What to do when they won't put their stuff away?

[MommaCheesehead]

I have so had it with my son's lack of respsonsibility with his things.

He walks in the door and just drops everything. The backpack sits inside the door, the hoodie/jacket falls into a heap somewhere near the couch. Magazines, pencil cases, books, video games. He drops them everywhere and just forgets about them.

We've been battling over this for what seems like years. I've started throwing the magazines away (after a fair warning). He doesn't care. He'll look for them days/weeks later and just shrug his shoulders when he can't find them.

We "put his things away" for him on a regular basis. It sometimes takes him hours or days to find our new hiding spots. It's starting to feel like a game to me. I can't bring myself to throw away valuable things. That's just far too wasteful to me.

Anyone else battling this? I don't know what to do to make him more responsible.

[Teensy]

My oldest child is 4, so of course I am very qualified to give you advice on your preteen.

A couple of ideas though:

1. Buy a big gargage can and put it in the garage. Anything he leaves in the common areas of the house get deposited into the can in the garage. Not to be thrown out, but where he has to go dig out anything he wants. If he cant find something, he knows where to look.

2. Give him some time of day he must have everything picked up from the common areas, say 6:00 pm. If he doesn't and you have to remind him, then he loses some privilege (no computer time, no TV, goes to bed 30 minutes earlier) or has some other consequence (must do the dishes, fold a load of clothes and put them away, etc.).

3. Longer term carrot/stick - tell him that you expect him to have everything picked up by 6:00 each day everyday. If he does this for three weeks, you will give him a carrot (day at amusement park, new video game, etc.). If he does not he gets the stick (day of yard work, video game system gets put in the attic for a month, etc.).

Good luck! Messes drive me crazy so if you find a solution that does work, but sure to post it so I can use it when my boys are older.

[sleeping queen]

I take away computer time if I have to pick-up after dd. She has a couple favorite tv shows late afternoon and I also will keep the tv off if she hasn't done her chores for the day. This works for her. It was a little trial and error to find what works at our house.

[Ann-Marita]

I like the garbage can in the garage idea.

We "confiscate" any items that dd hasn't put away (either by a certain time, or when we request it). It's not that we hide them and she tries to find the hiding place - they are in plain view in a large mesh bag. It's that she is not allowed to use the items for a period of time (usually a week, once in a while up to three weeks).

I, too, have trouble with throwing things away - seems such a waste. But if dd is not going to be responsible for her things, then I think it is a natural consequence that she not HAVE her things. At least for a while.

Ann-Marita

[jannan]

i don't have this problem with ds . he drops everything in his room . and i just shut the door so i don't have to look at his mess. but i do remember my father throwing all my belongings that i left in the livingroom out the back window into the backyard. i would resort to this if i needed to......... i'm pretty hard core on issues like this.

[lilyka]

Have you read "Parenting with Love and Logic." It addresses this sort of thing well. here is what I do.

My dd big thing is not putting away her Tae Kwon Do gear. Once i threw her helmet in the garbage can. the real one. I told her she could go without until she bought a new one or dig it out and clean it. She chose the second. it always gets put back in her bag now. she still has trouble with her belt.The thing is practically sacred and she leaves it on the floor. always misplaces it. I talked with her instructor about what would happen if she couldn't find it. she has to go to the end of the line (they line up worst to best - her current place is third form the top. going to the end is quite shameful, expecially since she is standing behind preschoolers. and hse has to do it with a good attitude or do push ups through class.) So she has been more careful with that. Our family rule is if you treat it like garbage so will I. So if it on the floor like peice of garbage I have no problem trowing it away. If it is your problem I don't really care but if it becomes my problem I will create a solution that works for me to deal with it. throw it away, pull her out of TKD because i am sick of her stuff, etc etc. . . How much does he like the things he leaves laying around. COats are nice in the winter. Pencils are handy for school. It wouldn't kill him to got to school without them and suffer the consequences a couple of times. And while I can empathize with my childrens suffering I won't apologize or bail them out. t hese are thier own doing. If you take care of your stuff, you will have it when you need it.

[Marsupialmom]

Would having a “jail” help you? Having him work for it to get it back? If he refuses to work for it back he really doesn’t need it. Give him a week to earn it back or toss/donate it.

I know this is hard with expensive stuff but he will learn.

Also stop buying him stuff. Most of us just have too much stuff. I don’t doubt he doesn’t have to much stuff and need to learn to value the things he has.

[Red]

I say, "Pick up everything that belongs to you fromthe back door, on"

Every day.

And there's no tv, computer, phone, til they do. If I catch them NOT picking up and watching, they can lose their tv priv for the day!

WOrks.

[Alkenny]

2 words...GARBAGE BAG!

My daughter is the worst. I warn her once to pick something up, but if I have to repeat myself I just get a garbage bag out and snap it open and she RUNS!

[GoodFairy]

I like the garbage bin in the garage idea and will be instituting that one.

I have the same problem, DD sees the family room as her personal dumping space and deposits her school bags, sports shoes, handbags, books, papers and odds and sods on the table and all over the floor. She won't take it to her room because that would mess her room up.

Until now I have been throwing it out the back door when I've waited and nagged enough. I give DD fair warning and if ignored I just pick it up and throw it all out the back door.

A friend told me recently that she has a "Sunday bin". She confiscates stuff left lying around and won't let her DS have it back till Sunday whether he needs it or not.

Good Luck.

[MommaCheesehead]

Mmmm, "Sunday bin", I like that

[boobear]

My oldest still listens, somewhat. I am bracing myself for the next few years when she starts with "whatever" and "so what".

I love the Sunday bin, good idea!

My other thought would be to "donate" the item to someone less fortunate, someone who would care about the the item.

I hope you find something that works for you!

[SunnyRose]

I guess I just hassel my 12yr.-EVERYDAY. I'll stand and watch him clean(of course I have to watch him brush his teeth,or he wont do it : ,so that my not help). I'm also a fan of taking away Playstation and making him read. The garbage bin wouldnt work for me...he actually threw $50 out one day cleaning! For some reason he took it out of his bank,put it in an old b-day card and put it on his shelf;eventually throwing it out...didnt even noticed til I asked how much $$ he had,and it was a hand full of change

[anythingelse]

depending on his age- if he is over 13-14 forget it. He sounds like my dh's younger brother that lived with us when we first were married.
I don't think honestly that you can make him more responsible now, he has already learned what he can get away with. And if you are not a 'neat family' & do not have your home set up in a way that you have obvious storage place for backpacks, video games, magazines etc... it makes it harder for kids to learn care of the environment & where to put things so they can find them again. Hiding his things IMHO is a mean game to play, very juvenile and shows a parent in a mean spirited light.
He has lived these habits prob his whole life and until he gets sick and tired of living like that he won't change no matter how much you discuss, punish, pay, or beg. I would take him to IKEA and fix up his room with plenty of good storage and then minimize the stuff as much as possible.

good luck to you!! I've been there till he moved out, he still has the same habits (now he is married)

mom to ds15, ds, 10, ds7, & dd 4

[Alkenny]

Originally Posted by SunnyRose

...he actually threw $50 out one day cleaning!

Oh! This sounds like DD! She cleaned her room the other day and had a garbage bag to throw out. Luckily, I decided to open it up because there was furniture to her dollhouse ($200 wrapped into that thing right now!), money, CLOTHES (it was easier to throw them in the garbage than open a drawer and put them away, I guess!) and hair accessories of MINE!

[3girls1boy]

This is not to say that I have this problem solved, but this is one thing that seems to help in my house: Right as one comes in the front door, there is a row of hooks just for the kids' coats. Just to the left of the door, I got a couple of stacking shelf things so each kid has a cubby for their backpack. I also have a basket for shoes right under the coat hooks. Most of the time, my oldest daughter's cubby has a bunch of stuff in it so not enough room for her backpack, but generally she at least puts it right in front of her space.

[allgirls]

I have controls on the television and computer...one is a computer junkie and one is a tv junkie..nothing goes on until all is put away....

Tomorrow is cleanup day...no tv, no puter til bedrooms and upstairs bathrooms are clean!

[mamawanabe]

ask him for suggestions/solutions to the problem. If he is invested in the solultion, it has a better chance of working.

[stayinghome]

I got so fed up one day that i walked around with a trash bag and threw all the sh*^t in it, and stuck it in the garage. At first they didn't even realise anything was missing (which tells me that they have too much stuff anyway....) but when they did realise it I said that if they leave stuff out, it goes away for a period of time. It helps, but they still do it, and then there's the whole "need" thing- I can't put their backpack or shoes or clothes in there, kwim?