Reverse psychology

[smittenmom]

My MIL is always using reverse psychology on her grandkids if they won't do what she wants... "Don't give me a hug. I don't want any hugs. Noooo.. don't hug me!" Of course the kids give her a hug, which is what she wanted.

Now my dh is starting to do this with dd, who isn't quite old enough to get it yet, but he just told me that she gave him a kiss after he tried this. It bothers me for some reason, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Something about tricking a child into doing something they don't want to do, maybe?

Thoughts?

[hunnybumm]

My grandparents use to do the exact same thing. I don't like it either. To me it seems like the children are being degraded aka talked to like they are idiots. But it doesn tend to work with younger kids, well untill we got older and just thought it was stupid but that we had to go along with it.

I don't plan on ever doing this with my child(ren) unless they are old enough to hear my scarcasm.

[MamaMae]

Hmnn.....interesting issue. I consider our parenting to be very respectful and gentle. But we do "use" reverse psychology. We use it as a game, though, so it feels very different. Calvin asks to play the "game where you say don't!"....usually he wants us to say "whatever you do, DON'T take another bite of your dinner!! Oh NO! You took a bite of your food! What are we going to do now!" etc etc. I've thought about it before and came to the conclusion that somehow he's working things out when we do that.....that just by being a three year old, there are many, many times that he does here "DON"T", so for him to request it gives him a little bit of power, you know?

But I think it's a whole other story in the example you gave. If you're child doesn't WANT to hug grammie, then it is plain trickery, which certainly can't feel good. Is your child old enough for you to ask how it makes her feel? I might try and jump in next time before grammie can say it, and ask your child, "do you have a kiss for Grammie?", and if she says no, then respect that. Perhaps you could just model for her by saying, "That's okay, but I'm going to kiss her" or something like that.

[nikirj]

Is it joking, or is it said in a hurt-type voice? I think this makes all the difference - sometimes we'll joke like this and it is funny, but we would only do this when the kids were about to do something (as in, the child comes up and is about to plant a huge kiss on an uncle, and he yells - in a funny sort of voice - "oh no! Ahhhhhh! Don't kiss me! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh......" generally followed by tickles or horseplay or whatever).

If the way MIL does it bugs you, by all means stop it. Let her know you don't like manipulating the kids like that. If she is joking and it would stop if they didn't do it, I don't see the harm - but if she's serious and would keep "playing" until they comply, then I'd certainly step in.

[smittenmom]

I guess I wasn't completely clear in my OP... MIL doesn't do this to dd yet (she's 20 months), just to dd's older cousins so far. Amanda, I like your idea of trying to intervene when it does inevitably happen. Maybe she'll take the hint.

When she does it, it's usually in a hurt way when she asks for a kiss and the kids won't give her one. Then sometimes it does TURN INTO a game, where they try to kiss her and she's pretending like she's defending herself from it, but that's not how it starts.

I think my bigger issue right now is how to explain to dh that this bothers me, since he tried it with dd a couple of days ago. I did tell him that I don't like it, but I couldn't quite explain why. It helps to know that others think it's manipulative.

Calvin asks to play the "game where you say don't!"....

BTW, I think this is adorable, and I agree that's it's not the same thing.

[mamawanabe]

I don't know if it is really reverse psychology or just turning kissing g-ma into a game. Is she obvious about it - saying "what ever you do, don't kiss me" and this breaks the ice and previous relcutance to kiss turns into lots of kissing and laughing?

Or is she is being sullen and saying "no, don't kiss me, then," which is an issue of shaming and guilting someone into do something they don't want.

Sounds like she is between the two. Can you aks her to keep it more lighthearted because you don't want your kids to ever feel like they have to be affactionate just because someone wants them to (use the defence against molestation/respect for thier own body card).

Or maybe this is a battle to let go. How often does it happen? When you children copy the behavior, does it have the same guilting/shaming quality or it is more a game?

[skj474]

I agree with MamaMae We do the same thing, kinda make a game out if it. For example, if I am running late and I ws ds to get into his carseat and he wants to play with EVERYTHING in the car first, I will say "don't you dare get in that carseat, I am going to sit in it" then he will get in