I have had it with the lying and lack of caring

[bubbles]

My 16 year old (acutally my nephew, but lives with me) is driving me nuts. I am so stressed right now. He lies, lies, lies. He even lies when it would not matter. Anyway, after the vice principal having to talk with him three times this week and my ds claiming that none of it was his fault (it never is), I am so sick of it. He has been grounded for his grades, gotten in trouble at school, and then lies about staying after to get help w/school. He just keeps telling me stories, blaming things on everyone else, and trying to manipulate me. To top it all off, his attitude is that he just does not care. I know that is his defense mechanism, but I really think he truly doesn't care about a lot of things. AAAAaarrrrgggghhh. They are so complicated. I know noone can solve my problem but I had to vent.

[doulamomvicki]

Have you tried to see a conselor? It is such a hard time for us and them . I have my ds#1 (16 yr) and myself see one together and alone from time to time. It has been so worth it! He no longer feels like he can't tell me the truth and I know how to not freak out to things that I may not want to hear.

Hang in there Sybil !

[jannan]

i'm right there with you bubbles!!!!!!!my ds was adopted by me when he was 9 years old 5 years ago. and he is starting to lie. he lies about stuff he does not need to lie about. like cleaning out the dryer filter. i've had it.and his father is no help. you should hear the way he talks to him. if this keeps up i am shipping him back to his birth mother. if he lies one more time to me he is not going to be able to rent anything on netflix.i know i sound like a bitch but i've had it with a kid i did not give birth to............

[bubbles]

Originally Posted by jannan

i know i sound like a bitch but i've had it with a kid i did not give birth to............

You don't sound awful. It is sometimes more difficult when it is not your birth child. Especially when we take them in older rather than younger. We don't get to establish the same foundations. I try to remind myself that they have a lot going on that they don't want to talk about. I just wish I could understand and deal with it better.
We have tried several counselors, but not with much success. Dn (dear nephew) just would not open up to them. I wish we could find a situation where he would open up, but it takes a lot of time and money to keep searching. He says he does not need to go because there is nothing wrong w/him. I tried to explain that that is not what it is about but....Anyway, I have threatened to take him to one and just listen to me rant once a week if things don't improve. Actually, the last few weeks have been good, but it waxes and wanes here. Dh is not too supportive of counseling as he did not like it as a teenager (family had to go) and he does not want to foot the bill. Guess I can understand that. Well, longwinded here, but getting it off my chest.
Jannan we will band together and try to get through it!

[308wood]

the truth is Children lie. it's that simple. i rember lying to my parents a lot. most of the time i the truth is Children lie. it's that simple. We all remember lying to our parents and most of the time it was about stupid things we didn’t need to lie about. Like how our day at school went or what we did during the day. Your child is becoming an individual and needs their space. At the same time you need to know what’s going on. Its’ a delicate balance. It’s hard to know what to do in some instances but you must always be a good example to the child and show them what is expected. Have you always been honest with them? Do they know it? If someone tries to manipulate you tell him or her in no uncertain terms you don’t like them trying to manipulate you. Don’t say “I don’t like to be manipulated”. Say “your trying to manipulate me and that’s wrong. I am the adult and you are the child and it’s my responsibility to make you into an adult”. You give them the privilege to do a lot of things. They need to know this. Because they are still children they don’t have any “rights”. You give them everything they need to become adults. It’s your responsibility to decide when and how much to give and If they can show they are responsible and can act in a civilized manner they get more freedom and more privileges. If they act hurtful or uncaring you restrain them. On one end of the spectrum are things like freedom and responsibility, complication and adulthood.
On the other are security, unaccountability, simplification and childhood. If they feel or act like they feel overwhelmed pull back on the freedom a little. Just be consistent and don’t embarrass them in front of their peers. In the end the best you can hope to be is someone who they can respect and (secretly) admire and be a good roll model. They may not show it now but they love you and you will get a big payback down the ro

[rainsmom]

OMG, I should hook you up with my friend. SHe has her neice living with her who is 14 and is going thru the same thing. SHe has no parents to live with, so if its not my friend who she lives with it will be the grandparents...who are old and she feels too guilty to do that to them. ITs been a hard year for everyone. She just got on Access (some kind of gov assistance) for counseling and the whole family is able to go. They really should have gone from day one. NOw they are trying to decide whether to keep her for another year.....their whole family is being affected, including her 4yr old and her dh! THey are absolutley miserable.

I hope things get better for you. Maybe you can look into some assistance for counseling. Depending on his situation (did you adopt him?) he could be eligible for assistance too.

I know with my own ds.....having family counseling was a positive thing for us.