Cesarean Birth and Recovery SUPPORT Thread 11 (MAY 2004) - Page 4

[Icequeen_in_ak]

HUGE vent

I know this is going to get really long, so please bear with me. I'm just so upset right now!!!

I know this is silly, but a co-worker of my DHs went into labor today. She was due in a couple of days and she worked the whole way through (my husband made a habit of telling me "yeah, she made it all the way to the end) like I'm suppose to feel some level of guilt for being placed on full bed rest at 21 weeks? But that isn't even my vent.

He said that he told her that he really was disappointed that he never got the "honey, it's time" experience. You see, my contractions started at 21 weeks, were held at bay with trebuteline (sp?) until week 35, and then I had contrax 3-5 minutes apart for the following 11 days before they started pitocin and then ultimately delivered via c-section.

Now here is my vent... I was talking this over with my mother (and other family members in the past, but I usually get the same response from them)... she told me "you never really had real labor"... EXCUSE ME??? 11 DAYS DOESN'T QUALIFY???? What??? It was fake??? She responded with, "no, you never got to pushing labor... that is the stuff that really hurts" So I guess my 11 days with no sleep (because they were painful enough that I couldn't sleep through them) and the fact that my stomach was cut open to bring this child out, doesn't qualify as "having experienced the pain of childbirth" And what is so bad... is part of me thinks "yeah, I didn't experience it".

I don't know why these comments still bug me so much, so long afterwards, but I'm seriously p*ssed off at my mother right now And oddly enough, I'm finding myself very jealous of my DHs co-worker because her pregnancy and labor experience thus far couldn't be anymore text book....

[KKmama]

Ooh, I'd be pretty mad at what he said...

Something I'm so aware of after my most recent pregnancy is that we all seem to have our own passage through it... we all have our own trials, and if you had to go on bed rest at 21 weeks, it is *not* your fault. You ought to be congratulated for your patience and perserverance, because it sounds like you were able to successfully carry your baby to term and have a healthy outcome.

If I had 11 days of 3-5 minute contrax I'd go insane. I was ready to lose it after 38 hours. And FWIW, in my own recent experience, the pushing wasn't the painful part (except for my ovarian cysts, which really have nothing to do with childbirth!); the *labor* was the painful part.

I'm really sorry for their insensitivity... it's even worse that it's your dh and your mom. Feel free to vent away here...

[shelbean91]

Icequeen- you definitely had real labor. In my experience, pushing labor is the good part, the stuff leading up to it is way harder. For my first 2, it was a relief to get to the pushing part and actually less painful. So, I'd have to say, you got the hardest of both situations.

[Henry's_Mamma]

I agree. The pushing was a RELIEF. The labor was hard. Icequeen, you had plenty of real labor (and bless your heart for lasting so long!). I'd also be pretty mad at your dh and your mom. Shame on them! Vent away as much as you need to ...

[mamasarah]

icequeen, i don't know if you read one of my recent posts, but comments like those STILL bother me, even 2 years later. insensitive comments will always be insensitive comments and i am sorry that you have to hear them from family. <<<<<HUGS>>>>>> .... hang in there.

[Icequeen_in_ak]

mamasara,
no... I haven't seen your posts, but it's very reassuring to know that I'm not entirely mental

I often wonder to myself why I have such strong emotions related to my birth experience. I think part of it is because I know I'll never have another experience to try and "rectify" my last (I can't have any more children ) actually, that probably is exactly what it is.

It's just reassuring to know that there truly is a healing process (and I'm not talking strictly physical) and that it DOES take time. I guess only the people who have been through it can truly understand.... but then I run into people (very mainstream) who've been through it and think I'm nuts for even thinking bad about it???

Maybe I am nutty

[OnTheFence]

Originally Posted by Icequeen_in_ak

I know this is going to get really long, so please bear with me. I'm just so upset right now!!!

I know this is silly, but a co-worker of my DHs went into labor today. She was due in a couple of days and she worked the whole way through (my husband made a habit of telling me "yeah, she made it all the way to the end) like I'm suppose to feel some level of guilt for being placed on full bed rest at 21 weeks? But that isn't even my vent.

He said that he told her that he really was disappointed that he never got the "honey, it's time" experience. You see, my contractions started at 21 weeks, were held at bay with trebuteline (sp?) until week 35, and then I had contrax 3-5 minutes apart for the following 11 days before they started pitocin and then ultimately delivered via c-section.

Now here is my vent... I was talking this over with my mother (and other family members in the past, but I usually get the same response from them)... she told me "you never really had real labor"... EXCUSE ME??? 11 DAYS DOESN'T QUALIFY???? What??? It was fake??? She responded with, "no, you never got to pushing labor... that is the stuff that really hurts" So I guess my 11 days with no sleep (because they were painful enough that I couldn't sleep through them) and the fact that my stomach was cut open to bring this child out, doesn't qualify as "having experienced the pain of childbirth" And what is so bad... is part of me thinks "yeah, I didn't experience it".

I don't know why these comments still bug me so much, so long afterwards, but I'm seriously p*ssed off at my mother right now And oddly enough, I'm finding myself very jealous of my DHs co-worker because her pregnancy and labor experience thus far couldn't be anymore text book....

I am pissed off for you. I think I will respond to this later but {{{hugs}}} for now!

[Henry's_Mamma]

Originally Posted by Icequeen_in_ak

I often wonder to myself why I have such strong emotions related to my birth experience. I think part of it is because I know I'll never have another experience to try and "rectify" my last (I can't have any more children ) actually, that probably is exactly what it is.

It's just reassuring to know that there truly is a healing process (and I'm not talking strictly physical) and that it DOES take time. I guess only the people who have been through it can truly understand.... but then I run into people (very mainstream) who've been through it and think I'm nuts for even thinking bad about it???

I am SO sorry. I'm sure this plays a huge role in your emotional recovery. You are grieving and you are entitled to grieve. No one can take that away from you and it is LEGITIMATE. You will naturally go through the whole range of grieving emotions, just as if you lost someone close to you. And for you, there is a whole other layer (the loss of future children), and I cannot even begin to comprehend what that must feel like to you. But we can offer love, support, and an understanding ear.

Many of us here understand your grief over your lost birth experience, so it is a safe place to work through your emotions. And there are a lot of mainstream people (and dhs and moms and mils, etc.) who will think you're nuts. Ignore them. You are safe here in your feelings which are justified. And if you're nuts, then so are the rest of us.

[Icequeen_in_ak]

Thanks to all of you!! I'm a really trying to work through all of this and it's so reassuring to know that I can express my feelings to you guys and I won't be judged or made to feel idiotic.

As far as working through the loss of future children, I try to remind myself that I am soooooo incredibly blessed to have this beautiful daughter of mine, who is strong, healthy and wonderful!!! I had 3 m/c's before her, so she truly is my miracle!!! I wish I could say that reminding myself of what I have makes it easier, but sometimes it still hurts. I suppose, just like everything else... it just takes time.

Thanks again to all of you WONDERFUL women!!!!!

[Al Dente]

Icequeen-I'm a little late on replying to this...but just wanted to tell you that I got the same reaction from my dh. Had the nerve to tell me it wasn't like I delivered him or anything, they just cut him out of me. It's taken us a bit of time to heal from that comment, and he now knows it's a "don't go there" topic. Maybe have a conversation with your mom...I would, cuz for me it would just fester everytime I saw her if I didn't get it out. to you mama...your dd is lucky to have such a sensitive, caring mom.

Rachel

[KKmama]

I just want to add that whatever feelings each of us has about our cesareans, this is a *great* place to talk about it. Our feelings about these births can be pretty darned complex, and I really feel like this is one of those "takes one to know one" kind of thing... sometimes, people who haven't experienced cesarean births (like men, and women who've been fortunate enough to avoid them) just don't realize...

[tammylc]

Taking advantage of a momentary sleeping baby moment to say hi.

Physically, even though I'm 5 weeks PP, in some ways I feel worse than I did earlier. All my help went home after 3 1/2 weeks, so I've been having to do more. Liam's been a gassy, fussy little guy, and his favorite soothing position is uncomfortable for me. But so's a crying baby, so what's a mom to do?

Emotionally, things are also hard. As much as I agree that some of the DH's mentioned in this thread recently are insensitive jerks, I often feel that way about myself. I'm still really uncomfortable talking with other mom's about their birth experiences, because I feel like I never really had one. I can't talk about how I knew I was in labor or any of that. I never had a smidgen of labor. Heck, I never had any significant Braxton-Hicks or prelabor, for that matter. I woke up on the specified morning, and went in to have my baby cut out of me.

Maybe I should have waited to go into labor before having the section. Maybe I'd feel less cheated that way.

[its_our_family]

Tammy-- You aren't an "insensitive jerk". I think it is safe to say that you were robbed of something. I'm not going to lie. I think a lot of us were. It's just that a lot of us are farther out and have come to terms with it all. At least I have. It takes time. Your still new to the whole first pp c/b thing. (Incidently...your Liam was born on a great day!! My T was born on April 26th!!!)

For the first time I had someone ask me..."Aren't you glad you had a c/b with Bryce. He is so big!" I looked her dead in the face and said, "No" She was a little shocked because I could tell she expected to hear me say yes. Now granted the irl is only 16 but I gave her her first lesson in childbirth. NEVER let someone tell you you HAVE to have a c/b for baby size. Her mom agreed, her last baby was 10 lbs 13 oz after having 2 babes under 8 pounds , and she gave birth vag.

No, I'm not GLAD I had a c/b. It wasn't what I wanted but I think I made the best out of both situations. Now I'm living with the fear that I'll never get the chance to do something different. I want another baby someday and dh doesn't. We've already had 2 more than we planned and 1 more than he wanted. If I ever do get pg again I WILL vbac. I know it. I have more of a desire to vbac now than I ever did... weird how it hits now that I have had a repeat!

[KKmama]

You know, it was really weird for me to discuss childbirth after I had ds1 (who was a C). So many people just don't understand cesareans and all their implications. And I didn't have a smidgen of labor either. I *was* really glad ds was okay (I was really overdue and he went into distress--frankly, I feel lucky they caught it in time). Even though I didn't really feel bad about having a C (didn't enjoy the recovery--ug--but I felt the C was necessary and not entirely horrible), I felt like I was from another planet when other mamas discussed labor and vaginal childbirth, because I went such a different route.

I still feel a little different, even though I just had a VBAC. I had a really long labor (38 hrs, plus several rounds of "warming up" in the weeks preceeding). I had some interventions I had wanted to avoid initially, but which I feel were necessary and/or helpful in the end in achieving a VBAC and avoiding a repeat C (I had an epidural after reaching exhaustion after the first 28 hrs or so, I had a teeny bit of pitocin to keep things going, I had a small episiotomy to slow down a tear that started going in a really bad direction). I live in a pretty darned crunchy place, and a lot of my peer group does home birth. I'm really pleased with how things went, but I'm still not sure that I can discuss this birth and "fit in", if you know what I mean. Even though I did a really great thing--I had a VBAC--I still didn't achieve what would be a "perfect" birth in their eyes. I'm getting to the point where I'm accepting how *my* body does pregnancy and childbirth...

[Jessica36]

Originally Posted by Icequeen_in_ak

Now here is my vent... I was talking this over with my mother (and other family members in the past, but I usually get the same response from them)... she told me "you never really had real labor"... EXCUSE ME??? 11 DAYS DOESN'T QUALIFY???? What??? It was fake??? She responded with, "no, you never got to pushing labor... that is the stuff that really hurts" So I guess my 11 days with no sleep (because they were painful enough that I couldn't sleep through them) and the fact that my stomach was cut open to bring this child out, doesn't qualify as "having experienced the pain of childbirth" And what is so bad... is part of me thinks "yeah, I didn't experience it".

Ok with ds#1 I had constant contractions from like 23 weeks. They also had to be stopped and I was on bedrest also. My old OB told me towards the end that they weren't real contractions since I wasn't dialating. I pointed out that they hurt like hell and spiked to 100's, so they were real, just not productive. So I can always say I was in labor, and I experienced productive labor also, for a few months, it just wasn't productive. I wanted to SMACK him everytime he said that. After I corrected him about 10 times he changed his phrasing with everyone! So my point, you were in labor for 11 days it just wasn't as "productive" as it needed to be.

HUGS

[Peppermint]

OTF- notice anything new under your name?

I was going to tag IOF with hers, but someone beat me to it, so Cynthia asked if I wanted to get anyone else- and I thought of you our resident "rebel".

[Jessica36]

I LOVE IT!!!!!! Thanks!

[Peppermint]

Nope Jessica- someone else tagged you

I got OTF- (OnTheFence).

[TexasSuz]

Well ladies looks like I am . So I guess I will be having my seconded scheduled c-birth in January. I have never even felt a contraction -weird! I am so glad I have you gals to help prepare me for this birth. I really want it to go better than the last time. I know more now than I did then but I am still scared.

I'm a little nervous how my AP mom's group will react to my birth. The homebirth mom get praised for their strength and all but no one ever says that a c-birth mom was strong or brave! And I refuse to even explain to them why I am having a c-birth. I should not have to explain my medical problems to them or defend my actions!

I'll definately be on this thread more!

Susan

[Icequeen_in_ak]

Congrats!!!!

I think so many times in AP circles they give us the 20 questions about c-births because they may feel that we've been led astray and don't know that we can have VBAC or something.

I COMPLETELY understand why you don't feel the necessity to explain yourself though! And I also completely concur with your statement that the homebirth moms are strong and courageous... what about us??? I think the recovery from being cut in half, trying to mend our bodies on very little sleep and usually with very little help should be COMMENDED!

Who ever said c-section was taking the easy way out is an IDIOT!