help me -- saying no

[insahmniak]

DD just turned a year and I already have a list of things I wish I had done differently. My biggest regret, so far, is inadvertently making a game out of "no." She was playing with chalk or something over at my mom's house. When she went to put it in her mouth, she looked up at me. I shook my head and gently said, "no." She grinned wildly and did it again, of course. It was fun at the time, I must admit. That knowing, mischevious look was so cute. It was a communication on a much more sophisticated level than I had had with her before, so it was very easy to indulge.:

Now she has begun to test this A LOT! If she finds a small piece of paper, stone, bird poop, she'll S L O W L Y raise it to her mouth while she's looking at me and put it in her mouth, grinning. When I haven't managed to see her, she'll parade past me with her tongue thrust out or chewing wildly with big eyes.

So far, this testing has been relegated to these eating types of situations. But I'm guessing that it will explode very rapidly.

I want to break this habit of mine/ours.

I am looking for support and alternatives.

I am afraid.

[Piglet68]

Ignore it. Completely ignore it.

It will be hard. You must keep a serious look on your face, keep doing whatever you were doing, don't react. She'll likely escalate the behaviour at first, but if you are totally consistent and patient...I promise it will work.

Honestly, your kid will tire of that game real quick.

[insahmniak]

Thanks, Piglet68. I think I understand the heart of the tactic you suggest, and I think I can cringe internally while maintaining a sober face about most things. But what about the things I really don't want her to have -- ie things that may really harm her? Chokable pebbles, sticks, paperclips. I try keeping the house babysafe, but try as I may there are things she will manage to get ahold of. And then there are those dramatic chewing episodes when she doesn't show me what it is, so I'm left to dig in her mouth, which she thinks is great fun. I don't feel comfortable ignoring it when I don't know what it is, KWIM?

This is a fine mess I've gotten myself into, eh? (Playful Parenting gone wrong? ) I know it's not an earth shattering issue, but I'd like to know how other parents respond to this kind of testing.

[Free Thinker]

Are you sure she is testing you? My DD put EVERYTHING ih her mouth until just a few months ago. It was like she suddenly figured out that her mouth was for food. She still sticks other things in there, but always spits them out immediately (paper, rocks, sticks ~ she's a country kid).

[captain optimism]

From what I have read, a child this age will test you, no matter how you react. So don't blame yourself for reacting to amusing behavior by being amused.

If ignoring has worked for Piglet68, that's a good method to try.

[luv my 2 sweeties]

I second the ignore advice. If you feel your "no" has lost credibility, try another word and only use it when you mean it and will back up your word with action. I use "stop" because I overused "no" early on. To my kids, "no" means something like, "Aw, common! Cut it out, would 'ya?" :LOL But "stop" means "freeze"! My 24 m.o. is still learning the difference, but dd (nearly 4) has it down pat. She responds positively 90% of the time. (The other 10% are when she is angry and feeling defiant. Fun times. ) You can also re-habilitate your "no" by only using it in serious situations and always following through with action if necessary, but it may be hard for you if you are in the habit (as I am) of firing off a "no" at any behavior which remotely troubles you. (I can't tell you how many times I have to retract my "no"s because I say it before thinking. <sigh>)

[mac5977]

My experience is also that kids her age test you no matter what the situation. They are just trying to explore and also learn their boundaries, so they test, test, test! I also think the ignore tactic may work -- ignore things that aren't a real big deal, and start using stop for things that are really dangerous.

[Piglet68]

I think I'm understanding you a bit better now...and it sounds as if you have been encountering a situation I just recently wrote about here with my 2 year old.

Okay, so when your 1 year old picks up something you don't want (and of course you are going to have to do a fair amount of hovering to prevent this in the first place - though rest assured you won't have to do this forever), just very matter-of-factly say "oh, that isn't safe, DD" and remove it from her mouth.

I actually don't think, in this situation, that there is anything wrong with laughing along with her. I would try to avoid overusing the word "no", just so she doesn't become desensitized to it, but I think that it's not the big issue you may think it is.

You just cannot expect a child that young to "obey". Even my almost-2-year-old is not capable of controlling her impulses that much that I can just say "no" from my armchair and expect her to stop what she is doing. She still needs me to guide her, and so does your baby. So I don't think you actually have a problem. In fact, I'd suggest you just relax and laugh along with her if she thinks it is funny to put things in her mouth and have you fish them out: after all, so long as you are there she won't get hurt and that is the important part. I think the thing you want to avoid is getting all serious about it, and then having her laughing and you trying to teach her it isn't funny, etc.

I hope this is making sense. I guess I didn't realize the situation when I first read your OP. My DD went through a phase where she'd stand there and literally screech at the top of her lungs. It took all the control I could muster not to react. But it worked, and eventually she just stopped. OTOH, you have no choice but to go fish things out of her mouth if she puts them in there, and since there's no way she can exercise enough control not to put them in her mouth (at her age this is how they explore), I'm not sure it's such a bad thing to just laugh right along with her.

How's that for changing my tune?

[insahmniak]

Okay. I'm going to get playfully serious about using alternatives. I think I can see where I can be playful and amused while still getting the offending object out of her mouth.

I am very much in love with this mischevious/playful side of my daughter and I'm going to enjoy it while I can! I guess at the heart of my post I was looking for reassurance about this.

Caring for a fast-changing, relatively new person, it can be hard to stay joyfully in the moment. It's hard not to be plagued by those "Will I live to regret this?" thoughts, even when everyone seems to be having fun. I don't want those thoughts to keep me from enjoying what is right in front of me: a bright, playful babe who is learning how to tease me!

Thanks for the feedback!