Anyone else's extended family REALLY upset by homebirth?

[ebethmom]

I've posted about my Mom's reaction to homebirth before, and I just wanted to know if anyone else's family is reacting negatively to homebirth. My Mom can hardly speak to me right now, and my feelings are hurt.

Dh asked yesterday "Knowing your Mom, would you expect her to react any differently?" Realistically, the answer is no. But it still hurts my feelings. Since I'm not doing things her way, she doesn't want to have anything to do with this birth. She was there with me during my labor and delivery with my son, and I really appreciated her support.

I've talked to both of my brothers, and they don't understand why I would want this either. But at least they ASK why. They all view birth as a medical emergency.

I asked my Mom if she would like to come to one of my prenatal appointments and ask my midwife her questions in person. She dismissed that idea and said "No, that wouldn't help at all." Nothing like an open mind, huh?

I'm trying to regain some perspective here. I am certain that homebirth is the right choice for us. But I hate conflict with my Mother. I don't think we can resolve our differences here - she thinks I'm irresponsible and I think she's closed-minded.

My friend did make me laugh today. She said "Oh! I didn't realize your MOM was having this baby!" And she reminded me that it's my family, my baby, my body, and my decision. And that helped. Some.

Sorry this is so long! I would love to hear other pelple's experiences with this. Thanks!

[momto l&a]

My dh family was concerned at first cause they are all for the medical way of doing things. Dh's Mom had her kids by C/S as had her other dil.

But fortunately we had studied and when our info well about the safety of hb so dh has been able to have them see we really knew what we talking about.

We are expecting our third child by hb come October so I guess they are getting used to it by now

The only thing they don’t like are C/s are normally planned and with a hb you never know when the baby will come which bothers then as they don’t know when to make a trip up to visit :LOL They are retired so it shouldn’t make any difference except they have to plan around their dr appointments.



My parents had me at home so nothing negative from them except I dont like Lamaze and my Mom thinks its the only way to birth a baby. So shes not happy about that part. Oh well I have had 2 hb, she only one.

[TurboClaudia]

hugs to you Elizabeth

We made the conscious choice to tell my sister and my parents about our home birth plans but not tell my partner's sisters and parents. His father is a surgeon and his family is much more medically minded than the two of us are. Early on, it felt like the right decision but I still felt a little deceitful.

And then a couple of weeks ago in our birthing preparation class, we were discussing tigers that can lurk in the forest and this issue came to my mind again. I still felt like it was the right decision not to tell them. I realized that I felt sad about it because it seemed like I was being somewhat inauthentic and not true to myself.

So last week, as we were waiting for our midwives to show up for the home visit, Bill got a phone call from his dad. They chatted and his dad asked what he was doing and Bill said oh we're just waiting for our midwives to show up. I thought to myself why is he telling him that??? Of course, his dad asks oh what are they coming over for? And Bill says oh the usual prenatal visit. And his dad asks where is Claudia planning on having the baby -- at home? And Bill says yes, unless there are any problems. And his dad says well, that sounds good.

We haven't talked to them since then, so I don't know if there will be a backlash or not. But I guess the tiger is out in the open now.

I know it's a different situation with your family, Elizabeth, but I hope you do everything YOU need to do for yourself to be okay with the fact that your mother and your brothers may never understand your choice. It is not their choice to make, and it is not necessary for them to understand you. Their only job is to love you and love your baby. lots more hugs to you

warmly,
claudia

[Faith]

I can always answer all the threads about exteneded family being upset!

Yeah, my mom really flipped out when I told her. I never understood why, because she had us all completely natural back when it was unheard of, and came home ASAP. (That was as AP as she got though. After that it was all about CIO and bottles.)

My dad, who can sometimes be normal, had to laugh at how upset my mom got. He said, "what? maybe faith doesn't like hospitals!"

My dad's mom had a serious talk with me, basicly to let me know I was probably killing my baby, and I was obviously had no clue what I was thinking.


In the end, all I can say is it really is their problem... After all, you aren't trying to make THEM have a homebirth, and this isn't their baby! You can't choose how other people will react, even if it hurts us.
Is she even open to info, like the stats that show how SAFE it is? Or maybe she would feel better if she knew that MWs carry oxygen, etc?

If not, hugs to you. She may never come around completely, but after she sees how beautiful it went, she won't be able to say anything too negative.

I actually invited my mom to my HB, even though she was not 'on board' with it. I would tell you NOT to do that, unless your mom changes her mind. I expected my mom to get caught in the moment and for us to have a stronger bond, etc. Instead she almost didn't show up, then refused to come near me (almost made me cry), and ran out right after. But then again, your mom is probably not as weird as mine.

I hope things work out for you and your mom!

[ebethmom]

[QUOTE=Faith]
I actually invited my mom to my HB, even though she was not 'on board' with it. I would tell you NOT to do that, unless your mom changes her mind. QUOTE]

I've already decided that unless there is some monumental shift, my Mom should not be present for this birth. Really, unless she comes to one of my prenatals, I wouldn't trust her to treat my midwife with respect. The focus of a birth should be on the baby and the mother, NOT someone else's comfort level.

When my Mom and I talked last week, she told me that she had been reading about homebirth online and that nothing she had read eased her worries. In fact, she just felt "even more sick about the whole thing." I asked what she had been reading, and she didn't answer that. I've been gathering articles, but I do think my efforts are futile.

For the time being, I'm choosing not to spend time with the naysayers in my family. If they want to visit us here, I would welcome that. But as for staying overnight with my Mom/stepdad, no thanks! My stepdad feels obligated to SHARE his opinions and judgements. He's sometimes a little better behaved as a guest.

[cottonwood]

When my Mom and I talked last week, she told me that she had been reading about homebirth online and that nothing she had read eased her worries. In fact, she just felt "even more sick about the whole thing." I asked what she had been reading, and she didn't answer that.

She is just being colossally unfair. I think I wrote in another post that if she insists on trying to influence you with her emotions rather than with reason, then it is completely reasonable for you to demand that she stop talking about it. I mean, isn't that what little children do? They don't have a dialogue, they don't see both sides, they just throw a fit, and if they get their way great, and if they don't, well, they've at least blown off some steam. The difference between little children and your mom is that children do that because they don't know how to deal with it any other way, your mom on the other hand does know how. Why she's not doing it, I don't know, but in the end it really amounts to emotional blackmail. And that is awfully selfish and disrespectful to you, don't you think? I'd ask her once again to look at the evidence rationally, and if she refuses, just tell her you're going to have set some serious boundaries. The stress she's putting on you isn't good for you or the baby.

[Sassafrass]

That is why no one on my side of the family knows about this.....It is really hard, because they are all just 2 hrs away, but if my Mom and Dad and sisters knew, they would totally freak out and bombard me with all kind of scare-tactics. They would absolutely refuse to see the other side, and anything that I could possibly do to get them to open up their closed minds just wouldn't work. I knew this ahead of time, so I just haven't told them. If they were to ask, I wouldn't lie, but it would never dawn on them that having a baby at home is even possible.

My husband's Mom and Dad and StepMom know, but they are former hippies and even if they disagree with us, they would never try to push their ideas off on us. Plus, one lives in MI, and one lives in CA..........a long way from SC. LOL!

I am really sorry you are going through this, but it just strengthens my thoughts that I did the right thing by not telling anyone. *sigh*

Angela

[katja]

Maybe just try to remind yourself that people who are freaked out by homebirth generally don't know anything about it. I got the impression that people think that homebirth means that you can't ever go to the hospital, even if something goes wrong. There are some really ignorant ideas out there. It is up to you to decide if it is worth trying to educate your family a little more.

My in-laws freaked out, by the way. My BIL (a doctor) and FIL were the worst, coming up with all kinds of dreadful scenarios which ended with--oh my god--my father-in-law would wind up supporting us and paying millions in medical bills for our deformed baby after the insurance ran out! Whatever.
Finally, DH wrote a mass e-mail saying it wasn't open for debate.

Just remember, it's your baby and your birth.

[Lucysmama]

My mom started making doubting complaints when I told her of our plans.....

I looked at her squarely in the eye, and said, "You are my mom, and I am counting on you for support." That totally shut her up, and then she stammered, "Oh...well, yes, of course." and she has never said another negative word, she has only asked questions.

My point is, maybe you could tell your mom that you were really counting on her for support. Tell her how she has hurt you by being so judgemental of your choices, without being interested in the facts.

ITA with another poster, she is being very childlike. She is throwing a little tantrum over this, and it is not her decision. And the fact that she refuses to get educated about it, either through true research or through talking to your midwife, tells me that she is too freasked out by the whole idea, and doesn't WANT to be proven wrong.

Sorry you have to go through this.

[fourgrtkidos]

My family baulked at my first homebirth. But, I didn't get much grief about the second. It's hard when you are pregnant not to get your feelings hurt. (it's hard for me even when I'm not pregnant). But, I just keep trying to remind myself that I'm doing alot of things different than the rest of society. And if the people around you are insecure, they get upset when you are doing things SO differently than them, mostly because then somewhere deep inside they are questioning if they did / do things "right".
Don't feel like you have to convince every one else you're right or change their minds to your way of thinking. Explain to the few that are important to you why you are doing it, that you are making an informed and intelligent decision. Then, don't defend your self any further.
You are an awesome, empowered, thinking for yourself kind of Woman and kudos to you and your DH, what a family!!!!

[ebethmom]

Thanks for all of your kind words! My Mom called yesterday while I was out of town, so dh talked to her. Better he than I at this point! They had the same conversation that we had last week, just without the mother/daughter tension!

Dh did have a chance to tell her that my (former) CNM is very supportive, and that she did tell me again that I do not have a high risk pregnancy.

I'm giving communication with my Mom a break for now. I just can't deal with it right now.

[sarahloughmiller]

My MIO laughed and honestly thought we were joking when we told them we were having the baby at home. She acctually ended up being at the birth video taping it and went home and made my husbands sister promise to have her baby at the hospital. I thougt my sons birth went well despite 3 days of labor and his cord being wrapped around him 3 times, but she did not agree and I know she will think I am crazy when I do it again. Since the birth she has come to terms with it a little bit and realized that it would have gone really bad at the hospital (they just don't let you go several days dialated to seven) and that I was better off at home. I hope your mother comes around. It is hard to not have the support you need. Trust your instincts and everything will turn out the way it should. Good Luck

[ebethmom]

I talked to my Mom on the phone last night, and we basically had the same conversation all over again. Except that the phone conversation ended with her crying and hanging up. Basically, she is certain that I'm going to die. Or the baby will be brain dead.

The only people she has talked to about homebirth are her medical profession friends. And they just feed into her fears. My Mom is very upset with me because I "only read material that is written from a biased viewpoint." She does actually acknowledge that her information sources are also biased, but "they are MEDICALLY biased." So that makes them right, of course.

She asked for my midwife's name last night, and there is just no way I can share that with her. Direct entry midwifery is illegal in Kentucky. I don't trust her not to make trouble.

I don't expect that we will be communicating before this baby is born. Which is too bad. She was with me for ds's birth, and that meant a lot to me.

I do know that she loves me very much. I'm trying to remember that. But the way she completely disregards my judgement is infuriating.

[cottonwood]

"My Mom is very upset with me because I "only read material that is written from a biased viewpoint." She does actually acknowledge that her information sources are also biased, but "they are MEDICALLY biased." "

Oh, I'm sure they are! But it hardly matters if they're not scientifically valid, eh?

At this point I think you're right that it's wise for you to not talk to her anymore, I mean, it's clearly not a constructive thing. But, you obviously love her and will feel the loss. I wonder if it would help to write her a letter, explaining why it's better for you not to talk again until the birth, and just as a last ditch effort include some stats, studies, and articles about homebirth/hospital birth? If she has it right there in her hands, it might be harder for her to keep up the delusion that the superiority of hospital birth is evidence-based.

[wildthing]

Elizabeth,
I am sure it is hard to have this kind of thing going on when you are getting ready to have your baby. And it really does suck! But I agree that distance from her can only be a good thing at this point.

We are planning a UC, although we do have a midwife back-up. We told FIL, and he didn't bat an eye, except to actually fully and 100% support us. MIL (they are divorced) was not as supportive, but I simply told her it wasn't her call, and did she seriously think I would purposely put my and my baby's life in danger? She still isn't in agreement, but she hasn't said anything.

At this point, dh and I have done so many things that are not mainstream, that our families really have no idea what we'll do next. When we make a choice, if we choose to tell anyone about it, we are very straightforward, non-defensive and completely confident in our decision....at least by outward appearances. If we still have any doubts, we do not discuss it with those that will come back with negativity. We consider our birth choices to be private and not up for negotiation....discussion, yes, debate or negotiation, no.

[Dreaming]

My Stepmom is an OB nurse and I just told her we are doing a homebirth yesterday. She's quite upset. To her, birth is a medical event. She made sure to add how serious it is if you go past 41 weeks (Um...my Mom didn't deliver me until 41w3d and I'm still here...).

My Dad is fine with it. His sister delivered a baby UC (without her DH even) in the bathroom. He and my Mom were originally planning to have my brother at home (they utimately decided the hospital was better for them).

My Mom is an RN, but she's just crunchy enough to agree with anything I do. She also knows that I'm too determined to get my way for her to bother arguing.

We didn't tell DH's family. They would freak out and DH isn't as *assertive* as I am, so it's best to keep it quiet (besides, I would completely LOSE IT if they came over while I'm in labor ).

I've just decided to ignore people's ignorance. They didn't do the research and have no idea what they are talking about, so why waste my time and energy? There are SO many other things to fight about like co-sleeping and cloth diapering and non-vaxing and extended breastfeeding and homeschooling and...

[ebethmom]

Originally Posted by Artist Mama

There are SO many other things to fight about like co-sleeping and cloth diapering and non-vaxing and extended breastfeeding and homeschooling and...

Exactly!! Ironically, my Mom doesn't give me grief about any of these issues. We also don't share our vax plans with her. I'm not exactly sure what they are with this baby.

I am putting together a packet of material to send to my Mom. I have copied lots of studies and articles from the internet. I'm sending those plus a reading list with books and websites listed.

I had thought about sending her several books, like Henci Goer's Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. But I like to read through my books several dozen times before I'm done with them. And I don't feel like sharing. If I thought they might be valued, I may feel differently.

I'm still debating whether or not I'll send my copy of The Heart and Science of Childbirth from Midwifery Today.

[katja]

Just wanted to mention that one person who was very supportive was a friend's mother, an OB nurse. She said the best thing I could do for my baby was to stay out of the OB ward.

[pixiexto]

My Mom was a bit freaked out when we first mentioned that we were planning a homebirth last pregnancy, but I was really impressed by how she quietly went about doing her own research online. Within a few weeks she was pretty on board - still a bit scared of the worst case scenario, but supportive of our decision. When we were telling other family members it helped a bit to tell them just how quickly we could get to a hospital if the need arose, and how in the time that it took us to transfer via ambulance the hospital could prepare all they needed to for our arrival. In a sense, there would be no real difference in timing - - if we had a hospital birth and they needed to do an emerg. c/s, it would take them a few minutes to prep me, right? This same prep. could be done while I was en route. This seemed to put a lot of worried minds at ease.

Simply put, in most cases homebirths are shown to be safer than hospital deliveries. There are countless resources that will support that stance, but there are people that just won't or can't see that. I guess there comes a point where hopefully those who disagree can do so quietly and respectfully.

BTW, I found Martha Sears' writings in The Birth Book to be very powerful and very pro-homebirth, while still a quick read. Maybe your Mom would be interested in hearing from the perspective of a respected Peds wife?

[ebethmom]

OK, folks. Wish me luck. We're going to visit my family for a Memorial Day meal. At least we're starting out at my brother's to visit with my Dad and Stepmom. They are supportive of our decision.

Then we go to my Mom and Stepdad's for dessert. Yikes. I'm taking packets of information for everyone. I'm really not willing to discuss our decision until they have done a little reading.

Dh and I have already agreed that if it turns ugly we'll just leave. That won't be easy for our 2 year old. Hopefully we'll just get by with a little uneasy tension and call it a day!

I'm thinking of asking my Mom to share with my Stepdad that we aren't interested in a huge debate over the holiday. But he gets so huffy. "Noone comes into MY house and tells me what I can and can't talk about!" We'll probably just wait until we get there to tell him that we're not listening to his ill informed opinions.