Kids and race issues...

[Saiahma]

My mom and I were talking about this yesterday and I'm conflicted (or maybe just confused???) Mt DS6 is biracial, I'm white his father is black. He has NO contact with his father, but has seen pictures and knows his dad's balck. My mom and I were chatting and she asked if I think Isaiah knows he's black??? Well, DS understands that we are 2 different colors....in his class there is a girl who's the same shade of brown that he is, but both of her parents are black. He identifies himself as cocoa or brown and this other girl is the same thing to him. There is another girl who is much darker and she is "black". My three best friends are all biracial, and their kids are all colors ranging from white to dark brown. I don't think DS think of people as different "races" just different shades KWIM? I make a big point of exposing him to all differnt cultures, through books, restaurants, museums, festivals etc....he understnds cultural differences to an extent. BUT is it important for him to "know" he's black? I mean, he's just as much white as black. My boyfriend is black, and Isaiah's been to church with his grandma, and big family gatherings, Sunday dinners, etc....Is culture your past, and experiences? Or is it your racial heritage???

[Missy]

Hi!

That's a tough question. Our three dc are biracial (dh's black) and our oldest (age 9) now identifies herself as black. Our 4-yr-old still identifies everyone in shades: I'm white, he's brown, dh is dark brown or black (used to be purple--dh is very dark). We've just kind of let it evolve in much the same way it sounds like you've been doing. We have books featuring every race and culture; dolls with all skin tones. My kids spend a lot of time with extended family on both sides and, actually, our extended families spend a lot of time together. Dd is finishing her final year in the public school system (next year we homeschool ) and we've had a few incidents with racism. She's seen us confront them head-on so I think that, while it's unfortunate that she's experienced such ignorance, it's given her an awareness and a confidence to deal with things when we're not around. Even if we, as parents, avoid labels, society doesn't. We live in the South and, sadly, I've learned that my children do have to be prepared, to a degree, to deal with stupid people and both subtle and blatant forms of racism. So, we've tried to give them a sense of pride and an awareness of their heritage on both sides.

I don't know if that helps you... :

[EFmom]

My kids are adopted and are of a different race than we are. While we have adoption in the mix, I think many of the issues are the same. I have read a ton on transracial adoption and racial identity formation. I absolutely think your child needs to know he is black. Yes, he is biracial, but society will see him as black. He will deal with that every single day of his life, so better to provide him with the cultural support to grow up versed in, and proud of all of his heritage.

[maatmama]

My ds is 3 and since we live in an area where most people do not look like us (AA) this has come up. Me and my friends who have young children have decided to work with the shades of brown as identifying and reaffirming self esteem for our children (yes we have to daily remind our children that brown is good because so much in our society says otherwise). Also, the concept of "race" as it exists in the US is (IMO) a created concept to assist in the social engineering that persists as "racism" very complex stuff for a 3yo. Even harder to explain why someone doesn't like us or is following us in the store based on us being brown (he says tan).

[eilonwy]

Is it important for your son to know he's black? IMHO, yeah, it is. It's important for him to know what that means, and how it will affect him later in life. At 6, it doesn't need to be a huge issue, and he's unlikely to accept the word "black" because it's not literally what his skin looks like.

What can you do about it right now? Answer his questions openly and honestly, and maintain a dialogue about race once he initiates it. There's also a biracial babies thread in FYT here.

[menudo]

Yes, he is biracial, but society will see him as black.

This has alwaysbothered me. my lil family is a perfect example of why race makes nosense and appearance doesn't equal blanket race. Now the comment gets me b/c society (schools, etc.) have labeled DD white. I am pale white and DH is dark brown Latino (black by assumption/Americanlook standard). Yes, kids have told her she is white (kids of all different backgrounds). TV told her DH is black. She knows she is Puerto Rican And Dominican (A mix of a bunch of ethnicities in itself) on Daddy's side andhe is Latino/hispanic./etc. so she is too. She is also what I am but his culture is much more "obvios" as much of his family does not speak Engliish and that's all she does. Anyway, she has commented on howshe and I are white and Daddy and lil brother are black. TV/MEDIA AND SCHOOL taught her this, not us. But we talk more and more, she is 7yo and knows it makes no sense but I see a "pressure" to label people on occasion, it is awful. She gets mad atthe crap.

I talk to her about this stuff. I mean, I mentioned hse once saiud a lil girls Mom could not be her Mom cause the girl was brown and the Mom wasn't!!! Apparently, she thought girls have tobe the same color as their Moms!! Then there are people who insist her Dad can't be her biological Dad-yes, people actually saythis. Seeing a light olive toned lil girl with light brown almost straight hair as the child of a dark brown man with tight curly jet black gair is too much for our racist society to handle....

[BunnysMomma]

I agree that it's important that your child know that others will view him as black. That's how it is in this country right now. Your son will probably someday choose his own racial affiliation, but he'll still be the subject of assumptions on the part of others. I recommend that you read _I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla--Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World_ by Marguerite A. White. While I don't agree with everything she writes, she does cover the topic comprehensively.

Wilma

[birthinglau]

I am the white mama to a biracial 14 mo. old daughter. Her dad is AA, medium brown, and I am very pale with brown hair. our daughter is light olive skinned, with brown corkscrew curls and brown eyes. she has her dad's features. IMO she isn't black, or white, but just herself. I know that as she developes an identity that might change, and that is fine with me, but I would like for her to choose what parts of herself to present to the world, because she is also native american, russian jew, german american, and so on..... most white people do not imagine that she is 1/2 AA, and some black people don't either. some have even assumed she was part hispanic, or even asian (that was before the curls).

she has limited contact with her dad, as we are divorcing and she lives with me, but has a great relationship with paternal and maternal grandparents. I can tell she knows about the variety of skin tones and features, but she doesn't seem to discriminate, other than that black grandmas with curly hair and bright clothes, and tall white grandmas with short hair and plump bodies seem to get the best smiles in public, I think because they bear resemblance to her own.

I wish I could give a clear opinion on your question, but I can't. both sets of grandparents live middle class suburban lives. both eat most of the same foods, have similiar philosophical and spiritual beliefs, as well as grandparenting beliefs. neither set makes a good stereotype for "white" (except white republican grandpa, but I think he's just reverting to his own dad patterns as he gets older) or "black", and so by extension neither do I or her dad. it would feel wrong to me to feed her fried chicken and macaroni and cheese and sweet potatoes just because that is black soul food, or give her cornrows for the same reason. but it would feel right to talk about slavery, and strength and courage, and the difference between those of her ancestors who chose to immigrate here, those who were forcibly brought here, and also those native ancestors who were pushed from the land they had loved for generations.

-lau

[gethane]

My three older kids are biracial. I made every effort while they were younger to always call them biracial, or tan. And when they called themselves black I "corrected" them and said they were both black and white. Hello, I was there when you were born . I even went to the line with the school. Then have this one form I have to fill out. And it doesn't list an OTHER option. Every single year I cross out EVERY OPTION in the box, darkly.. and write OTHER. However, now that they are older, I just have to accept that they SEE THEMSELVES as black, regardless of how I see them. And they seem happy seeing themselves that way.

So I think lots of talking, when the subject comes up, about black, white and tan. Explaining what biracial is. And then you have to let them decide for themselves who they are.

[Missy]

Originally Posted by birthinglau

both sets of grandparents live middle class suburban lives. both eat most of the same foods, have similiar philosophical and spiritual beliefs, as well as grandparenting beliefs. neither set makes a good stereotype for "white" (except white republican grandpa, but I think he's just reverting to his own dad patterns as he gets older) or "black", and so by extension neither do I or her dad. it would feel wrong to me to feed her fried chicken and macaroni and cheese and sweet potatoes just because that is black soul food, or give her cornrows for the same reason.

Y'know, my parents and my in-laws live middle class suburban lives and have very similar spiritual and political views. Admittedly, my in-laws, having grown up in the South--and in the country, at that--are partial to soul food. However, that's a superficial measure of differences (and could as easily describe regional differences as racial distinctions)--oh, it's part of it, to be sure, but there are nuances, rhythmic undertones, language, that really shape culture and identity and provide a depth beyond the surface (stereotypical) characteristics and it's on that level that I want my children to find an identity and a confidence.

I remember when my dd was 14 mos. old and OMG! she was so beautiful with these little curls and people used to think she was Puerto Rican or Italian and nobody said, "And you are...her...mother?...Oh." She's still beautiful, even more so (not that I'm biased), but her curls are thick and wild and her skin is a smooth, deep mocha now and no one hazards a guess about her race. We have long conversations about ancestry and she's very proud to have such a diverse heritage--but, if she has to choose a label, even after tirelessly explaining she's both black and white, she still chooses black.

[USAmma]

My dd's are biracial. I'm white and dh is from India. Both my girls look very much Indian, though their skin is lighter than my dh's skin. They will be raised as Americans, not Indians, but of course it's important for them to know their roots.

I think children need to know their roots no matter if the other parent is involved or not. Children need to know where they came from. Heck, even as a white American I want to know what my ancestry is, what part of Europe my people came from.

My 3yo has been aware of her color difference since at least age 2, when she pointed out characters in a book and identified them as me, her, and daddy depending on the skin and hair color. A couple weeks ago a little boy innocently asked dd if I was her mommy, and wanted to know why she was brown and I wasn't. I explained that she looks like her daddy.

So it's out there, and it's good to make it as normal a part of a biracial child's life as possible. If they grow up with everyone acting like it's no big deal, they will accept it and embrace it more, IMO.

Darshani

[Piglet68]

Originally Posted by USAmma

I think children need to know their roots no matter if the other parent is involved or not. Children need to know where they came from. Heck, even as a white American I want to know what my ancestry is, what part of Europe my people came from.

While I agree that children of colour need to be aware of how society deals with it (badly), I disagree with the above statement.

I'm adopted. While I am obviously white, who knows what my "roots" are or where my ancestors lived.

Honestly, I could care less. I think people take for granted that they know, and then decide it's "imperitive" that people know. Well, I'm here to tell you that it really doesn't make one wad of difference to who you are as a unique, individual person. This obsession with roots is weird to someone like me, and frankly makes little sense. People have been moving around and interbreeding for millenia. There really isn't any such thing as "roots", they are more like a lot of "transplanted cuttings".

JMHO.

[birthinglau]

I wanted to clarify what I said earlier regarding soul food, cornrows, et al. I did not mean to imply that superficial signifiers were the only signifiers one could have, certainly not. but I have to be completely honest (and I can clearly only speak from our situation) there is such little difference between our families as they exsist culturally at this time. my stbx grew up obessessed with the "typically" white teenager pastimes of bmx biking and punk rock, they went to a UU church, they lived in the suburbs of NY state. he and his parents and sister speak english with the same suburban inflections that I have (and sometimes wish I did not). so, I don't think she is getting a model of what black US culture most often is from either side. my daughter is more likely to grow up with american motercylce culture from the paternal grandparents who are avid riders and biker activists (they gave her a t-shirt that says "my grandma rides a motorcylce"!) and that is ok with me. but I am definitely happy for her to know other white and tan and brown and black children and families, because I want her to be proud of all that she is and can become.

-lau