mean girls(very very long)

[allgirls]

Okay this is a long story...it's about my oldest daughter who will be 14 in Oct.

She went to a bday party Friday night...it was not fun...the girls were ignoring her, excluding her, one girl in particular was giving her a hard time...this girl is trouble, imho her mom is very controlling and overbearing and the poor child has no esteem...this shows in her behaviour...once I was driving them back from the Theatre(a school trip to a Shakespeare play) and she gave the bus behind us the finger...

Anyway I guess the girls were trying on each others grad dresses and this girl was still in her bra...so the girls started messing around...once girl unsnapped her bra, was sitting on her back and my daughter was there in the room...then she pulled the bra out from in under her...my daughter pulled her arms out...she never got exposed but I guess this was the object(very inappropriate behaviour I am sure will never be repeated) any way it was all done as a prank...the girls were all laughing and giggling including the bra girl.

So on Monday they are in school...my daughter walks into the school and everyone is talking about her and ignoring her and it turns out the girl went to school and told everyone she was nearly "raped" and forced out of her clothes and on and on...all the kids are talking about my daughter even the other girls who were in on it(trying to cover their own butt is my guess)

So this escalates, they are chatting on MSN...she calls my daughter all kinds of names, several of them are sending nasty messages and e-mails..it becomes obvious to me that this is a girl who is just plain mean...there is no "I was embarrassed, violated, I am hurt by what you did" It's all about "I am going to make sure you don't have friends, you are a loner, you will be alone, everybody hates you now...ha ha ha" that sort of thing.

This again happens on Wednesday...I am so ticked...I let my daughter stay home and she is having friends over from our old town on Friday night...she is so depressed over this...my daughter is a social butterfly and having no friends is devastating.

So she stays home today...I am hoping this blows over. She talks to the one girl in her class who has been excluded numerous times herself and she tells her that the girl has really done a job while she is out of school and she is calling her "rapist" and "lesbian" and all these things. My daughter is in tears once again.

So I get in the car and drive over to this girl's house...tell her mother(who had no clue) what was happening.

Her mother brings her and her friend to the house to discuss this and I get my daughter to bring her friend from class over to be witness( I don 't trust what this girl will tell her friend's at school about the meeting)

So they come over and I ask her for her side of the story...it's basically the same story,except she was embarrassed, violated...I asked her if she felt so violated why she didn't tell her mom...she said she was scared, I said but you told everybody else...so she is changing her story, suddenly the friend with her was there and unhooked her bra(not the girl originally accused)..then she is on the floor, then she is on the couch, that's what she meant, they were taking pics of her, then they were not real pics, my daughter says she asked for pics in her bra to send to a boy, she denies it...

I told her that accusing someone of "rape" is very serious and she better be prepared to follow it up...that rape is a serious criminal offense and she should not make the accusation lightly and that it isn't fair to any girl who is ever abused or molested. if she felt she was violated in some sexual way she should, and I encourage her to call the police...BUT that all 3 of the girls involved would be equally guilty not just my daughter(as I feel this is just a vendetta against her otherwise the other 2 would be blames as well)...that I didn't feel that there was any violent intent in what happened and that although it wasn't appropriate behaviour, it also wasn't a crime.

The whole time I was talking to the girls, the mother stood by and said not one word...

An hour after she left we have a phone msg to check e-mail...there is an apology to my daughter about her mean behaviour...

I hope this now blows over and they move on. I think my daughter has learned a lesson. After they left I had a serious talk with my girls about group behaviour and to never never get involved in any activity involving removing another persons clothing even if they are giggling and laughing through the whole thing...

So enjoy your little ones before it gets real complicated...I hope I handled this ok..only time will tell...

[lab]

Allgirls - This is so horrible. My 2nd grader went through miserable year because of mean girls! And they are just plain mean!

I would suggest you read Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons.

Honestly, this book gives great insight into the mind of middle school girls and why they act the way they do. From what I remember, it is hidden aggression that fuels the insanity. Of course - not all the time but basically girls are brought up (generally speaking of course) being told to be nice. Nice girls do this. Be sweet - blah blah blah. In other words, girls are supposed to be perfect. Well girls aren't perfect - they have just as much energy and aggression as boys but don't have an outlet. So this is how they get it out. On the other side - you have girls who have been told their entire lives to be 'nice' so they are afraid to come straight out and tell friends if something is bothering them. The girls are afraid that if they tell Susie that she hurt their feelings, Susie will not be her friend anymore. It is a vicious cycle.

You handled the situation perfectly! Most people would just assume that this is normal girl behavior but it is not! I was going to tell you to contact the other mothers! The book mentions that girls in your daughters situation should not be forced to go to school - and that is exactly what you did!

I hope it gets better for your dd. I would have her completely cut all ties with this group of girls. This sort of behavior gets really extreme with the 'popular' crowd of girls. If your dd finds a great friend who is not popular she will have a much better time in school.

Anyway, HTH - Sorry I rambled. Read the book! It is such a great book!

As a matter of fact - when my dd had a hard time this year - I loaned my book to the guidance counselor. I also loaned it to my dd's 1st grade teacher last year. I will for sure pull my dd out of school next year (we are already out of school here) if any of this pops up again. Isn't it just heartbreaking! Towards the end of the year, I would meet my dd for lunch because none of the girls would sit with her. You are right - you can't make them like her or talk to her but by God they don't have to be hateful!

Good Luck!

[neveryoumindthere]

I think you handled the situation great considering.
I do think that the behaviour at the get-together was completely innappropriate but on all the girls parts, not just ur daughter, however it shouldnt have escalated to something that serious (ie. rumors about being a rapist etc--s to your dd. that must feel devastating)

I really think you did a great job and taught your daughter some important lessons.

re: odd girl out. i have been wanting to read that book forever and a day but it's expensive. i saw the author on oprah a couple years ago, it sounds like an amazing book

[Brenoi]

I am so sorry that you and your dd went through this. I am practically in tears. The sad truth is that things like this stick with you. These mean girls have no idea the affect they have. I am so sorry for you guys, but it sounds like you handled it wonderfully. I hope for both of your sakes it is over!

[Red]

Wow, great job!

That's hard, when your child IS involved in something 'wrong'. It's so much easier when your kid is just a victim, YKWIM?

But you wer great! Encouraging the gril to report this if it was really a crime was exactly the way to go, I think. It shows that you take it all seriously, that you are concerned, and it protects your child from undue blame. I may have to call you for advice!

If things arent' better, consider switching schools. Different schools can have a completely different feel to them. Kids are friendlier, cliqui-er(ah, you know!), more aggressive, more studious, depending on what the school requires of them.

Get yourself a little present! YOu deserve a reward!

[lab]

Nevermindyouthere - Check out half.com.

Some books are pretty reasonable there....

OK! Here it is for $4.75 not including shipping......

http://half.ebay.com/cat/buy/prod.cg...1856&meta_id=1

[neveryoumindthere]

wow thanks! our ONLY city bookstore has it for over $40!!

[dolphinkisser]

Hi allgirls....just feel moved to share my story because last year at about this time i was in turmoil as well about what my dd was going through in fourth grade. I knew something was up because dd who was 9 at the time was telling me that everybody had to shun K. and if she did not C. would not be her friend. I told her maybe you don't need C. as a friend..she does not sound trustworthy but Nina said no C. was a good friend.
Well toward the end of the year, C. started telling all the other girls to run away from my daughter whenever she would approach them. She told me this but it was so painful when i actually saw them doing this in front of my eyes when i was chaperoning the field trip.
Well... this year , C. started wanting to be friends with dd again and the good thing is that dd learned a lession. She is very close to K...the girl that she was told to shun in the first place and pretty much ignores C. She has two friends in school and i am so okay with that. I think K. is such a neat girl and they spend the weekends together. She also has another friend from another school and visits and that is it and i am so relieved about that. Both my dd's have one close friend they visit and spend the weekend doing thing like drawing and spending time with animals. I am so happy there aren't a whole bunch of girls around doing the cliquey thing. The above posters are right..when a group of girls get together there is nothing but problems...one does not feel good unless someone else is excluded from the group. I tell both my dd's ...act as if you don't care that you are excluded and they won't pick on you. I really think both my dd's are past wanting to be in the popular group. My life ( and theirs)is so much less stressful.
Besides how deep are certain friendships? I also did not belong to a popular group but had a very close friend i trusted and we are still friends more than 30 years later. I wonder if the cliquey girls from my high school have even seen each other since?
I also know from being a hs special ed teacher..i have mostly girls in my class and it is crazy. All this be my friend and not her friend ...call me and don't call her .. i sometimes want to jump out the window to get away from it all. Ahh...the good ol' days when i had a classroom full of only boys!