Is a big family detrimental to kids?

[UmmSamiyah]

I was talking to one of my friends and she mentioned that it is common for children in big families (as in there are more than 3 kids) for the kids to start hording things, attacking dinner and eating like they won't have anymore and other stuff. I have two babes and was thinking about having 4 or 6 because that sounds like a nice sized family but I don't want anyone to NOT feel special Ykwim? My DH is from a family of 6 and I noticed after moving in with them for a brief time that the above mentioned actions occured. Does that happen with every family?

[Ravin]

Growing up I was one of 3 but we'd also have 1 or 2 foster kids in the house. Everything was always more fun when there were more of us. I plan on having at least 4 myself and foster parenting.

The behaviors you describe are common for kids who are neglected and don't get enough attention or enough to eat. Which is certainly not a consequence merely of being a member of a large family.

[applejuice]

i was the oldest of nine and I needed to hord things or they would be ruined and gone. I would have nothing since it was not a priority for my mom to keep them out of my stuff. No privacy, no space, ... misery...

[CerridwenLorelei]

I haven't noticed with my kids

I have four btw
But big sister does hide or put things away that she doesn't want the younger ones to break either by accident or purpose ( not that they would but...)
I agree with Ravin only to the point I can concerning four or five kids....

I have two I only wish I could get to attack dinner instead of stick their noses in the air ...

[hunnybumm]

I use to be active in the Mormon religion so I knew quite a few very large families (9 - 10 kids) and I haven't heard anything like that. They did have very hard times when there was just bearly enough to eat (they didn't go hungry, but couldn't just go to the fridge and grab something to eat, they had to eat at the alloted breaskfast, lunch and dinner). And they had to wear hand me downs or very cheap clothes until they got jobs of their own, and their own money to spend. But I wasn't in these families first hand so there could have been stuff happening that they just didn't talk about.

I was raised with 4 kids in one house hold, then my sister and I would go to my dads where my other sister lived (so 3 kids) and the above mentioned never happened. There were times when we didn't feel special, where we felt left out but my mom did the best she could being a single mom with very little child support 2 times over (married and divorced 2 times) so she had to work a lot, etc.

Just my perspective.

[rainsmom]

Im one of 5 children and that took place in our family.....hoarding things, feeling like I had to eat fast or someone would take my food (they would). It took alot of years to eat like a normal person.

[LDSmomma6]

Oldest of 8 kids here, raised in a Mormon family (and I am very active, just to let you know!), and even though we were poor (military pays squat!), I didn't have to hord anything. This is the first time I ever heard that.

I am now the momma of 6, and I don't see my kids hording nothing. We always have plenty of food, and they all have their space.

Interesting...

[UmmSamiyah]

For those who did horde- Was it because you didn't have enough to eat? Or were you afraid someone else would eat your food? What other sorts of things did you horde? Clothes, toys? Was personal space a minimum.

For those who did not horde-Did you have your own separate spaces for things and did you have enough money>

For mamas who were children in big families -Did you feel like you competed for mom's or dad's attention?

For mama's who have more than 3-What do you do to make sure you don't have the hording etc. problem?

WHEW!

[momto l&a]

I havent seen hording in the big families we know.

One family the girls do hide chocolate in their clothes drawer.

I love big families because of the closeness I have see between them all.

[rainsmom]

[QUOTE=UmmSamiyah]For those who did horde- Was it because you didn't have enough to eat? Or were you afraid someone else would eat your food?

We had enough money and food.......just alot of people, eating quickly, and a brother who would take food off our plates when we werent looking.


What other sorts of things did you horde? Clothes, toys? Was personal space a minimum.

Personal space? 7 people, one bathroom.....what personal space? At least most of us were 5 years apart, so we didnt have to share toys.....but later, my sisters would just take things of mine. They still do that to this day, kind of a family joke......I never found it funny.


For mamas who were children in big families -Did you feel like you competed for mom's or dad's attention?

Yes! being the fourth of 5 children, we were always competing and seemed mom was too tired to hear us or give us attention. I remember once, splitting my head open and coming home, trying to tell my mother about it. It was hours before she took the time to look at my head and realise I needed stitches. I dont see how mothers of more than one or two children give their children enough......maybe its more possible now that fathers take a more active roll in parenting than when I was growing up. I still wince when I see children not being heard (or seen) by their parents who have their hands full with other more needy children. I will never feel Im missing out by not having more children. My childhood has definetly shaped my views of having more than one child. (at a time)

[TranscendentalMom]

Dh was the 3rd out of 5 and feels like he was lost in the family. He feels like he was always battling his siblings and never got any attention from his parents. Just yesterday, his mother was telling stories of how he was always "acting up" to get attention. I felt like screaming at her - "of course! cause that was the only way he got any" Personally, I think 3 is the max I would EVER have, and 1 or 2 is probably more ideal. Just my opinion.

[Designeratheart]

I'm the youngest of 4, and I don't ever remember hording going on with any of us. My oldest sister and brother thought that me and my other sister were brats but isn't that normal? We had a average size house w/one bathroom, my one sister and I shared a room.

Maybe I just don't analyze things the way that other people do, but I've never thought about birth order issues, hording, not having enough space or attention either in my childhood or now. My mom was pretty messed up during my childhood b/c she was violent, but she would've been that way whether she had one or four. I liked having several siblings growing up and I still like it now. I get along with all of them fairly well--I'm closer to my sisters than to my brother but it's not a biggie.

I think once again it really depends on the parents. If the parents can't handle one kid, he/she could be neglected and mistreated. If the parents can handle 8 kids, they could treat them all well and provide for them in a reasonable manner. I think the factors are not so much in family size as much as the parents ability to cope.

[EFmom]

I was one of six children. My parents were fairly well off--not rich, but solidly middle class. They were good parents, but they were overextended.

There was lots of hording. Not of food, that I recall. (My mom bought a full grocery cart of food almost daily.) : But of stuff like toys, books and clothes. There was almost no privacy or personal space, and we had a 5 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath house. I hated that. It was always horribly noisy and seemed chaotic, even though my parents tended to be organized people. I never felt like I got much personal attention at all.

We all coped with the situation in a different way. My older sisters, and to some extent my brothers, dealt with that by getting the hell out of the house as quickly as they possibly could. They got themselves involved with every possible after school activity that they could, just to avoid being home. They found the most hours-intensive summer jobs they could find. They didn't really care about the pay or making money--the key requirement was that they could be out of the house as much as possible.

I've never been much of a joiner. But I did have a friend who had a small family, and I spent as much time at her house as I possibly could. My younger sister is an artist and basically spent all her time at her studio as soon as she was old enough.

If you would ask my parents about our childhood, they would see it very differently. They would tell you how they lavished attention on each of us.

[rainsmom]

EFmom.......sounds alot like my family!

I think its funny how we perceive our childhoods too. And like you said, ask your parents and they would say something completely different

[HoneymoonBaby]

My husband is one of seven. He believes it is nearly impossible for parents to give enough personalized attention to their children in a large family. He says EVERYONE in his family got shafted emotionally/financially/educationally because the resources were simply spread too thin. At family get-togethers now, even though the siblings are all in their 30s to early 40s, I can see the result of the way they were raised -- it's still a free-for-all between the kids to see who can capture the most attention.

I think large families can be "done right," but I think it takes a tremendous amount of awareness and dedication on the part of the parents. You have to anticipate the downfalls of a large family and be proactive in trying to head them off before they become a problem. Like, I read about one mom who had five kids and "gave" each kid one weeknight every week. While Dad watched the other four, Mom got one-on-one time with each one of her kids at least once a week. They'd read books, go out for ice cream, go to the park, go to the library, work on a hard school assignment . . . whatever they wanted or needed. The kids all said they felt like they got enough personal attention from Mom this way.

[annakiss]

I know a family where both parents were widowed with six kids, then got married and had a 13th. I can see both the drawbacks and the positives. On the one hand, they all love each other tremendously and always have each other to go to. On the other hand, a lot of them are pretty ecentric (not that I see that as a bad thing, but maybe an example of trying to get attention). One sibling committed suicide many years ago. My friend says they didn't have their own underwear growing up and everyone bathed together. So in the one sense it's cozy, but in another it's too close for comfort, yk?

I come from 2 families of 3 children each (I'm the third in each, I have 4 siblings total). In the family where I'm the oldest, we're all very close but I can see that my mom was stretched a little thin for proper attention-giving. We still have issues with this. One of my sisters is forever feeling left out.

In my other family, it's a totally different dynamic. We're not that close - well, they are to each other, but not so much at all to me. My dad and I are very different from my step mom and step siblings. I'm the youngest in that family. I got all my attention from my dad (and plenty of it!) and they got all their attention from their mom. It's completely weird, really. I never understood how my step-mom and my dad ended up together.

[mamawanabe]

Every choice has pros and cons, and what we think is possible is often based on our own experiences (especially childhood).

Some people are convinced that it is impossible to AP with less than 3 years between siblings or more than 3 kids. Me and dh's experiences growing up make us confident ap is possible in both situations; if our expereinces had been different, we'd no doubt feel differently.

Plus there are issues of parents and children's personalities to consider. Some kids are needier than others; some parents are more suited to certain kinds of family arrangements.

We are going to wait and see what happens, doing what feels right in terms of deciding when to have more.

No easy or right answers, just be aware of the pitfalls of each choice, whether it is an only child, a large family, large spacing between children, or close spacing and try to consciously make accomodations

[nikirj]

I am from a family of four kids, which I always considered "normal". The four of us span 10 years (I am the oldest, and my youngest brother is 9 years younger than me). We never lacked food but we usually ate pretty quickly and with very little complaint - I think this is more my mom's style than anything else (she did NOT allow us to complain about the food, although she never made us eat a set amount or anything like that). Plus, there was always something else to do - we were going to go play a game or watch something or whatever. I do remember 'hoarding' candy, but I thought this was something everyone did - you have a stash of something that is your own and you don't want others to get into it. None of us were ever really jealous about toys or anything, we all shared those pretty readily - we usually just played outside anyway and didn't really use toys all that much. We have all grown up pretty competitive but we have also all grown up gracious losers (you can't be mad at someone forever, especially when you've got to sit down to dinner together in 10 minutes).

I personally am looking forward to the family dynamic of a larger family. I have been best friends with each of my siblings at some point or another, and can call and talk to any one of them for hours if I feel like it. My DH has just his younger brother and there has always seemed something major missing, especially since they are 6 years apart. I am so used to spending huge amounts of time with siblings that it strikes me as strange that my DH and his brother didn't get along well at all until they were like 14 and 20.

[thistle]

I am 6 of 6 and my dad died when I was 6 yrs old. Mom never remarried. Resources were stretched very thin. It was horrible. I had very bad experiences and my brothers took alot of anger out on me. My mom was too depressed to do anything about it, so I basically got tortured on a daily basis. They would pretend they were going to kill me becasue I was unwanted.

I don't remember hoarding, but I do remember having things taken from me quite regularly. I am only close to my oldest sib, who is 14 yrs older than me. I say that we only get along so well b/c we diden't live together long.

My oldest sister has 7 kids and I know their experiences weren't that great either. Some of them are close, but others don't even speak to each other.

I have 1 and 2 is my max. I'd really prefer just one though. I think DH would like one more.

[Heavenly]

I'm sorry but to me this sounds like more of a discipline problem than a large family problem. I only have 2 but I am planning on at least 5. Maybe its just me but if one of my children grabbed food of anothers plate they would be sent to their room without supper. If they broke their siblings stuff they would have to work off the money to buy another one. I think big families are great but you need to WANT the big family so that you are sure you are putting enough energy into your children.