or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Archives › Miscellaneous › Dads › Dad's - how much do you help your wives?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Dad's - how much do you help your wives? - Page 3

post #41 of 87
Melissa,

Didn't mean to imply you were one of those people!

Another random thought that came to mind when talking about the "value" of the work that stay-at-home parents do was that their work often extends to other family and friends. My husband regularly acts as an airport drop-off/pick-up service, emergency babysitter, and all-around be-there-when-you-need-something-during-the-day person. That is also worth a lot IMO.
post #42 of 87
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ragana
Melissa,

Didn't mean to imply you were one of those people!
You mean about women who complain but do all the work b/c they can do it better? I did not think you were implying that I was one of them, was just responding to the idea you threw out b/c I used to be that way.
post #43 of 87
Why oh why must I be reminded or told what must be done. I see it there, why can't I take it out.... Does your husband always do the things you ask at the last minute? Or right before you get home, does he finally pick up the kids toys from the living room?

If the dishes sit in the dishwasher all afternoon, it doesn't bother me. But I know my wife has other stuff to do when she gets home, so I empty right before I leave the house. I see that the laundry needs to be put into the drawers or on hangers but I figure that when my wife wants it to be taken care of, she will do it or ask me to. My wife still has some issues about having stuff done the way she wants it.

When my mother/mother-in-law/wifes grandmother/sister-in-law come over to visit, they often help her out. Guess what? While my wife doesn't tell them what they did wrong, I can tell by her expressions and her actions that they didn't do it the way she wanted it done. "Doh! Don't put the dishes there... you'll be sorry."

Not directed at the OP, but I'm glad to see that not all women think that being nice to your husband to get him to help out is that bad or that big of a deal. Your not selling yourself or your womanhood out. Why would anyone think that asking their husband nicely to do something is so 50s.

Denying him sex is very hurtful and will create a bit of resentment. Do women really think that sex is something that men do, to you? The next day, do you really think that we go to work and tell our buds, "yo, I nailed it last night bro!" Of course not. Sex to men, with our wives, is a very connecting, bonding act that we do WITH our wives. Is making love with your husband an act on his part to dominate you and destroy your feminism? He wants to make love to you because you are feminine. Why punish and deny him of it.

This man is supposed to be the person who you decided that you loved so much, that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, raise your kids with him, and grow old with him. Do you honestly think he wants to put you underneath him. I don't know him, but I would be willing to bet that he would give his life for yours or your kids without hesitation. He would go to work when he doesn't feel like it, work for a boss that he doesn't like, work with people that he doesn't get along with, work long hours, so you could have nice things and so your kids can have all the stuff the he never had. Don't take him for granted.

Well, you asked for a dads opinion.
post #44 of 87
Sorry it took me so long to get back from putting our daughter to sleep, I was distracted in War and Politics.

Quote from HC4
"Why would I want to help her, I would never do it right in the first place so we have a deal here, she stays out of the garage, and I stay away from the kitchen and laundry room.

Helping my wife is like looking for a fight."

Pretty pathetic. From reading this post I would have to say that both your relationships to each other need work. Sadly, this is a view held by a great many men. And sadly, I have had the mispleasure of working with a great many men who do talk about their wives (and girlfriends) as Artroller described ..."The next day, do you really think that we go to work and tell our buds, "yo, I nailed it last night bro!" Of course not."

Artroller, you sound like a great guy, but do not be naive. The attitudes of many men, and I have to say in my own experience the majority, is exactly that. If not overtly, then when they think they are in a "safe" space, usually around a few trusted buds, I will here the conversation. Once I open my mouth in protest or defense of the woman's POV, I don't get to hear theirt conversations anymore. It is a sad attitude and disgusts me. After all, these are the women they love, right?

Just from reading someone's post it is hard for me to know exactly what type of guy they are. But from what I've read so far, the majority sound like a bunch of tired, overworked guys who have never had to think about actively participating in raising a child. It is scary. But, not insurmountable.

My partner and I decided originally that I would stay home and Mama would work full time at her professional muckety-muck job. She pulled in almost twice what I made doing service and retail management. (I was looking forward to giving up the long weeks, stress and staying home with our daughter). But, during her leave she caught the baby bug and could not see leaving our daughter. She nursed exclusively, we AP parent, co-sleep, getting ready for homeschooling, the works. So, we changed our plans. But, I could not see going back to work full time and being a parent or a father in our parental mold. So, I work part time in a no stress job, we're poor, but we provide for all our daughter's needs. Because, ultimately, it is about the child.

So, I am home as much as possible. I take care of our DD as much as I am able to. She is VERY bonded to Mama, like velcro some days. So, I can only do so much before she wants to, 'see mama'. It is my official role to put her to sleep. But, I do what I can around the house and with our DD. Every little thing helps. Playing at the park with her, reading books, 'hanging out', or just simply interacting as she goes through a pretend monologue.

I guess I just find it hard when I hear of fathers who do not want to spend time with their children. It's your child, how could you not? Well, the sad thing is many men do feel they only have to help make them and not take care of them.

I'm also a bit older than some dads I know, and that has made a difference in how I approach things. When I was 21, I was planning my next keg party and not even thinking of how a diaper change would go. So, there has to be some credit for youth and dealing with the responsibility of parenthood. But, it's not something that can't be done.

I find it encouraging to see so many dads that have taken a pro active role in raising their children. I am happy to have found mothering, (courtesy of my partner) and the Dads forum. It is good to see the rare few are out there who help the Mamas of the world. 'Cause they need it.
post #45 of 87
Tata,
I'm sure your right that I am a bit naive, and that some guys do talk about their wives. I'm sure some women talk openly about what they do with their husbands too. But I would say that most of the guys I work with don't. A few do, and few have affairs too. So not everyone is perfect. That's why we cherish the good ones.

I don't talk bad about my wife to others. It's demeaning to her and worse yet, it shows that I have no respect for her. I wouldn't say anything about her that I wouldn't say in front of her.

I am overworked and tired. But it's not my daughters fault and I try not to take time away from her. I know it's the small things that will stay with her. Taking her for a walk, sitting with her to color, taking her to the convenience store just so she can pick out a candy. I work shift work so sometimes I go up to 6 or 7 days without seeing my wife. But I get to spend 4 to 6 hours alone with just my little one. So I definitely know what its like to watch a 3 year old tear apart the house just so I can clean it before I go to work. So I appreciate it when my wife gives me my time when I come home just to do my thing. I appreciate it alot more when she is sweet to me when asking me to do stuff around the house. I can be dog tired surviving on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a day, but when she comes over and gives me a hug, and in a very girly way asks me to do the dishes, it get done.
post #46 of 87
Bless you.
post #47 of 87
This is going to sound bad, but... he doesn't help me. To say that he does would imply that raising the kids and housework/maintainance are soley MY responsibility, and that being the income earner is soley his. I see it more as a partnership.... we help each other out. Right now, he's on parental leave (I'll get to that) but before that I'd say it usually went:

DH:
Income Earning: 100%
Housework/Maintainance: 40%
Childcare: 10%

Me:
Income Earning: 0%
Housework/Maintainance: 60%
Childcare: 90%

You will probably notice that works out to 50/50. He's an apprentice electrician, so has a pretty physical job, and often out of doors, regardless of the weather. I feel like we do about the same amount of work keeping our home running, and our family happy. I have a hard time with the Income Earning part of that... it's almost like I think he goes into stasus while he's at work or something. I find myself expecting him to have more energy than I do when he walks in the door. He doesn't. Early evening is the time of day when DS (& the rest of us!) is tired, hungry & bored, and being used as a human keenex/wrestling partner/juice-getting guy turned out not to be the change of pace DH is looking for at the end of his day most days (who knew?!) We lean on one another, we get through it.

Now that he's on parental leave (since DD was born) we only have to do the housework and childcare. It's a little less cut & dry. Some days I feel like I'm doing the brunt of the work, and other days he is. Usually, I feel like he's my life preserver, but some days he's like my cinderblock!! (and I'm sure he feels the same way about me) Anyway, in the long run, I think we end up doing about the same amount of work.
post #48 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr.Worm
Ummm...please forgive me for butting in...but sling dad...are you real?
sling dad is not me or my dh, but much of what he said is true in our home. Currently my dh is singing and rocking my 2.5 yr old ds to sleep while I am NAKing. Most of the help around the house I get is playing with the kids and giving me a break. I still do much of the housework- but he does help one weekends too. He is a bit of a handyman so rather than cleaning etc he does all the fix it stuff on weekends etc with the help of our ds.
yasi
post #49 of 87
At my house, my wife (who is a stay at home mother to our two children) and I split the work to be done when I am at home. I feel that the work she does during the day is as much as the work I do during the day. Period.

When I get home, I "spell" her immediately and watch the kids so she can sit down and post on mothering.com or do whatever she wants. I usually make dinner and I usually fill the dishwasher. But after that, she covers for me until bedtime. If we are doing baths, I am in charge of the boy, she is in charge of the girl. For bedtime, the same (mostly because the girl is still nursing).

Aside from the question of equity, there is the question of balance. We all need alone time and we all need help.
post #50 of 87
This a really good thread. I have read alot of the posts but not all, so I hope I don't end up being redundant.

I used to just wait and wait for my husband to walk in the door after I'd had a bad day so I could FINALLY get a break. I learned the hard way that that approach did not give me very good results! He was immediately put on guard and the whole evening got off on the wrong foot.

Now, when my husband comes in from work, I do my best to make sure there is a warm and welcoming environment for him to come into. The TV is off, and we are reading or talking or something low-key that he can easily step in to and immediately take part, if he wants. Hugs, kisses, etc. to let him know we are happy he is home, and we missed him.

When he's ready, usually 15-30 minutes after he's come in, taken off his shoes, used the bathroom, etc. he'll ask how my day has gone. Then it is my turn to vent. To get help. To take a break. Whatever. As long as he knows that he is "home". A warm, safe environment where he can have fun with the kids while momma takes a break. It goes over alot better than coming in to a war-zone and expecting him to embrace that after a long day of work.

As far as the amount of work my husband does around here-

He mows the lawn
does the dishes most of the time
cooks dinner most of the time
puts the kids to bed and does bathtime a couple days a week
and picks up around the house as needed

He knows I make an effort to keep the house a safe-haven for him to come home to, and it has rubbed off. He wants me to be happy and well-cared for as well.
post #51 of 87
Thread Starter 
I just realized I can't in good conscience expect DH to take over where I have been lacking during the day. Some days I'm abit depresseed and don't do much and then expect DH to "rescue" me when I'm struggling in the evening b/c I can't find pajamas and sippy cups and the beds are not made and we've had late supper (again) so there's still dishes to be done. Jamie your advice is well taken and something I have thought of in the past.

Melissa
post #52 of 87
My DW is a SAHM and she also watches 2 two y.o.'s during the week. I work the graveyard shift so I am usually sleeping through all of the racket and running and screaming. When I wake up during the week, I know that she is exhausted, there isnt much of a break for her, even when the kids are napping, she is cleaning up from the breakfast and lunch disaster in the kitchen and Hurricane toddler that came through the living room and dining room. When I wake up, it's usually about time to get the kids ready for their parents and the final clean up of the day. I know by the end of the day, by DW is just drained. I usually help her get the house cleaned at the end of the day and we alternate picking dsd up from school. Then not too long after that it's dinner, bath and bed time. It's a very detailed day for her and I know any thing i do will help her out. I try to cook dinner once in a while or at least take over and help load the dishwasher (which by the way I will never figure out, as she has a strategic plan for everything and just moves it all around anyway). But I do help when I can. On weekends I usually get up with the kids and let her sleep in for the extra hour or so and get her coffee ready (god knows that you do not want to see my dw in the morning with no coffee). So anyway it comes down to I do help her out as much as I can and I take care of all the outside work on top of that as much as I possibly can. I think that we have a good thing going, it has worked this far even though we've just been married for nearly 9 months.
post #53 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa S
Where I come from it's pretty normal to have chauvanistic attitudes.
Where are you from, anyway? I'm assuming you're originally American because you wrote

Quote:
...that if he brings in a paycheck that's enough...
and used "paycheck" instead of "paycheque".
post #54 of 87
It's the word "help" that bugs me. I don't need my partner to "help" me. I need him to do exactly what I do: Notice what needs to be done, and just do it. No nagging should be required. It shouldn't be a secret to someone who lives in a house just as much as I do what chores are required to keep it from descending into chaos. If there is a pile of laundry, put it on to wash. If we are out of some key food item, add it to the online shopping list. (Opening the fridge and whining that "there's nothing to eat!" doesn't count.) This applies to traditionally male chores, as well, i.e. if the toilet is stopped up, I get the damn plunger out myself. When I wanted to replace the carpet in the basement and I knew he was swamped with work and other projects, I did the work myself.

Over the course of our relationship, he's gotten much better at this, and especially so since I've been pregnant. But we had to have many conversations to get to this point.

Edited to add: I gave him a lot of slack on this since he was moving into my house when we decided to live together, and it wasn't true at first that he should just "know" what needed to be done and how we should do it.
post #55 of 87
Hey all, I saw this thread and thought it was great to talk openly about how we feel without actually hurting somebody's feeling.

Here is my case

I'm a Ph.D student full time and pregnant and my dh works full time as well. Right now we do not have any child-demanding activities, other than getting ready for the girl-to-come.

My dh is such a great help, I do the cooking all the week, he'll do the dishes. He is so good at doing whatever I ask him to do, BUT he doesn't have any initiative. He will not do anything if I don't ask him to do it.

Lately I have asked him to do probably a bit too much, but I feel like "I'm pregnant and study full time" you only "work" so is fair to help. He is totally ok with it, BUT again I have to do the thinking of what needs to be done, even if he has to cook (often during the weekends) he'll ask me what to do. I mean literally he will not move a finger if I don't ask him to.

So here is my question, should I stop "asking" for things and just let him be even though we have no more dishes to eat. Should I do everything my self.

I have talked to him over and over about this, but it doesn't seem to sink in. I know he means good, and he doesn't mind if I ask him to do anything/everything, but I have this feeling like when you have to ask somebody to say I love you.

Right now the situation is manageble but I don't want to wait until the baby comes and then everything will get in this tense atmosphere.

Any thoughts?
post #56 of 87
Cuau, you get nothing but sympathy from me. It's a tough issue to work out, and it often takes even great couples years to nail down the balance. And not getting this stuff worked out will get you in divorce court. (It's one of the top reasons people split, along with fights about money.) No, you shouldn't have to nag or constantly ask for help over the long term. However, in the short term, you may have to keep verbalizing some of this stuff in a way that makes it clear what needs to be done.

It really is about the mindset. Dividing responsibilities 50-50 will get you nowhere, IME. It has to be 100-100, as in everyone is 100 percent responsible for the happiness of the household, for things to work out. Until both partners "get" that, the arguments about chores will go on forever and ever and ever.
post #57 of 87
Thread Starter 

ninelives

It's funny, I'm from Saskatchewan, Canada. But we are very influenced by US lingo. I never could figure out if it was "paycheck" or "paycheque". Same with "color" or "colour". The teachers always told us in school that either goes, bot hare right. Depends where the book you read is from and of course so much of the literature comes from the USA. But about the chauvanistic attitudes, I grew up in a very small town, about 500 people in all. A farming community with lots of politics and sports, lost of "status quo" and men brought home the bacon while farm wives stayed at home, barefoot and pregnant. The first big fight my mom had with her in-laws was that she got a job at the bank and my grandpa was outraged that a woman should work. It meant that the man had no value because his income alone could not provide all the families needs. It meant the husband was not independant or successful. Bah! To think that a man needs help! Imagine! That's the general attitude. Of course things have changed alot in the last 30 years but that attitude still has remnants in the next generation.

Melissa
post #58 of 87

Sheesh.

I'm the SAHD of a 4 year old and a 2 year old girl. I do the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, housework, Etc.... and I work 32 hours a week at Home Depot, 7-midnight 3-4 nights a week, and 16 hours every weekend.
I also do alot of side jobs after work on the weekends and some evenings I dont work. My wife is the best. She works all day and comes home to the kids and myself, 1/2 hour later I'm out the door. She takes care of the laundry on the weeekends while I am at work. Usually baths the kids in the evenings. No complaints. We do what NEEDS to be done to make the ends meet and provide for our family. It's not rocket science.

At least when you are at work you only have to deal with the needs and safety of yourself. I think he should try a day at work with a 2 year old in tow and see what it's like to try and get the smallest of things done. Trade places for a week.

I think he needs to be a man/father/husband and suck it up.
post #59 of 87

Are our DH's related?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa S
Any little thing to show we are doing the family thing together. I want him to be more involved with family life and from time to time to do abit extra when I am on the verge of a breakdown instead of watching me struggle on my own while he sits on the couch and watches TV or plays video games.

Melissa
I read this and suddenly couldn't breathe. That is my life. In a nut shell. I am a SAHM of 4 littles. 7, 4, 2, and 7 months. I do all the cooking, and most of the cleaning. (I have a friend who takes pity on me, and helps out once in a while) DH brings home the paycheck, and he is done. He won't even cut the grass or do outside "MAN" things. (So he calls them) He just plops himself in front of the tv while I cook, help with homework, BF the baby (I know that I am on my own on this one ) but anyhow I feel like I am alone at home. Even when it is obvious that I am at my wits end, he is too busy to help. He yells at the kids if they want attention, which = kid and toddler meltdown which = me freaking out and getting into a big fight with DH. I just want to destroy the PS2, but then he would turn on the xbox, and if I got rid of that he would get his PSP: then if that one disappeared he would only move on to my puter, which I would die without. What would I do during naptime?
Anyhow, he would only take HIS paycheck and buy a new one.
post #60 of 87
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyndmamaof4
I read this and suddenly couldn't breathe. That is my life. In a nut shell. I am a SAHM of 4 littles. 7, 4, 2, and 7 months. I do all the cooking, and most of the cleaning. (I have a friend who takes pity on me, and helps out once in a while) DH brings home the paycheck, and he is done. He won't even cut the grass or do outside "MAN" things. (So he calls them) He just plops himself in front of the tv while I cook, help with homework, BF the baby (I know that I am on my own on this one ) but anyhow I feel like I am alone at home. Even when it is obvious that I am at my wits end, he is too busy to help. He yells at the kids if they want attention, which = kid and toddler meltdown which = me freaking out and getting into a big fight with DH. I just want to destroy the PS2, but then he would turn on the xbox, and if I got rid of that he would get his PSP: then if that one disappeared he would only move on to my puter, which I would die without. What would I do during naptime?
Anyhow, he would only take HIS paycheck and buy a new one.
Wow, he's not a father, he's a sperm donor.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Dads
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Archives › Miscellaneous › Dads › Dad's - how much do you help your wives?