I feel unsafe in my own house because of my MIL

[Pynki]

I love my MIL.. She gets on my nerves, but I do love her like a mother.. She has known me since I was a child.. Now.. I feel like I have no mother anywhere at all..

My IL's don't think my house is clean enough.. Ever.. Period.. My MIL calls my dh after they visit to complain about the way our house is.. I whole-heartedly admit.. I am a bad house keeper.. Our house is messy.. We do not have old food all over the place or dirty dishes laying all over though.. I also have been having health issues.. Which she also didn't believe.. She thought I was "faking it for the attention.. " Turns out I wasn't which dh and I already knew..

Anyway.. After she came up for my ds1 gparents day at school she called my dh at work on Monday to complain about me yet again.. Dh is tired of it.. Who wants to hear their mate badmouthed 1st of all.. Then she said.. "well maybe it will take someone calling DHS on you to get her to clean the house.. " Silly us.. We took that as a threat.. Turns out it was.. She had BIL come up and "talk to us" about it.. He is on our side.. I don't believe DHS will be called.. I still have a huge ball of anxiety in my stomach and throat.. At odd times of the day, I will get that fluttery anxiety feeling for no reason..

I can't talk to her.. I can't believe she would even threaten that.. Anytime you call DHS there is a possibility our children could be taken from us.. Even in unfounded cases.. Which is what this is.. We have friends who are foster parents.. If our kids we in danger or in an abusive situation they would have to call DHS.. The kids aren't..

I waited to post this for a week because I was afraid you ladies would say.. Well maybe she has a point.. Maybe you are a bad mom.. MIL's who you have a good relationship with don't just decided to call DHS for no reason.. I am soo broken over this.. MIL is my surrogate mother.. My own mother is schizopherenic and bipolar.. It's a lovely combination.. I feel like i am losing my mother all over again.. (My mother isn't dead or anything, but you try having a relationship with her.. She's unmedicated.. )

I wrote MIL a letter laying out all the stuff and all the judgements she has made about me and us as a family over the last 5 years and mailed it to her.. I haven't heard from her.. I don't think I could talk to her right now anyway.. I am soo sad, and mad and angry, and hurt...And any number of feelings I can't even put a name to.. I wrote that I have held her in love, and she has held me in judgement.. That is totally what I feel like.. I held her next to my heart, and she held me up for inspections and found me lacking..

I am in fear for my family.. I clean when I am scared.. I am scared now.. I am ironing clothes to get the feeling of dread out of my throat.. I am washing down sinks out of fear.. And instead of making me feel better, it makes me feel worse.. Like she is somehow winning because of her threat.. I know she loves our boys, but I do not feel safe with her, or with her having them at their house..

They disregard rules we make for them to have our ds 1 and 2.. They have kept my 4 and 5 yr old up until 1 am when we ask them to make sure they are in bed by 10.. They go to bed no later than 9 here..

She just thinks we are bad parents i think which really hurts.. We love the boys.. I am a SAHM.. They always have clean clothes, and good food.. They are well taken care of.. Their needs are met.. They get medical care when they need it.. I just don't understand..

My only thought is that she thinks she would get custody of the boys if DHS took them away... The fact is however that I would request for one of my friends who is a liscensed foster parent to have them.. And she is sooo angry with my MIL right now she is about ready to spit..

I guess i just needed to vent.. I am not prone to anxiety or depression.. This has made me soo anxious though, it's not funny.. I hate this feelings.. I just want it to go away, and sadly.. I wish she was never part of my family now..

Sadly..

Dyan

[thirtycats]

I am thinking that if you do not have old food lying around or dirty dishes, your house is about as messy as most houses in the world.

Your MIL needs to get a life. Next time she makes some comment about how messy your house is, maybe you can say something like "Yes, I'm not a good housekeeper. It's never been my strong point. I'm much better at the mothering stuff. Since you are such a wonderful housekeeper, do you think you can come over once a week and help me clean? I'd really appreciate it!"

Dina

[hunnybumm]

I really feel for you momma. Your house sounds a lot like mine. I am by far not a good house keeper, well I was when I was 8 - 9 months pregnant and nesting. :LOL But like you, we don't have a filty house but we do have clutter that just slowly adds up until I feel the house is "filty" but it really is just empty CD packages, baby clothes, clean clothes that need to be folded etc. If someone where to come over I would probably be embaressed but it is definitly far from neglect.

What I would do if I where in your shoes was to not let your MIL come over, period. If she drops by unexpected tell her (through the door if you have to) that now is not a good time. I don't know what kind of woman she is, but maybe this will make her think about her judgements before she comes over. I am pretty blessed as far as ILs go so I don't know from personal experiece but I have a grandmother who is about the same as your IL. If she saw my house right now she would probably tell my whole family (behind my back of course) that we are neglecting our house bla bla bla.

As long as you know that you have a healthy and loving place for your children that is what is most important. I don't think that this is your fault at all, especialy with you having health issues. and I hope you can figure something out.

[Justice2]

First Pynki, I want to offer s. Second (and this may not be the popular opinion) I say, if it's within your ability to do so....MOVE. I know that you love this woman like she was your own mother, but really, she is threatening all that you hold dear. Why? Because you don't have a 'white glove house'? This also doesn't sound like a problem that just recently started happening. It sounds as if she has been treating you this way for quite some time. It's hard enough being a mother and wife, without having to break your back to please someone who is NEVER going to be pleased. She doesn't live with you. She doesn't pay your bills, or feed your family. Her opinion (but sadly, it's come to more than that) SHOULD NOT MATTER. How does your dh feel about her threat?

I am so very, very sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I am telling you though...if my OWN mother pulled this kind of crap I'd be outta here faster that you can imagine...oh wait, I AM GETTING OUTTA HERE. She is one of the main reasons why.....

[Greaseball]

No, I wouldn't let her come by either. And I would only do extra cleaning if it's what you wanted to do. You said you had health issues; can dh take over the cleaning for awhile until you are well?

I do leave dirty dishes out, and sometimes food gets left out overnight. If anyone used that to try and get my kids away from me, it would be the last thing they ever did. Your house has to be exceptionally unsafe for them to take kids away in the absence of abuse.

[Justice2]

Yeah, Greaseball, that is what I was thinking too..."God help the fool...."

[Evergreen]

s


I am sure everything will be fine. The liscensed foster parent friend sounds like a good ally right now, but I will wager that nothing will come of this.

However, that doesn't address the issue of you losing a mother yet again. I am so sorry to hear about this. It must be really rough on you right now. I hope your letter is a way to smooth things over for the time being.

Hope you feel better soon.

[captain optimism]

I think you did the RIGHT THING in writing your MIL a letter. That was great. Your next step is going to be to phone her, but after a week or so has passed and you are calmer. You shouldn't have to lose your relationship with her over the state of your house. My MIL thinks our house is appalling, my mother thinks so too, even my dad is aghast at the state of our bathroom.

Remember that most of the moms in that generation stuck their babies in playpens or cribs and cleaned the house around them. My MIL can't understand why we don't just put the baby in a playpen and "get things done." They don't get the idea of making the baby come first--even though, as grandparents, they are crazy about our babies. Having a messy house is actually a sign that you are probably a GREAT mom, because you are putting the children before your house.

At least, I hope so.

This is a normal conflict to have with a parent or IL. The not normal part is threatening to call child protective services on you. I wonder how seriously your MIL meant her threat about the call to DHS--I would guess that she didn't even mean it.


It also seems ironic to me that you are having issues with the ILs keeping the children up too late. I guess, like you, I think a reasonable bedtime is way more important than whether you have everything neat and tidy.

I am sorry you are having health issues. I know from my own family that some family members would rather think that someone is faking a serious illness than confront their feelings about the illness. I hope you were able to express yourself about that in your letter, too.

Perhaps in the future, after you have patched things up, you can meet your ILs somewhere other than your house. I am confident that you can heal this relationship, even though it will certainly be on a different, less trusting footing in the future.

[hunnybumm]

Originally Posted by captain optimism

Having a messy house is actually a sign that you are probably a GREAT mom, because you are putting the children before your house.

At least, I hope so.

I hop so too! :LOL

[EFmom]

My MIL nearly called CPS on my SIL once. Honestly, my SILs house is appallingly filthy. When we go there for parties, we usually sneak out and walk down the road to use the restroom at a gas station if nature calls--it's that bad. We try to not eat. She and my BIL aren't badly off--he's a doctor. Evidently, they had tried cleaning services, but no one would come back after the first visit.

MIL was wildly opposed to SIL going back to work, so once she did, MIL called us because she thought the house was worse. It wasn't--it was just as disgusting when SIL was a SAHM.

Anyway, we sat MIL down and explained to her what a likely outcome was if CPS came to investigate. MIL never seriously considered that the kids could end up removed from the house and in "the system." She just thought having CPS show up would be a wake-up call that would make SIL be a better housekeeper. We also pointed out that her son, BIL, has opposable thumbs, too, and that the filth wasn't solely SIL's fault. MIL didn't really want to hear any of that, but it was enough to convince her not to call CPS.

[CerridwenLorelei]

Ok I have had to almost call CPS once and it

was NOT a decision that was made lightly. And the filth in this house was incredible and gross even after help. Your house sounds like a normal household with kids from your post.
I would document everything. I would document the days/times she threatened, I would borrow a camera from a friend with a time/date stamp and take photos of the house while you have it cleaned up,
I would talk to a lawyer about false accusations and threats and what you can do when she does this.
It sounds to me more like a when than an if -since she has even gotten BIL involved.
I would get him to sign a document too if he is on your side that your house is not the cesspool she thinks it is.

With the comments on the illness ( make sure you have documentation for that too) and their disregard for rules I would talk to dh about no more visits at the house and no more phone calls unless he is there. He needs to put his foot down with her and soon.

I know a lot here won't agree with me but as someone who was going to at one point have to deal with false charges -I don't want to see anyone else go through it!

((HUGSS)) to you

[oceanbaby]

A house would have to be a serious health hazard before DHS/CPS got involved. I mean, do you have garbage all over the floor, bugs everywhere, crusted food on every surface, and six different life forms growing from your toilet? (Even if you did, BTW, the appropriate thing for your MIL to do would be to offer to help you clean, not call DHS.) I'm sensing that that is not the situation of your house. I would be so appalled at someone threatening to call child services over something like a housekeeping issues, that dh would have a hard time keeping me from letting her have it.

I'm sorry it's affecting your relationship with her, and to be honest I don't really have any ideas about that other than what you've done with the letter. You can try calling her and discussing it, or meeting for lunch and discussing everything, but it sounds like she's pretty for gone on this.

[Britishmum]

She sounds toxic to me. It also sounds odd to me taht you hold her with such fondness in your heart. Could this just be hope because your own mother relationship wasnt there? She doesnt sound remotely motherly to me, anyway.

To be honest, Id' cut her out and move home if necessary. And I certainly wouldnt have her babysitting for me if she was threatening this. If you cant go this far, I'd tell her she only comes by arrangement, no dropping in.

Your house doesnt sound anything like as bad as many I've seen, and cps didnt remove children from them.

Relax and let MIL go if shes this destructive, if your dh will let go too.....

[mamawanabe]

Why the hell is it the DIL and not the sons that are getting the blame here?!

Get your husband to set boundaries with her. He needs to go have coffee and/or lunch with her and explain:

1) that she is not to comaplain to him about you; he will not listen to outright nor underhanded comments; instead, the phone call/visit will be over right then or there

2) that the dfs threat is a serious thing; he needs to explain what happends when dfs are called, how incompetant dfs can be in handeling cases, and the possibility that the kids would end up traumatized by the process;

3) he needs to explain that her causual reference to dfs has broken a trust between him and her that will take serious time and work to be repaired

4) and finally he needs to make a serious threat - that if she doesn't stop with the compalints, she will not see the family or will have very limited access to the family. And if the dfs is ever called, she will never see teh family again.

I knwo you feel like she is your mother. But she is dh's motehr and he not you needs to explain her place to her

[AnnMarie]

I'm sorry, but if even my own mother threatened me repeatedly like that she would be OUT of my life. Social Services does NOT expect your house to be spotless so try to relax. You do what you can and nobody can ask for more.

s I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Piglet68]

I totally agree with mamawanabe. Your DH needs to take over here. I think it was great that you wrote the letter, and I hope that you can work through this feeling of losing a mother again. That part must be very hard to deal with on top of everything else.

But as far as your kids go, sit your DH down and tell him in NO uncertain terms that HE needs to get firm with his mother and straighten her out.

And quit cleaning!

I hate cleaning and there are times when I'm sure your MIL would think MY house is yucky, too. But some of us have more important concerns than what MIL's think of our house, kwim?

[Pynki]

Thanks for all the replies ladies..

We actually live almost 2 hrs away from all dh family.. That's the crazy part.. I used to clean for week before they would come, and she would still call.. It doesn't matter.. She wants us to move closer.. so she can "help out more".. uh huh.. I want her over MORE often!!??? We usually visit them at their house.. The problem is DH doesn't like to be the one doing all the driving.. Especially since we are the only one with kids so far.. It's stupid.. We have 3 kids.. 5, 4 and 10 months, but we are expected to drive 2 hrs down, and 2 hrs back just because..

There are a lot of issues here.. The DHS threat was just the one that broke the camels back as it were..

We do have pest issues.. We live on 10 acres.. We are surrounded on all 4 sides by fields.. I put out mice traps everynight.. We have bugs migrate to the house after the harvest, and planting.. We are doing everything we can sort of calling terminex or something and we don't have the $$$$ for their services.. Believe me we've looked into it..

I am just tired of the behavior, and really really hurt by it as well.. Thanks for listening ladies..

Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan