Help me with phrasing pls!

[Rainbow]

DH and I both have an inclination to use judging statements. We fight it, but both often feel like we're at a loss for what TO say instead. We naturally want to say "Good job" "You're so smart" "you're so nice" etc... I'm sure you get the point. We don't feel like this is ideal- even if it is a positive judgement it is still a judgement. And of course the alternative to the current success is failure.
Help me think of some alternative things to say when she is proud that she stacked the blocks just so. Proud that she shared her favorite treat with her sister. When we're proud of her, or excited for her, or happy with her... what are some things we can say that honor her accomplishment without casting judgement?

Also, as a 2nd questions- we also have a problem with our soon to be three year old and strangers. She looks old enough to talk, but she has only recently started speaking at home. She is very reserved so far in her life- and very cautious of strangers. People talk to her expecting her to speak back. I don't know how to politely take the attention off of her. It truly seems to mortify her. And lately some have even gotten more aggressive and nudged her to get a reply from her. I of course helped her turn away and said "Its ok to tell him not to touch you" and he gave me a horrible look and walked away (grandfather type, nice enough- just didn't respect her space) My DD is most important to me, but if possible I'd like to think of a way to curve the attention off of her for her own peace of mind while still being kind to those who are showing an interest in her. When they are there talking to her it comes naturally to both DH and I to "repeat and wait"- "Can you tell her how old you are?" But we don't even though this is what is coming naturally to us. We usually just wait a minute to see if she will reply and then answer for her. Any suggestions on how to reply to such things without further putting our DD on the spot?

[Piglet68]

I think it's okay to say "good job". I think you are judging the action and not the child. I do stay away from things like "you're so smart". But I admit that the big word in our house is "clever!". I started saying it when she was quite young, and she would clap her hands. I think any child can be clever in certain situations, and I don't assign it the same judgment/weight as "smart" (which is so loaded in our academically-driven society). Anyways, I know it can be hard.

I don't have any good answers for the second question, just that I feel bad for your DD that she isn't allowed to just be herself. All that prodding and uncomfortableness must really mess with her self-esteem, strangers acting like there is something wrong with her b/c she won't reply. Perhaps you could reply for her with things like "I guess she doesn't feel up to conversation right now" or something along those lines. Validating and respecting her, if that makes sense!

[*Lisa*]

How about an enthusiastic:

You did it!

or

You must be so proud of yourself!

I think either of those statements acknowledges her pride and excitement (and show that you share those) without making an explicit global judgment. I also try to focus on specific behaviors rather than global attributions, saying things like, "I like how hard you worked coloring that card for Grandma. I bet she'll really appreciate your effort," instead of "You're so smart/talented/good/whatever." Although that's still a judgment, it seems different to me (since it's not the kind of thing you have to live up to in the same way, kwim?).

[LoveBeads]

1:

"You really worked hard on that"
"It looks like you used a lot of colors in that picture"
"Wow, how many blocks are in that stack"
"Are you proud of yourself for trying?"
etc. etc. These will start to come naturally after a while, it is a HARD habit to break!

2:

"Would you like to whisper your answer to me and I can tell the man how old you are?" If she answers no, I would do what Piglet suggested. Just say that she isn't up to answering right now. I often will say to my DD "sometimes I don't feel like talking either" so that she knows that I don't disapprove.

Good luck!

[eilonwy]

We make it a point to thank Eli when he does things that make our lives easier; "Thank you for cooperating! I really appreciate it when you are so helpful." or "Thank you for being gentle, you're really working hard at that." "I appreciate it when you use your words! It's very helpful, thank you."

I have to say that "good job" doesn't really come naturally to me; I did tell him "good nursing!" in the early days when he was having trouble latching, but that didn't last long.

As for the second one, I don't think that's a problem with your daughter but with other people. If I was you, I would look at dd and say "You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to, dear" pick her up and walk away. Other people don't like it? Tough noogies.

[hunnybumm]

I haven't been in your situation yet since my son is still so young (6 months) but maybe something like "That was very nice to share with soandso" or "Those blocks look neat!" or "That is a cool block tower". I don't feel those sound judemental, just saying you like the end result of her actions. Does that make sence?

Second question. I agree with the other mommas though I wouldn't say anything that would be conceived as rude, I would just say "She must not feel like talking right now" or if you tell her "It's ok to not want to talk honey."

HTH

[mamaduck]

For the first scenerio -- I sometimes remember to ask my child to tell me about his block tower, his picture, or whatever task he has just completed. He gets a lot of joy from describing his process to me in detail, and having me listen. (Even if I watched the whole thing.) He ends up with a stronger sense of pride, and I have time to think of a good response -- like, "You certainly put a lot of thought into that, didn't you?"

For the second issue -- I've always just said, "He is especially shy around new people." He has taken this up now and will tell people for himself, "Sorry but I'm too shy to talk." I haven't decided if this is a good thing or not -- but people are generally understanding.

[PikkuMyy]

My suggestion is similar to that of the other mamas. As a special education teacher, I am in the position of constantly providing positive verbal reinforcement. While I sometimes use generic terms like "you did it!" or "great work!" when it fits the situation, mostly I use more descriptive praise. "Wow! You finished the whole puzzle!" or "You are proud! You built a big tower!" Particularly working with kids with developmental delays and speech delays, providing a descriptive label *for* them is helpful, not only for language acquisition (this applies to neurotypical kids too) but also reinforces the action, rather than the child. By praising what they've done, you keep it off the judgement - I'd stay away from generic praise like "good" and pair it with the action 'you're good at building tall towers!" This allow kids to be proud of what they've done and also gives them environmental vocabulary for it.

[beanma]

oh, if you're looking for non-judging statements (and i agree that "good job" or saying something is "nice" are judgments) you might be interested in reading "nonviolent communication" by marshall rosenberg or some of alfie kohn's writing. let me see if i can dig up an URL for you on that...oh here you go -- http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm . it's an article called 'Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"'. i agree that "you did it!" is usually a good generic substitute for "good job". marshall rosenberg advocates in using nvc to observe ("i see you've stacked up 10 blocks") state your feeling (or guess your child's feeling) ("i'm so happy" or "are you proud/happy/excited"). i've read the book, but i really have to work at it and haven't internalized the concepts very well. check out the website, though, and maybe it'll resonate for you. http://www.cnvc.org/ .

on the second question, my 3 yr old is very verbal, but can be very reserved/shy at times. i sometimes say she's "shy", but i don't really like that word. she usually hides behind my legs and people get the message. if they persist and get real in her face, then i'm more apt to say something -- maybe, "sometimes she doesn't like people too close to her" or something like that. it's a hard line to balance validating dd1's feelings, but not offend the friendly person. maybe add an observation to your dd that "he/she is trying to be friendly".

hth

[napless]

Question #1 I find that describing what the child has done works really well. What my children want is for me to pay attention to them - not necessarily to judge it or applaud it. Describing what I see proves that i was paying attention. (I try not to judge - it's hard! - because I think that teaches them to look outward for approval. For the same reason, i try to say "You must be proud of yourself!" rather than "I'm proud of you!")

#2 This describes our situation perfectly. I usually say something like "He'll feel comfortable and talk to you when he gets to know you better."

[Rainbow]

Thank you all for the advice, I am very aware when I say such things- it is just so grained into my head. I also want to avoid labelling my DD as "shy" because she may not be shy as much as nervous or scared. I really don't know why it is that she doesn't like talking to new people until she tells me. I can assume it is the lack of comfort in the situation. So maybe "She doesn't feel comfortable talking to new people" or something liek napless suggested. I really don't want to be rude, but I do care more about honoring her feelings. I have learned my place in being to forward with other children though, that is for sure!

Beanma- gerat sites you posted I'm reading now. I definately agree- I just struggle to put it into action. It comes so natural!

[Bleu]

Thank you all for this great thread! I have also been wondering if I should praise, and if so how, and all that sort of thing -- and here you are discussing that very thing.

Bleuet is one and I say "good job" (etc.) all the time, but am uncomfortable with it. I do it to reinforce desirable behavior so I can give him positive directions instead of being all "No," "No," "No" all the time. For example, in the bathtub, I tell him "Sit on your butt, please," then, "GOOD sit-on-your-butt!" so I don't have to say "NO standing up, please." What would be an age-appropriate way to get him to stay seated in the tub? What we are doing now is working now, but I'm open to exploring the no-praise thing, as discussed in the links Beanma posted. Thanks!

[Aura_Kitten]

i wouldn't say "good job" is a judgemental statement -- i mean, in a bad way. kids need to hear that what they did was good.

and therein -- i think -- lies what you feel is the problem.

instead of saying, "good girl," say "good job." (i know you're already doing that, but i felt it needed to be clarified. take the judgement of "good" off of the person and place it on the action. that way the child learns that they can be worth a lot as a person, and be a great child, and be loved, regardless of how bad their behaviour is.)

try these...

"you did a great job ____(stacking the blocks, putting your toys away, getting yourself dressed, etc)______."

"i can see you put a lot of effort into _________. i'm proud that you took the time to do that."

"you're working so hard! good work!"

"great behaviour!"

remember to separate the action from the person. this works in everything. when i'm talking now i always try to remember to use "i" statements... for example, when i walk into my son's room and i see no floor, instead of saying, "What an awful mess! you made such a horrible mess in here!" i say, "gosh, it looks like you had a ton of fun playing in here! but now i'd like you to clean up, because it makes me nervous when your room is so messy -- you could trip and fall and hurt yourself." (it also works when i'm arguing w/ my SO -- "it really makes me feel stressed out when you don't do the dishes like i asked. i would appreciate it if you would please help me and work on the kitchen with me tonight." )

[Bleu]

Oh, you are right -- "I" statements rule, and I just absolutely flunk them in speaking with Mr. Bleu. I know they're the way to go, but I never remember to do it. Maybe because it feels so contrived, kinda fake and manipulative? Maybe I will get on the path with Bleuet and the side effect will be better communications with my partner. That would be a nice plus.

[Rainbow]

I already say "great job stacking the blocks" and I don't think it is harmful exactly, but I would prefer to get in the habit of replacing it with "You stacked the blocks to the top!" <sounding excited> It just feels much better to me. I feel with to many good jobs I'm... I don't know... making her preform to my standards or something? It doesn't feel right. I rarely say "you're smart" but I do say "That was smart thinking" and such.

I just can't shake it- and it is frustrating. I never realized how much I said it until my 3 year old started saying "Me Good Job!" oops!

[eilonwy]

It is frustrating, and it takes some getting used to. Lucky for me, it comes perfectly naturally to Mike (which is strange, because he wasn't raised this way) so I get to hear it. I make a conscious effort to say things like "thank you for helping me" instead of "good job putting the trash away" and that helps too. I still slip occasionally, but it does get easier as time goes along. You'll think of more things to say. It might help to sit down and write out what you would like to hear, and then to adapt that to your child. For example, I like to hear a thank you when I do something helpful, so that's what I say to Eli. I like to hear that I'm appreciated, or that my help is appreciated, so I say that to Eli. "I really appreciate it when you behave nicely, it makes it so easy for me to take you out."