How did life change with two?

[squeakermansmom]

How did life change when you added the second child?

and how did the age of your first child play into this?

we want to try for a second child soon.....now just trying to determine the best time....

thanks,
jodi, mom to joseph 3-31-02

[Viola]

My daughter was almost 4.5 when my second baby was born. I didn't plan to have quite that amount of time--I originally only wanted 3 years--but events transpired in such a way that we had over 4 years. I expected it to be so difficult and I was prepared to never leave the house for 6 months, but Jessie fit in really well. In some ways it has been easier having two than having one 4 year old, but that just could be because of the 4 year old's development. Towards the end of my pregnancy she got really needy and demanding. I was going stark raving mad, but my friends told me that after the baby came, she would do more things for herself simply because she would have to. That did seem to happen. She's had a few feelings of insecurity and days of being less than thrilled with having a sister, but all in all it's been pretty smooth. They even play together pretty well, which I wouldn't have expected with the age difference, but no one can make Jessie laugh the way Molly can.

I think my marriage is a little more stressed as my husband has to do more with Molly. I guess I can't have three or the children will outnumber the parents. :LOL

[L.J.]

My kids are 4 years apart.
It's been good. My oldest has learned alot & has been very helpful from the beginning. I think if they were closer together it would have been difficult for me.
You will make any age difference work.

[zaftigmama]

Life definitely got harder with two, but not twice as hard. And looking back on it, it wasn't that hard - or at least, the hard parts didn't last too long.

My daughter turned 2 about three weeks after my son was born. She was old enough to talk about the baby and be excited, but too young to really get it. She was very upset when I was in the hospital (because of complications with my son I was there for a week) and when she came to visit it was very stressful because she really wanted me home. And of course I really wanted to be home. I was hormonal and stressed about about my son anyway, so it was a lot to deal with.

When we first got home, she would get very upset if the whole family wasn't together. I remember asking her if she wanted to come on an errand with me or stay home with dad, and she lost it. So, we did everything together for a short time, and she got over it.

It's definitely a juggling act. Most of the time it was great. The baby slept a lot, I was able to do a lot with my daughter. She loved to help find clothes or blankets for the baby, and watch me nurse him. She still nurses as well, so she loved talking about all the nursing (we talked about it to perfect strangers in stores as well!).

A few times I was giving her a bath and the baby woke up screaming. Or I'd be trying to do bedtime with her and Ari would need to nurse. I definitely remember one or two nights wondering if I was meeting anyone's needs at all, what had I done to my family, etc.,. But 99% of the time it's been fantastic. I love watching Halle as an older sister. I love seeing Ari's face when Halle comes into the room. I can't believe how well they play and interact together. It's been more than worth the bad times.

Now I have to convince DH we need at least one more...
Take care,

[lizziejean]

My kids are 18 months apart and it was AWFUL for at least the first 6 months and pretty bad for a year or so after that. The younger one is now almost 2 and it's not so bad now. Things that made it worse than it could be were: baby had reflux/colic; big sister is 'spirited'; no family nearby; dh works long hours and had a 2 hr commute each way at the time.

The worst things are when they both need you at once - when you're trying to nurse the baby back to sleep at 5.30am and the older one wakes up and needs you... when the younger one is in the high chair squawking whenever the spoon action slows down and the older one is throwing a tantrum over imperfectly prepared sandwiches... when the older one is screaming 'don't leave me!' at the preschool door and trying to escape out the door, and the younger one is screaming and wriggling because you won't let him down to go play in the paint... oh and how about when all three of you have the stomach flu and you're nursing two children who have stopped eating while throwing up yourself? that was a good one.

So - 18 months apart is TOO CLOSE, got it? :-)

Among my friends, who all now have 2 kids, it looks like the easiest is when the kids are really far apart, ie the older one is practically in school already; however that has downsides - the kids are not entertained by the same stuff as easily; they won't maybe be as likely to be as close during their childhood; and you have given up a few more years of childfree retirement! Definitely the key is having an older child who can wait a few minutes or even half an hour before you get to them - so 2 years, or maybe 2.5? would be an ideal age difference.

Anyway as someone else said, you will make it work, whatever it is... good luck!

[Piglet68]

I've only just begun this journey, with number two still in the womb. But he has made his presence known in my stamina, etc.

The issue we are dealing with now is nightweaning and I am SOOOO glad that we spaced our kids as we did. DD is 22 months and handling some nursing restrictions beautifully. I would be devastated if I got PG earlier and had to forcibly wean, or supplement (my milk supply has definitly dwindled).

I know this is only one of many, many issues when number two comes along, but that's where we are right now. And I'm very happy with it and how it's going. sounds like you'll have excellent spacing, too.

Oh yeah, DD had her first night of "babysitting" last night (mum watched her at our place for 90 minutes while DH and I went on a date). It went beautifully, she had a ball, and I cannot tell you how much this will help us when it's time for the birth, etc.

[famousmockngbrd]

:

I always read these threads avidly because I want another one/am terrified by the thought of another one.

[Viola]

Originally Posted by lizziejean

So - 18 months apart is TOO CLOSE, got it? :-)

LOL, I know a lot of people with this age difference, and it definitely can be difficult. It would have been hard for me because at 18 months my first dd was very needy and emotional, and continued to be for awhile. I don't know how she would have changed if I had another baby and couldn't give her all my attention, but the truth is that I couldn't give her all the attention she wanted anyway. Or maybe I could have but I didn't, although since it was just she and I so much of the time I was always her focus, even if I wasn't doing all she wanted me to do.

My 7 month old is pretty easygoing and sometimes I think it would be cool to have another baby in a year, but who knows how she will change in a year. She definitely seems to be more of a go get 'em type of child, the one that will eat coins and run into the street, so she'll have her own unique challenges.

[nikirj]

Mine are 22 months apart.

Life suprisingly wasn't/isn't that difficult. My first is very independent (she was a very high-needs baby but became a super independent toddler) and my second was a very laid-back baby. Of course, my second has become quite the hyperactive toddler and this has been a little more interesting, but by the time you get this far it isn't a shock anymore - it is more about getting past the first several months. For us, those first several months were super-easy. DH had requested all of his family leave, supposing that DS would be as difficult to deal with as DD and I'd need all the help I could get - instead, I sent him back after 3 days because it turned out to be so easy (and hey, that vacation time was nice that summer...). My daughter really took to my son and I don't think we've ever really had any jealousy issues (it could help that he's laid-back and that they tandem nursed). Now I'm pg with #3 and we'll see how that goes - DS is 2.5 and DH has said he wants the kids to "respond to voice control" (as in, understand what we're saying and not just spaz when we ask them to, say, walk further from the curb) before we had #3 (I think we're mostly there).

[farmer mama]

My kids are a liitle over 3 years apart and I love the spacing. Dd was still nursing when my ds was born, but she was old enough to let his needs come first. I was able to just put him in the sling and do the things dd loves. Now they are great playmates and entertain each other all day. I have found having 2 has been definitly easier for me.

[Heavenly]

My two are 21 months and it was pure hell for the first year! My son is/was very high needs. At 21 months he still needed to be rocked to sleep (he wasn't nursing) and that could take 30-45 minutes so I couldn't put him down for naps during the day because I didn't ever have 30-45 minutes free. The baby is/was high needs too, I was sure I couldn't have TWO high needs babies but I did/do. She literally did not sleep more than 6 hours of very broken sleep in a 24 hour period for a couple of months. She did not nap. Ever. So I couldn't put him down for naps. Plus he was totally devasted by my being away from him (I had an emerg c-section) and just devastated in general by the loss of my full attention. He had a really hard time with it. It started to get better around a year but its still hard. They are close enough in age that it is still a lot of work to get them to and from the car, around stores, and all that. He is wanting to run away, she's wanting to be carried. You get the drift. That is why I am waiting until there will be a minimum of 3 years between my next two. That way these two will be 3 and 5 (or older) and they will have each other to play with. and surely I couldn't get another high needs baby, could I? I'll just keep telling myself that.

[pixiemama]

My two are 25 months apart and it's great! My older child is very easygoing, so that helped alot. I didn't find I had trouble going out with two and they get along pretty well and were a fabulous pair. I find some things a little challenging, like plane travel alone. And now with DD walking and talking and wanting to explore, there is a little bit of fighting. She is alot more needy than my son and his independence makes it easy to tend to her. If there is a next one, it won't be till DD is 4 or 5 b/c she doesn't seem likely to be happy about a new sibling anytime soon. I think it's very important to take the child's personality into account when deciding.

[zaftigmama]

It seems like the children's temperment is more of a factor than age. Which makes perfect sense.

Other factors too - I have a ton of very close family nearby, my second was the most easygoing child imaginable and a great sleeper, I was prepared for a colicky/high needs child so he seemed even easier, etc.,.

Good luck!

[USAmma]

I agree about temperament being a big factor in addition to age. My dds are 3 years and 2 mos. apart. In some ways it's been great. 3yo can wait for me to finish caring for baby before I take care of her needs. She loves her sister a lot and expresses that, and is protective over her toys when kids come to play. I can see a great bond in the making.

At the same time 3yo is very spirited and demanding, and 3.5 years old is a tough age under the best of circumstances. Her temper tantrums have come back with full force, she has regressed and come back again a few times with the use of the potty, and is very angry and aggressive at times. She has never shown any outward signs of jealousy but she is acting out in indirect ways.

I think as time goes on she's seeing that she gets to go on errands while baby stays home with dh, and that makes her special. She sees that I don't love her any less. But it's very HARD some days and I just have to keep remembering why I did this, why we thought that it would be a gift to our whole family to have another baby.

My baby has medical needs. She has bad reflux, had a 6 day stay in the hospital earlier this month, requires feedings by NG tube sometimes, and until we got her meds right, was very fussy all the time and the tension in our home was very high. I'm *so glad* we didn't space closer together for this reason. I can't even begin to imagine how I'd take care of a spirited toddler and a special needs baby at the same time. My dh works long hours, we have no local family support, and no money to hire extra help.

I don't do well on no sleep either, and I feel like I was finally getting settled after 3yo's birth and babyhood. She was sleeping in her own room, mostly through the night, able to take care of herself in small ways. And then boom, a baby is born and back to waking every 2-3 hours. I can't sleep when the baby sleeps. I think that's for first time moms only. I think if I'd had more local family support things would be a lot easier.

Darshani

[squeakermansmom]

thank you all for your response so far - i find all your different experiences so interesting.

lizziejean - you made me laugh sooo hard about the stomach flu episode. i even had to read it to my dh!

heavenly - my ds was a high needs baby as well so i can relate....i tell myself the same as well....' i couldn't possibly have two high needs children'. Hmmm?!?!

zaftigmama - that makes me feel better...i have heard that adding the second child didn't just double the workload, but tripled or quadrupled it! i can't even imagine!

i agree that the amount of help you have is paramount, whether it be from family, friends or dh. my mom will be moving up soon and while she will probably drive me a little nutty, i definitely welcome the help!

thank you all and please keep it coming!

jodi, mom to joseph 3-31-02

[isosmom]

Mine are 25 mo apart. I was just telling my sister the other day that being pregnant and having a toddler was harder than having two outside of the womb. I was just so tired when I was pregnant, and crabby, and you know... I would say the first 6 weeks was hard. Dh would come home and I hadn't done anything all day, which is pretty normal anyhow with a new baby. A few times I would just zone out, think how did I get myself into this. I gotta tell you, I felt like I was losing it. Sitting there nursing James while Isobel would just scream, and there's nothing you can do about it. But I gotta tell you, baby's almost 4 mo now, and I love it. Sure there are still times when I'm at my limit, but no different than it would be with just one. Isobel is totally into her little bro, she loves on him all the time. I just always have to keep my eye on her, lately she's been trying to feed him I also have an extremely easy baby, he's slept through the night for weeks now, he's not fussy, nothing (yet). I do think that if we had done it any earlier it would have been a lot harder, I wouldn't recommend much closer than two years. Good luck!

[Korwynne]

Originally Posted by lizziejean

So - 18 months apart is TOO CLOSE, got it? :-)

Mine are 16 1/2 months apart and I LOVE the age difference. DD was too young to get the whole jealously thing.. we had a little issue when he started crawling and then walking, but overall, they're the BEST friends in the world.. and most people I know who have kids around the same age difference have said the same (not all though). Yes, there are times when I question my sanity, but I think you get that reguardless of age difference. They're close enough in age that they share similar interests and toys... when we go somewhere they both ride in the stroller or one in the stroller/one in the sling.. when they get older and we go to disney, we won't have one wanting splash mountain and one wanting dumbo.. they'll be about the same. My 2 1/2 year old is working on learning to read (totally her doing) and I've found that my 17 month old recognizes a LOT of letters and knows a lot of letter sounds, because of big sissy. He's dying to potty train because he wants underwear like her (we're putting it off because we've got 3 weeks of vacation coming up). I weaned her when pregnant with him because my OB insisted I'd cause him harm if I didn't (yes, dumb I know and I still feel guilty about it) but I'd cuddle with her while nursing him, she was sleeping in her room part of the night and cosleeping the rest of it, we involved her as much as possible in my pregnancy and with him as a baby.. when he was born and my MIL picked him up, she told her to "give MY baby back to Mommy"

I love the age difference.. wouldn't trade it for the world... and now that DS is 17 months, we're TTC again (we wanted to wait for a springtime baby).. if I am pregnant now (we're in the 2 week wait), DD will have just turned 3 1/2 (by a few days) and Josh will be 25 months. Perfect Just think, we're getting all the diapers out of the way, we won't have to hold on to baby toys for years and years or rebuy everything... it's great

[loving-my-babies]

I love it. WE became more of a "family" to me, because I come from a big family so being just dh, me and our dd was kinda lonely...
now there's 4 of us, 2 guys & 2 girls, we love it, I actually don't know if to have anymore coz' 4 is kinda the perfect size... but then again I love babies!

[napless]

Mine are 26 months apart and life is great.

The first 5 months with 2 were very intense. Ds had lots of adjustments to make - his whole little world had changed! - and he found life in general pretty hard. He didn't seem to connect it with the baby, though!

I tandem nursed which I think helped his adjustment a lot.

Now that they are just turned 2 and 4, things couldn't be better! They get along fabulously (well, most of the time!) and I love it that they are close enough in age to be interested in lots of the same things.

[Fleurette]

We had decided to try for a second child when dd was 1 year. I'm in my 30s and dh is in his 40s so we didn't want to wait too long. Turns out we conceived twins and we were quite concerned with how things would be.

I can't lie. The first 4 months were crazy. They still are some days; especially now that both the boys are teething. The boys need almost all my attention, but dd has really, really responded well. She's so kind and gentle to the babies (she was 19 months old when they were born) and kisses them all the time. She wants to share her toys with them and even plays "tea party" with them! She had a couple of episodes when they were first born where she hit them, but she quickly got over that. I don't think she did it to hurt them, just kinda like a science experiment to her "I wonder what would happen if I slap John Michael?" She also had a few nights where she'd wake up crying. I'd just take her to bed with us and after a few times, she was fine. I think that was her way of coping with such a big change in her life. Also, whenever she needed my attention and I was busy with one of the boys, she'd come to me, put her head on my lap and let me just brush her face or hair. It was like she needed to check in with home base once in a while.

Our marriage has been interesting since the twins arrived. We really don't have lots of time together and when we do, we're pretty much pooped! We have to work hard for some alone time together, but it's getting better now that the boys are sleeping longer and longer stretches and seem to have gotten a routine down.

Good luck to you!