6yr old dd with separation anxiety

[bandzsmom]

First of all I have to say that I have been a reader of these forums for some time and have really enjoyed them. I'm a brand new member Yay! and have a serious concern with my just turned 6yr old dd. She has severe separation anxiety (only from me) and freaks out if I even leave the room. She is constantly checking on me even at home by calling out "mama!" in areally worried way or running out of the bathroom with her pants around her ankles because she felt like I had left her even though I just told her I was gouing to throw a load of laundry in the washer. We have been AP all the way since her birth, nursed for four plus yrs, cosleeping still most of the time(except when she decides to sleep in her own bed-her choice), carried around in a sling until my stomach got too big with ds. I'm really at a loss, because she seemed to be on the path to independence, we could leave her with her grandmother so dhand I could attend Bradley when she was two with no prob, she could stay for an hr or so with dad while I went to excersise class or run an errand at age 4,etc. But about a yr into the class, she would freak out so bad that she would throw up and then eventually fall asleep from crying so badly when I was gone for an hr! I gave up the class to try to ride it out, but it's just gotten worse. Now that I'm with her 24/7 , she gets upset when she doesn't recognize the way when we're driving , when a bee flies by, etc. It is severe. I am trying to remain calm. It's hard. My pediatricianthinks she needs a shrink, my mom thinks it's our fault for never leaving her, and in laws think it's the AP bs as they call it! Help! I do have some really good friends supporting me but even they are giving us sideglances now when she has on of her fits at playgroup. Thanks for any input!

[leafylady]

I don't have any experience with this issue, but here's my two cents.
Blaming, like your mom is doing, does nobody any good. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things.
I think your pediatrician might be right. It would not hurt to have your daughter evaluated by a well trained, experienced, pediatric psychiatrist, who can tell if your daughter has any type of obsessive compulsive or other brain chemical type of disorders that could be causing this behavior.
Make sure the psychiatrist is open to AP and will not immediately blame this on you. You want someone who can look at the whole picture, including possible neurological (brain, medical) causes.

[Jillby]

I have no answer for you just wanted to sympathize! My son is a little over four and still has his " nums" all the time.He does exactly the same things!! I have a hard time going to the bathroom and usually have to specify where it is I am going. like the garage for laundry, out to get the mail,etc.
He is not so bad when my dd is home with him.she will be six this summer. but he still has to check up on me every few minutes. very tiring as I am pregnant again and I seem to get frustrated with him very easily now. we can't go over to friends houses for too long or he will start saying"homey,iwant to go homey!" and he will just not let up. I don't know what to do either. hopefully someone has advice for you..... sorry i vented on your thread
jill

[khrisday]

Yeah I have to agree with poster number one, your daughter sounds like she may have some isues that need professional help. It's a difficult thing to come to terms with, I had to do it with my son- he's 6 and suffers from anxiety, OCD symptoms, and depression, but finding a good counselor and a doctor who is knowledgeable in this field was a big help for oour family.

[bandzsmom]

Thanks for the support . Khris, if you don't mind sharing, what were the reccomendations by the dr for your son? I've read quite a bit on the subject, but am really confused by all of the suggested ways to deal with anxietiy disorders, depression and the like. She just seems so unhappy with the world and there's nothing I can say or do to help her at this point. We have our good days and bad days as well as good moments and bad moments but it would help to talk with someone that has been there perhaps.

[Alexander]

Originally posted by bandzsmom
my mom thinks it's our fault for never leaving her, and in laws think it's the AP bs as they call it!

That's nuts.

AP may be the only thing that is providing a cushion for whatever she is going through.

When I was a child, a cousin went through the same thing, (though not so bad). She would not stay in Kinda for more than an hour tops, and the staff would ring her mum to pick her up because it was just too much.)

So. She didn't go to school. And guess what? She grew out of it.

Maybe if you deluge her with even more attention, cuddles, love, and joint activities, she'll get more secure, and make a break for freesom!

a

Edited to add:

Have you moved, divorced or other fundamental change?

a

[bandzsmom]

I appreciate the support. It's really hard sometimes to give her even more attention, because my reserves are getting low, I think. I mean, I don't know that there is a person on this earth that could fill up her need for it. Perhaps I have been a bit more distracted lately because it felt like I could get more done. The three yr old plays on his own a lot, and she was too so I started doing more cleaning, phone calls, reading, whatever I could squeeze in. Perhaps my expectations of her have been changed and now she needs to regress to where she was. I do ask her when she starts melting if she needs my attention or to be left alone and sometimes that helps. She almost always picks the attention. I guess it's just my struggle to stop what I'm doing and just give it to her instead of putting her off. I really feel there's something more, so we made an appt. for Monday. Wish me luck. By the way, no changes, no divorce, move, etc. She does have a firefighter for a dad, though and his schedule is really weird what with his three jobs! He works a lot and it's hard to predict when he'll be home. This has been her whole life, though, not something new.

[khrisday]

Good luck- I will be blowing good thought syour way!

[bandzsmom]

OK, so we had the appt this morning and the therapist said some disturbing things. I have to say that dd really showed herself and was extremely demanding, shy ,angry,etc during the visit. Dr asked me more than once if this was typical. So Dr wants to not only see dd again with me, but also dh and myself, and me by myself!WHAT?!! She suspects that it's separation anxiety and possibly depression but she also stated that I have the power to change much of her behavior with mine. She stated that she feels Bailey has too much power in our family and she doesn't know what to do with it. All because I asked for a later appt because my kids had a hard time getting up this morning? or is she seeing something I'm not? As we were leaving she happened to mention that she thinks most of the issues are mine and not Bailey's. What is she seeing? I left feeling really horrible and guilty that I have just unfairly treated my child and ruined her because of the way I parent. We do set limits, we do have rules and consequenses for breaking them. Is this Dr seeing something that I just can't see or is she bashing the whole AP thing? I'm so confused and miserable. I know I have my own things to work on (who doesn't) but could I really be projecting this onto my child and making her so fearful and angry? Dr says it's unfair to make her think she is the center of the world, because real life is not like that, but she is (one of including ds) the center of our world. Is that wrong? I just needed to vent. I am going back next week, though, perhaps so she can get a better picture of it all.

[leafylady]

Are you seeing a therapist/psychologist or a psychiatrist? I really think you need to see a medical psychiatrist first to rule out the brain chemistry disorders. People with these disorders, like OCD, or clinical depression, do manage to control the household, because the disorders are serious illnesses.
Please get a second opinion from a medical pediatric psychiatrist, if that is not what you have already seen.
Try not to be afraid of a medical diagnosis or even behavioral if that is what it turns out to be. Maybe it's a combination, and can be treated with a combination of therapies.