Help me out here!

[happyday8598]

I don't know how much I've really talked about this here, but I want to know what my rights are or if I have any rights.

Tim (Owen's father) is moving to IL (from NH, where his son lives) in April.

He says that he wants to have lots of contact and such and is going to court to set SOMETHING up.

There is no custody rights established between us.

I don't really (after A LOT of thought) feel comfortable with Owen leaving to be 1000 miles away from me for a week at a time for 4 weeks a year.

Call me a bitch or what not (bc you KNOW he does!) but I don't want him being that far away from me.

His father thinks he's going to be able to keep a close contact with Owen, and that's being 1000 MILES AWAY! He doesn't even have close contact NOW and he lives 20 MILES away!

What is this decision going to do to Owen? Tim vowed that Owen would never grow up feeling what Tim felt growing up after his parents allowed his grandparents to adopt him, and his parents moved to Milwaukee. I say this is the same thing, and it SUCKS that he's going to start this trend over and over again. HE says that I'm already "ruining" him bc of my co sleeping habits, and the fact that I have another baby from another man... (HE ALWAYS THROWS THIS INTO OUR ARGUMENTS!!!)

hhhhh. I don't know the point of this post... I just want to know what I can do to ensure that Owen's best interest is at heart. I know I *should* allow him to go to Chicago a couple of times a year, but don't think Tim is a capable parent... and think that bc TIM is CHOOSING to move out there, I shouldn't HAVE to allow Owen to leave me sometimes...

A VERY SAD, and feeling like a VERY bad mommy,
Emily

[BathrobeGoddess]

I wish I had some earth-shattering, wonderful news but I don't...just some support. I do understand how awful it feels to not really have the say when it comes to your children about this. Plus the court is lame! I hope he really doesn't follow through on filing something.

[stella]

sorry that you are going through this emily.
i don't know the laws in your state (i am just kind of learning them in mine). but anyhow, there are 2 things that come to mind reading your post. one is that it seems unlikely that a court would set up something that would have a 3 yr old traveling alone across country to stay away from his home for even a week at a time. especially since it is not as if tim is this huge presence in his life. second thing is a question re: child support. tim can't really claim much unless he is paying a court ordered amount of support (ie like 25% of his income). from what i know, he would not have much of a case if he is not doing his financial part as a father.(and even if he is!) to me it sounds like tim is saying these things partially to upset you. it just sounds a lot like what my dd's dad does all the time. honestly, i think the only projection i have is that a court could establish some kind of visitation where tim can come to see owen a couple of times a year, and not the other way around.
and truly you are not a bad mommy for worrying about your boy. i just don't get these dad's who want the rights but can't deal with the responsibility. it just makes me sick.
stella

[ediesmom]

Emily,

First off... has he told you for certain that he is going to court to get court ordered visits?

If he has, I believe the safest thing for you is to establish the custody issue first. YOU be the one to file the paperwork. At the court clerks office they SHOULD have packets made up for 'parental rights and responsibilities'. They are not TOO hard to fill out, and then the ball would be in your court.

If there is no agreement in place as to who has primary residence, his father could conceivably just take him (believe it or not).

It will be better for you to start the proceedings because if he starts the proceedings, claiming anything but "your truth", the court is likely to look at his side of the story as the 'right' one.

Hope this helps a little,

Randee

[TreeLove]

(((((((emily&owen)))))))

[fire]

My son's father has also the reputation of putting his rights before responsabilities and he has also threatened with court any time I 've tryed to access my authority coming from all the resposibility I own. He drinks alot and often refuses to see this as an issue but wanting me to make up for the responsability he lacks.It is alot easyer for them to hand over their ownership of unresponsability to a lawyer who will do all their defending. If you do choose court something I am not choosing because I do not fully trust or understand therefore am not willing to turn over to...Many people have suggested that I be the first to seek legal action but I see it as an attack and having it be more likely that he would become more bitter, more reason for him to keep believing I am doing all the things I am doing just to spite him. I'm not. I also know that he does care for his son and he struggles with his self image and his role. By saying that he's going to take you to court so he can be sure he'll see his son, he could be reminded that it's parts of him he must fight...that ultimately he has the choice to be with his son already. (if this is true). I do struggle everyday trying to see where my authority ends and his rights begin. I know it works better when they meld and we are both clear and receptive to both our rights and authority. Sounds almost simple on "paper".
It is definately hard for a nurturing mama to take a stands for her right to abuse free relationships and equally for a man to attain nurturing dad status when their has not been much to go on.
You can learn a little about the laws in family court services, women's shelters and other community programs.
We are lucky in many ways, one for the very small world we are blessed to have between ourselves and our sons.

[ThisBabyOfMine]

Child Support Versus Visitation

I don't know about now, but when I divorced 10 years ago, they told me that child support and visitation were two seperate issues and had nothing to do with each other. Maybe things have changed, but I know before that I was told that my ex could still get visitation even if he never paid a dime.

Anyone know if this is still true? I suppose it varies by state.

[Geee]

I feel for you. I'm going through a similar thing right now, and my baby is only 13 months.
I e-mailed a lawyer-mom who is a friend of a friend, for advice. I'll pass it on to you, if you'd like. I'm not sure when she'll reply (she might be away for the holidays), but I'll let you know!
That's the saddest part of being a single mom for me, having to fight with his father over "who gets what".
Be strong!