Not coping with 3

[arcenciel]

My youngest is 7 months now. At the beginning I felt like I was coping fine - apart from the usual new-baby stress, tiredness, etc. but that passed and I went through a few months of feeling pretty good about life. But recently I just don't feel like I'm coping.

What I'm wondering is, is this just a phase that happens and which will probably pass, or do I need to do something about it?

I have more or less accepted the fact that my house is a dump most of the time (it gets to me sometimes, I can tell from the way I lost my temper), I have stopped trying to do many extra things, stopped making outside commitments. I am at home full-time so I don't have to work and ds (5 years) is at school 4 mornings and ds (4 years) is at school 2 mornings. I have to do some of the driving to get them there and back, but not all. My husband works reasonable hours, is usually home around 6 and doesn't go out much, is fairly helpful, at least with the kids if not the house... And yet some days I don't even feel I have the energy to make dinner, or even decide what to have.

I manage to keep us in clean clothes (and diapers!) but that is about all. I'm taking iron supplements and dd is not eating much apart from my milk so I guess that's an extra-tiring factor.

I'm hoping it's going to pass, but I've been feeling this way for a few weeks now and I'm starting to wonder.....

[BelovedBird]

Originally Posted by arcenciel

My youngest is 7 months now. At the beginning I felt like I was coping fine - apart from the usual new-baby stress, tiredness, etc. but that passed and I went through a few months of feeling pretty good about life. But recently I just don't feel like I'm coping.

What I'm wondering is, is this just a phase that happens and which will probably pass, or do I need to do something about it?

I have more or less accepted the fact that my house is a dump most of the time (it gets to me sometimes, I can tell from the way I lost my temper), I have stopped trying to do many extra things, stopped making outside commitments. I am at home full-time so I don't have to work and ds (5 years) is at school 4 mornings and ds (4 years) is at school 2 mornings. I have to do some of the driving to get them there and back, but not all. My husband works reasonable hours, is usually home around 6 and doesn't go out much, is fairly helpful, at least with the kids if not the house... And yet some days I don't even feel I have the energy to make dinner, or even decide what to have.

I manage to keep us in clean clothes (and diapers!) but that is about all. I'm taking iron supplements and dd is not eating much apart from my milk so I guess that's an extra-tiring factor.

I'm hoping it's going to pass, but I've been feeling this way for a few weeks now and I'm starting to wonder.....

I'm sorry to give you the bad news, but it never went away for me and many families that I know. The third is definately the hardest adjustment. I was a really good mother to my first two. When the third came along I became a yeller, and after the third was the first time I spanked anyone. (Do not support apanking, search my past threads for my feelings and struggle on that) My "baby" is 2 1/2 now. Things never really got better. 3 is just much harder than 1 or 2, and according to bigger families than 5 or 6.

Please be on top of your emotions now, stay aware of how you are feeling (overrwhelmed, etc.) don't assume it going to "go away" or get better. Things will never go back to the way they were with 2 kids. The state of the family with three kids is that it is ever evolving, things are not static, in this way it is a "stage", but it does not get better or easier.
3 kids means *twice* the amount of conflics, not just one more conflict. before it was child A and child B, always, that was what it was. Now it A with B Bwith C, A with C and all three together, and ganging up.
I am just telling you "like it is". Something noone did for me. Something that if I had known, if I had understood, I might have been better prepared and right now I might feel like more than just an "ok" mother.

Good luck!

And there is plenty of support and shoulders here, don't be afraid to use them!!!!!!!!

[Carrielee]

Everyone warned me!
My midwives, friends, etc...
"Once you have 3, you might as well have 6 because you have hit critical mass!"
Lol!
I have my moments too...pray a lot, nurture yourself whenever you can, journal, eat well, etc...
don't have any magic bullets.
Hugs!!

Carrie

[BAU3]

my 3rd is just about 6 mos. now , and I have found it quite the opposite.. it sort of has put me in high gear. My house, which is by no means close to clean, is much neater than it was. I find I'm getting more organized (which is a far cry from actually BEING organized).. And I'm just enjoying the heck out of all of this. my 6 yo is in school 5 days.. my 3 yo and I go to presschool 2 days a week (with baby..) Thewn story hour on Fridays..

It seems that if I try to concentrate on my house etc. too much it gets me down, so I just do what I can when I can..Although the laundry needs to be turned like a compost pile so I can wash whats on the bottom.. otherwise we'd never see it.

Whats the hardest for me is mentally grasping 3... for some reason my mind doesn't wrap so easily around three than it did two. Does that make sense?



Maybe you should go back to those outside commitments and extra stuff..I have found that the more I do, although its hard logistically, the betterI feel.
I tend to loose all perspective when I slow down. Theres nothing to do but realize the endlessness of keeping up yyour home and family. That can cause me to feel pretty hopeless and on edge.

Go out with friends, go to events, volunteer for things that you can bring baby with you.( I find when I sling Georgie I can do just about anything!) Its really hard sometimes but it gets you into high gear again...

Hope you feel better!!

[Carrielee]

<<Maybe you should go back to those outside commitments and extra stuff..I have found that the more I do, although its hard logistically, the betterI feel.
I tend to loose all perspective when I slow down. Theres nothing to do but realize the endlessness of keeping up yyour home and family. That can cause me to feel pretty hopeless and on edge. >>

I RRRReally agree with this statement.
Sometimes being home too much, or focusing on our families and responsibilities in the home too much, can lead to fatigue, depression, etc...
Forcing yourself to get out even if it's just meeting a friend at Starbucks, kids in tow, for some Earl Grey can do wonders!

Carrie

[Wilhemina]

I can't speak to the overwhelm from parenting three, I only have two. But, I have wondered if some of the "phases" I have gone through are related to a hormone imbalance. Extended breastfeeding and aging (I am 35) does significantly change things. I'm planning on having my hormone levels tested and reviewing the results with my midwife. My mom(age 65) and sis (age 33) both have done this in the last 2 years with surprising results. Both ended up using a natural progesterone cream to rebalance their chemistry and both claim to feel much better about life.

[Mothra]

Mine are 6, 2, and 4mo. The second was the hardest adjustment for me, but having three is no picnic, either. I try to get outside, where I can't see the mess, as much as possible. Also, I've hired a cleaning crew to come and clean my house a few times. Just having a clean slate to start from really helped when it got to be too much. I also try to get out of the house for a few hours a week, just to have the opportunity to miss my kids.

Don't underestimate the toll that breastfeeding takes on your body. It is hard to keep my energy level up, especially when she hits those growth spurts that require non-stop nursing marathons.

I just keep telling myself that this will end at some point. One day they will all be in school, and I'll be able to go back to bed when they are gone and actually have time to do the things that need to get done. Really, it isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. That helps sometimes, but not always.

I just accept that it is hard and I'm not a horrible mother if the house isn't clean. How I interact with my children marks the kind of mother I am. I ignore housework in favor of my children every time. Sometimes when I'm having an exceptionally hard day, just getting on the floor and being silly with them helps. Seeing them happy makes me happy, the dirty dishes just fade into the background.

[arcenciel]

thanks for the replies so far. I feel much better even thinking it's not a phase and that it's something I have to handle. I'm not sure what to do exactly, but I may start with a cleaner! As well as working out how to get the time to do some of the things I want - my signature says WAHM but I haven't done any for ages.....

Any I'll try taking the advice and getting out a bit more. I kind of know what you mean and that maybe I have less energy because I stay home, instead of more.

[kaimama]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, my three are 9, 5 and 19 months.
When my ds (the baby) was 6-9 months old it was the hardest time for me emotionally. I felt like I could get nothing done and that I was neglecting everything else in my life, my other children, the house, my husband...ugh, I was just full of guilt all the time.

I had to do what some others mentioned, forget about the mess and get out
of the house. Even if it's just a short walk, or a quick outing to get coffee, it helps. Now that ds is older, he plays with his big sisters and I can have a little time to get things done. It's still hard to juggle the responsibilities of having 3 children, but I feel like I'm a little more on top of things than I was a few months ago.

Don't try to be perfect mama/partner/housekeeper etc, it only sets you up for guilt and remorse. Trust me, I am harder on myself than anyone else.

[boysrus]

I am soo glad to hear this. I found that number 3 totally rocked my world!! Andf often felt t=like I was the only one. I remember posting on another board that three was waayy harder than 2 and I was the only one who found that to be true.
My kids are the about same spread as the OP> right now they are 7 5 and almost 3. I am just now beginning to feel like things are calming down. It is really hard. I am fidning that I am a better parent if we are scheduled in alot of activities, bc I have to be on my best behavior when out in public But, this became true only in the past few months. Before that, I hardly ever went out with all of them alone. DH and Iwould go out together only. I found it the most dificult from the time my youngest was 6 months, 18 months. Cuz then he was mobile, but had no common sense!! He crawled at five months, pulled up to a stand and started cruising at 6 months and started walking 1 week after he turned 8 months!!
So, just ake it easy on yourself. try to enjoy these times as much as possible. Thye will be gone before you know it :sniff

[manitoba_mommy]

I found that once I had three organisation became crucial, so did getting rid of the clutter. Have you ever seen http://www.flylady.net ? It might realy help, I know it helped me get everything under control.

I also had to learn to look for the fun in stuff. Even when I was exhasted or the kids were fighting, I would try and find just one funny, or fun, thing. Sometimes this was even making funny faces at my eldest until she laughed and rolled her eyes. A good sense of humour became crucial!

The last thing that helped me when it was realy overwhelming was to look online for someone who had it worse then me. Read a post in the loss forums, find a board that specialises in HUGE families and read their struggles. Go to the special needs forum, or read some personal essays on living with severely disabled kids. For that matter go read a few things at a SIDS site. That helped keep me from loosing it when it got the worst, put things in some perspective and made me realy appreciate what I did have.

It got easier for me, I love having three now and can't wait to have 4, so there is hope.

MM

[Heavenly]

Have you considered that you may have ppd? I was having a horrible time with two kids and when I finally got help and went on Wellbutrin it was like night and day. I don't have 3 children yet but I really don't believe that it should be at the point where you are overwhelmed all the time and can't leave the house. That is not normal. I hope things get better soon!

[lab]

So what if you don't feel like cooking? Everyone has blah days....

That's what I call it! I just tell my husband that I have the blahs!

I had three kids in three years. It is hard. But you know what - there are days where I am the BEST mom and the house looks like sh*t. There are days where the house looks perfect but the kids have been entertaining themselves all day. Of course, then there are days where my husband's (I do all of his invoicing etc) business is my main focus and the kids and house are wreck. The point is, life is about a balance. Don't expect to get that balance yet! You just had a baby for pete's sake!

It most certainly will get better. But until YOU feel better, ride it out. There is nothing wrong with being overwhelmed. You are recognizing it. That is what is so great.

Honestly, the ages your kids are now is the best. Everyone told me to enjoy my toddlers and I thought they were crazy! I had three toddlers! But they were right. Lay in bed until 9 am watching sesame street. Let your older kids miss a day of pre-school. Play with side walk chalk all morning then fix a fun lunch. You've got the blahs! Your a busy mom!

HTH!

(My kids are 10, 8.5 and 6.5 - I still get the blahs and don't want to cook or clean!)