sick sick world - need advice on dealing with it - Page 3

[Bestbirths]

for example, if someone said they would blow up my car if I didn't have sex with them, I could let go of the car. But a child facing a similar threat to a favorite toy might go along with the stranger. We forget how important kids' toys are to them.

That, and the offering of candy. We stopped feeding our kids sugar months ago. Today, I was talking to my girls 3, 6, and 11 and telling them about how they can say "no" to someone touching them or asking them to do something they didn't want to do with their bodies. Then, as I swiched gears, and said, but what if someone offered you candy if you would let them touch your body, my 3 year old said innocently with a big excited smile "I would!!!" I was a bit shocked but I said that if she really wanted candy, she could ask us for it, she doesn't have to let someone touch her body in a hurtful way to get candy. I then totally caved and we had pop today with our lunch. I think I will definately take her to the store and buy her some candy today or this weekend. The point is that the way a child thinks is different from the way an adult thinks.

[Greaseball]

That's one of the reasons I don't want to deny candy and toys to my child. I don't want them to think they have to get it from some weird guy. When I was a child I wasn't allowed to have cheese and I would have gone with anyone if they had promised me some.

Of course, I can't afford to buy them everything they want, but you do what you can.

[Bestbirths]

LOL, Greaseball! The thought you going off with a stranger with the offer of cheese is too funny. What would they offer a vegetarian's kid, a big juicy steak? Seriously, if my kid wants something that bad, I want to get it for them rather than having them long for it. A little sugar, toys, or cheese is probably o.k. in moderation.

MMM...I'm eating this huge piece of cheesecake right now it is the plain kind with the cherry sause on the top.....Greaseball, do you want some? I'll share!

edited for spelling

[Greaseball]

MMM...I'm eating this huge piece of cheesecake right now it is the plain kind with the cherry sause on the top.....Greaseball, do you want some? I'll share!

Uh, are you coming on to me?

[Bestbirths]

No, not at all!! Just wanted you to know that If I had some cheese, I'd share it. I am on a no dairy diet too, so I know how it is to look longingly at cheese. Sound's ridiculous though, huh?

[leavesarebrown]

Arduinna, I am SO PROUD when I read or hear about a woman or teen defending herself! Good for you. How do you feel about that experience in retrospect? I just started reading Beauty Bites Beast last night. Great read. About women before and after taking full body impact self defense classes (including the author). I'm going to do this for myself even though I'm scared to death to do it!!! I got another one called Her Wits About Her that's all positive stories of women and children defending themselves against attackers with or without "self defense" training but I still haven't read that one either. We've been so brainwashed (and brainwash our kids) to "not fight" when threatened. Totally opposite of animals! Stupid humans!

But I'm not sure being a pacifist in general how to teach my kid self-defense fighting only. When some other kid grabs a toy which has been pointed out is like an extention of our kids, it seems like a situation requiring self-defense--right? Tricky thing. Gavin de Becker (Protecting the Gift and The Gift of Fear) asserts that because of this conundrum, as well as the problem of kids' innability to refuse bribes or always discern tricky people (which incidents they then won't tell parents about 'cause they've been told that accepting candy etc from people without your permission is wrong) WE as adults are the ones required to scan environments for potential threats (even among family and acquaintances) and protect our kids until they are old enough to do start being more discerning themselves (he puts that at around age 10 or older, depending on the kid). The Yellodyno series I mentioned before specifically teaches about "tricky people" who "look like you and me" but their BEHAVIOR is what gives them away. De Becker focuses on behavioral cues as well that we can learn AND teach to our kids (little at a time, and by our own behaviors and casual comments without freaking them out). He also talks about teaching our kids to TALK TO STRANGERS. This does a few things. It teaches them self-confidence. It gives them clues about a person's character. And it makes them able to ask for help from an adult if they ARE lost or threatened either by someone they know or someone they don't.

Not saying I'm an expert on this, I've just thought and read about it a lot since I worry about personal safety myself. Especially for my shy son. My daughter I'm less worried about, for the whole "profile" factor everyone keeps talking about.

[Bestbirths]

for you Arduinna for fighting back!

I am going to see if some of the books and resources mentioned are available to check out at the library.

[sadie_sabot]

I hate this freakin' world sometimes. This is NOT what I want to be thinking about!!!

I do work to respect dd's body. I work to allow her to tell me no about most anything, and when she resists diaper changes I talk to her about it, and try to acknowledge that her rage at me changing her diaper when she said NO is a righteous rage.

And as soon as she's old enough, I'm enrolling her in martial arts. in my opinion, her being able to kick the ass of an adult male will protect her without her ever having to do it; i want her to have confidence in her own strength.

Originally Posted by MamaChel

One thing that I would have appreciated as a child was somebody telling me that it is MY body and that NOBODY can touch it without my permission. And if anybody touched me without my permission, it was ok to tell. I knew all about the mechanics of sex by 7, my mom wanted to make sure that we were not molested. She neglected to tell us that our bodies should be respected by everyone- no one could touch us without our permission. She just assumed that knowing what sex was would be enough. I never knew that there was good touching and hurtful touching.

Sometimes it may not be necessary to discuss the mechanics until your child is ready if you teach them that nobody can touch their body without their permission.

I was molested at 4 and again from 7-13, and date raped in my teens. Nobody bothered to tell me until I was an adult that I could say no and nobody had the right to touch me. As a result all my self worth for years was tied up in having sex- I learned that lesson real young- if you lie there and shut up, you survive. It was awful.

Oh man, momma, I hear you loud and clear.

I also think that while i will do everything I can to protect dd, i also want her to know that if something does end up happening it is not her fault. i internalized a lot of self-loathing around my experiences. That kind of crap just leads to a low self esteem, leading to being more vulnerable to a**holes.

Greaseball, i am really appreciating your input here.

[Arduinna]

You guys have brought up some great questions regarding teaching kids what is ok to fight for what we should let go. (thanks for the support regarding my fighting back, it was more natural instinct than anything else I think). I don't know what the right answer is as far as guidelines. I know that my dd was pretty shy and kind of a people pleaser. I've worked really hard with her to help her use her voice. Partly by giving her as much freedom as was safe (age dependant) to make decisions for herself but also by knowing when to step in. I had talks with her about "what does she want to do" and freely played the "bad mom" for her when she just couldn't say no to her friends herself. Now, I'm pleased to say she is much more assertive. I overheard her the other day talking to a neighbor girl who was begging her to "please please please" do something and she boldly told her no and when the girl didn't stop begging she said
"I'm closing the door now". Good for her! I'm glad that she isn't easily manupulated by that kind of thing. It will serve her well in life.