How to talk to dd about asking someone "Why is your belly big?" to someone.......

[Gemini]

......that's overweight.

My dd asked this of someone last week at a playdate at a neighbors. We gave hugs at the end and this mama is very overweight and she asked her that question. The moms response was "Because I eat too much." She said it with such guilt. I felt awful, but I didn't say anything but "Oh, Liza.", and my neighbor, who is the overweight gals mom, just said "Oh, kids are so honest aren't they?" to break the horrid sinking feeling I had.

I didn't want to disipline her for it at all so I let it go, but she brought it up a day later talking about her friends mom that has a big belly. I just tried saying people have many different body shapes and that if she has a question like that again, to ask me when we are alone. I told her that her new little friend loves her mom very much even with the big belly.

What are more things I could say to her about this? I really had a hard time figuring out how to handle this. But I think I did alright, but would like more advice about this.

Thanks.

[drkevin]

Explain that saying such things are hurtful. Give some examples by reminding her gently of things others have said that were hurtful to her. She will understand.

[Aura_Kitten]

ohhhh

i would have pulled her aside immediately after that and discussed how hurtful those things are to people, and that observations about a person's appearance should not be voiced (not just "big belly" comments, but anything ~ it can be really rude and hurtful).

it's good that people understand that kids are honest (and can't always help what comes out of their mouths)...

but it's still a sucky thing to say.

i would also probably try to find something beautiful and wonderful about the person after such an observation, as well ~ like, "even though __________ has a large belly, isn't she still very pretty? and she does ______ so well. even though everyone is shaped differently, we all have things that make us beautiful, and define who we are." or some variation of that, depending on the age of the child.

it may also be that your daughter has already noticed all of the media images aimed at women, defining "beautiful" as "skinny and white," and her comments / questions may be her way of trying to assimilate this (the media's) definition into her worldview, and into her perception of herself.

what a hard topic.

i could say at least a dozen more things about this. i don't even know if what i'm saying will help you at all. this is such a loaded issue.

[mammastar]

I'm sorry your daughter's comment was embarrassing and hurtful to the other mom. I also wouldn't want your daughter to get the idea that a 'big belly' is shameful or negative - or, really, that anything about anyone's appearance can be shameful or negative.

Although it's the right general idea, I think I would steer clear of comments about how someone is beautiful 'even though' they have a big belly - the 'even though' still makes it seem negative, if you see what I mean. By all means, explain that it's not polite to comment on other folks' appearances (because it's personal, because it may hurt their feelings, because they may get tired of answering questions). But if you're going to comment on the positive as well, just leave it at beauty (not beauty 'even though' or 'despite' the weight). And you can say that people come in all shapes and sizes and how wonderful that is.

[Foobar]

I would just say, " because bodies come in all different shapes and some are small, some are big, some people are short and some are tall. We are all different shapes".

I would talk later about how some people are upset at how they look and that it's not always polite to say something, but it's ok to be honest and ask questions. Can she try to hold questions on how people look until later?

Then this brings in the whole topic of self-esteme and body image.

[Gemini]

Thanks for your replies. I'll have another talk with her with suggestions made here.

[Persephone]

I wouldn't neccesarily go with the "but isn't she pretty?" line of thought. It might have the opposite effect of the intention. By making her aware that our culture judges your beauty by the size of your stomach. Maybe she was just wondering. It doesn't sound like she was making a judgement of her beauty. I bet that you and your family don't have big bellies, so it was a different shape than she was used to. Children are always fascinated with things that are different. But I agree, she should be taught that commenting on another's appearance can be hurtful. When my brother (7 yrs younger) was little, (I was 12 he was 5) he said, "Sissy, your pimples don't look that bad to me." Ha. I took it in the intention he gave it, and left it at that. Now he's 15, and has his own adolecent pimples to deal with. I just let him know I've BTDT. But I digress. I wouldn't make a big deal out of what she said.

[Aura_Kitten]

I bet that you and your family don't have big bellies, so it was a different shape than she was used to. Children are always fascinated with things that are different.

hmm... that's an interesting way of looking at it.

my perspective was coming from the fact that even though in our home, my SO frequently shaves his head (and i, also, shave my head fairly often), my son has still been known to exclaim about someone, "WOW they don't have any hair! why don't they have any hair?"

that anything about anyone's appearance can be shameful or negative.

i think that's a great point ~ *but* just because something shouldn't be considered shamful or negative, a comment about someone's appearance can still be rude and hurtful.