Cesarean Birth and Recovery SUPPORT Thread 11 (MAY 2004) - Page 8

[Katie's Momma]

I too had panned a natural birth but that was not to be. I laboured a very long time and was lucky to have a doctor and nurse who were very supportive of me wanting to keep trying on my own.

However, when the baby started to distress, an emerg c/s was performed.

That was over 3 years ago and I still feel angry and guilty.

To make things worse, DD was sick at birth and was taken immediately into the "Special Care Nursery" so it was almost 3 hours before I got to see and hold her and nurse.

It was an incredibly disappointing experience. I know that the end result is that I have my healthy, beautiful girl, and I know that I tried very hard to birth her on my own, but no matter how much I tell myself that, I still feel like I failed her and as a woman.

[its_our_family]

Originally Posted by Katie's Momma

I still feel like I failed her and as a woman.

I do not feel like I failed my sons but I do feel like I failed as a woman. It is a hard thing to accept.

I'm not sure if all woman have these issues regarding c/b or not. I wonder if women who were not anticipating a wonderful natural delivery at home are as disappointed? I know they must be. But what about the woman who just doesn't care? Makes sense??

[its_our_family]

Do you think our enviroment here at mdc makes us harder on ourselves?

I've been noticing some sigs lately of ppl that list everything they do to make themselves ap. Like my sig could read....

Megan; Wife to Ben and Mom to 2 boys that are co-slept, non-vaxed, intact, vegetarian, recyclers, that were born at home in water, in the yard, into my husbands arms while he was practicing yoga and writing a book on why spanking is abuse.

I don't think there is anything wrong with any of these things but I feel like it has become a contest to see who has the most in their arsenal of ap-ism. kwim?

[KKmama]

Oh Megan, you make me laugh.

Y'know, even though I feel pretty triumphant about my VBAC with ds2, I *did* feel like I had to explain things with that birth, too (because it wasn't "all natural"... I feel like the interventions I had were unavoidable because I had such a long labor and because of my ovary pain, but I also feel like they helped me avoid a repeat C, which was the ultimate goal). But I definitely felt like y'all here understood...

[bwylde]

Originally Posted by its_our_family

I do not feel like I failed my sons but I do feel like I failed as a woman. It is a hard thing to accept.

I'm not sure if all woman have these issues regarding c/b or not. I wonder if women who were not anticipating a wonderful natural delivery at home are as disappointed? I know they must be. But what about the woman who just doesn't care? Makes sense??

I never felt this way personally. I had planned a hospital birth with DS from the start as we dont' have midwives here and I never heard about UC until about a year after he was born. I was planning 100% natural from the start though and c/s was not on my list of options. However when it came to the point that I needed one, I was able to accept it and never looked back. Now that I'm quickly approaching my second birth, I have the same attitude, 100% natural, c/s not on my list of options (unless something life or death goes wrong, which I now know can happen ) but if I have to have one, there will be no anger or regrets. I don't feel like I failed in any way and never grieved the loss of a natural birth.

But that's just me and I know everyone is different. Maybe that's why I don't post much on this thread because so many are hurt and angry about theirs and I don't feel that way about my experience :

[Peppermint]

Carla- It's good that you don't feel that way, you can still be supportive of those who do. I am now at peace with all of my c-births, it's a different process for everybody. I think it is hardest when you question the necessity of the c-birth, or when you truly had your heart set on something like a homebirth. I had planned 100% natural, but I never had any expectation that it would be all beautiful and wonderful, yk? If I had planned a homebirth with my dh "catching" and laboring in a tub of water with Enya playing in the background, etc- I would've been much more disappointed.

IOF- your list cracked me up :LOL.

[LisaG]

IOF wrote: I'm not sure if all woman have these issues regarding c/b or not. I wonder if women who were not anticipating a wonderful natural delivery at home are as disappointed? I know they must be. But what about the woman who just doesn't care? Makes sense??

Good question - I wonder that too and then I go to this really icky place of "well because it's so important to me I'm somehow more entitled to a v/b than some other woman who put blind faith in her doc, so it sucks more for me" and that's just waaaay over simplifying things and besides, last I checked God hadn't promoted me to Goddess of all Births, so I try to remember to take a deep breath and surrender. Some days are better than others

Oh, and your list comment - you read my mind! :LOL Why do we get so attached to labels like that?

Bwylde wrote: But that's just me and I know everyone is different. Maybe that's why I don't post much on this thread because so many are hurt and angry about theirs and I don't feel that way about my experience

Personally, I take comfort in knowing not everyone hated their c/s. Gives me hope

Tammy - nice to see you . Comments like the ones you mentioned are ones that I am giving myself permission to loose my temper over should they occur. I'm a fairly easygoing individual - but that's just inexcusible. Although I will say I had a client who'd had what I'd call a vaginal c/s - ripped herself to shreds. Given that scenario I can see why she would've preferred a c/s.

How's your physical recovery going? Anythings you'd recommend doing differently in retrospect?

Amy - thanks so much for the babydust I am really excited, and fortunately feeling much calmer this time around. And you hit the nail on the head - while I'm not sure I'm willing to do ANYTHING to have a baby, I'm certainly willing to have a c/s for one. For me the reward is greater than the it-totally-sucks factor. Thanks for that reminder!

LisaG

[its_our_family]

Originally Posted by bwylde

but if I have to have one, there will be no anger or regrets. I don't feel like I failed in any way and never grieved the loss of a natural birth.

I don't feel this way now. I would have loved a natural birth but it didn't happen. After my first c/b I felt guilty for not feeling bad about it. I was kinda numb to the whole thing. It was about 6 months later I really felt sad about it. Then it all went away.

I wish I would have attempted vbac with Bryce. But I didn't and I'm fine with it. My experiences were pretty good.

If we have another babe I will vbac... I think

[tammylc]

Originally Posted by LisaG

Tammy - nice to see you . Comments like the ones you mentioned are ones that I am giving myself permission to loose my temper over should they occur. I'm a fairly easygoing individual - but that's just inexcusible. Although I will say I had a client who'd had what I'd call a vaginal c/s - ripped herself to shreds. Given that scenario I can see why she would've preferred a c/s.

How's your physical recovery going? Anythings you'd recommend doing differently in retrospect?

I found that a lot of people wanted to say something helpful, but had no idea what that might be, thus the "well, at least he'll have a round head" comments. And the "no big deal" woman doesn't know the meaning of the word tact, so I didn't really expect anything better from her...

Re. my physical recovery - I'm pretty happy with it, all things considered. I overdid it a little after my help went home, but realized that I was pushing to hard and slowed down again. My pulling pain is finally starting to go away - I still have to be careful about how I get up off the floor, but other than that it's rare that I get a twinge. Thank goodness, cause that was the most painful part of the whole experience for me!

[wrensmom]

IOF- your comment about labeling ourselves made my laugh outloud. Serioulsly, I almost woke the baby (whom I can't believe is still sleeping this am).

I feel like my body failed me. I believed in a woman's ability to birth her baby. I still do but I'm figuring out how my experience factors into this postition. Does that make sense?

So, I just got the news last night that another friend due within days of the first friend, also planning a homebirth ended up at the hospital with a c-section. I feel rotten for my jealousy over yet another peaceful homebirth feeling. More than that I really feel for her. I don't know what happened or how she's feeling now but I'm sad for her 'cause the whole mess is alot to go through. gotta go dd's awake

[Kiki Runs]

I've been thinking about it and I guess I don't feel that my body let me down. I feel that I let MYSELF down, and (more so) that my birth attendants (everyone involved) let me down. I can recognize that *I* made some poor choices, but that I was not supported AT ALL in trying to avoid those choices. Make sense? I am accepting responsiblity, but at the same time accepting that I was in a tough place with no support.


Of course, I am one of those who adamantly feels that the c/s was unnecessary. So that adds a whole other layer of disgust/disappointment. I feel like if there had been a "problem", making the c/s necessary, I wouldn't have so much resentment about it. On the other hand, then I might feel my body had let me down. I don't know.....


I do feel some jealousy toward women who put NO THOUGHT at all into their births, but somehow traipse through with no problem. Mamas who think, research, plan, WORK for "good" births and get them, I am glad for. Yeah, I wish I'd been able to have that great experience, but I don't begrudge those who've worked for it.

It is really hard for me to hear about mamas who just did what the doc told them, blindly following along, and had it turn out "great". It's not FAIR!! I worked my butt off to try to have the best birth for my babe, and to hear about someone who couldn't even stop smoking during their pregnancy breezing through an intervention-filled labor really gets me.

I think part of it is b/c I'm thinking "Look at XXX, she didn't have any problems, and she didn't even CARE how it turned out". Do I think anyone "deserves" to have a c/s? No. Do I think I "deserved" a vaginal birth more than someone who didn't care one way or the other and didn't prepare at all? Yes. I'll be honest about that. Obviously, I would NEVER tell a new mama that (or anyone IRL, probably), but I do think it briefly.



Kinsey

[tammylc]

Although I mostly manage to avoid it, I've got some self blame going on too...

I had my c/s because my baby was breech. I know that many babies have been vaginally delivered breech for thousands of years. Heck - my dad was breech. Three of my grandma's four babies were breech. All delivered vaginally.

My midwives were willing to attempt to deliver me at home. Not *eager* mind you - but willing, if I were willing to take on the responsibility of the increased risks to the baby. I did my research, I looked at the dangers, and I *chose* to get a c-section. (Although only after trying every trick in the book to get DS to turn.) So sometimes I kinda go "What right do I have to feel bad about it?"

And then, of course, I get it from both sides - the people who think a c/s is no big deal and don't understand why I even care, and the people who think that I should have gone ahead with a homebirth anyway.

[Jessica36]

OK I have been somewhat skimming lately - Migraine day2 - I feel as if I have accepted my C/b's. I know for a FACT that if I hadn't had it with #1 he wouldn't have made it. However with #2 I should have been more open minded about a VBAC. I amthinking I will talk to my new OB about that option when and if we go for #3

[Kiki Runs]

I know, it IS hard to have made a choice to have a c/s. In the end, I chose to go ahead with my c/s, too (although it's not like I had much of a choice....GRRRRR). That's something I wrestle with. Just last night, I was laying awake thinking about how much I wished I'd MADE them help me onto hands and knees. Or even in the OR, once I realized my epidural wasn't working, MADE them let me try pushing again.


I just have to keep looking forward to how differently I will do it next time - learn from my mistakes (ie, stay the heck away from a hospital!).


I have also been thinking recently about what is expected of women after a c/s. Hello!! It's major surgery! Yet we're expected to be up and around almost immediately. WTH!! Can you imagine if it were a man being cut open? He'd be chilling on the couch for a while before he even THOUGHT about getting around. Yet, so many people think c/s is not a big deal.


My MIL had a hysterectomy around the same time I had DS. She took great delight in informing me that she knew exactly how I felt, b/c it was the same surgery. Right....except she didn't labor for 41 hours, push for three, go without food for a day and a half, all after using her body to build another person for nine months.

She also reported, in great detail, how she was to "take it easy", b/c her surgery was "major". She then told me that she started doing sit-ups the day after DH was born, and that I needed to "get started immediately" on getting back in shape/losing weight.

So I guess those "identical" surgeries we had came with different after-care instructions, huh? Which doesn't surprise me - after all, MIL's WAS surgery, while mine was "just a different way to give birth". Whatever.


Kinsey

[Katie's Momma]

Originally Posted by its_our_family

Do you think our enviroment here at mdc makes us harder on ourselves?

I know this has not influenced me, because I just joined and have had these feelings since DD was born in May 2001. (In fact I didn't know what there was a real thing called AP until she was a few months old....)

I haven't been here long, but I do feel constrained in what I should and should not share here though. DH and I are very gentle, child-guided parents and I consider us AP, but there are a lot of "typical AP traits" such as CD or non-vax that we did not follow.

I think as women we are hard on ourselves, period. I also think that because I worked so hard during my pregnancy to plan/prepare for a natural birth that my expectations were too high. I believed that I could do it and when I couldn't then I felt like I failed.

I hope someday I come to terms with this.

[its_our_family]

This might sound "not so nice" but think about it. Your child is in your "direct" care for 18 years. Labor and delivery takes up about a week max. Now, I know it takes longer for physical recovery. But there is so much to look forward to in your life and in theirs that I would hope in 18 years it would be something in the past. If it isn't, maybe you need real help. We can't dwell on the things in life that already happened that we didn't like because it will affect the rest of the life we have to live.

[AnaNicole]

It's nice to think that one short event (in the grand scheme of things, yes, birth is a "short" event) won't affect us for the rest of our lives--or cast a shadow over the 18 years in which we are raising our kids...but I do believe that everything that happens to us molds us slowly into the people we are becoming. And we never stop becoming--life is a journey, after all, not a destination.

For me, I planned my c/s because I had to. I had a previa that never went away and I had two months to get used to the idea that a fourth homebirth was not to be. I was simultaneously relieved and mortified by the prospect of a straightforward birth with no labor. After my third child's birth--long, hard labor with her in a posterior position for most of it--I honestly wasn't looking forward to laboring again. And yet...my cesarean felt like such a violation of my body. I struggle with the fact that I didn't give birth to my son--somebody else extracted him from me. And this event has changed me. I am not the same person I was before.

Will I get over it? Absolutely. I doubt there are many among us who are so haunted by their birth experiences that their "dwelling" affects the rest of the lives they live with their children. But, I could be wrong. Suffice to say that I look back over my life and see a chain of events--a rape, an abortion, a marriage, three beautiful homebirths, illness, divorce, another marriage and, now, a cesarean--have shaped me into a person I feel rather proud to be.

Of course, I also get "real help" on a regular basis, and have been doing so for the past four years.

[wrensmom]

I've been thinking about what I said this am. I have to say that I don't think my body failed me. I have to agree with kinsey43 that I tend blame myself for her malposition before and during labor. But as AnaNicole mentioned, we are a molded into the people that we become by the events we experience in our lives. Even in the weeks after my c/b I felt like there had to be a reason that I needed to experience a c-section. Other than the reasons that were given for section of course i.e. arrest of dilation.
IOF- I hope that I work through this much faster than 18 years. Your right, if I'm still mourning the loss of my v/birth or blaming myself for not doing enough two decades from now I definately need some help getting past it. It's been a year for me. Some days I feel like I've made some progress and healed a little and other days I feel like I've taken two steps back. Mostly though I feel like I'm making headway. Hashing it out here and with friends and family has really helped me in that process.

[Henry's_Mamma]

I agree with Ana and wrensmom ... the c/s has changed me and I have to believe there is some greater purpose for why I needed to experience the c/s and why it needed to change me in a particular way. I often forget both of those things so I appreciate the reminder. I think IOF is correct to the extent that if we are still grieving in 18 years, something is seriously wrong. But I don't think its unreasonable to still be grieving a year or two after. After all, when we grieve the loss of a loved one, it doesn't just go away in a month or two. It is a process of healing. And for many of us, we had pictured our "perfect birth" for months or years before, so in essence, that now lost birth experience (or the idea of it, anyway), had become a part of our lives. We need time to let it go and heal.

I don't even know if what I just said made any sense (I haven't had my coffee yet). But I do know that I am going to try to focus on what it is I am supposed to learn from this experience (the why did this have to happen to me reasons) as there is nothing I can do to change it. With that said, do any of you have a sense of the greater reasons for why you had a c/s (not the failure to progress reasons, the fate-based reasons)?

[Peppermint]

The reason (outside of medical) that I ended up with c-births. Well, I used to be quite judgemental of people who "took the easy way out" with birth, with giving up on BFing, etc. My first child came to me via scheduled c-section, and then we had a horrible time with nursing to boot. This was just part of me becoming a less judgemental person.

Also- I like to be in control, and I have never been so "not in control" as I was during my c-births, so maybe that was another thing I needed to go through.