Grandpa died- DH family not attempting to attend burial

[GruppieGirl]

This has been the toughest week of my life; Grandpa had massive seizure, Grandma had to be moved to Altzimer's (sp) Assisted Living, Mom was diagnosed with rare brain tumor and finally my Grandfather passed.

DH's family and mine have been having Christmas, birthdays, Easter, etc. together for many years. (My family is very small) I just found out tonight that no one from dh's family will be attending his service and burial tomorrow.

I am feeling really hurt and betrayed. Can't stop crying. Thank you for letting me get my feelings out.

[pugmadmama]

I'm so sorry, what a difficult week you've been through.

Has your DH spoken with his family about this? Has he conveyed how meaningful it would be to you if at least a few of them could attend your Grandfather's funeral?

Even if they still don't go, try not to focus on DH's family (much easier said than done, of course.) Take good care of yourself.

Again, I'm so sorry.

[lisamarie]

I am so sorry for all your losses. You have been dealing with so many things this week and I'm sure, you have needed emotional support. With your dh's family not attending, that is another loss. A loss of support that you really need at this time.

With grief and loss, everyone reacts differently. Sometimes people act the total opposite of what we want, expect and need. I hope that your dh can hear your feelings and just be there for you right now.

Please, please, please continue to talk about your feelings. This is a safe place and everyone is so amazing and kind. We are here to support and to listen.

Hugs~

Lisa

[Viola]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandfather and all that your family is going through. I hope your dh can talk to his family and let them know how you are feeling.

[GruppieGirl]

Thank you all for your responses! I really needed the support!

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I know I should have been focusing on my grandfather, but I was seeing red about my dh's familY! The rage and screaming continued in the car to the funeral home until I saw my Mom. (my apologies for anyone who was driving in the Plymouth area this morning. i was a dangerous driver)

My father-in-law did show-up to the burial to "represent the family." Saw him for a minute. He said his apologies and then all of the anger fell away.

This is my first experience with loosing a family member. I didn't understand the "greiving process." In retrospect I was angry about the situation and probably transfered some of that anger to my in-laws.

On a happier note, I spent the afternoon eating at my Grandpa's favoriate restaurant with my family and the night looking at pictures and sharing special stories about Grandpa with my daughter.

Thank you, thank you! I really needed to let my feelings out and my MDF friends were there to listen.

[rachelle-a-tron]

Sending you tons of love Mama.

[Brenoi]

Bless you and your family. I feel for the very difficult time you have gone through. You are probably right about some of that anger, but it was certainly valid to be hurt. As they say the funeral and related rites are not for the dead but for the living that are left to deal with the loss. It is ashame the dh's family could not on their own see your need for their love and support. I send you a big hug from CT.

[Jennifer H]

Blending our family of origin rituals/traditions around illness and death have been a hard struggle for dh and I.

My large extended and close knit family always visit people in the hospital or when they are ill at home or at least call to check in and see how someone is. We bring food, send cards, etc.

When someone dies the funerals are large and EVERYONE attends.

My great-aunt died (this is someone we saw at least four or five times a year at holidays, birthday parties, other family events) and dh assumed I'd go to the funeral alone. It was the day before and I had to tell him that I expected him to go and furthermore everyone else would expect him there and dammit, he was going. He did, but he was surprised at the depth of my emotion and my (my family's) expectation.

DH just had hernia surgery on Friday. Granted it is not a life-threatening surgery, but it's still surgery, under general anesthesia. MY parents offered to come to the hospital and sit with me while I waited, care for my kids, essentially whatever I needed.

DH's mother didn't even call to see how he was (nor did any of his 4 siblings)! Turns out dh had a minor complication and had to stay overnight. I didn't get home until much later than expected and couldn't use the cell phone in the hospital so I didn't call any of them. I was shocked to not have a message on my machine! My aunt even called on Saturday to see how he was! My brother came over (over an hour away) to help with my kids because he was concerned that I would have a hard time at 8 months pg caring for dh and my two kids (thank goodness he did, I was exhausted and got a much needed nap)!

I've just had to learn that we grew up in really different places around this stuff and have to be clear with each other about what we expect and try to forgive his family for what I see as failings as he forgives mine for what he sees as overly involved!

I'm glad your dh's father decided to come and that you were able to recognize your anger at your situation!