What do you say when people criticize your homebirth plans?

[~lapetitesirene~]

Ugh...I am planning a VBAC (at home). I am tired of people saying things like "but it is so much safer at the hospital." "you need to think of your safety" blah blah blah.

What do you say? They all pretend like they are more worried because of my VBAC status, but I know no one would support a home birth either.

now, i know they haven't done the research that i have done.I know their frame of reference is so different than mine, but I am so sick of people talk to me like I am acting irresponsibly because i am not making their safe plans for my birth. Since when is a hospital a guarantee of safety? i am an R.N. for goodness sake. I know darn well, what people in hospitals are capable of. And g-d like powers are not in their set of skills.

i do quote the statistics etc, but it falls on deaf ears.

well, maybe this is more of a vent than anything. But, if anyone wants to say anything about this, i would love to talk about it

[cottonwood]

Well, I have to admit I have gotten snarky about it. I have said things like, "you insult me by assuming that my first priority *isn't* safety, and that I haven't put any thought or research into this and am just doing this on a whim. Have *you* done any research? No? Because when you do, I'll be happy to talk about it with you, but until then I am not going to tolerate ignorant comments about how irresponsible I am." Or smug and condescending: "I appreciate your concern, but I have done the research and you haven't, and trust me, you don't know what you're talking about. And until you do some research and can discuss this intelligently, the subject is closed."

I don't try to introduce statistics or logic or anything. I just put the ball in their court, and let me tell you it shuts them up fast, because they don't have any idea what to do with it. I think you can even get that message across in a much nicer way, and that would probably be even better, in terms of keeping the peace. I just personally always feel compelled to let people know when I'm offended.

I think it has a lot to do with how you present yourself when you're talking about it, too. If you quiet down and look miserable, they interpret that as you being unsure, so they keep at you. If you come off as confident, they're more likely to leave you alone.

[Mom2baldie]

I havent really told many people IRL that Im having a homebirth, so I havent been criticized. If someone did say something to me about it, my response would be something like "Where did you find this information at?" or something like that... When I was planning my 1st VBAC, no one (friends and family)even knew what that was. No one knew enough to say "isnt that dangerous?" or whatever... Honestly that was just as bad, because I wanted to be able to talk with people who knew how hard a cesarean is and what it means to have a VBAC and here every time I even brought it up people would say "whats a VBAC again?"

Ive kindof gotten to the point where I just dont see any reason to try to educate others. If people cant do their own research and make their own decisions, thats their problem... I try not to be around people like that, which has been hard because they make up a large portion of the people I know.

Anyways, I dont feel that you should have to explain yourself to people at all....

[sistermama]

I learned really fast the first time I was pregnant just to make it obvious that what I decided wasn't up for debate - having dh feel the same way really helped out too. You need two sides to have a debate, and if you aren't arguing with someone, they hush up real quick. I don't have time to educate people anymore, I've spent enough of my life already feeling like I needed to.

[~lapetitesirene~]

yeah, I feel like i am wasting my time educating. the unfortunate part of all of this is that one of the people who supports me most..is like a mother to me here in New Zealand...is worried. And her daughter in law is a physician who lives up the street from me : I really think that she is a good physician, but she is against home birthing VBACS(not VBACS in a hospital)And my friend takes everything her DIL says as gospel...as she is a veery good physician. so you see...that is why i cared at all. So they are after me to birth in the hospital...I told them no way-unless there is an indications, a problem...whatever. I think they are going to drop it, however, it makes socializing until i give birth a just a little uncomfortable...but not awful.

My own mother is against it as well...but I can blow her off because I am in New Zealand and she is in Los Angeles. And I have a rule with her-she can tell me her opinion once, and that is it : )

I just get so sick of people in general thinking that their way of life is somehow safer or better than yours...i mean...hosptials are guarantees of safety, control and good outcomes -right?

Anywhoo..thanks for the input-it does help to hear from others who have walked in my shoes a bit.

[chocomoto]

I avoided altogether trying to convince other people that I was making the right choice but just not talking about it. I told people only afterwards.

It was my choice and I just didn't feel like discussing it with anyone.

[adventuregirl]

I haven't had any opposition yet, but I fear the day may be near... My in-laws don't know yet, and I am not quite sure what their reaction will be. I am sure they do not know anyone who has homebirthed other than their grandparents and you know where that all leads. What frustrates me is that my decisions are very well thought out and researched, where people who oppose just think you are reckless. If I just shut my mouth and did what everybody else did, I would be making the best decisions for me and my baby? I think not.

My dh and I both take the approach that changing our minds is not an option. So that could be why the most unsupportive comment we've had has been "Oh". But I am a little nervous about some people finding out. I won't lie about it, but also won't say unless I'm asked. So glad the ones I worry about are thousands of miles away, might not come up if we are lucky.

[wardermom]

When I was planning my first homebirth (2nd child), I didn't tell family until after she was born. Now they just know our babies are born at home. I don't ask their opinion I just do. Of course, I'm lucky that was since everyone lives in Ontario and we're in BC, too far away to meddle.
As for friends, they didn't really say anything negative.
I guess I've been pretty lucky.
Everyone knows I'm different, and do things my way, not the mainstream way.

[indiana ima]

Originally Posted by wardermom

When I was planning my first homebirth (2nd child), I didn't tell family until after she was born. Now they just know our babies are born at home. I don't ask their opinion I just do. ...

That's similar to our story. My oldest was born in the hospital. I was increasingly interested in home birth as that pregnancy progressed, but my husband was adamantly opposed. He was just too scared of it and so the baby was born in the hospital. And the hospital was perfectly adequate. Actually, it was a great place to recuperate from a first birth, though the birth itself was kind of annoying. Getting there (40 minutes in the car in heavy-duty, barely-able-to-speak labor) really STANK, and then the nurses were really annoying - wed to hospital protocol on such dumb little things, like telling me I had to wear a hospital gown. Like I wanted to take off my clothes and then put something else on! I wasn't going to do anything that wasn't a physical imperative!

Anyway, the absolute worst part was that since I was damn near done giving birth, those nurses just couldn't handle how fast I was going. They kept being shocked at my progression. When my son was about to crown, and the Doctor called to the two nurses to come assist her, they were shocked again (sigh, what idjits) and they ran. Rushing from opposite sides of the room, they hit the instrument cart. Something glass fell, shattered, and made a loud sound. The doctor, being human, turned to look and BOOM! -- I tore. Second degree, even. The doctor even admitted to the midwife/doula that it happened that way. I tore a little in the very same place when my <older> daughter was born, so it was almost certainly due to the scar tissue from the first tear.
(Can anyone say "iatrogenic"? )

Anyway, it was a great place to recover, at least. The recovery nurses were great, everyone was really knowledgeable about breastfeeding, we had nice visitors and none of them stayed too long, and the baby could room in OR go to the nursery as much as we wanted. But most of that was completely beside the point for a second birth, so why go back?

Anyway, my beloved father is a family physician - very old school though, meaning house calls, very slow to medicate, despises insurance/HMO's, etc, and did most of his baby-catching in the 70's, so he isn't all excited about epidurals and stuff. But he was nonetheless scared of home birth. My Mom, unsurprisingly for a math teacher, just sort of assumes my father's opinions about such things and also loves to panic and worry. And they live a 17 hour drive away. So we just, umm, well we lied, really. I mean, I tried to keep the actual incorrect information to a minimum, but we sure as heck didn't tell them our true plans until those plans had come to fruition. It didn't help at all that direct entry midwifery is illegal here in Indiana. I didn't want anyone calling the police on my midwife! So after the birth my husband called my parents to tell them that she was here, and just told them right then that we just never left the house, the midwife came to us, and everything - most especially the baby girl - was perfect. and they coped quite admirably.

Mom latest sort of asked/stated to me that "you didn't tell me because you didn't want me to be scared, right?" And I affirmed that she was exactly right.

This time they've brought it up tentatively and know we plan to do the same thing again. And they seem to be coping admirably again, and aren't offering up even a molecule of criticism or trying to get us to move back to a hospital birth. And I am DEEPLY grateful. I want them to visit a second time before the birth - and they plan to - and not rehashing this fruitlessly makes the visit much nicer!

Instead we fruitlessly rehash other attachment parenting stuff. Like co-sleeping, tandem nursing... sigh.

Anyway, after this last baby is born I will be more interested in arguing my other, crazier relatives to the virtual floor about home birth, but right now no argument is a good argument. I SO do not have the energy for it. And luckily, in this town, and with my parents and friends, no one is batting an eyelash. Whew.

My heavens, this has certainly turned into a book!

Well, the thread had really quieted down, anyway, so I hope this will encourage more posts!