i have officially stopped seeing my OB. they've called me twice now.
i can't stand the thought of going back and being made to feel crappy for wanting to go to term AT LEAST, you know? for wanting this baby to actually come when she comes... for wanting a doctor who puts my own health, life, rights, and choices above that of my unborn child... and for wanting a doctor who truly believes in women's ability to birth their own babies...
but i think that concept scares most OBs. if they taught women to believe in their own ability to give birth, they'd be out of a job, save for the 5% or so of women who truly need an OB during pregnancy + birth...
honestly, stepping so far outside of the mainstream terrifies me. i've been upping my meditation, visualization + yoga because i keep hearing so many bad things about birth... it creeps in and freaks me out, you know?? so i retreat to my corner + flip open the lovely Jeannine Parvati Baker's book i have, and meditate on the peaceful images of birth, and the strength that women have inside ourselves...
but even through all of my beliefs, there's still a part of me that listened when my OB said that babies should come before 40 weeks. i find myself coming back to the thought, i'm 37 weeks! i should have this baby by now!
which is such a skewed thought, and i hate admitting that i even have it, but it's there. i went for a walk this morning at dawn and it hit me that i haven't had the baby yet, and even my hugs + rushes had stopped the past few days, and i felt a surge of terror ~ this baby will never come if she doesn't come this week!
then i stopped (literally, stopped where i was for an instant) and i contemplated how absurd that idea was, and how sad it was that not only is this such a prevalent attitude, but also that if my doctor was able to get that idea so firmly in MY head, think of how many women he's actually been able to INDUCE because of it!
so when they called again at 8 this morning while i was in the bath, i let it go to the answering machine and made up my mind to not return anymore of their calls at all.
but i'm still scared. i don't think i'm really scared of the birth at all, though ~ just the thought of being so different, and of facing reprimand by my dr(s), and my parents, and my IL's... ARGH what stupid rambling.
i just had to get that out there.