to tell or not to tell?

[Plady]

I'm interested in what you mamas of older kids think.

I keep hearing reports about a friend's daughter being spotted out late in town, drinking and being drunk and I also keep hearing about how she is having sex.

Her mom is a really good friend and I know she is aware that her dd is not so innocent these days but I don't know if she has heard the same reports I've been getting (and the implication when people tell me these stories is that I'll pass along the information to my friend). However, my inclination is not to tell her because it's not like her dd is telling me these things, it's all rumor and I don't know what I would think if the tables were turned. But since my dd is only 2 it's hard to know what I would really want my friend to do if I was her.

What do you think? Would you want to hear this kind of rumor from a friend or would you feel like you were somehow being accused of bad mothering? I really don't think I will tell her unless there is an overwhelming vote from you mamas that I should.

[brusselsprout]

Coming from the perspective of the teenager...don't tell. My mom had horrible rumors about me told to her the whole time I was a teenager, mostly just because I was a little different than the average kid and so were my friends. Talking to my mom earlier this year I found out that people told her that I was shoplifting, drinking, doing drugs, and on and on it went...funny thing is my friends and I were very anti-drinking, drugs, etc. The worst I was guilty of was hanging out at the local coffee house (with a firm policy "No drugs, No booze, No Bozos") and playing chess/debating philosophy/swooning over poetry/listening to folk music and flirting with the boys who played it. Ok, well, maybe smoking a cigarette or two, but still, I was not the wild child rumor said I was!! and honestly my mom has said she wished people would not have called her with thier concerns because she spent many a sleepless night worrying about me.

[sohj]

what brusselsprout said.

Also, if all these people were telling me stuff (without me seeing anything confirming it) I would question their motivations. I know people who were smeared by rumor just because of jealousy. You might want to check out a great book: Slut: Growing up Female with a Bad Reputation by Elenora (Elena? Can't remember.) Tennenbaum (? also not sure of the last name, but it is a name very similar to that.)

As the saying goes, "Rumor flies around the world before truth has got its boots on."

[Plady]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. And anyway, what is she going to do about it? Chastity belts have sort of gone out of fashion and I know my friend well enough that I'm confident her kids have no illusions about where babies come from.

Oh well, I just wish I didn't keep getting the reports.

[Elana]

If you're close with her dd, maybe take her out for coffee. Show some trust in her. Tell her that you've been hearing some stuff, are worried about her, etc. You trust her and love her and don't want her to harm herslf, but you don't want to pass on rumors to mom.

If it's not true, no harm done. This way she knows she can trust you.
If it is true, you can tell her that you care about her, want to help her and will have a hard time not telling her mom, etc. Maybe help her formulate a plan that she cans tick to to help her.

The worst that can happen is - she won't like you anymore.

[Plady]

That's a good idea. Unfortunately I'm not really close to her at all. I'm just one of her mom's weird friends.

[anythingelse]

whoever is giving you the reports is the person I would talk more to, not the dd. I would ask flat out, why are you telling me this?? what is her motive, to hurt your friend?? you think she is jealous of your other friendship with the dd's mom??

[Red]

I think it's important to figure out if anything you're hearing is true. Are you gettting this all from one source? Is there any way to prove or dispprove what is being said?

I, too, was constantly getting 'squealed' on as a teen. I was hanging out with a foster sister who had some unique ideas. Most of the time I was innocent. But not the time I was accussed of hanging out at the fire station, flirting with the firemen. And one of them has been in court many times now for molesting/raping teen girls. At the time he seemed exciting. Now he's just gross.

If no one had told on us, we'd have done lots worse. I did have a hard time convincing my mother of my innocence, when I was. But since I usually told the truth, we weeded through it.

You don't have to be close to the girl to grab her and tell her what you've been hearing. Maybe she has a great excuse that will make sense. Maybe not. If the rumors seem true at all, I'd rather sort thorough them as a mother than not even know.

JMHO

[Bestbirths]

If there were rumors like that going around about my kids, I would want to know. I like all of the ideas here about aproaching the girl first, etc. But in the end, I would rather hear it from a friend than the rumor mill or not know at all. Really.

[Brenoi]

tough question - because as a mother, my first response is tell, tell, tell. I would want to know if it were my daughter. But having read the above responses, I think of the rumors that went around about me as a teenager. The woman who became my MIL heard horrible stories about me and tried to convince her son, my now dh, not to date me. (Thank goodness he did not listen).

I guess my thought is how close are you to the mother? If your friendship has waned a bit, take the initiave to spark it back up. If she is having that many problems with dd, she may be looking for an ear. I would plan a couple outings or tea talks with her, show her support and a willing ear. If the subject comes up ( I probably would not bring it up - but that depends because their are some friends that I am so close to that this would not be a question. We would definately put it on the table and discuss it with no difficult feelings at all.), you may choose to share what you have heard.

I would not start nosing around to see how true the rumor is. Asking about it may add creadence to it. And as for the person sharing the information (true or not), should be told that she should either talk directly to the mother or daughter or keep her mouth shut. This is how rumors start and they can be very hurtful. And even if she is sharing "true" information. The information is personal and not up for general conversation.

[Rainbow]

I agree that you should not tell. I was labelled a "slut" in school. Ironically I hated men and didn't willingly have sex with one until my DH. However if my dad had assumed I was and went crazy on me I was going through so much I would have just taken what he dished out. I wouldn't have fought to prove anything.