My 16 yr old niece is having sex

[WithHannahsHeart]

I am so upset. There is a loooong story behind all this, which i will try to condense shortly. But, i know many of you think it's terribly passe or whatever to expect that a teenager would not have sex, or even "GASP" wait til marriage. However, for primarily spiritual and moral reasons, i had so hoped for that for her, even expected that she would wait given her own mother's history of sexual promiscuity (spurred on by tremendous abuse, in her defense).

My sister is currently knocked up and living with a guy that she left her whole family of four kids and husband for. VERY condensed version right there. I guess i should not be surprised or upset, but i am, so very much. The pain i am feeling right now is indescribable. If that girl gets pregnant... I just don't know what to think. She's so terribly brilliant and wodnerful; i would be agonized if she cut short her future by getting pg.

[Nikki Christina]

can someone get her on birthcontrol??

[Ravin]

I suggest you sit down and have a frank talk with her about what she's doing, how she feels about it emotionally, the possible ramifications w/ regard to disease and pregnancy, birth control (if she's going to be sexually active, then she should be educated and encouraged to do so as responsibly as possible) and safer sex (imnsho, no one has business fornicating w/out a condom unless they are trying to get pregnant, and then it's dubious).

If you approach it in a nonjudgmental way--and I realize that may take setting aside your own personal beliefs on the issue--you might just get through to her.

At the very least, make sure she has access to, and knows how to use, condoms, and that she's using them. (Again, it may go against the grain for you for spiritual/moral reasons, but which is more important, that she live her life her way, or that she be able to take responsibility for her own decisions in an informed way?)

16 years old is not a "kid". She's obviously finding herself in situations where she's having to make adult decisions. The best caring adult-adults around her can do is empower her to make those decisions from an informed, understanding basis rather than in ignorance.

[Bippity]

What everybody else said.

And, I'll add - I started having sex at 16, too. Didn't get pregnant for the first time till I was 42. If she really is smart - talk to her, help her and then trust her.

[~Megan~]

She might be having sex to fill the void that her mother has left in her life. Maybe you can start "mothering" her some more and try to be a mentor to her.

I know for me when I was that young I was never sat down and explained the emotional aspects of sex. I understood BC and when I did have sex I used it all the time. And I understood about STDs (well sort of I thought that if you only had a few partners that your chances of getting it were slim, not true!).
I wish someone would have told me how sex will complicate your relationship especially immature relationships like those had by children.

[WithHannahsHeart]

I forgot to add that while i of course don't want her having sex i am ALL for her being on birth control, and so is her mother. Her stupid father has his head so far up his ass that he won't even discuss the issue with her mother (he is punishing her by not communicating with her about the kids or discussing their care with her), and simply told her she'd have to pay for it herself. Asshole. Anyway , i told my sister to high tail that girl to the doctor and get her a shot of Depo Provera, and also get fitted for a diaphragm (so she doesn't have to be buying condoms all the time). The health department might even do the whole thing for free, plus give her a sack of condoms to take home, too. To give my niece a smidge of credit, she is not sleeping around, and is at least making love with a very good kid that she has been dating for a year. This still does not make it right, but at least she is in a caring relationship and not being abused by skeeves like my sister was. the whole situation from start to finish is just tragic.

And, i cannot talk to my niece about it, though i would love to, as my sister did not want to tell me it in the first place, and fears that my discussing it with her (niece) might damage my relationship with her. Primarily that she told her mother in confidence, and would have insult added to injury (many she percieves to have sustained by her mother) that my sis talked about it with me. I'm thinkin' howeva, that i might just call up Katie for a casual chat just to see how she's doing, and see if i can't make it 'come up' . Thanks all for your support! I can use all i can get right now.

[Bippity]

and also get fitted for a diaphragm (so she doesn't have to be buying condoms all the time).

Ummm... somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't she need to use condoms EVERY TIME regardless of whether it's a diaphragm or the pill? Isn't AIDS transmission possible otherwise?

[3boobykins]

Diaphragms have a 15% failure rate. She should absolutely use a condom every time.

[WithHannahsHeart]

So no diaphragm then . I was thinking of that based on the fact that she is only sleeping with one boy (call me naive and stupid if you wish ). However, condoms would probably be a better choice. Hell, I will personally purchase them and deliver them to her if necessary.

[DreamerMama]

Originally Posted by Bippity

Ummm... somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't she need to use condoms EVERY TIME regardless of whether it's a diaphragm or the pill? Isn't AIDS transmission possible otherwise?

Please, buy her a very large box of condoms. Take her directly to get birth control.

How much is her own father seeing her? If he isn't seeing her enough, find her a male rolemodel...quick.

I started having sex at the age of 14. No one did any of the above for me, I ended up pregnant at 16 and again at the age of 18.

Pm if you need to, I have a lot more to say about it.

Hurry. Don't walk, run.

[Raven67]

I don't know your neice....

but, having sex at 16 is not always pathological or a tragedy, or whatever. I started when I was 17, always used protection, and was never coerced into it. Human beings have a right to their own sex lives. There's got to be a first time for everyone. Maybe she cares about her boyfriend, or is just attracted to him. Sex for teens isn't always about something wrong at home. It's biology. Maybe she is making the decisions she feels are right for her. Some 16-year-olds are very mature and deliberate in making the decision to have sex, I know I was, and I don't regret it. I'm sorry you're so upset, but there might not be anything to be upset about. (And, yes, I really hope I maintain such a rational view when my own little girl is 16!)

[anythingelse]

when I was 16 I would have been super pissed off to find my mom and my aunt discussing and passing judgements on my sex life -- espcially if I had been dating one person for a year. IMHO whether or not and who with she has sex is HER choice is does not matter - your 2 cents will not matter if when you talk to her in the future you come off this judgmental so I would NOT bring it up & back off

your sis was dead wrong to share her dd secrets and if teen wanted to talk to you about it she would have tt you before

a condom will protect her from STDS a lot more then a diaprgm and depo is not great for teens

I have a teen ds and can't fathom telling my family who with and how often he has sex
BTW she can prob buy her own condoms or her bf can LOL, how would you know if they like ribbed or warming lubed or if you buy size extra lagre and he is a small guy

[Breathless Wonder]

Be very careful about hammering the teenage pregnancy as the end of her life thing.

[Greaseball]

So she was seeing the guy for a year before they had sex? If that's true, he sounds like a great guy (assuming he hasn't been cheating on her). How many guys do we know who would just dump a girl for not having sex after "dating" for only a few weeks?

I'd caution against Depo. It's nasty stuff. I'd hope they were already using condoms.

Not all teens who have sex do it because they were abused or feeling unloved or are otherwise missing something. Some of them genuinely want to be sexual. I'd just want to make sure it was completely consensual and not something she was doing because of pressure or feeling like she "should."

[WithHannahsHeart]

Raven - I appreciate your honesty and your perspective. I must respectfully disagree with most of your positions, however. I do not believe that a minor child, with no true understanding of the long reaching ramifications of sexual activity, has a 'right' to a sex life. And i don't buy into the biology argument for one second. I did have sex with my husband before we were married, but we were not children; we are the other's only partner and are delighted to have it that way.

She lives with her father, actually. He is just dropping the ball. She is using condoms, just needs to be on a permanent form of bc that will not be forgotten in the heat of the moment. I am in an extremely difficult position - that of wanting badly to communicate with my much loved niece about this, and also not wanting to betray her and my sister's trust. I will try to get her to open up about it in conversation, and will continue to encourage my sister to go against BIL's stupidity and get bc at the local clinic. I get the feeling taht you all are judging me and findign me lacking.

[WithHannahsHeart]

Originally Posted by Breathless Wonder

Be very careful about hammering the teenage pregnancy as the end of her life thing.

And please give me a tiny bit of credit for tact and diplomacy. I don't intend to 'hammer' anything. I will encourage her to remember the belief system that has given her so much, as she makes her choices, and to not turn her back on it, however.

And, again, i will never think it's okay for a teenager to be having a 'sex life'.

[DreamerMama]

Originally Posted by Breathless Wonder

Be very careful about hammering the teenage pregnancy as the end of her life thing.

I'm sorry, but it was the end of my life. My teenage life, that is. When my children are that age, I will tell them it IS the end of your teenage life.

[anythingelse]

sorry you feel that way, we will have to agree to disagree I feel everyone has a right to their own sexual nature and feelings and that there is no age that becomes right or wrong to be sexually active.

I am not judging your beliefs, you have a right to your feelings based on your experiences, but this teen may not have those same beliefs and your posts definately judge her behavior as wrong & if you are close to her she is likely to sense that no matter how softly you word it and not only your relationship with her will be changed but her parental one as well..
IME sexually active teens can become defensive & angry when confronted by a moral code they do not hold.

[Bippity]

OK, I agree. When I was 19 my Mom figured out we were having sex (she had no clue it was by then 3 years old news). She kept me up till 4 AM until I finally after much coersion I had to agree to tell her every time we had sex. I already knew we could hide it well - just had to be more careful. So after much disagreement and no energy left, I caved and said OK. We never talked about sex again until I was 30 & divorced this guy. I learned how to be a better liar and sneak around better. We started dating at 15, sex at 16, married at 22, divorced at 28. THEN I grew up. I knew my Mother would disapprove - always knew it. But, it was and remains my life, my choice. Nobody elses. I AM smart - we used protection & it was in the 70's when protection wasn't "necessary".

If I love someone, I respect them and I trust them and I leave my judgments at the door. To me that's what love is all about. We live, we weigh our options, we make mistakes, we learn from them and we eventually grow into wise people. It almost always happens that way in my life and the people I know. Wisdom can't be imparted.

Added: But, I would still see if there's a way to talk to her in a nonjudgmental tone - but with concern and support. It's a tough spot to be in when you care for somebody & you're scared thery're on the verge of making a huge mistake.

[Breathless Wonder]

I'm sorry, but it was the end of my life. My teenage life, that is. When my children are that age, I will tell them it IS the end of your teenage life.

Right.
And my DH's father told him if I got pregnant it would be the end of DH's ENTIRE life. He told my DH he would never finish college, be successful, never have a good job, or be able to do the things he dreamed of, etc.

And that's what I meant.