B-days - Invite the preschool class or not?

[siddie]

I am new to the preschool business and am wondering how you or your preschool handles the issue of birthday parties and invitation lists. So far, most of the kids in the class have invited everyone (there are around 15-18 kids total). I have noticed about half of the class turns up.

The class celebrates together in class with a special snack, singing happy birthday, and a photo collage with a picture of the child marking each year of their life.

Recently, two boys had birthdays in class and then parties where only a select few have been invited on the weekend. It has led to a lot of hurt feelings and taunting. Kids say, I am inviting Max and Ruby but not you. Or even worse, if you invite me, I'll throw your invitation in the gargage. IN light of this, I think the parents/school should recommend that ALL or none of the kids should be invited. I realize that you can't dictate what people do on their weekends but it seems like a fair and managable way to handle things. It reminds me of the days when schools would let kids pick and choose who to give valentines to.

What's the best way to handle this? I have one friend who says she doesn't want to spend a lot of time at kids parties so she only lets her daughter go to a few and allows her to invite 1 child per year of age. For example, when she turned 4 she could pick 4 friends to invite.

[jenaniah]

Jack's school has a rule that unless the entire class is invited invites can't be handed out at school. Last year (when he turned 3) he had around 10 kids at his party (plus baby brothers and sisters and parents/nannys) and it was fine. This year he is having less...so far only Max and Haley although I am sure there will be 4 or 5 others invited.

[mirlee]

We provide a snack at school so he can celebrate with his class and then invite friends from school either by post or by putting an invite in the child's coat cubby. Our school has no policy regarding invites being distributed at school. My approach is be stealthy about the invites I hand out at school and I don't even let my son know I have placed the invite in the cubby.

At our last party there were eight kids including his two cousins.

[mamaduck]

Both the preschool and the elementary school DS attended had a rule that invites needed to be handled via. the mail and NOT via. the school, and that unless the child invited the whole class there was to be *no* disscussion of birthday parties at school. The kids took this rule very seriously, and understood the reasons why.

They do a small celebration for the birthday child at school, so I have never felt particularly obligated to invite the whole class. He chooses 3 or 4 close friends from school to mail invites to. And the other children are neighbors and friends we know from other places.

[L.J.]

I heard the best rule of thumb for birthdays is to invite one more than the birthday. If your child is 4, the appropriate number of kids is 5.

My mom and 2 friends have done the "invite the whole class" --- everyone's agreed it was a nightmare. They've all said, "you'd only do it once".

I think it's too much for the kids, too expensive & just too chaotic.

[maatmama]

"Kids say, I am inviting Max and Ruby but not you. Or even worse, if you invite me, I'll throw your invitation in the gargage"

I teach middle school now, but I have taught 1st and my ds is in preschool. If a child in my ds class said that to him he would be upset. Now I know some of you might think he is to sensitive I personally believe that is his loving 3yo self. IMO as a teacher I would want to address these type of remarks NOW. character education starts at birth at home.

[siddie]

Thank you all for your replies. Jen. and Mamaduck, I wish our school would have rules like that. It is only fair and helps to avoid the whole Charlie Brown's valentine's day scene where one or two kids are really hurt.

MIrlee, the kids usually know what invitations look like by age 3 or 4 so it is obvious to them who has one in their cubby or not regardless of whether they can read or if they see you place them in the cubbies.

L.J., I know that not everyone can afford to or wants to invite the whole class. Actually though, in Hawaii, everyone loves a big party and it isn't unusualy to see 20-30 kids running around the park or jumping in and out of a bouncer. They go to waterparks, the aquarium, or even clubs like the Hard Rock Cafe.

[siddie]

Maatmama, I totally agree with you on the topic of character education. Hurting people with words is often more devastating than actually hitting. I made sure my ds knows that what was said was rude and mean. I also told the teacher what I had heard. Any other suggestions on how to deal with the spiteful comments?

[maatmama]

I am not sure for an entire class...but when these things get said around my friend's children with my son we (me and the other moms) tend to handle it right then and there with talk about empathy (we use words and terms they understand) as middle school teachers we see the devasting effect that the older version of such words and exclusionary behavior has on even the most well adjusted child.

[siddie]

Update: I spoke to one of the teachers today and asked her if she was aware of all of the hurt feelings and issues around the b-day invites/exclusions. She said yes. I said well, I know a lot of people can't afford large parties so maybe the school can recommend that the invitations be mailed out rather than distributed at school. I felt validated when she emphatically replied that there are only 15 kids total in the class so it is really not right to invite 10 and not 5. She said the whole problem could have been avoided if the teachers had just let parents know at the beginning of the year that the entire class should be invited or none.

[mamaduck]

Originally Posted by siddie

She said the whole problem could have been avoided if the teachers had just let parents know at the beginning of the year that the entire class should be invited or none.

See -- I don't think this will work. Who are they to dictate what families can and cannot do during non-school hours? You *can* invite whoever you want to your parties, and its none of the school's business. Asking that invitations NOT be brought to school sounds much more reasonable to me.

[maatmama]

See -- I don't think this will work. Who are they to dictate what families can and cannot do during non-school hours? You *can* invite whoever you want to your parties, and its none of the school's business.

ITA

Asking that invitations NOT be brought to school sounds much more reasonable to me.

On this I would add....AND that children who are not being invited will not be made fun of or made to feel excluded.

[zaftigmama]

Our preschool has a rule that if invites are handed out at school, the whole class has to be invited. I don't believe a school can dictate who is or isn't invited, but they have rights to say how the invitations are handled at school.

We invite the whole class. Halle's turning 3 and from what I get from the teachers she plays with everyone equally. My sister invited the whole class for her boys, until they were in first grade and could tell her about 6 or 7 close friends.

A few kids in Halle's class (just 1 or 2) invited girls only, or boys only, and it seems silly to me at this age. I'd hate to have hurt feelings, and I know the kids love to talk about parties at school. Luckily most families invite everyone (usually everyone can't attend) so no one is hurt.

It's a tough decision, parties can be so expensive.

Take care,

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Our school also has the "if you pass out invitations at school, the whole class must be included" rule. Which I think is perfectly fair and a good way to handle it. Each class also puts together a class roster which lists names, addresses, and phone number of those who chose to list themselves, so you can send things to individual homes if you prefer.

This year, we invited the whole class, which is 22 kids. It took a big gulp, but I thought we could handle it (at a park, with a bounce, and parents invited to stay too). My big gripe was that fewer than 50% of the families bothered to RSVP, which made it impossible to plan very well. In the end, only about 8 boys showed up, which ended up being perfect and it was a great party. But why can't people let you know!