Continuum concept (ish) Tribe - Page 55

[Choosingjoy]

Wow!.... So, I read through this thread in it's entireity over the last week; one might say I was a bit excited/ desperate for all the input on CC perspectives:) what an amazing blessing to hear from so many mamas! I have no friends or aqcuaintences who relate much to these concepts... So I hope you are all still around! I want to respond to so very many posts, but I will try to not get ahead of myself and start with the basics. I am mother to one very active and happy fella who was born in December of '09 I read tcc when he was about four months old and it was a lovely change to be validated in many areas (wearing him in a wrap, choosing a family bed over a crib, breastfeeding on cue and striving to be family oriented) instead of judged:) I have many inquiries, but will save them for later.

[sweetpeppers]

I am so excited someone revived this thread! I was just rereading the book. My son is three now, and I think it is just as important for older kids as for younger kids. I'll talk in more detail later.

[Rebelima]

Hello! Im excited to see that there is a CC tribe on Mdc :) I am a new mommy to a 12 week old boy, and wife to my DH. I am an American living in Israel for the last 5.5 years. I read the book last year and it really resonated with me. and changed my attitude about babies and children and society as a whole. I am trying to implament as many concepts as possible, while tweaking them to fit in with our complicated modern life. I wear DS almost constantly and bf' on demand (which often means every 45 mins (ds loves to snack!) and of course sharing a family bed. I could definatly use the like minded support. I have been fortunate to have full support from my mom and famiIy living in the USA, but  have definatly had a bit of a hard time dealing with my MIL, who just does not understand anything that is unfamiliar to her and pretty much refuses to. For instance I decided on not getting a stroller, because i would prefer to carry DS everywhere and all the time, but she went out and got a stroller anyways! which really pissed me off, caus now i have to find a place for it in our already crowded apartment! Anyways, I could definatly use tips and adivce from others who are in to TCC and just the general support of like minded mommies :) BTW Jean Liedloff passed away a few days ago :( I just want to express how important i think her work was and is, and i hope that her message continues to be spread in order to help make better lives for more families. Thanks :) I look forward to posting and reading other posts.

[LunaLady]

I'm sad this thread isn't active anymore. I haven't read it all (there's so much!) but I did start at the beginning and read what I had the time to read.

I just read TCC and I feel mixed. I agree with Jean on so many levels and I'm desperate to raise my 8 month old DS in a TCC way, but I feel so depressed about how hard that will be in our modern world. I feel that for myself I have a TON of issues due to my having no in-arms period as a child among other things. I can see in myself the sheer amount of things that have resulted as of this.

Anyhow, I'm also upset because DS was 7 weeks early and we did not get the after-birth bonding time (I didn't get to hold him until he was 12 hours old) and he was in the NICU until he was 4 weeks old. I kind of feel like everything is already 'ruined' due to those things alone.

He's a very spirited baby and requires a lot of me. He cries A LOT. Even being carried in the Ergo and out and about on hikes or at fairs or whatever.. he's cranky and arching his back and closing his eyes to wail. I feel like I'm failing even when I'm trying to do everything 'right'. We have co-slept since he came home and we also bf (although that took a while to get established, I pumped until he was 3 months old).

Overall, I feel excited to have read this book and feel I have a lot of insight into helping my son develop, but have I ruined it already?

[Didi Wildrover]

anyone want to get this active? theres very little discussion on the facebook page...there is an email list but i prefer the forum format? anyone..?

[LunaLady]

I would love for this to be active. Is that a way to make a 'group' so we can have many topics going at once?

[MommyMichele]

I remember feeling like it was so important to get things "right" in the beginning.  Now that I have three kids ages 11, 8, and 5, the beginning is hard to remember and doesn't seem so important anymore.  You can always make good choices in the present.  Don't feel anything is ruined.  :)

[LunaLady]

Thank you, Michele. I have tried to embrace acceptance of what is and enjoy the here and now and know I can make the changes I want to make in the present. It is hard, though!

I am wondering how to go about making sure my son doesn't get mixed signals and such from other people who care for him - mainly my parents. The come over frequently to hang out with the baby while I get some stuff done around the house, but they are certainly not going to be being 'CC-y'.

[cat13]

Originally Posted by LunaLady 

I'm sad this thread isn't active anymore. I haven't read it all (there's so much!) but I did start at the beginning and read what I had the time to read.

I just read TCC and I feel mixed. I agree with Jean on so many levels and I'm desperate to raise my 8 month old DS in a TCC way, but I feel so depressed about how hard that will be in our modern world. I feel that for myself I have a TON of issues due to my having no in-arms period as a child among other things. I can see in myself the sheer amount of things that have resulted as of this.

Anyhow, I'm also upset because DS was 7 weeks early and we did not get the after-birth bonding time (I didn't get to hold him until he was 12 hours old) and he was in the NICU until he was 4 weeks old. I kind of feel like everything is already 'ruined' due to those things alone.

He's a very spirited baby and requires a lot of me. He cries A LOT. Even being carried in the Ergo and out and about on hikes or at fairs or whatever.. he's cranky and arching his back and closing his eyes to wail. I feel like I'm failing even when I'm trying to do everything 'right'. We have co-slept since he came home and we also bf (although that took a while to get established, I pumped until he was 3 months old).

Overall, I feel excited to have read this book and feel I have a lot of insight into helping my son develop, but have I ruined it already?

My DS was born on my EDD and we didn't have a NICU stay, but what you wrote in the bolded is exactly what we experienced! I don't want to discount your struggles, but I would throw out my 2 cents and say that this isn't necessarily related to his start in life. Reading Dr. Sear's 12 Features of High Needs baby is such a wonderful little description and actually makes me laugh out loud, because it is so right on target for us. One of those things where you have to laugh so you don't cry, you know?  You haven't ruined anything! DS is only 9 1/2 months now, but I can say that although he is still very much high-needs, he is also one of the happiest, most energetic babies I have ever met (when he isn't being super upset!). Maybe your DS is similar?

Sorry if that was a little OT, but this thread got me interested in reading TCC and I'd love to follow this thread and hear from all of you.

[cyclamen]

Originally Posted by LunaLady 

Thank you, Michele. I have tried to embrace acceptance of what is and enjoy the here and now and know I can make the changes I want to make in the present. It is hard, though!
I am wondering how to go about making sure my son doesn't get mixed signals and such from other people who care for him - mainly my parents. The come over frequently to hang out with the baby while I get some stuff done around the house, but they are certainly not going to be being 'CC-y'.

What helps me with that is to remember.... you are mom.  You are the center, and right now you are the filter through which your baby perceives the world.   We really can't control how others interact with our kids.  We can set boundaries, certainly... we can be clear about what we are comfortable with and what we will do if another person chooses not to take that to heart.  But we can't control what others do.  And in general, I'd say that it's not terribly necessary to control how others interact with our kids.  They learn from you and how you respond to things more than anything. 

I do want to say, though, that what you're feeling is pretty common, and there might be an element of post-partum anxiety at work - what you said about being worried that "everything is ruined" reminds me of the kind of catastrophic thinking I have when my anxiety/perfectionism is on high alert.   Anxiety is what you have when you are feeling unsafe, it's your mind's way of trying to protect you.  Sometimes though, anxiety doesn't produce the positive results that will help us.  It sounds like you may have had a bit of trauma around his birth, and that can cause you to be extra vigilant in a way that isn't always productive, you know?  If you feel disconnected from him somehow, that can be a product of a traumatic experience.  When I was experiencing severe anxiety after I had my daughter, counseling really helped me.

I think that TCC is a wonderful concept, and it's easier to put into practice in community, particularly when everyone is doing it the same way.  It's harder to do when you are doing it alone, so do be gentle with yourself.  But, at the same time, no, nothing is ruined.  Your son has a mother who loves him so much, and you are trying, and finding peace in your heart for yourself will give him a positive impact.  He learns from you.  If you can learn to be gentle with yourself, he will learn that too.  This has been the best thing I have learned from parenthood - to be kind to myself, so I can pour out kindness to my family.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by cyclamen 

I do want to say, though, that what you're feeling is pretty common, and there might be an element of post-partum anxiety at work - what you said about being worried that "everything is ruined" reminds me of the kind of catastrophic thinking I have when my anxiety/perfectionism is on high alert.  

...do be gentle with yourself.  But, at the same time, no, nothing is ruined.  Your son has a mother who loves him so much, and you are trying, and finding peace in your heart for yourself will give him a positive impact.  He learns from you.  If you can learn to be gentle with yourself, he will learn that too.  This has been the best thing I have learned from parenthood - to be kind to myself, so I can pour out kindness to my family.

when I read your post, I had the same thought about PP stuff. My 2nd child's birth went not as planned in big ways, and in ways that left me feeling disconnected from her. I had the same thoughts "what if all is ruined."  She turned 14 a couple of weeks ago. Looking back, I really had no idea how little parenting was behind me, and how much was ahead. She an amazing person, and we are very connected. Yes, the perfect birth would have been a nice start, but heck, she got here in one piece and that's what really counts.

I agree about finding a way to process what  you are feeling. Different things work better for different people -- counseling, writing, making art, just being honest with a friend and letting them give you a hug. But find a way to truly let it go --not just to pretend its OK, but to really be OK with what is. What I did might sound hokey, but I used to rock my baby and chant over and over "we are bound together as mother and child. It is a sacred relationship blessed by the earth."

I'm not the perfect mother, and I haven't got everything right. I'm always learning. One of the things I'm modeling for my children is that we can still love and accept and celebrate ourselves and our lives, even though we aren't imperfect.

[EnviroBecca]

What helps me with that is to remember.... you are mom.  You are the center, and right now you are the filter through which your baby perceives the world.

  My son is 7 years old now.  I have worked outside the home since he was 12 weeks old, so I am hardly the obvious ideal CC mama.  From age 2 to 5 he went to a very mainstream full-day preschool.  Yet I am still his center, his filter, in a big way.  He does things and sees things very much the way I do.  Sure, I can sometimes see the influences of his peers, his public school, his preschool, the lady who cared for him in her home while I worked when he was a baby, TV...but my influence is at the core.  When he's resisted the ways of those other people, it's been because he is sticking up for The Way We Do It, "we" being him and me and his dad.  He's very firmly rooted on our Continuum.  So it can really work out even if some of the people in your life are less CC.