Raising Boys: Why boys are different - and how to help them become happy and

[dallaschildren]

well-balanced men by: Steve Biddulph.
I saw a few threads regarding the topic of boys and coincidentally I just purchased the book entitled above. I am on Chapter 2 and so far it's very good. I am a mom to 2 boys and think about how I have raised them thus far and what I can do to make sure they are happy healthy and respectable men later in life. It is my responsiblity and one I don't take lightly.

[guestmama9924]

It is my responsiblity and one I don't take lightly

Sounds like an inspiring book . I have been reading Raising Daughters and am learning so much from that book too. My hope is that our generation of mothers raises kids who FINALLY break the cycles of hate and violence and destruction all over the world and to each other.

[guerrillamama]

i read "raising cain" and liked it ok but found it pretty superficial. does this one go deeper?

[dallaschildren]

Originally Posted by guerrillamama

i read "raising cain" and liked it ok but found it pretty superficial. does this one go deeper?

I am only on Chapter 2 but so far so good. I personally like it because it speaks to me and not "at" me..KWIM? It is also not so "scientific" as others I have checked out.
Here are the chapters...

1 What is it with boys?
2 The three stages of boyhood
3 Testosterone!
4 How boy's and girl's brains differ
5 What Dads can do (LOVE the title of this chapter)
6 Mothers and Sons
7 Developing a healthy sexuality
8 A revolution in schooling
9 Boys and sports
10 A community challenge

HTH....

[zinemama]

I found "Raising Cain" to be pretty scary - it made it seem like the future for my (at the time) baby ds was one big world of horrid emotional abuse from other boys, feelings of worthlessness, and violence. Then I calmed down and realized that the authors were drawing their conclusions from their psychology practices in which they see boys who already have problems, and drawing conclusions about boys in general. Not that a lot of what they said didn't have merit, just that I think it was maybe too emphasized.

I read "Raising Boys" at around the same time (4 years ago), so if memory isn't totally accurate, forgive me, but I really took exception to Biddulph's chapter on fathers. As I recall, he does this little description of Dad out in the living room, reading the paper, Mom in the kitchen asking Boy to do his chores. Boy gives her some backtalk, and Dad, who has been listening, comes on in to handle things. "Dad has been waiting for this moment since he became a father," says Biddolph. "Now is the time for him to let Boy know that We Men Don't Disrespect Women!"

Well, wtf??! I mean, what has Dad supposed to have been doing for the previous 14 years? Hasn't he been showing this by example? And where does this leave Mom? Saved by Dad? Isn't a grown woman able to articulate to a disrespectful adolescent what sort of behaviour is acceptable? And what about single mamas - where is this scenario supposed to leave them? I don't know, it just left me feeling irked.

[dallaschildren]

Hmmm Zinemama...have to get to that chapter b4 I comment. That does sound kind of cliche.....

[oceanbaby]

Never read the book, but I certainly don't like the name of Chapter 1. Sounds like the book starts with the assumption that there is something 'with' boys that needs to be addressed or fixed.

[guerrillamama]

Originally Posted by zinemama

I read "Raising Boys" at around the same time (4 years ago), so if memory isn't totally accurate, forgive me, but I really took exception to Biddulph's chapter on fathers. As I recall, he does this little description of Dad out in the living room, reading the paper, Mom in the kitchen asking Boy to do his chores. Boy gives her some backtalk, and Dad, who has been listening, comes on in to handle things. "Dad has been waiting for this moment since he became a father," says Biddolph. "Now is the time for him to let Boy know that We Men Don't Disrespect Women!"

oooooh, that makes me pretty mad. i think i will skip this book.

know what i REALLY want? a book about raising an anti-sexist boy. personally i am terrified for my son - b/c i believe he is going to have to deal with a world like the one described in Raising Cain (yes, it was a pretty negative picture, but from what i hear from my guy friends i think it's true, the world of boys is often very cruel and hierarchical and violent) ... but also b/c the rest of the world is going to try very hard to shape him into the kind of man who doesn't respect and value women. i cannot by myself fight against all the forces of socialization, even if i were the perfect enlightened anti-sexist being myself. (just a word on vocab: i am using the term "anti-sexist" rather than "feminist" to be a little more specific. by anti-sexist i mean recognizing a system/structure of patriarchy at work in this society and actively engaging in a struggle to undo it. many people would define "feminist" the same way, but many people have a broader definition of feminist, so.)

i don't know, i feel there are so few good role models out there of men who go against the patriarchal grain, yknow? it scares me.

sorry dallaschildren, i don't mean to hijack. just my thoughts on the special challenges of females raising males...

ETA: Raising Cain did include 1 very paltry chapter addressing sexism. I didn't get anything out of that chapter that I hadn't already thought of, to death.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by dallaschildren

well-balanced men by: Steve Biddulph.
I saw a few threads regarding the topic of boys and coincidentally I just purchased the book entitled above. I am on Chapter 2 and so far it's very good. I am a mom to 2 boys and think about how I have raised them thus far and what I can do to make sure they are happy healthy and respectable men later in life. It is my responsiblity and one I don't take lightly.

Let me know what this book has to say about circumcision, if anything.

[farmer mama]

What about Raising a Son by Jeanne and Don Elium. They also have a good book called Raising a Daughter.

[tracymom]

I enjoyed the book "The Little Boy Book."

The authors have some good suggestions. I liked the fact that they pointed out that boys' brains are truly biologically different from girls. That rush of testosterone in utero shapes their brains and makes them "think like boys." Not all sterotypes are grounded in fiction. It's just something to keep in mind as you help try to shape them and help them cope with the world around them.

[Sustainer]

I don't think boys are different. I think boys and girls should be raised the same way.

[guerrillamama]

Originally Posted by SBF

I don't think boys are different. I think boys and girls should be raised the same way.

i would wholeheartedly agree w/ you if society treated boys and girls the same. but it doesn't. so i need to prepare my ds to cope with the violence and insensitivity he will be subjected to as a male, as well as to reject the privilege which he will be given.

i don't actually know, and we may never know, how much of the boy/girl differences are nature vs nurture, nor do i care. to the extent that differences result in inequality, they have to be acknowledged and dealt w/ head-on in order to get closer to equality. i don't want my ds to walk around like so many men w/ his head up his ass. i want him to understand what it means to be a man in this culture, and to strive to make something better.

[tracymom]

Originally Posted by SBF

I don't think boys are different. I think boys and girls should be raised the same way.

I used to feel the same way. Now I feel that this is not true. They are biologically different. I don't know either how much is nurture, but I do feel quite strongly that it is NOT 100% nurture. Some of it is just plain nature and testosterone exposure in utero.

My boys have "babies" and trucks. DS1 loved his baby dearly and carried it around. He "nursed" it when I nursed DS2. However, he loves trucks and trains and all "boy" things. I bought him a barbie to be friends with his GI joe and he never touched her. In fact, he wanted to get rid of her, but I talked him out of it because he has girl friends who come over and who I pointed out liked Barbies and it would be nice to have one for them. I also pointed out that didn't he think GI Joe would like to have girl friends like he does?

[pie]

I am wondering what you base your opinion on re boys and girls being the same? Do you have a boy and a girl? How old are they? What about the inherent differences boys and girls display? Will you prohibit a girl gravitating toward girl things as she ages and a boy doing the same? What about things like drafts when the boys are older? Rape as the girls are older? Motherhood and fatherhood? The views of society on the differences between the sexes? The biological differences?

I used to think along those lines too but as my boy ages I see there is no way to keep him gender neutral. He tells his girl cousins, "Sorry you can't see my superman it's a boy toy." I certainly NEVER taught him to behave that way. Somewhere, something or someone DID. Thankfully years of what I attribute to attachment have made him NOT want to hurt people, so when I tell him,"No, girls can play with boy toys and boys can play with girl toys, just like grownups can do," he is willing to share. But it's like this instinct, just like imitating karate and more forcefully exploring the concepts of what violence means than girls I know his age.

Thank god I have a gentle soul for a child, because I believe boys are under tremendous amounts of pressure to be both good and bad, both tough and soft, and it's harrowing to consider, as a woman, what he will face as an adult.

I take my boy raising seriously as well.

[Sustainer]

Originally Posted by pie

I am wondering what you base your opinion on re boys and girls being the same?

Partly from my observation and analysis of other people, partly from my understanding of my own mind, which follows male and female stereotypes equally, and partly from logical deductions about the human species that are difficult to explain.

Originally Posted by pie

Do you have a boy and a girl? How old are they?

I have one of each. My daughter is 3 1/2. My son is only 3 months, but when I was 8 years old my aunt moved in with us, and then had two children, a girl and a boy, and I was basically their second mother.

Originally Posted by pie

What about the inherent differences boys and girls display?

I have not observed any. I have observed some stereotypical differences that are clearly the result of society's influence. I am convinced that if it were not for society's influence, girls and boys would act exactly the same.

Originally Posted by pie

Will you prohibit a girl gravitating toward girl things as she ages and a boy doing the same?

If my daughter happened to like something that's considered stereotypically female, I would assume that it is a coincidence, and I would not discourage it. Same for my son.

Originally Posted by pie

What about things like drafts when the boys are older? Rape as the girls are older? Motherhood and fatherhood? The views of society on the differences between the sexes? The biological differences?

Do you mean the military draft? I think I'll escape the country during the years my son could be drafted. I will warn both of my children about sexual and physical assault, and they will both learn Karate. I don't think I have to instruct my children about motherhood and fatherhood, they can observe it for themselves. I will try to explain gender stereotypes to them so they can resist them. They will both receive a thorough sex education.

Originally Posted by pie

But it's like this instinct, just like imitating karate and more forcefully exploring the concepts of what violence means than girls I know his age.

I studied Karate as a child. I was the best in my class. I still have an instinct for it. I am always having urges to practice it. Sometimes I even have violent urges, and fantasies about beating up bad guys.

Originally Posted by pie

I believe boys are under tremendous amounts of pressure to be both good and bad, both tough and soft, and it's harrowing to consider, as a woman, what he will face as an adult.

Society places enormous pressure on both boys and girls. It expects different things of each of them, but it expects a lot of both of them.

[Irishmommy]

Moving this to Parenting Issues...

[pie]

Originally Posted by SBF

Partly from my observation and analysis of other people, partly from my understanding of my own mind, which follows male and female stereotypes equally, and partly from logical deductions about the human species that are difficult to explain.



I have one of each. My daughter is 3 1/2. My son is only 3 months, but when I was 8 years old my aunt moved in with us, and then had two children, a girl and a boy, and I was basically their second mother.


I have not observed any. I have observed some stereotypical differences that are clearly the result of society's influence. I am convinced that if it were not for society's influence, girls and boys would act exactly the same.


If my daughter happened to like something that's considered stereotypically female, I would assume that it is a coincidence, and I would not discourage it. Same for my son.


Do you mean the military draft? I think I'll escape the country during the years my son could be drafted. I will warn both of my children about sexual and physical assault, and they will both learn Karate. I don't think I have to instruct my children about motherhood and fatherhood, they can observe it for themselves. I will try to explain gender stereotypes to them so they can resist them. They will both receive a thorough sex education.


I studied Karate as a child. I was the best in my class. I still have an instinct for it. I am always having urges to practice it. Sometimes I even have violent urges, and fantasies about beating up bad guys.


Society places enormous pressure on both boys and girls. It expects different things of each of them, but it expects a lot of both of them.

I wish you alot of luck and success raising your kids this way. I hope you keep a good journal because it's really interesting to me. I am sure it would be to many others.

I know society places pressure on both sexes. That's part of the problem with raising them exactly the same way. This thread was pertaining to boys though, and that's what vein I was in with my last statement there.

[farmer mama]

I think the regardless of the nature/nuture debate (both in my opinion, but I see an incredible amount of nature in both my kids, and I honor this in them), boys and girls are treated differently and have different expectations placed on them by society. Books mentioned above (I have only read Raising a Son so I can't comment on Raising Boys) are important because they help us be aware of these expectations and confines that are placed on our sons, to know what we are up against, as well as information to help us understand our sons better.

[pugmadmama]

Originally Posted by guerrillamama

...know what i REALLY want? a book about raising an anti-sexist boy. ....

The Courage to Raise Good Men by Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashbaum is the very best book I have ever read on that subject.

Basically, the authors argue that our society's pressuring of mothers (and fathers) into emotionally abandoning their sons (out of fear of making them "Mama's Boys" or gay) is at the root of a lot of problematic male behavior, including sexism and the perpetuation of the patriachy. Please note that the "blame" is not put on mothers (or fathers), but rather on society and the pressure that society puts on mothers (& fathers)