I don't know if I can do this

[Shantimama]

I think I am at the end of my rope. I am so tired and under do much stress. Homeschooling is about to tip me over, I think. This being June I can't enrol my kids in school but right now I am tempted to spend the summer getting them ready to go in the fall.

The stress around here is too much. My husband's job has been crazy-harmful-stressful for a long time and that has affected me. He just quit a few days ago so the end is in sight but we aren't there yet. We moved into this awful big house a year ago and the kids hate it and I am tired of all of the work. My mom lives with us and has Alzheimers and for the life of me I can't figure out why I thought we could support her - it isn't the dementia related stuff, it's just her emotional mess she brings wherever she goes. I bear the brunt ot it, along with the kids' stuff (I am their mother so I expect that) and am dh's main emotional support. We are going to have to move again and I am overwhelmed by the thought.

My kids fight so much and the noise and hurtfulness of it drives me crazy. Whenever we begin a story or an activity together an argument breaks out and leaves me too tense to enjoy being with my kids. Most of their friends are so busy that we rarely see them anymore. Most of the hs'ers in this area are so obnoxious I don't really want my little ones exposed to them too much - and it feels like that is how my little ones are going anyway. It feels like we are growing into this awful dysfunctional family instead of having the soild loving family life I thought hs'ing would help. I didn't have a rose-coloured glasses vision of hs'ing but right now I can't see anything good about it.

I don't have enough time to do everything. DH works very long hours and hurt his back so he can't help out much physically. I feel ready to explode - at the injustice he faced in his work, at all of the responsibility I am carrying, at the mess in my house, at having to cook yet another meal and get the kids to clean up, at my kids for acting so spoiled sometimes. I just want some regular time alone. The only good thing I see about sending them to school is having a break every day. Sure I can offer them a better education at home, but can I really when we actually accomplish so little? This isn't about unschooling or structure, it is about getting through the day without feeling worn out by all the kids and the house and my family need from me. I want to read and play with them but without them fighting so much. Somewhere food needs to be prepared and the house kept somewhat clean. Bills need to be paid, errands run. From time to time I even need a shower, time to read or quilt - things that just don't happen anymore. I escape to MDC and while this is a great place, it isn't a healthy way to handle my frustration and fatigue.

We can't afford a house cleaner or meals out. I sure hope when dh starts his new job later in the fall he will be able to take over more of the stuff around here. I really believe in hs'ing but this isn't good for any of us, me being so burnt out. Everywhere I look all I see is more work waiting to be done, someone needing something from me - even walking by our pets makes me think of the work they require. I am so afraid that I am messing my kids up emotionally by being so fried, that hs'ing was the biggest mistake and later they will hate me for it. I want it to be different!

Please help.

[brandywine]

I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. I'm a big homeschooling advocate, but I also think we should do what is going to work for our families. Maybe you could try some kind of summer day camp in the meantime to give yourself a break. The Y has some good programs and they have scholarships. As far as the housekeeping goes, one thing that works well for us is to have each person responsible for his or her own dishes. My kids are 4 and 6, and they wash, dry and put away their dishes immediately after use. I still have to wash the pans and soforth, but having them do their own washing helps. My kids think it's fun, so I don't have to enforce, but if I did I might consider having just one spoon, fork, knife, bowl, cup and plate for each person (maybe color coded?). That would help keep the mess down a little. Also maybe consider some cheap convenience food. I know it's bad for you, but we're talking short term here, and stress is bad for you too. Some people find www.flylady.com helpful for organizind their cleaning but others find it overwhelming. I think the most imkportant thing is to have the kids take care of their own messes. As for the fighting I WISH I had a suggestion for that, and if you hear of a good one, you let me know! Feel better.

[Boobiemama]

I am just finishing up a homeschooling year. I decided I am no good at it. My son is enrolled in a public charter school to begin in August.

I cant hs without feeling guilty. I dont think I was doing the best by keeping my son home. I think he will do much better in this charter school.
Every time we sit down to do something there is the toddler wanting something, the baby needs to nurse, then someone pooped... on and on. Then the dogs did something stupid.... Its neverending, so I totally know how you feel.

I cant wait til my son is in school and I can try to get some structure to this house. I will miss him, and he is not the thing that drives me batty, its everythng else. I too end up tired and frustrated and not enjoying the time we spend together. I think a less stressed mom will be better on the kids. I doubt my son is benefitting from hsing when I am yelling all the time.

[Brenoi]

I agree that children do not benefit from yelling mothers on an on going basis and I agree that hs is not for everyone BUT I think that you also have to take a very good look at your life and see if you are pointing to the right source of your stress. For example, in the first email, Shantimama mentions having her mother in the house who has Alzheimers. Might that be a better place to start de-stressing? Having come from ps, I can garuntee that it does not take away stress. Actually the overwhelming stress is part of what led me to hs. Just so that you are 100% sure of what you are about to do, look at your whole life and see what else can be eliminated first - are you volunteering too much, babysitting others children, trying to keep to large of a house, keeping your neatness standard too high. Can you add some special time for yourself? Just a few minutes a week could make all the difference. And finally are you thinking of hs as "schooling at home"? I f these other considerations don't help then go ahead, but this is one thing you don't want to regret later. Children's lives move by too quickly.

[Staceyhsmom1]

Hi Momma!
First things first, you need to take care of you!
I think this is a very stressful time in your life, your post pours out how difficult it is right now for you. I hope things change for the better for you and quickly!
When life gets too busy and overwhelming for me I try to remember to take what minutes I can, where ever I can, even if it's just spending extra time in the bathroom(with the door shut!) to wash my face or file my nails(which always get neglected)
You don't say how many little ones you have or how old they are. But one thing that has helped my sanity with juggling a business and homeschooling is self-reading. I have hs'ed for 4 years now and I got the idea from the Well-Trained Mind(a classical curriculim guide) to have the children be read to or read by themselves for an hour each day. If your children are too young to read on their own and you reading to them isn't working they could do books on tape, the library has endless resources!! Also, maybe you could talk to your kiddos and let them know how you feel about reading to them. Where are you doing the reading, is it at a table? Try it outside or in your bed.

Another thing is expectations, like another Momma said. Yes, things have to get done, house cleaning, laundry, dishes, food prep and shopping, bill paying. I do use the flylady a little and it has helped greatly. But my ds has also had lots of chores since he was able! I feel having a family is teamwork.
Set down some guidelines. You say your kids don't like the house. Is there anything you or they can do to make it more comfy, maybe they could draw a huge poster of their favorite things for their rooms.

I also live with my aging Mom, and it is plenty difficult, she treats my ds like an adult and will have adult(tv news flash type-stuff) conversations with him before we can stop it. We struggle with our living agangement daily.

Another thing I would like to mention is about homeschooling. I've read about people who send their kids to private school, public school and homeschool them too, all based on their familiy's needs at the time. If you need to send them to school to get some sanity, to straighten out your life and household, then do it and don't feel guilty! You can always take them out midyear (or any month for that matter)

You also don't have to make homeschooling more difficult than public schooling. For a few months you could just let the kids do research on subjects or use a all-in-one workbook, you could 'unschool' too. I like to divide my day into hours, figure out what has to be done for the day(homeschooling, errands, chores, meals) and then take the day how it comes. Sometimes we don't get any homeschooling done, sometimes I don't make dinner for days! But I always strive for a balance!

finally, I would look into a support group. There are tons of homeschooling support groups online and throughout the nation. But I think there are support groups for kids taking care of parents and for love ones of Alzheimers. Find all your resources and use them!

[nurnur4evr]

Wow, you sure have alot going on! It would be hard for anyone to keep up with all of this.

Two things that have helped me are: paying my bills online (offered for free through my credit union), and a book called Dinner's In The Freezer that tells you how to spend 1-2 days/month preparing meals for the rest of the month.

Someone else mentioned Flylady. She has helped me quite a bit.

It's huge, having your mom live with you. Is this written in stone, or is it a situation that could be reconsidered? Is there another way for your mom to get the care she needs, maybe in an assisted living facility?

Good luck. And remember, as the mom goes, so goes the rest of the household. It's really important that the ones who are giving so much, are also being nurtured. Don't let the well run dry!