getting depressed

[asherah]

My ds is colicky and he screams eight hours a day.
My breasts are huge, rock-hard and painful.
I am miserable, crying all the time and afraid to be alone with my baby.
His screaming makes me want to withdraw from him, because I can't do anything to stop it or to help him.
DH doesn't seem to mind holding him while he shrieks, but I just fall to pieces.
Oh, and I feel guilty saying this but I hate bf-ing. I hate these huge breasts, hate the constant pain and the pumping and the cold packs and the hot packs.
I feel myself sliding into a huge, dark depression and I am not sure what to do. I don't want to go back on anti-depressants.. my sex drive is low now.. medication will make it non-existant and my marriage is under enough strain as it is.
Are there any support groups or other resources for people like me?
I am afraid because I am too miserable to bond with my babe and be a good mother.

[tracymom]

YOU ARE A GOOD MOM

Because you are worried about being a good mom. That's the light at the end of the tunnel - keep your eyes on it!

That said, yeah, I think there are resources. You might check with your doctor or midwife about support groups for PPD.

Here's an anecdote about enjoying nursing: I don't think I started really enjoying nursing until my DS was about 9 months old. He had finally started gaining weight, was good at letting me know when he needed more to eat, and I didn't have to worry about supply so much. Ironically, it's about the time "people" started asking when I planned to wean. Go figure.

So don't worry about not enjoying it. I don't know anybody who likes feeding a pump or having to use packs or any of that stuff. And colicky babies are never easy; tincture of time is the only cure for them. (I'm a medical transcriptionist who types for a pediatric GI doctor, and he says a full 50% of babies have simple reflux which makes them colicky and generally is not very treatable, or at least you don't want to treat it with drugs. So take some heart in the fact that you are not alone.) But when you are walking the floor with a screaming little one, it feels like the lonliest job in the world.



Best,

[asherah]

Well it turns out I do have ppd.
I am getting cognitive therapy and may start meds.
There is a Dr. here in Atlanta who is considered an expert on ppd.. conducting long-terms studies on it.. I am going to see his partner next week, and I may become part of the study.

I guess I am posting for two reasons.. I'd like to hear from anyone who nursed and took an SSRI (prozac, paxil, zoloft). Was it ok? Did it help?

I guess I also wanted to support others who wonder if they have ppd. Mine started at about two weeks post partum as fear and anxiety. It got worse..
now at 9 weeks I am having serious problems bonding with my babe. My marriage is struggling because I can't tune into my love for DH. I can't feel much of anything, actually.. just kind of numb, sleeping all the time, hating myself, berating myself for not losing pregnancy weight, feeling like my son and husband would be better off if I just disappeared. Wishing I WOULD just disappear. Thinking I had no business having a child and that my son hates me.

My point is.. if you are having thoughts like these, get help. Because they get worse unless you do. I thought I could just shake it off, but I absolutely couldn't. I know I can be treated. And I am getting help before I do something really self-destructive, or damage my marriage/relationship with ds beyond repair.
It is hard.

Thanks for reading this.

[Wildflower]

((((Asherah))) I'm sending you lots of love and light. I'm so glad you got diagnosed and are getting help. You'll get through this. I had a bit of ppd for three months and it was horrible and confusing. Take good, sweet, careful, loving care of yourself!!!

[gabner]

I'm glad you are getting help. Zoloft and Paxil are OK for breastfeeding - don't feel bad about them at all. The amount that is in breastmilk is extremely small and these are the recommended medications for breastfeeding mothers.
www.aafp.org/afp/20010701/119.html

Have you read The Postpartum Survival Guide? It is excellent.

Call a LLL Leader about breastfeeding. I'm not sure why you are pumping and using hot and cold compresses???? If you can't find a local Leader try calling the Leader on call at 1-800-LALECHE at night or on the weekends. These Leaders are very dedicated and experienced with phone helping. I can't imagine why you would need to be pumping and using hot and cold compresses at 9 weeks. Ten minutes talking with a Leader could make a big difference.

[asherah]

oh thanks... the bf-ing thing is under control now.
Lots of plugged ducts at first unfortunately.
Then a foremilk-hindmilk imbalance, (green poop!) and I got engorged alternating sides trying to sort it out.
Things are better with that now.
But going though that while depressed was awful.. I almost stopped bf-ing but I didn't and I am soooo glad.
One less thing to feed my depression!
My appointment with the specialist is Monday the 15-th. I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait to take the bloody pills!!!

[Els' 3 Ones]

((((asherah)))))

Our best wishes and love go with you everyday.

We've been there and back and fully understand what you are experiencing.

I think it's great that you are sharing it here. It may encourage others to do the same and at the very least will help some to know they are not alone.