, and they get crankier.... It doesn't help that dh's schedule is 4pm-1am, and then he comes home and takes hours of time on the computer playing games. He generally is coming to bed when I'm getting up, and then I have the kids by myself until I have to get him out of bed for work. With the pgcy, I sleep enough that I have very little time alone when the kids are asleep, and I resent that dh can take all this time when I feel like I need so much. But when I've accomplished so little in a given day because I keep trying to get truly fulfilling me time, I feel like I can't ask for a break. Soogie, I totally relate to what you were saying. I have some better days, but I always seem to return to this funk where I just want to tune everything out.
APmom98, I really appreciate your honesty in your first post. It really expressed a lot of my feelings.
I really liked the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" by, I think, Becky Bailey. I found that it did somewhat address where the anger was coming from, or at least it acknowledged that the anger was there and you needed to discipline yourself before you could teach your child anything. Basically the same as the inner dialogue idea, she explained how you have to work at realizing what you are thinking and changing that, and (another biggie for me) realizing that whatever situation you find yourself in is the way it is. Sure, if it's 10:30 and you're exhausted, the kids should be snoozing soundly, but if they aren't, focusing on how things *should* be won't help anything. She says you end up fighting against the whole universe -- it certainly feels that way! So I've been trying to realize that this moment is as it is, and the only thing I can do is respond well. And learn from it for next time. That's something where I struggle. I can't remember much of my bedtime routine as a kid, but in high school, I usually spent a lot of time loafing, reading, watching TV, and that's what I want to do when dinner is over now. It really doesn't work. I *know* that if I get things done quickly, consistently, we will all be happier. But still, I end up just wanting to loaf, and we're all cranky, and get to bed at least an hour later than we should have.
Anyway, I'm just rambling, I'm very glad to find that I'm not alone. And that my kid is normal! When he's mellow, he's really mellow and agreeable, but I've found that his out-of-balance times have been really rocky. Someone mentioned that 4 yos seem to have a time like 2 yos -- I've read this a few times before and my 4 yo is proof! Things were so draining and challenging when he was around 2, and then smooth sailing through three until just recently, around 4.5, then poof! He's also learning and growing and becoming more independent much more now than in his lull time, it all just goes together.