She sure knows how to push my buttons, and I can't stand how I react to her. urg, it is making me sick all the way around.
She has been hitting her sister (which my dh, who had an older brother, tells me is normal on occasion) when she gets really mad. Now granted, her sister (age 6) is 1) not always the best listener, 2) does not mind her own business very well ("L, have you brushed your teeth yet? mama said to brush your teeth? Did you do it yet? Did you? did you? I did already, without even being asked"...that sort of thing) and 3) has a loud speaking voice that gets on L's nerves sometimes (no she doesn't have hearing problems, already checked that out, she just has a loud, clear voice made for the stage).
BUT, L knows better than to hit. And this is relatively new; it has slowly been developing over the last six months or so.
Never has she struck anyone else besides her sister until yesterday. We were at a mom and kid evening get together. The moms bring their kids, the moms drink mixed drinks and the kids run around and be kids. There are usually about 15-20 kids there (8 moms). L was playing with a little girl, about 2. The little girl's brother, who is also 9 and with whom L has always gotten along very well came up and said something about his little sister being stupid. L punched him in the chest. no word of warning, no words exchanged, just hauled off and hit him. And then he punched her back, and they both started bawling and came for parental intervention. Now, the boy was crying I think more because he was upset that L hit him, and that he actually hit her back---I have *never* seen him strike *anyone* before, and his mom was shocked that he had hit her--he just isn't that type of kid, it isn't something he ever does. My dd was crying because she was embarrassed (so she tells me) that she hit him. She apologized, and he stuck out his tounge. We separated them, adn that was the end of it, though they didn't play together anymore the rest of the night, which made me sad, because they usually play so well together, and they really look forward to these once a month get togethers because this is really the only time they ever get to see each other.
When we were on our way home, she asked me not to tell dh what she had done. I asked why, and she said "I just want to forget it ever happened."
Now, I broode about these sort of things, and then a couple of things happened today which make me think we have let this go for too long. Twice she physically injure her sister. Once they were arguing over whose turn it was to jump rope, and she started to chase her sister, telling her she was going to hurt her. The other time, I had been to the store, and a friend of mine had called for advice for her sick daughter. When I drove into the driveway, both girls came barrelling out of the house yelling that S was really sick and I needed to call. Both girls wanted to be the first to tell me, and so, when it looked as though her sister was going to get to tell me first, L pinched her. And there was also an incident at the playground where her sister told me that L *bit* her on the head. L said that her sister had been butting into line, and L tried to steer her to the back (yeah right) and then they got into a tugging match, and L tripped and fell forward and hit her on the top of her head with her mouth. I tended to believe this, because her mouth did appear to be a little red, but I wasn't sure. Ididn't see it. And I feel like I am inclined to believe that L is lying about it, because I catch her so many times trying to physically harm her sister; so then I feel like I need to give her the benefit of the doubt sometimes...does that make sense?
Now, I must say, I react very badly usually to this sort of thing, and typically I get mad and send her to time out. I have been trying to work on my reaction, and dh and I have been trying to think of something besides time out or grounding as a punishment. Our new thing is physical labor. So each time we made her work for 30 minutes in the yard; picking up trash (it was trash day yesterday, but we had a storm, so we had a bunch of trash that had blown into our hedge) and once picking weeds in the garden. We feel like physical labor will help her get out some energy, and though she gets mad everytime we make her do it, typically she enjoys working in the yard, and by the time her 30 minutes of labor is up, she often keeps doing what she was supposed to be doing for punishment; she weeded and tended her garden for almost 1 1/2 hours (the girls have their own garden within our family garden).
My instinctual reaction is to yell and tell her how mad it makes me when she hits her sister. That it is simply unacceptable and I *will not* allow it. Sometimes I give in to this. Sometimes I actually keep my cool and very calmly tell her that no matter how frustrated she is, she absolutely cannot resort to physical violence. I try to go over with her what she could have done instead (something she could have said, or walk away, or get an assist from a parent, etc). I would like to add that we do not spank usually (I think each kid has been spanked about three times in their lives, with L twice it was for running into the street---we live on a blind corner and people speed through...). Dh and I certainly don't hit each other; actually, we rarely argue at all. We just get along really well, and don't disagree much. We debate alot, but it is never adversarially or anything. L's little sister doesnt hit. We have no friends who spank. I don't know where she is getting this. We don't watch tv usually; maybe one hour a week of pbs total.
I am really frustrated and at the end of my rope with her. I think it is a red flag that she actually struck someone else as opposed to just her sister. And that she was so upset by it. Dh thinks that it isn't a big deal; he doesn't want her to hit, and also feels it is unacceptable; but he doesn't see the big deal in hitting someone else as opposed to hitting just her sister. (poor J, like it is okay to hit her, but just not anyone else!). Of course, my brother was 10 years younger than me, so he and I never fought or anything; I was simply so much older than him. Dh assures me that this is normal sibling behavior, and that we need to be on it, but not up at midnight worrying about it. I am not so sure.
So...suggestions? Ideas? Commiseration? Reading suggestions? I know part of this problem is mine; I need to react better. But I see no difference in the times I react "well" vs the times I just get angry and yell at her or punish her without talking it out. The behavior continues no matter what. DD is articulate, intelligent, generally very thoughful; the sudden physical violence is perlexing and frustrating, and very very disappointing. I simply expect better from her, and i odn't know how to help her attain this. Whatever we are doing sure isn't working. I would really like to help her learn a better, more satisfying way to resolve her conflicts; and I need to have some suggestions for the short term (dealing with it in the immediate) and the long term ( helping her develop skills to avoid her emotions escalating to the point of physical violence).
I might add, with the exception of when she hit the boy last night, she rarely shows remorse for hitting. She tells us her sister deserved it, because she wasn't listening, etc. She is totally indignant when she gets punished. Urgh. I always imagined raising these loving, gentle children; and most of the time they are. But when L goes over to the dark side, she totally goes over. It is so frustrating.
Any help here?
Thanks for listening, anyhow....that was pretty long!
Lori
She has been hitting her sister (which my dh, who had an older brother, tells me is normal on occasion) when she gets really mad. Now granted, her sister (age 6) is 1) not always the best listener, 2) does not mind her own business very well ("L, have you brushed your teeth yet? mama said to brush your teeth? Did you do it yet? Did you? did you? I did already, without even being asked"...that sort of thing) and 3) has a loud speaking voice that gets on L's nerves sometimes (no she doesn't have hearing problems, already checked that out, she just has a loud, clear voice made for the stage).
BUT, L knows better than to hit. And this is relatively new; it has slowly been developing over the last six months or so.
Never has she struck anyone else besides her sister until yesterday. We were at a mom and kid evening get together. The moms bring their kids, the moms drink mixed drinks and the kids run around and be kids. There are usually about 15-20 kids there (8 moms). L was playing with a little girl, about 2. The little girl's brother, who is also 9 and with whom L has always gotten along very well came up and said something about his little sister being stupid. L punched him in the chest. no word of warning, no words exchanged, just hauled off and hit him. And then he punched her back, and they both started bawling and came for parental intervention. Now, the boy was crying I think more because he was upset that L hit him, and that he actually hit her back---I have *never* seen him strike *anyone* before, and his mom was shocked that he had hit her--he just isn't that type of kid, it isn't something he ever does. My dd was crying because she was embarrassed (so she tells me) that she hit him. She apologized, and he stuck out his tounge. We separated them, adn that was the end of it, though they didn't play together anymore the rest of the night, which made me sad, because they usually play so well together, and they really look forward to these once a month get togethers because this is really the only time they ever get to see each other.
When we were on our way home, she asked me not to tell dh what she had done. I asked why, and she said "I just want to forget it ever happened."
Now, I broode about these sort of things, and then a couple of things happened today which make me think we have let this go for too long. Twice she physically injure her sister. Once they were arguing over whose turn it was to jump rope, and she started to chase her sister, telling her she was going to hurt her. The other time, I had been to the store, and a friend of mine had called for advice for her sick daughter. When I drove into the driveway, both girls came barrelling out of the house yelling that S was really sick and I needed to call. Both girls wanted to be the first to tell me, and so, when it looked as though her sister was going to get to tell me first, L pinched her. And there was also an incident at the playground where her sister told me that L *bit* her on the head. L said that her sister had been butting into line, and L tried to steer her to the back (yeah right) and then they got into a tugging match, and L tripped and fell forward and hit her on the top of her head with her mouth. I tended to believe this, because her mouth did appear to be a little red, but I wasn't sure. Ididn't see it. And I feel like I am inclined to believe that L is lying about it, because I catch her so many times trying to physically harm her sister; so then I feel like I need to give her the benefit of the doubt sometimes...does that make sense?
Now, I must say, I react very badly usually to this sort of thing, and typically I get mad and send her to time out. I have been trying to work on my reaction, and dh and I have been trying to think of something besides time out or grounding as a punishment. Our new thing is physical labor. So each time we made her work for 30 minutes in the yard; picking up trash (it was trash day yesterday, but we had a storm, so we had a bunch of trash that had blown into our hedge) and once picking weeds in the garden. We feel like physical labor will help her get out some energy, and though she gets mad everytime we make her do it, typically she enjoys working in the yard, and by the time her 30 minutes of labor is up, she often keeps doing what she was supposed to be doing for punishment; she weeded and tended her garden for almost 1 1/2 hours (the girls have their own garden within our family garden).
My instinctual reaction is to yell and tell her how mad it makes me when she hits her sister. That it is simply unacceptable and I *will not* allow it. Sometimes I give in to this. Sometimes I actually keep my cool and very calmly tell her that no matter how frustrated she is, she absolutely cannot resort to physical violence. I try to go over with her what she could have done instead (something she could have said, or walk away, or get an assist from a parent, etc). I would like to add that we do not spank usually (I think each kid has been spanked about three times in their lives, with L twice it was for running into the street---we live on a blind corner and people speed through...). Dh and I certainly don't hit each other; actually, we rarely argue at all. We just get along really well, and don't disagree much. We debate alot, but it is never adversarially or anything. L's little sister doesnt hit. We have no friends who spank. I don't know where she is getting this. We don't watch tv usually; maybe one hour a week of pbs total.
I am really frustrated and at the end of my rope with her. I think it is a red flag that she actually struck someone else as opposed to just her sister. And that she was so upset by it. Dh thinks that it isn't a big deal; he doesn't want her to hit, and also feels it is unacceptable; but he doesn't see the big deal in hitting someone else as opposed to hitting just her sister. (poor J, like it is okay to hit her, but just not anyone else!). Of course, my brother was 10 years younger than me, so he and I never fought or anything; I was simply so much older than him. Dh assures me that this is normal sibling behavior, and that we need to be on it, but not up at midnight worrying about it. I am not so sure.
So...suggestions? Ideas? Commiseration? Reading suggestions? I know part of this problem is mine; I need to react better. But I see no difference in the times I react "well" vs the times I just get angry and yell at her or punish her without talking it out. The behavior continues no matter what. DD is articulate, intelligent, generally very thoughful; the sudden physical violence is perlexing and frustrating, and very very disappointing. I simply expect better from her, and i odn't know how to help her attain this. Whatever we are doing sure isn't working. I would really like to help her learn a better, more satisfying way to resolve her conflicts; and I need to have some suggestions for the short term (dealing with it in the immediate) and the long term ( helping her develop skills to avoid her emotions escalating to the point of physical violence).
I might add, with the exception of when she hit the boy last night, she rarely shows remorse for hitting. She tells us her sister deserved it, because she wasn't listening, etc. She is totally indignant when she gets punished. Urgh. I always imagined raising these loving, gentle children; and most of the time they are. But when L goes over to the dark side, she totally goes over. It is so frustrating.
Any help here?
Thanks for listening, anyhow....that was pretty long!
Lori
