Single parent but married?!

[mamapixie]

This may just be a bit of preggo emotions, but I'm so sick of doing everything myself, and feeling lonely.

Husband(who is in the Army) is never home, every weekend he spends every night at a friend's house, playing video games and getting too drunk to drive home, so I don't see him until sometime the next morning when he sobers up and comes home. Half the time during the week, he's over at the same friend's house, but at least he's not drinking then. I get yelled at for not doing any housework(mind you I am 34 weeks pregnant, and it's getting hard to do anything that requires bending or standing, I do what I, and my body can tolerate), yet he'll come home, change his clothes, and leave them laying all over the house.

The lawn needs to be mowed, the dog needs a bath, the litter box needs to be changed, and I have a clothesline (that needs to be put up in the back yard this week so I can hang up the diaper covers I need to get washed for the baby) and yet he hasn't even attempted any of that stuff, and I can't do any of it myself. After I reminded him once again that I needed the clothesline put up this week(he's going out for a field exercise on Saturday, and won't be back until June 30th) he asked me when I was going to get to the housework. I just went to the bedroom and laid there crying after he said that. I'm trying my hardest to do what I can.

He says he's getting his partying out of his system now, before the baby gets here, but I don't believe him. Having a 6 year old at home already doesn't stop him, why would a baby?

Adding to all of this is the fact that DH has orders to go to Korea in December, he's been doing most of this ever since he got those orders. I know he's depressed about having to leave for a whole year(as am I), but geez, I need him at home right now, hell, I just need him, and he refuses to see it(or listen when I try and tell him this).

Ugh..I hope this is just pregnancy emotions getting the best of me.

[bandzsmom]

Girl, I feel your pain. I, too love a man who loves to party ( as I did in my previous life). He was rarely around for us when it was just me and dd, either working or partying, and my second preg was hard. I think being preg does have something to do with the poor pity me feelings as I called it. On a brighter note, though, things changed dramatically after second one was born. We became more of a family, he swears he didn't feel needed much before except to bring in the dough and fix things, but after the second, he had to jump in and be around and HELP! We're a team now, though it's still hard for him to just hang out, he'd rather DO something. I wish you luck, hopefully you have some really good friends or family close to help.

[mamapixie]

My family is all 1500+ miles away, and none of them would care anyway(I didn't exactly have a good home life, it would take forever to explain it all right now). I'd just get told "I told you so", or be given crappy advice. Friends(more like acquaintances) on base don't offer any sympathy, they just tell me this is the Army, get used to it.

Basically, the only people I can "vent" to are online.

[heartmama]

Personally I would get some marriage counseling.

It sounds like your dh has issues with alcohol, and probably is depressed over his next transfer.

If he won't go, you go see the counselor. You need some support, and you don't have a lot of time before the baby is born and he leaves. Find someone who can help now.

Hugs to all of you....

Heartmama

[bandzsmom]

Once again I can relate to the family thing, but unfortunately mine live pretty close and I get regular doses of their unwanted advice. Which base are you on? I live in Belle Chasse right near one of them. Aren't there any hs sahms on base? It does sound a bit like your dh is depressed a bit, good luck trying the counseling. Mine says its for freaks even though I've done it myself in the past to try to deal with all of the childhood stuff, and perhaps will again for the adult stuff! Hah! I guess things don't change much.

[oceanmommy]

oh sweetie (((((hugs)))))) for you, benzmommyplus1. It sounds like a pretty hard time you are getting through right now. If I were there, I would change your litter box for you
I agree with the counseling thing, I wish my DH would go with me ! I think it can only help, just about any couple can benefit from it, no matter how much they "need" it. This is a hard point in the pregnancy too, the last 6 weeks or so, very uncomfrotable, and you already have another child to look after. You have enough on your plate, it would seem.
As for "getting it all out of his system" : it seems inappropriate to put his needs so much ahead of those of his family. This is supposed to be nesting time, he is already leaving for a few weeks, you'd think he'd want to be there as much as possible. Maybe he is just really nervous (or depressed) about what changes are going to happen with the new baby. Guys don't always articulate their feelings so well about this stuff.
Vent all you want, we're here, just wish I could do something more tangible for you.

OM

[Piglet68]

First of all <<<<<hugs!!!>>>>>. My heart really goes out to you.

I don't think your feelings have anything to do with being pregnant. I'm going to be blunt here - your husband is being a jerk and I feel very sorry for you. I would definitely suggest counselling, but I'm willing to bet money your DH would flip at the suggestion that there is anything wrong. He is acting like a very immature male who has no business being either a husband or a father, if hanging out with his buddies getting drunk is his preferred way to spend leisure time. He should WANT to be there for you and the kids - especially with you pregnant! If you have to point it out to him, he's on his way to being a lost cause already, IMHO. He is also apparently unaware of how lucky he is to have a wife like you who cares so much about the children and the household.

As I see it, you have only a few choices. First is pack up and leave and find someone who is mature enough to be a good hubby and dad. Obviously that is extreme and I personally wouldn't do it but hey, its an option nevertheless. Second, you can sit down and have a talk with him but I'm guessing he cares little about making you happy and more about having fun with the boys, so such a conversation is unlikely to result in any long-term changes in his behaviour. Still, this would be my first course of action.

The final choice is to accept your husband for who and what he is and then sit down and figure out ways that YOU can live with it. Be selfish (he is!) and decide what things you can do to make YOUR life a bit easier. Hire a cleaning lady to help out even just once a month (considering how much he probably spends on booze and partying each month, he will have NO right to complain!). Hire a neighbourhood kid to help you out with the clothesline, etc. If hubby complains, remind him that you asked him several times already. Take charge girl!!! Who knows, maybe your behaviour will be enough to make him realise that things need to change. Once he does that you guys will have overcome the hardest step. But for now, your happiness is the most important! If he isn't concerned about it, who else will be but you?

I'm sorry to be so harsh - I'm angry for you, and hurt for you. You don't deserve this. Maybe its a sign of getting older, but I simply have no patience for that sort of behaviour any more....GIRL POWER!

[telekinetic pyro]

{{hugs}} You know my opinion. And you know I'm here for you. I do like Piglet's idea about hiring a neighborhood kid to do the clothes line. Do you guys have a fenced yard or anything? If you do turn Ben loose with the hose and the dog and eventually it will end up clean! I would also absolutely put my foot down. I did because I had had it. I finally told him that he was mostly worthless to me and all he really provided was a paycheck and a pidley one at that. I told him that if I didn't start getting help around the house, his mess wasn't worth the trouble anymore. I also stopped doing anything for him. I would make something for just me to eat or I would just do mine and ds laundry. It took about a week but he has gotten 100% better. He realized that I really don't need him and I won't hesitate to remove him if he irritates me enough. So far it has been 3 weeks and he is still doing fairly well, although he does still have his moments.

I'm not sure how well that would work out in your case. I think I would suggest counselling but I also remember you talking about how bad base mental health care is. All I can tell you is worry about keeping you and your babies happy, healthy and safe. ANd that I'm always thinking about you Mwah

[gossamer]

I just read your post and I want you to know I really empathize with you. I am an Army Brat and Ex-Army wife. SOmething you may not have thought of is calling your husband's first sargent or even talking to the comapny's chaplain. There is usually some kind of class or session or someone to talk to about your husband being deployed and trying to make sure his family is ready for him to be gone so long. In my experience, most commanders really want their soldiers families to be taken care of even if the soldier himself needs a little nudging in that direction. Please feel free to pm me if you want some more specific advice. I know this is hard for your husband to be leaving and I truly appreciate the sacrifice you and your family are making for our country.

[mamapixie]

Thanks everyone, I did need to vent about this really bad. I know he figures since I'm not working I should be able to do everything around the house, but I personally don't think that should include picking up after him. Part of this vent came from the fact that I talked to his little brother yesterday, and he said to me "If my girlfriend was pregnant, she wouldn't be lifting a finger, and I certainly wouldn't be out with my friend's every weekend, I'd be staying home with her." That really got to me.

I have basically been blowing things off around the house, trying to regain my energy, but it isn't happening.

We did go to a marriage workshop on communication, but DH thought it was stupid, and basically didn't listen to anything that was said. I personally thought it was helpful. I know I can go to counseling by myself, but the problem isn't just me, and I think I'd just end up more frustrated.

His first sergeant is a JOKE. He had to beg to be let out of work to come to the ultrasound appt., and it has been the only appt. he's been able to go to. I know I can't count on him.

telekinetic pyro: I know you've heard most of this before, he WAS doing better about everything, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten pregnant(this was a planned pregnancy). It has just been in the last few months that things have been going downhill again. I have done the "only doing things for myself and Ben" it doesn't work with him. He'll just make himself a bowl of cereal for supper if I cook something just for us, and he has been just washing his clothes, if I don't do it.

*sigh* Maybe he'll actually stay home tonight, and if I don't fall asleep before Ben does, I'll talk to him.

[telekinetic pyro]

At least he is doing his thing and not griping at you about it. Imo, him doing his own thing would be better than having to run around and pick up after two kids! All while being really pregnant with the third. Speaking of that, when do I get to see pictures of your cute pregnant self? Hmm, missy!?

Maybe he is just stressed about leaving you guys and having the new baby. How did he react when you were pregnant with Ben? Good luck, dear

[mamapixie]

Thing is, he was great when I was pregnant with Ben, until he got a job that had rotating shifts, and then he was just never home(but he was making good money, with great benefits). But, he was still much better 6 years ago(pre-Army) then he is now.

[wimbini]

I think he does have an alcohol problem

I know this is tough to hear, but if he is getting drunk every weekend, he has an alcohol problem. Also, and this is really horrible to think about, but are you sure he's behaving himself when he is at the friend's house? If so, why doesn't he take you with him?

I would trust your instincts. This is not your pregnancy hormones, except that they are making you realize what you can and cannot tolerate in your nest.

I think you sound wonderful and brave. He does not sound wonderful or brave at all. You deserve better. Ask yourself what kind of marriage would you want one of your precious children to have. You deserve a marriage like that for yourself.

Hugs.

[mamapixie]

Hmm, I probably won't get a picture of me pregnant until right before I give birth, I only have a few from Ben's pregnancy. Besides, you'd be dismayed, instead of looking 8 months pregnant, I look 6 months, if that. At least, that's what everyone tells me. I feel humongous.

Oh, I do realize he has an alcohol problem, but he doesn't see it as a problem. Trying to talk to him about is like trying to pull teeth. Alcoholism does run in his family, his grandmother is a chain drinker, as soon as she's done with one beer, she opens another one. His little brother tried talking to him about it too, but he just blew it off.

I don't go with him to this friend's house because I can think of better things to do with my evenings than watching two drunk men play video games. Plus, the friend has 2 kids(yes, he drinks and plays video games, and ignores the kids, they're 3 and 1, his wife works nights) that drive me nuts because they are allowed to run the house. Do I trust him? Not entirely, but he doesn't trust me either.

I am unsure as to whether he'll stop all of this when the baby gets here, I'd like to think so, since he will only have 5 months with the baby before leaving for Korea anyway. If not, I guess it's his loss.

And honestly, I don't think I deserve a better marriage, but that's a whole other issue...which I will bring up with a pyschiatrist if I can ever get an appointment with one on base.

[wimbini]

Regarding your replies

It sounds exhausting. And the friend sounds disgusting, letting his babies run around while he drinks and plays video games.

I have never been to al-anon, so I don't know if it is helpful or not, but my mother's family went because my maternal grandmother was an alcoholic. They found it very helpful.

Good luck. There is something about your post which makes me want to hug you and kick his butt.

[Stayathomemommy]

military spouse support!!

HI my hubby is a marine here in Yuma. I understand many of your feelings. He is home all the time and doesnt go out but i still feel lonely! I've never had a job and always stayed home with my baby so i can relate to the expectation by him to keep the house up. I have trouble doing it and i am not even pregnant and my daughter sleeps 3-4 hours during the day..whats my excuse. Anyway, I have found what helps me get through the days and the impossible projects are the incredible friends i have made....some women marines i meet at on base water aerobics. Or marine spouses that attend the same play groups. Get out there and meet people dont be shy ask for help give out your phone #. once you create relationships you'll see how much other wives need you too. you can get friends to help babysit so you can get out and excersize or relax. Basically if you start living for yourself and show him you can be happy and he cant drag you down with him then maybe he'll take the stick out of his butt.

I live in fear everyday that my husband will get sent for a year unaccompanied to Japan. I have friends left and right going and leaving their families. Be tough. I also hear that all the guys do over there is drink cause there is nothing better to do. not to scare you but to warn you that you got to really make a life for your self while he is away and hope he doesnt come back in worse shape. I will definately pray for you and your family.

Angela......

[lorrielink]

you hust right now about you not deserving a better marriage.

you are here , you are unhappy, your feeling are real, i dun care what youve done you absolutly for no reason at all in ne way shape or form deserve to be unhappy!

pregnancy hormones do not make things up by themselves they just put all of them up in your face alot bigger then normal.

i had a cryin fit once when my dh brought my pasta to me with the sauce already mixed in, and i prefure it on top lol

these things should so be understandable by your hubby and i dont care if hes in the mily or not theres no excuse for that kind of behaivor, im with piglet on this.

i would recommend going out and buyin a bunch of new father and loving your prego wife books and a few for yourself, choose a calm moment (i know youll have to be quick) and sit his ass down and tell him you love him and that this is just a stage in there lives and that you want to get through it with him and give him the books and tell him your gonna read some too and that your totally open to ne suggestions he has

BUT! if he blows you off and you have you sweet baby and after a few weeks or so he isnt coming around you need to start thinking for yourlslelf and your baby, they must come first.

he may be a great guy he may be a great father but maybe just not right now..... if he needs time then give it to him, but DONT WIAT AROUND!

sorry if so rough, but i kinda been there and wasted alotta time and energy but to each her own.

good luck hun

[Suzannah]

I agree with Piglet!!! and that crap about you doing all the work at home because you don't "work" is absolutely that: crap. I was a SAHM, and now I work full-time, and being at home is WAY harder.

Preggo hormones are mostly an excuse that helps men process the change; you are right: he needs to be home, helping you and being a man, not a boy. If he was getting it out of his system it should've been gone by the time baby #1 arrived.

On Hubby's side, though: he is probably wicked depressed/scared about going to Korea for a year and just can't deal. Doesn't mean he can act like a child, though!

Good luck!