Mamma Bear....

[its_our_family]

Are you a Mama Bear??

I love my boys immensely. I cannot stand for them to be mistreated, feel bad, feel sad, or get pushed around. They are only 2 and 3.5 months. I know it is just going to get worse!!

For instance, we were at the park. There were older kids playing on the little kid side. they kept yelling at Tracy to hurry up out of their way. Then they started pupshing him. Tracy is in the little jungle gym just scooting his weight around and looking scared. He doesn't know where to go or what to do. So, he jsut stands there looking at them. (I'm getting ready to cry just typing...). All of a sudden my adrenaline kicks in and I'm yelling at the older kid to leave my son away. Then I demand to know whose child this is. Then I proceed to tell the laughing women, who is big kids mom, who thinks that this is funny, that she needs to take her child out of the little kids playground!!

I was so mad I scared myself so we left.

It has happend at the indoor playland too. Kids that were too big to be in there knocking down little kids and bouncing off of pregnant women.

Am I the ONLY one who gets riled up when it comes to her children??

[mirlee]

Big kids play rough and are rarely careful around the wee ones. I never hesitate to step in. His safety is my priority. The only problem I have is that many of these bigger kids are bigger than I am!

A big bear to you!

[Greaseball]

I hate it when I take dd to the park and there are other kids there, because they almost always end up jumping on her. It really sucks when their parents won't step in, and there is nothing I can do. My first thought is to smack the other kid! But that would be wrong...

DD was at the park one day and this boy, he was maybe 5 or 6, told her to "get out of the way" and she started to move, but it wasn't fast enough for him, so he kicked her in the face. I yelled at the kid, but he ignored me. His mom saw the whole thing and didn't do anything, so we just left the park. There was nothing else I could do.

I have the same trouble with indoor playlands, like at the pizza parlor. There is one "children's area supervisor" for a huge room with at least 20 kids. The big kids (grade school age) jump in the ball pit that is meant for toddlers, and the manager can't keep an eye on them all. My dd likes to get in the pit and cover herself with the balls and just hang out, but some 60-lb kid always jumps right on top of her, ignoring my requests for him to either go to the big kids' area or at least jump away from her, and I have to drag her out of there. And that play area is actually meant for parents to just leave their kids there! I'm the only parent who is always 3 feet away from her kid at all times when they are there.

So I guess I'm one of those hovering types. I don't know why more parents don't do that. Their kids are always hurting other kids or hurting themselves, and if they would get off the park bench they could do something about it.

[Heavenly]

I am totally a Mama bear! If kids pick on my kids I will get right up in their face. When my son had just turned 3 we were at a playgroup and a kid walked up to Elijah and started smacking Elijah on the head for no reason (I was watching the whole time and I know Elijah didn't do anything, he wasn't anywhere near the kid). I walked right up to the child, who was proceeding to try and pull Elijah's hair, took his wrist to take his hand off Elijah and said "Do not touch my son." in a firm voice. The kid started trying to smack me so I yelled out "who does this kid belong to?" Of course the mother was mad at me because I was being mean to her poor baby. Yeah whatever. I have absolutely no problem standing up for my kids. If my child was at a park and someone kicked him or her in the face I would not leave. I would walk right up to the mother and say "if your child kicks or hits my child again I will be calling the authorities. Your child has no right to assault another person."

[sugarmoon]

I am, but I try not to over-react, for 2 reasons: one, I don't want my ds to see me freaking out all the time (obviously, it *is* good for him to see me being assertive -- I just need to be concious of keeping level headed), two, I'm very rarely *totally* sure of what precipitated an incident, and I try to keep that in mind, and three (okay, so three reasons ), I think it is important to remember that even when another kid is being mean/hurtful to my ds, they are *also* a little kid.

That said, we don't have parks or anything around here. We go to playgroup and storyhour, with a group of 8-10 moms/dads that also go to both, so we all know each other well, and are concious of really teaching the kids to interact in a positive manner.

I did have a major mamma-bear attack at playgroup last week though. The house it was at (we rotate people's homes) had two of those stupid battery powered jeeps that kids ride in. A 4 1/2 yo little girl was sitting in one, not moving, just sitting in the drivers seat. My ds (21 mos) walks over and puts his hand on the door of the passenger side. She had watched him approach, and as soon as he touched the car, she gave him a nasty look and drove away, running over his foot and knocking him down. I picked him up, and stopped her immediately, and told her that what she had done was mean, and that she needed to get out of the car and apologize to my ds. She ran up to the top of the swingset and *screamed* (way louder than my ds, who was actually hurt ). Urg. Her mom didn't see the incident. The girl did eventually apologize, but then monopolized the toy for the rest of the morning. If that were my kid, she would not have been driving the jeeps anymore...

Thanks for letting me vent! I've really been stewing on that incident!

[Piglet68]

These stories are freaking me out. I can feel the Mama Bear rage building in me as I read. I am such a gentle parent to my children, and totally advocate gentle parenting, and yet I have these images of screaming at and shoving aside any child, no matter how old, who would hurt my little girl.

It's actually quite awesome. And I mean that in the real definition of the word. It fills me with awe, the power of this very primeival instinct.

[Embee]

Um, could we look at this from a "shoe on the other foot" perspective? I totally understand the Mamabear thing, I do. But...

Indeed, I make it my responsibility to step in if I feel DS's safety or rights are being infringed upon. I keep a close eye on him whenever we're out of course and if at all possible, step in before someone gets hurt. I am extremely vigilant about stepping in firmly but politely. If the parents aren't paying attention, I add a little volume. What message am I sending to this other child if I reply aggressively to his own aggressive (most likely, oblivious) behavior? What message am I sending my son? I want him to be assertive, but I don't think I would be pleased to see him retaliate aggressively (including yelling) once old enough or big enough to do so. By treating the "offender" with a little respect, he/she has an opportunity to behave in a better way. I've never been disappointed... by the kids or their parents (Clearly from this thread this isn't always the case with some parents *sigh* I must have been lucky so far on this one).

I've found that kids are often quite responsive to adults (particularly those who are NOT their parents) and I haven't had one continue bad behavior toward my son once he/she knew I was watching. In fact, I've even had a few experiences where the older kids actually took DS under their wing or at the very least, were openly careful around him ("hey you guys, watch out for him, he's a baby").

I try hard to treat other kids as I would treat DS. Strangely, this is NOT an easy thing to do. I read this great quote somewhere (probably one of my parenting books ), that, "if we treated other kids like we treated our own, the world would be a better place." Now that DS is 3 1/2 and has let loose a few undesirable behaviors of his own, I am even more humble. He's a great kid and almost always polite and easy going, but even the easiest going of kids can act "colorful" at times.

I'm sorry, I realize this is probably coming across as preachy. I don't mean it to be. I totally get that Mamabear feeling. In fact, even when I approach offenders politely, often times I'm seething on the inside. Once however, that I see them change their behavior to be aware and considerate of others, I never regret my approach to the problem.

Ok, soapbox out.

[savannah smiles]

I do the Momma Bear thing too. I often wonder how much of my reaction is due to the fact that my own mom never protected me and if I'm seeing too much of myself in my dd, ya know?

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by Piglet68

It's actually quite awesome. And I mean that in the real definition of the word. It fills me with awe, the power of this very primeival instinct.

It really is. I hadn't really experienced it until a few months ago. I mean, I knew intellectually that I would always protect my child, no matter what, but I didn't know how my entire body and will would rise to the occasion. We were on a playground and ds, 3, was playing beautifully with some older kids - about 8 years old, I'd say. They were having a chasing game and they were all having a great time, and the older boys were, surprisingly, being very careful with him (I was hovering, of course, while trying to look like I wasn't hovering. :LOL)

There was another groups of boys, about 5 or 6, I'd say, hanging out on the perimeter and, I could see one of them tracking ds with his eyes. I don't know why I noticed, but it just creeped me out. At one point, ds ran through that crowd of boys before I could stop him and I saw the boy grab him by the shirt and try to swing him around. I started to step in, but he let go and ds didn't seem bothered.

The next thing I knew, though, he ran back too close to the boys again and the kid grabbed him again and another kid (whose back was to me and, so, I couldn't see ds well) did this really fast triple punch right at ds. I couldn't see him clearly, so I couldn't see whether he actually hit ds, but before I knew it, I let out this tremendous howl of a "HEY!" I kid you not, it was so loud and ferocious that the entire playground froze. It was like a scene from a movie. I locked eyeballs with the kid and said, "You do NOT hit him! Do you understand me?" He sort of mutely nodded with this shocked expression on his face and I walked over and collected ds and brought him back where he was safe. Then life resumed as normal.

It was totally bizarre - mainly because I was acting entirely on instinct. When I yelled, it wasn't even me yelling. It was some primal beast (which is probably how it sounded :LOL) whose young was being threatened.

Very awesome.

[PurpleBasil]

If any of you mothers talked to my child the way you say you did to other children, with harshness and no gentleness or respect, I'd be livid.

Sure, we all feel mama bear. Of course. But to treat another child with meaness and demands is just WRONG. It doesn't make the situation any better or show your own child an example of gentleness or resolution.

Please try to remember how it might feel if any adult was 'being mean' or demanding apologies from your precious little ones next time you 'get in the face' of a child who hurts your babies.

My god.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by Embee

I try hard to treat other kids as I would treat DS. Strangely, this is NOT an easy thing to do. I read this great quote somewhere (probably one of my parenting books ), that, "if we treated other kids like we treated our own, the world would be a better place." Now that DS is 3 1/2 and has let loose a few undesirable behaviors of his own, I am even more humble. He's a great kid and almost always polite and easy going, but even the easiest going of kids can act "colorful" at times.[/b]

That's interesting. I often feel that it's easier for me to treat other children (on the playground, at least) the way I strive to treat my son than it is sometimes to treat my son that way.

I agree that we should always attempt to be gentle with and respectful of other children. For me, apparently, my limit is direct physical aggression that would put my son in danger of serious harm. Punching, for example - my reaction is apparently severe. When the above example I gave happened, it very much concerned me what ds would get from that (after the fact... I wasn't capable of reasoning that way during the incident). It turns out that what he got from it is that I would protect him. He told me later that he was very scared and that I helped him.

Generally, my tactic is to empower him to help himself with other children. Those conflict situations become "learning" moments, where I help him figure out what he can do or say to bring an agreeable resolution.... or they become another kind of "learning" moment where he learns that sometimes the world is just unfair. But sometimes, a situation calls for more - and that more just happens. IMO, there is a huge difference between just regular ol' aggressive response and the true mama bear instinct. One is an aspect of personality that could probably use some work... the other is a key element that nature infused us with for a reason.

[Dragonfly]

edited for flippancy...

[Greaseball]

If I see a child intending to hurt my child, no way am I going to talk to him nicely, try to distract him with another activity, or involve him in something a little more positive. That child can just be lucky I don't hit him.

[eilonwy]

Originally Posted by playdoh

If any of you mothers talked to my child the way you say you did to other children, with harshness and no gentleness or respect, I'd be livid.

Sure, we all feel mama bear. Of course. But to treat another child with meaness and demands is just WRONG. It doesn't make the situation any better or show your own child an example of gentleness or resolution.

Please try to remember how it might feel if any adult was 'being mean' or demanding apologies from your precious little ones next time you 'get in the face' of a child who hurts your babies.

My god.

If my child punched another child, I'd be very upset and I'd let him know that in no uncertain terms. And if your child tried to punch mine, you'd better believe my reaction would be the same. I'm sorry, but your child's rights end where my child's begin. There are times when a calm, rational reaction is a reasonable thing to expect from an adult, and times when it isn't.

I'm not in favor of humiliating any children, but when their parents clearly aren't watching or just plain don't care about the nasty things that their children do to mine, I feel that it is my obligation to my child to step in and teach that child something. If you're watching your own kids, you won't have to worry about someone else getting in your dc's face.

[its_our_family]

I have never in my life been mean to a child. If I am on the payground and I see any child pushing around ANY child I will say something. but if my son is on a playland thing and has the potential of falling off because some kid isn't obeying the rules of that particular playland you bet your butt I'm saying something to them AND their guardian.

Oh and I'm sure as my son grows it will change. But at this point my petite 2 year old is NOT capable of defending himself.

[Greaseball]

If some other adult yelled at my child, I would be mad too. So it's up to me to make sure they don't have a reason to yell at her. It's up to me to make sure my dd doesn't steal other kids' toys, throw sand, hit other children, shove them out of the way, etc. If I'm not doing my job, and some other parent resorts to yelling at my child, I have no one to blame but myself.