GRRR and SIL vent

[grnbn76]

I've been lurking here and posting on other boards for a while now, but had to post here, since this is the only place people will actually understand.

My SIL is 31, single, and planning on getting artificial insemination to have a baby. She actually asked my opinion about it (and said something along the lines of "Since you're the most experienced mom I know, since you have so many kids"), but I don't know what to say.
How can I tell her that this is a terrible idea? How can I tell her that she needs to grow up before making this decision?
How can I support her when I know she will not be making the best choices for her baby? Making the best out of a bad situation (i.e. getting pregnant while single) is one thing, but creating a bad situation is (IMO) very different.
She will work (no problem from me), but her child will be in daycare from 6am to 6pm. Daycare for 12 hours a day, sleep for 8-10...why have a baby for 2-4 hours a day? What's the point?
How can I support her when I know she will be doing second best for this child..."I hope they can just knock me out for a scheduled c-section. I don't want anything to do with the baby until it's out and cute". She knows (and has quoted to me) the risks of drugs during labor, but labor is painful and inconvenient...why suffer?
She has said to me "I know breastfeeding is best, I know everyone should do it, I know it's great...but I don't want to do it, so I won't."
I can be flexible about a lot of things. I don't think she's going to rot in hell if she uses disposable diapers, or doesn't wear her baby, or puts the baby to sleep in a different room, or is single, or goes to work everyday. It's not what I do, it's not what *I* think is best, but okay for her.
But this very basic thing...feeding your child...is hard for me. Inability to breastfeed is one thing...my best friend HAS to formula feed (her dd has a genetic disorder and does not gain weight...after pumping for 9mos, she had to switch to high calorie formula) and I support her 110%. But unwillingness to breastfeed is another thing IMO. And I can't think my SIL is going to be a wonderful parent if she can't even give her child the best because it's inconvenient and she has no desire to.
If she has no desire to give the best in one area, is she going to have the desire to give the best in others? (Along the lines of my favorite comeback...I think infant car seats are bulky, heavy, difficult to put in the car, and ugly. I have no desire to use one, so I won't. I'll just buckle my baby into the backseat. Same logic...)

How can I support this woman in her desire to have a baby who will only get second best, substandarad care. Am I being witchy to even think this way? Should I try to support or should I just keep my mouth shut and hope for the best? BTW, we live 10hrs away (dh is military). If I were there, I would BE the daycare, and I would be APing the heck out of this baby from 6-6. But I can't. So what should I do?

(Mods...if you think this should be moved, feel free.)

[ekblad9]

I think she may change her mind. My SIL was totally like "I'll nurse for 3 months and that's it". She also said she was going back to work. Well, I'm happy to say that she's still nursing her 17 month old and has decided to go into debt and become a SAHM. My best advice would be to "gently educate" your SIL. Perhaps buy her a sub. to Mothering, some Dr. Sear's books, etc. That's what I did. Had it not rubbed off then at least I tried.

[MamaAllNatural]

Great suggestions above.

It sounds like she cares what you think and this is a good thing. Hopefully you can be a good influence. Everyone is different but I can really see where you're coming from in your vent. My thought is that she must really want a baby if she's considering doing this. So maybe she'll change, her maternal instincts will kick in etc. I'd start getting her books now. Try to be gentle and supportive and say, "Here. This should get you started." KWIM? Maybe you two can have an open discussion about why she wants to have a child. Why does she see that being the best choice for her right now in her life.

[zinemama]

ita with ekblad. Your sil obviously wants a baby enough to go through ai to have one. She's got a maternal instinct, and I'm betting it will kick in. It's awfully easy to have lots of ideas about how you're going to do things before you're even pregnant - and then find yourself doing stuff you'd never considered once that baby's a reality. (As I'm sure we can all recall!)

There was another thread where someone mentioned "sneaking" alternative stuff under the radar of those not inclined thataway, and this is a situation where that's required. Sil obviously respects you and has asked your opinion. Don't criticize or antagonize (not saying you would), but give her good resources. Don't give her anything with the word "Natural" in the title!!! Give stuff that looks mainstream on the surface, like The Baby Book, and give her time to absorb it. Give her a fun read like "Babycatcher" (Peggy Vincent) and see what she thinks after reading the story of a woman who went from believing hospital birth was the only way to being a sought-after midwife. Give her "Operating Instructions" (Anne Lamott) for a perspective on the reality of a single mom with an attitude (who happened to consider nursing important but doesn't make a huge deal out of it.) Etc.

[Gidget]

I am not trying to be judgemental here but I have a few questions. Does she really want a child to raise or a baby that is cute when she wants to play with it and someone who will love her. I am sure you have seen teens say this all the time, they want a cute baby who will love and depend on them.

Also, she says that she does not want to bother with the pain and "inconvenience" of birth. Does she really know what is involved in AI?

I agree that once a baby is here she could see the light, but it is a dangerous gamble. We only know what is going on by your post, but that does not tell the whole story. You know her better so you know what her intentions really are. Has she been exposed to kids other than yours? Maybe she really has no idea how much energy and effort goes into raising a child. If she ended up with a colicy baby that could be a very rude awakening for her. I hope you and your friend the best in this journey. I agree with sneaking info under the radar.

[grnbn76]

See, this is one of the biggest problems I have with the whole thing. I don't think she has the foggiest clue about having a child. I've never seen her express an ounce of maternal instinct...actually, she has said that she prides herself on being "anti-maternal". She doesn't believe it's necessary to be "maternal" to have a child.
I don't know why she wants a child...in my heart of hearts, it's because she's 31 and she thinks that it's "time". I've never heard her say she anything about wanting children, other than she's getting to the age where you're "supposed" to have them. I've never heard her say anything nurturing about having children. The best I've ever heard from her is "I'll keep my kids six months out of the year, and then send them to (her best friend) for the other six months." The only "maternal" thing I've seen from her is the fact that she thinks she is everyone's mother, i.e. boss.
I don't like her as a person, and I'm sure that is clouding my judgement. I also know about her life growing up (since she's only a year younger than dh), and I know that it was abusive. I won't let her parents be alone with my children for even a few minutes (I literally hand them over to dh if I have to use the restroom when we're around them). But she thinks they were absolutely perfect and wonderful and plans to parent just the way they did. Down to the bare-butt spankings while bent over the parent's lap. At 16 years old.
She has a friend, and a cousin she is close to who have one child each. She has been a babysitter for these children, but she has no clue about living with a baby 24 hours a day...not even a younger sibling for a memory.
I'd love to slip the good baby info in under the radar, but it would be rejected...she believes that children should fit in with the lives of their parents, bend to their parents' whims...not the other way around. The first time something looked "inconvenient", the whole book would be thrown out. She also completely rejects anything and everything that is even remotely "AP" (though she's seen it enough through me), because we "care too much about what our kids think".

Okay...I'm writing a novel length vent about SIL, and I'm sorry. I think I'm going to bow out of giving her my opinion on this...which is that she has a lot of growing up to do before she even thinks about having a child. I really wish she had never asked me.

[MamaAllNatural]

Wow, that's really terrible. It sounds like she wants to do it for all the wrong reasons. At the risk of sounding rude...let's hope she ends up not going through with it. :

[Sustainer]

Okay, I was going to say one thing after reading the first post, but now, after reading the follow-up... yikes. See if you can talk her out of it. But don't go overboard because some people go by contraries and end up wanting to do it more when you try to talk them out of it.

Yikes.

Maybe you could calmly say "You asked me my opinion, and I have to honestly say I don't think it would be best for you."