preparing spiritually for birth

[fiddlefern]

So this is my first baby, and technically it's due tomorrow.

I've had NO contractions. Seriously. (Well, two, much earlier in my pregnancy).

But the bigger thing that's occupying my heart and mind right now is how to bring myself into a space of welcoming this baby into the world. He is very much wanted, and we TTC for about a year before the good news that I was pregnant, but I feel like there is part of me that's holding back from this whole experience.

I know that baby will come out eventually and I won't be pregnant forever, but I just wonder if the lack of contractions has anything to do with my spiritual hesitancy about welcoming motherhood.

I've been having these dreams where huge waves come up and overwhelm me or erode away the shoreline or take over a house.

All of this to me seems incredibly symbolic of labor, of the power of birth, and of the overwhelming sense of this new role I'll be taking on. And in the Christian tradition, which is what I've grown up with, it also links into all kinds of images of baptism, being "born" into a new role, and how death of an old life precedes birth of a new life through water.

To help me process this, I've been visualizing Momma God crawling into a boat with me and holding me through the storm. I've also been asking my husband, in our relaxation practices, to tell me stories of strong, positive birth.

Anyone else out there struggling with welcoming birth? Or gone through this and have some wisdom?

Thanks for listening.

- Fiddlefern

[annakiss]

I don't know that I have wisdom and I'm not actually pregnant, but the first thing I thought when I saw your post is that there is no reason to be concerned about not having had contractions. Sometimes some people have them for a long time. Sometimes people don't have them until labor happens. If you feel like you're holding back though, try to meditate on release. Release from expectation at all. You may not have this baby for a while yet. Try to release yourself from expectation that it's going to happen soon. Try to just be pregnant. It's much more enjoyable that way, I'm sure. It's the zen of it - eternally being in the present. It sounds like your visualzations are just what you need. But what if Momma God let you be strong and powerful, turning into the Momma God herself, being larger than the sea and making it through the storm on your own? Or maybe you just ride the waves, transforming them from a dark, scary storm into a peaceful ride along the ocean. Maybe you're born of the water and your skin and your breath and everything about you is water and your baby comes rising out of the mouth of the ocean. Just breathe. And let the thoughts go wherever it is thoughts go. Breathe it all in, consider it, and then breathe it all out.

[fiddlefern]

annakiss- Thanks for your imput. All of those images are potentially helpful.

I've also realized that part of me feeling not ready is that baby genuinely ISN'T ready. My "good" MW and I re-examined the evidence about my due date today, and changed it to the 14th. And when you consider that first-time white mammas on -average- go 8 days later than this, and when you also consider that 29-yr-olds tend to have the longest gestational times (I'm barely 30), it really seems like Luke may be a while.

I trust the communication between my baby and me. Maybe I'm not ready for birth because he's not ready for birth. Maybe those dreams are just a part of getting ready, and not a sign that fear is holding me back from starting labor.

I feel much, much, better after processing this for a few days.

I trust in the birthing process- we all will have what we need to get through our labors.

Much peace to all.

[Mama Faery]

I'm really glad you brought this up, Fiddlefern. In the past couple of weeks, when I thought I was ready...the babe hasn't come (I'm 39 weeks now) and I've begun wondering if it was something to do with the fact that I'm also getting scared; scared that I won't be a good or responsible mother, scared that maybe I'm not as ready for this as I thought I was (and oh, how we want this baby! But I still have self-doubt occasionally, and worries of money and other things) and so maybe that's why he's not coming yet.
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and letting-go of fear, and just as I know that EVERY momma goes through some of the same stuff, I know that I will do the best that I can, and it will make me a great mother.

I am trying to just take it day by day now, and I am 28 years old, and this is my first baby, so I realize that he just may come a few days after my due date...and maybe he's just not ready yet, and he will come when he chooses to.
And we will be here to welcome him with open arms.

Anyway, not sure why I posted...just to let you know I've been kinda in the same place too. And to thank you for writing about this.
Take care!

-Renae

[fiddlefern]

Renae-

I think it's natural for us, especially as first-timers, to be a bit daunted by the whole becoming-a-mother thing. Even if we don't acknowledge it, I think those thoughts linger beneath the surface. I like bringing them out into the open for myself. I think it helps me prepare (as much as that is possible) for our new role. I wish you well on your journey!

BTW, I had another water dream last night. I was out with my dad on his sailboat, and somehow I had gotten myself up on top of the boom and was holding on to the back stay (translation: I wasn't IN the boat- I was above it on the rigging) and somehow I got myself back down all by myself. I had to jump, but I made it safely. Woo hoo- I can do it.

[annakiss]

Your lives are about to change dramatically forever. This is all good. No mother can ever be prepared for that change and it's not money or security that makes it go smoothly - it's personal strength. I believe that we are all capable of being strong enough to be accepting of this transformative event and allowing it to shape us. You will be made the great mother that you are by listening to your baby. Baby's tell you once they're born how to take care of them, so it only makes sense that they will also tell you when they're ready to come home to you. My ds was 15 days past due. Next time, I hope to imagine that my baby will be past due naturally and to find more peace with the wait. It gets hard at the end. It's like water torture to know that something is going to happen soon, but not to have any idea as to when. I thought that I was inordinantly upset about the lateness of my baby, but I know now that that's just how it is. Next time I hope to really release myself from expectation. I think that having ds has helped me learn how to do that in my daily life, so maybe that will help me later on.

to both of you.