Fear of Loss / Support of Loss

[ksjhwkr]

Ok, I tried to do this last night, but it didn't work. I guess that the forums were messed up last night. So...anyway...this is a thread that we can address fear of loss, or a place to come when we are in need of support - either from our own loss or loss of a family member or friend.

[crunchywannabe]

Kim-thank you for starting this thread.

I am feeling better today than earlier this week. Finding out my friend lost her baby to SIDS was a big shock. My biggest fear in life is losing a child. I have lost 2 babies to m/c and almost lost my oldest dd 16 months ago to a brain hemorrhage.

Everyday, I always have that fear that something will happen to this baby before she can be born. I don't know where that fear comes from...or how to get over it.

[ksjhwkr]

I think that the fear comes from knowing what can happen. I am not so scared of this baby dying when s/he is born, but sometime in the first year. I think that we just have to push through, day to day, love these babies and do the best we can. It's easier said than done though.
I don't know that it is possible to get over it either. Until life will prove things differently to us, we will fear. We are doing hypnobirthing this time. One of my affirmations that I repeat a lot to myself is, "I put all fear aside and welcome my baby with happiness and joy." That is SO important for me. Sometimes I think that the fear will eat me alive, but I am really trying. HUGE to you!!!!!!!

[Greaseball]

I'm always afraid one of the kids is going to die. Maybe not soon, but sometime before me. I only wanted 2 kids, but sometimes I wonder if we should have 3 just in case. I know you can't replace a lost child, but I just feel I am supposed to have 2 kids and at least that would allow me to have my 2.

Also, I know this probably doesn't mean anything, but this woman did that ring on a string test to try and find out the gender, and she said "You're going to have 2 boys and then no more kids after that." But since this isn't twins, I was thinking, oh no, that means this one is going to die and then we will have another.

Dh got really upset when I said something about one of the kids dying; he tends to be a bumbling moron about death. The plan was for him to get a vasectomy sometime after this one was born (he got upset when I said we should wait until the SIDS risk has passed) and now I'm thinking I'm not comfortable with the idea. I brought it up again, saying maybe he should bank sperm first, and he said he didn't want any more kids and that people who want another one shouldn't rely too much on the sperm bank.

I really don't want 3 kids, and I don't want to keep using birth control...I just want to know that everything is going to be all right with the 2 we have!

[ksjhwkr]

Oh Grease - It is so scary, I know!!! I can say that I wouldn't give any heed to what the lady said about the baby, but I also know how hard that is to do. There is a lady I know whose baby died last May. She and Emma were 2 days apart in age. Anyway, when her baby was born, she had a tubal done. Now, her youngest is gone and she wishes she hadn't done it. Of course, she didn't feel good about it when she did it. You need to listen, deep inside, and you will know what to do.
And, you are right, you can't replace a child, but when a child dies there is an intense need to fill your arms again. I wish I could better explain it, but I can't. Just know that your thoughts and feelings are totally normal. Huge hugs to you sweetie!!!! Anytime you need to talk, please do.

[underthebluerug]

Hi ksjhwkr; I just wanted to tell you how much I've appreciated your brave and positive posts after all you've lived. I'm expecting my second baby around the same time as you, so have followed where you are at.

My DD#1 was born after fertility challenges and failed pregnancies, and my extended family acts as if I didn't have a "right" to try for and push through this second pregnancy (which has been difficult). My mother also lost her first baby in infancy, so her fears are always near the surface, which doesn't help. To read you speaking so openly about your pain and hope has been great, mama. You rock.

Kate

[ksjhwkr]

Kate, Thank you so much. It really means a lot when people appreciate me speaking about this. It is one of my ways of healing. I understand it makes many people uncomfortable, you don't ever want to think it can happen to you, but it can and it happened to me.
Congratulations on this pregnancy, I think it is wonderful for you to do what is best for your family. While I understand your Mother's fear, I also know what a joy these children can be. So, huge hugs to you Mama!!

[Laurapartera]

I'm not usually a worrier, I think this time of pregnancy really brings these thoughts to the surface. I laid in bed last night with dd and couldn't help but think how awful it would be to lose her. I cannot fathom!
I don't connect very well with baby's in utero so I'm not worried about the next one yet.............
NORMAL NORMAL
Anybody else crying about "something, anything" everyday now?

[ksjhwkr]

I am!!! I am crying about something, anything, everything everyday. It's these great hormones! My grief counsellor tells me that this is a really great time for me to work through my grief because of the hormones of pregnancy. I can't stuf my feelings too well.
How old is your dd? Give her big hugs and hold her tight for me.

[crunchywannabe]

Well--today is Forests memorial service...it just started 20 minutes ago.

I still get so choked up to think about it.

I am lighting a candle because our board is having a candle light vigil across the US since we can't be there with her and her family.

In loving memory of Forest.....February 25, 2004 - May 8, 2004
May your light continue to shine though all those whose hearts you touched. May your mother constantly feel your love for her as you watch over her.

Peace to Rebecca and her family this day...and always.

[ksjhwkr]

They are in my thoughts and prayers this evening.

[Smithie]

Friend hasn't called

I posted this in another mama's loss thread a few months ago. She was worried about not being able to celebrate with her friend whose pregnancy had gone well:

"What I wanted to tell you is that a woman at full term whom I met when I was 3 months along, the SIL of my best friend, lost her baby on the day she was was scheduled to be induced. He strangled on the cord. They had a funeral, etc. and he has a name and the whole family was able to deal with it as a child's death and not and "accident" or some such hideous euphemism.

While dealing with the fallout from this tragedy, my friend was pretty much unable to talk to me about my baby or celebrate how healthy he seemed to be and how great I was feeling. Even though she wasn't the bereaved mom, "just" an aunt, she went to a very dark place and had to deal with all kinds of rage and fear and do the whole grieving thing.

And I didn't mind. I understood that where she was at emotionally and where I was at emotionally were just not compatible places, and that she would be back in my life and involved with the baby as soon as she could. I'm sure that your friends who recently delivered will welcome you into their babies' lives with open arms whenever you are ready for that."

Anyhow. As I get near term, my friend whose SIL lost her baby at term isn't calling or emailing like my other friends. Obviously, the closer I get the more fearful I get that my baby will die in the same way, and she's the person I'd most like to vent to, but I don't want to torture her with it if she can't deal, YKWIM? Should I just leave her be?

[ksjhwkr]

Originally Posted by Smithie

Obviously, the closer I get the more fearful I get that my baby will die in the same way, and she's the person I'd most like to vent to, but I don't want to torture her with it if she can't deal, YKWIM? Should I just leave her be?

Smithie,

It is so hard. I am the type of person that it helps me to talk to others, to help them. But, I do know how hard it is. I have a good friend whose little girl was in the hospital for about a month. She was in the PICU. We talked a lot about death while she was there and were both preparing for the death of her daughter. Well, her daughter is home now, doing better. She is terminally ill, so her time will come, just not now. The hard thing for me was the jealousy I felt. I wanted to go to the hospital with my baby and bring her home. I didn't get to. So, here's my point...your friend may be like me in both ways. She may be more than willing to talk to you about your fears, but realize when your baby lives, she may also be very jealous. It's a catch 22.
That said, I would call her and talk to her if I were you. Tell her that you know how hard things must be for her. Ask her if you can talk to her about some of the fears you have and ask her to be VERY honest with you. If she can't talk to you about it, you can pm me, I am here anytime you need to talk. It is hard, it is scary. When you know that it has happened to someone else, it makes it so much more real, like it's a real possiblity. to you, let me know if I can help you.

[eilonwy]

I know this thread is kind of old, but is anyone still around?

I worked really hard not to get overly worried about these things, but now that Rivkah is here and she's sick, I find myself wondering how I'll deal with it if we do lose her. How will we explain it to Eli? How many times will I be forced to recount the entire story to well-meaning friends and relatives who just don't get it?

We're really hoping that she'll be fine, and live a long and healthy and productive life with little in the way of intervention, but when we're honest with ourselves, Mike and I have to admit that we'll both just be really happy if Rivkah doesn't need dialysis or a kidney transplant. I don't even know if worrying that we'll lose her is a valid fear, because I don't actually know what's wrong with her, only that something *is* wrong. I feel like on one hand, I should be prepared for the worst, but on the other I should think optimistically. It's a fine line to walk.

[jaredsmom]

Rynna,

I'm so sorry to hear about this. Do you know what is wrong with Rivkah? I know that I always worry about my little ones. Okay, sometimes they're more like paranoias, that some sort of horrible harm is going to come to them. But I try to delete/cancel those thoughts. But I digress. It seems there is truely something happening with your little bean.

to you and your family. And positive healing/healthy vibes to your little girl!

[ksjhwkr]

Ryanna,

I haven't been around in a while, we've had family in town and have just been so busy. So, I don't know what is going on with Rivkah. I do know how hard it is to lose a child, I also know the fears I have of losing another.
I pray that you will never know what it is like to bury your own child. However, if it comes to that, I will be here for you. Just know that you are in my thoughts.