"Cute" kids and special attention???

[Saiahma]

I don't want this to come out wrong, but I have a legitmate question . My DS 6 is exceptionally "cute" He's biracial, has beautiful brown skin thick curly sandy brown hair, and is just really handsome. Ever since he was a baby he gets tons of attention wherever we go. I didn't mind when he was younger, I was a proud new mama Now, it's starting to bother me. Example, DS and I went out to eat last night to a new Persian restaurant. The waitresses were at our table through the whole meal! First she brings him this giant kiddie cocktail without asking (she said she told them to put it in a big cup because he's so tall....IT WAS HUGE) He wanted to try something new and ended up not liking it, well the waitress offered to bring him a whole new meal? Then after we ate, she TOOK him by the hand and let him pick out a pastry for dessert, she told me "I'm not going to charge you because he's such a cutie" FIrst of all, we usually just drink water, I didn't appreciate him being given a giant tub of soda and cherry syrup before dinner. 2nd part of the reason we went there is because I'm introducing him to new foods. He liked his rice and pita bread and cucumbers, he could have eaten that and been full, he didn't need a new meal. 3rd, she didn't ask about the dessert at all....I was just thinking to myself, if he was not cute you wouldn't be doing this...It's starting to go to DS's head too. Right when we left he asked if we could go back again next week to see if he can get a free dessert. I'm not really vocal IRL, but after we left I really wanted to go back and say some thing. This happens ALL the time. In stores (clerks will give him candy), the library (librarian will give him stickers or bookmarks). I don't want him to think looks are that important. he's really a smart sensitive kid, but I don't want this attention to change him....Any thoughts???

Jaimee

[hunnybumm]

I kinda understand where you are coming from. Though my DS is only 5 1/2 months we can't go anywhere without getting stopped 5 - 6 times. My DS was fair skin, very light and very light brown hair, and huge bright blue eyes. He is very allert, always has been and is the biggest ham. When someone comes up to him he just smiles this huge beautiful smile.

We haven't gotten any free stuff but I can definitly see where you are coming from. I have had a waitress try and give my son (then 3 months) some ranch, on his 15 year old uncles NON WASHED FINGER! With out asking of course. I about dove across the table, she also made a rude comment when I said he isn't allowed to have water yet. But every time she came to the table she made a big deal about how cute he was.... I wanted to just tell her to leave us alone!

If it bothers you so much then you will probably have to learn to speak up. "Oh, hes not allowed to have soda before dinner" or "No, he doesn't need a new meal, this one is just fine!" or "We try not to give him sweats". If she doesn't listen tell your son you will be right back and demand to see the manager and complain. You may have to be a huge b**** but it will get your point across. I definitly wouldn't avoid the restraunt if you like it. Also, you might want to try and have a talk with your son before you go and set some rules. Like no matter what she says, tell her "Thank you, but no thank you."

As for how to help your son feel that looks aren't important.... I really don't know what you could do other than to make comments (to your son) like "WOW, that lady sure is odd" or "I wonder why she is in such a huff about?"

[oceanbaby]

It seems like most kids get special attention and free stuff. It happens to my ds all the time. We get tons of comments about how adorable or handsome or whatever he is. Clerks always go get him balloons or a little treat of some kind (but are usually pretty good at asking me first.) But I just assumed that people who liked kids did that with most of them.

[MamaBug]

My kids get this same sort of attention all the time too. Alot of the time the stuff they get does not bother me, balloons, stickers and such. But one time a man at the security gate at the airport gave ds some hard candies without even asking me. 1) Who gives candy to a kid they don't know without asking the mother???? 2) It was a choking kind and 3) Who gives candy to a kid they don't know without asking the mother????? I hate to say it told the man thank you and then walked away took the candy and threw it out, telling ds that we are not to take anything from ppl we don't know ( he was only 2 at the time so that stranger talks had not begun in earnest) and that it could make him sick. I was so angry. I wanted to go to airport security and report him but we were late for our flight.

I talk to my oldest all the time about how yes he is very handsome but it is more important to be a good person. And that even if he is the most handsome boy on the planet ppl will not like him if he is not a good and kind person. I am happy to say that he is a sweet and loving boy and while he is happy to be told how cute he is he is more happy to be told he is a nice kid. My youngest looks like the Gerber baby grown up and he HATES ppl he does not know so thus far the comments are not an issue.:LOL

[mamawanabe]

I wonder how much of it is looks and how much of it is charisma. There are people who are just amazingly attracting (though there is a prob a baseline of attractiveness involved).

You are going to help him deal with the fact that he isn't special (special as in better than others, more desearving than others) just because everybody likes him and takes to him.

It is wonderful your son is so charismatic, and you sound like a smart mama to begin thinking now about how you are going to help him stay grounded and good in the face of favors. What you won't be able to do, however, is stop people (waitresses, teachers, fellow students, future colleagues etc) from fawning on him.

[WithHannahsHeart]

I feel you! My kid is also beautiful and charming, and powerfully attractive to all kinds of people. BUT, she has a stare of death that generally makes strangers back up a few paces. It's hilarious, but she takes care of herself, and does not allow herself to be even talked to if she doesn't know someone. Gotta send her over to teach your boy how to make people move out of his space . Seriously tho, i would have refused the soda, maybe even made up something like it would upset his tummy or what have you (unless he is old and smart enough to have corrected you in front of her ). But refused it nonetheless, all the while smiling and thanking her profusely for her thoughtfullness; i would have also refused the second meal, again nicely but firmly telling her that we wanted him to try new things. But, then, i'm a bitch on wheels,and have no compunction whatsoever about standing my ground in those matters .

[Oregonicmama]

My DD is a child who cannot go anywhere without getting stared at, smiled at and flirted with. It is rediculous. When people try to give her something like candy, I am pretty on it about saying no, but i do let her accept stickers. The other day she started running down the sidewalk and the owner of the next store over jumps out the door with 2 lollipops in his hand for my 2.5 yo.! Even if she was ten i would never let her have 2. She was going nuts for the next 2 hours (I confiscated 1 of them in time!) and learned about how sugar makes her "freak out." She is a very pretty little girl, I am sometimes self concious about talking about it. "my kids so cute that..."
I have found that I just have to be diligent in setting limits with people like that. DD doesn't seem to think much of it, or that she's special b/c of it. She actually will tell other kids how cute they are (or their outfit is) and fawns over "sweet little babies." So I think it has been good for her in someways. She is very quick to complement ( i like taking her shopping with me!).

[Pynki]

I was driving home from my sisters graduate recital.. ( she's a vocal grad student at KState) and on our way through Kansas city we stopped at a Pizza Hut just after the big lunch rush.. We had the lunch buffet. One of the waitresses kept coming over and helping the boys... I really appreciated it.. It was me and the 3 boys (5, 4, and 9 months at the time ) She was also Indian ( not NA) I would guess.. She even had them make a special pizza for my ds1 because they didn't have any out.. I thought that was silly.. It was the last 30 minutes of the lunch buffet, adn we were the only ones there.. Their money adn food though I suppose..

Anyway.. I've noticed that people not originally from the US are more likely to interact with children.. You said you were at a Persian restaurant.. Was the waitress by any chance Persain? If so that could be it, and she would likely treat any child the same way..

We have a new lady in our breastfeeding support group at our hospital here and she is Russian.. She ALWAYS makes a point of interacting with our children.. No matter how small a babe it is.. So were as I don't know about child politics in the former USSR.. I have noticed that people who have come TO america are more child friendly that a lot of the people born IN america..


Sorry for the ramble.. Just my 1st thought..

Warm Squishy Feelings..
Dyan

[jeca]

I do understand, and have a product of said attention at a little over a year old. If you tell Morissa she's pretty she beams and lights up, even says thank you. She stares in the mirror throwing herself kisses and will even recognizes all words asociated with pretty, beautiful, cute, etc beams and thank you. Yana also. At one point you say "yana your pretty" she'd say "thank you, I know". saviel sin't as into it maybe because he's a boy though. I really haven't pressed anyhting on the girls yet because they're so young but I tell saviel all the time how importent it is to be nice, a helper, smart, thoughful and give him compliments on those. Adn if someone says something like how handsome he is, i suually say something like thank you, he's mama's big helper or mama's sweet baby. don't k

[mirthfulmum]

I come from a family full of atractive charismatic men. Both my father and my brother are notorious flirts and can charm their way into and out of practically anything. And when my son was born, I was not surprised that he too seemed to have this inherint ability to attract people. I am often amazed by how much attention he gets. Sometimes it's embarrasing, especially when I'm with friends and their children and the other children are being overlooked. When he was a newborn I had strangers stop us on the street to give us small trinkets and offer us candy. My son is now 2 and the attention hasn't stopped. Just today, as we were peering into the window of a rock shop, the owner came out and gave my son a pretty golden rock. My son was obviously delighted. I just thanked her and encouraged my son to do the same.
I remember talking to my mom about this a while back and she gave me this advice (having raised a very charming son herself). She said to not let your child use their charm on you, she often let my brother sweet talk his way out of trouble and he now has some bad habits around responsibility. And she told me there isn't much you can do about stranger's reactions other than try to monitor what they are giving to your kids. And as a parent it is so important to teach your child that genuine kindness and respect are more important than a wink and a smile.

[eilonwy]

I was actually just going to start a thread about this!

As a small child, my siblings and I got lots of attention for being adorable but as soon as I opened my mouth people would step back. That said, I could behave like a little demon and people would still say "Oh, she's lovely and so well behaved, what a little lady." :

My nieces are beautiful, and I can remember watching a woman literally walk away from her own child (about the same age as my niece at the time, maybe 2) to come and ooh and ah over my niece. I found that a little bit sad.

Eli is adorable, and people are always trying to give him things even though he's only 18 months old. About three weeks ago, a woman tried to give him a $5 bill! I didn't even know what to say, I was floored. She kept trying to get him to take it and I said "He doesn't really know what that's for yet." I was thinking "?!?!?!?!!??!!?!" It just totally blew me away.

It really bothers me that attractive children are given preferential treatment, but I see this as an issue that they'll have to deal with all their lives, and as something akin to white privilege. All I can really do is be aware of it and teach my children to be aware of it as well, kwim?